Long: Rant/Feelings/Ugh loss mentioned 3t stuff

poppies717 · July 2014

This got longer than I anticipated. Sorry. I just need to get it out to people who get it, and really, really get it.

I am sad. Really sad. And I hate myself for it. I have been crying on and off over turning 30. I know, I know, it's not that big of a deal. But it is to me because of everything we've been through in the past 2.5 years. I am just not at all where I thought I would be when I turned 30. I thought I'd be pregnant with our second when I was 30, and here I am, barren and bitter.

I KNOW that I should be counting my blessings. "Oh, tough life, Poppies. You have a great DH who loves you, a great job, a supportive family, awesome pets, and your husband is taking you to Europe in 3 days. Quit your bitching." It's just that I feel so hollow. Hollow is a good word for it. I should be 21 weeks pregnant. I should know if we're expecting a boy or a girl. I should be registering and picking out nursery stuff. I would much rather be doing that than shopping for Europe. I'd give my right arm and leg to be doing that. But I'm not. My body didn't want to keep our child alive. And yet everywhere around me, I keep hearing how I should be grateful for the relationships and opportunities that I do have.

I'm sorry this is getting so long. I'm just so disappointed in myself and my body (and yes, I know it's not just *me*). My mom delivered my youngest sister 6 days before her 30th birthday. I'm waiting for a fingerprinting appointment. My cousin is having her 3rd after spending time "convincing" her DH to have another one (BTW for those still reading, less than 6 months of "convincing"). I wish I had that luxury. Must be freaking nice. And yet, all I'm told is "You're adopting. You're going to be a mom. It's just a different path." But aren't I allowed to be upset about the path? The journey? It's bittersweet. I'm excited, but I'm heartbroken that DH and I can't create life together. And 30 is a huge, huge reminder of that for me.

/rant. Have some cake for getting this far:

sparklingdiamond · July 2014

I am so sorry for what you are going through :-( You are perfectly allowed to have these feelings and to be sad. Sending lots of hugs to you!

nightmare_of_beauty · July 2014

You have every right to feel the way that you do. No one has a right to tell you how to feel. I am so sorry, lots of hugs.

brij2006 · July 2014

Hugs Poppies.

These thoughts and feelings are entirely normal. You and your H have been through a lot over the past 2.5 years, and it isn't what you imagined your life to be. It's okay to cry about it, and to cry often. It will get better as time goes on and the wounds heal from the loss.

If I'm remembering correctly, you are seeing someone to talk about this, correct? If not, I would highly recommend it. It isn't going to heal things overnight, but is a good way to talk with a neutral party about how you're feeling and how to process these big changes.

seahorse01 · July 2014

You have every right to be feeling the way you are. It's hard, and you are right, not many people understand where you are coming from because it's a shitty, shitty situation. It's really unfair.

I am sorry.

islandmonkey8 · July 2014

My heart breaks knowing you aren't on the journey you have always dreamed of. You have every right to be sad, upset, angry, disappointed, whatever it is you feel. You don't have to justify your feelings to anyone. Especially us here.

((BIG GIANT HUGS))

I also just want to add, you are going to ROCK 30. I know this. Plus, Paris for your 30th birthday is awesome and you're outshining many on the awesome 30th birthday celebrations front.

But, if you need to wallow and be sad and angry, I'm always here to listen.

lilliesandvino · July 2014

You're allowed to be as mad/sad/whatever as you damn well please. You're allowed to have good days and bad. No one is allowed to make you feel guilty about your feelings or what you have. Only you know your journey and wherever you are right now is ok.

We're here for you and I'm sorry you're going through this.

poppies717 · July 2014

Thanks. It's not that I'm not grateful for what I do have right now, but there are really no words to express the emptiness I feel. And yes, I am talking to someone. My therapist thought I might want to see someone else because she specializes in infertility, but I think and fear that this is a scar that I will bear for the rest of my life.

Apollo11235 · July 2014

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Poppies. I can't imagine how hard it must be to have to let go of your dreams of biological parenthood; you are absolutely entitled to feel how you feel about it. Big hugs to you, and I hope your trip is AMAZING!

BruinsBabe33 · July 2014

You have every right to feel this way. It's a shitty hand to be dealt, and I'm so sorry you have to even have these thoughts. It's not fair and it's ok for you to be pissed off about it.

OohSparkly13 · July 2014

My sister is going through some emotional stuff right now after being assulted at work and she has people telling her left and right not to feel this way or that way. She feels like no one believes she has a right to feel the way she does. And even though her situation is completely different I'm going to tell you what I told her because I think it applies here just as well...

I told her: "Don't let anyone make you feel like what you're feeling isn't real and valid. They don't have to live it."

It's sometimes hard to block out other people when everyone seems to have something to say but it's important to remember that they are your feelings...not theirs. They are valid and true to you and you can feel any way that helps you and makes your day better...or in some cases, just bearable.

And as always, we are all here for you to vent to, to lean on, or to just be.

<<HUGS>>

brij2006 · July 2014

poppies717 said:

Thanks. It's not that I'm not grateful for what I do have right now, but there are really no words to express the emptiness I feel. And yes, I am talking to someone. My therapist thought I might want to see someone else because she specializes in infertility, but I think and fear that this is a scar that I will bear for the rest of my life.

Stuck in the box......

You are grateful for what you have and what you can do. That is very clear and is wonderful you can see it at a time like this, but nothing is going to fill that empty feeling and that's okay. It's going to take some time to process and figure out how to handle it. Like Lillies said, it's okay to have happy days and sad days.

As far as the therapy, maybe try a different one and see if it helps. It couldn't hurt anything. I actually started out with an IF therapist and she recommended 15 minutes into our session that I move to a family/trauma therapist instead. I really thought I needed help processing our IF and what we had been dealing with, when really I needed to talk about my ideals and views on what I thought our family should be.

caseyandlizzie · July 2014

((Poppies)) I'm so sorry you're having a rough time right now, and you have every right to be feeling the way you are. 3T SUCKS! You HAVE had a difficult 2+ years, and you don't need to just suck it up. Try to enjoy your Europe trip as much as possible, or just drink lots and lots of wine while you're there.
Also big hugs with the milestone triggers. Loss is something that you hold on to. Some days are easier than others, but it really doesn't go away, and that's okay. Moving on is okay, too, but holding the thoughts, feelings, and hope of what should have been is so freaking hard to let go of.

abt8113 · July 2014

Big hugs to you Poppies! Like everyone else said, you have every right to feel the way you do! No one can tell you how you should feel. You are grateful for what you have, but it is still okay to mourn what you don't. Try to enjoy your trip as much as you can, and not think about the grief and loss while you are there. My heart truly breaks for you and all the tough decisions you have had to make. I would recommend a grief or trauma therapist if you are interested in switching. What you are experiencing seems that it might be more up that alley because it is a loss and terrible thing you are dealing with.

sgautschi · July 2014

I'm so sorry poppies. You have every right to be upset, and just because you are doesn't mean you aren't grateful for what you do have. You can be grateful and upset at the same time. And you can love and hate your new journey at the same time as well. We all know you will be an amazing mother, and you will love your children no matter if they are adopted or not, but that doesn't mean you aren't allowed to grieve over your losses or be upset that things didn't turn out the way you planned. I'm sorry this birthday is so emotional for you. I'm sending so many ((hugs)) your way.

P.S. Thank you for the cake. I keep staring at the gif hoping a piece will magically pop out of the screen.

ETA TN sucks with formatting....

amandaf6383 · July 2014

Your feelings are completely normal and well deserved. You've had a wicked, wicked shitty time. I totally understand your resentment of your own body and the panic that turning 30 brings. 30 made me bawl. I was, and still am, so far removed from what my life was going to be. I had it all planned. I'm the baby, and my mom had me when she was 25. Tom is going to be 40. And I love my life! Just like you do! It doesn't mean that it's wrong to mourn what should've been.

I hope you enjoy Paris, but more than that, I hope these next few weeks bring you to peace with the feelings, good and bad, flowing through you. It's the core of who you are. And you are wonderful.

I'm always here, and we're definitely planning that get together when you get back.

Xan921 · July 2014

Oh Poppies, I'm so so sorry that you've been dealt such a crappy and unfair hand and that you're having a rough time. I think that it is probably normal to mourn a life that you thought you'd have. It's never easy letting go of the life you had planned and moving onto a different path. Let yourself feel whatever you need to feel. Don't force yourself to cheer up or convince yourself that everything is peachy when it isn't; it's ok to just be sad or angry for however long you need to be. We're all here for you and love you.

LooneyLife · July 2014

You have every right to feel what you're feeling. It's not fair.

I'm sorry, Poppies.

pb&fluff · July 2014

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Have you talked to you doctor about maybe trying an antidepressant? Not long term, but just something to get you through the rough spot you're going through? It's perfectly normal to feel this way and you have every right to your feelings, but there is something to help make those feelings not so strong. Big hugs.

MRads · July 2014

you have every right to feel that way. You can still love the final outcome of getting to be a mom and still mourn the journey you took to get there.

You should ask your H for a pair of manolo blahnik to wear in Paris for your birthday.

FutureMrsWright2012 · July 2014

So sorry Poppies. I completely agree with you and PP's that you have every right to feel the way you do and no one should tell you otherwise (if they do it's because they don't understand or know what else to say). I was totally right there with you at the big 3-0... My mom had 3 kids already by the time she was 25. It's a rough time. I'm sure once you get over this hump, you'll love Paris and will be ready to move one step closer to your take-home baby. Big hugs to you girl!

poppies717 · July 2014

Thanks again. I emailed my therapist, and she told me that what I'm feeling is normal with my adjustment disorder. Ugh. I really don't want to go on antidepressants for a variety of reasons. I think I'm just going to need to take these waves as they come and deal with them. They don't come often (about 1/month), but when they do, they're shitty. I usually don't post when I have them because I feel like it's kind of AW, but I just really needed to get this one out with the big birthday looming.

I'm also really fortunate to have an IRL friend going through the exact same thing, so she's helped me realize what I'm feeling is normal. Bonus: she and her DH got their HS approval today!

Aimothy · July 2014

You have every right to feel all the feels. Just because you are going to be a mom through adoption does not mean that you don't need to grieve the loss of the "original dream" you've likely had since you were a little girl.

Cry it out. Grieve. Be sad. And don't let anyone tell you to be happy until you are ready to feel happy for yourself.

And you KNOW what advice I'd be giving if I could. ::wink wink:: Sex all the fertiles.

spin25 · July 2014

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

simsk3887 · July 2014

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree with the PPs that you have every right to feel this way and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I'll send some extra t&ps your way tonight in hopes that you can find your way through this rough spot and come out even better on the other side.

arj14 · July 2014

I am sorry the people in your life aren't respecting your right to mourn. You have gone through an incredibly hard journey to get where you are, and however you're feeling, you deserve to be able to own your feelings. So many hugs, Poppies.

BeeLu · July 2014

I'm so sorry, Poppies. You have every right to feel this way, don't convince yourself otherwise. I hope you really enjoy Paris and that a change of scenery helps you feel a little better!

CeciliaM21 · July 2014

I am sorry, Poppies. Take all the time you need to be sad. Nobody should tell you to be happy or appreciate what you do have. ((HUGS))

NotMrsSmith11 · July 2014

I had a fucking breakdown on the eve of my 30th, too. Single, no prospects, in a job I hated. I don't know what it is about numbers that end in "0" that make every shitty thing seem shittier.

I am also one who tends to feel shame on top of whatever bad feeling I have, because I feel like I don't have the right to have that feeling. But just because there are worse things in the world than what you're going through doesn't make it hurt any less. My broken leg doesn't make your broken ankle feel better, KWIM?

Have an awesome time in Paris and definitely bring home some MB's as a souvenir. Or some Chanel. Or Hermes. Or....

LuckyAngel07 · July 2014

You are absolutely allowed to have every one of these feelings. Having the good things you have in your life doesn't cancel out the difficulties, the loss, the bone-deep WANT of your own baby. Don't let others belittle your feelings; they just don't understand.

Sewilson33 · July 2014

You have every right to feel the way you feel. We are always here to listen to you if you need us.

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