Help us figure out new plan. I'm stuck.

KatieCutie05 · July 2014

Well now that we're expecting (yay!) our Dave Ramsey debt payoff plan/ all our financial goals went right out the window. Debt free (130k paid off) in 4 years - don't make me laugh. Its just plain not going to happen.

We've stopped paying extra to debt. Actually we even are keeping my dads SL deferred (200 a month - still earning interest) because we need to save more.

At our current income (without DH's second job) we'd be about 350ish underwater with daycare. DH is supposed to get a raise from a promotion but we don't have much faith in that. So as of february when the babys born i'll still owe 4k on my car to get rid of that 360 payment so we could break even. My husband can only work TOPS half what he does now at his second job (Max 400 a month) so we could atleast break even. I'm also expecting about a 5k inheritance from my grandma but thats delayed and could take another year or so.

My husbands absolutely miserable because he has no hobby, no toys, no nothing. His days off he just sits on the couch and watches TV. Before we found out DH was going to purchase his dads old boat from a family friend for 3500. Its worth more like 6500 so its a good price and its the boat that DH put SO much time into taking care of when he was younger. Now we're still trying to figure out a way to make that happen cus he really needs something - even if we can't be out on the water much he could atleast be working on cleaning it and everything. My husband hates his car too but the only other car he'd want is a gas guzzler which would kill us in gas prices cus we live out in the sticks. ( i want to move so bad!)

So even if DH sucks it up and goes without the truck and we live super frugal- we're looking at a minimum of 9 years (closer to 10) until my student loans are paid off. Our cars aren't even going to last that long, and we're going to be looking at TTC #2 at some point in there so thats not going to happen anyway.

IE student loans paid off- NEVER. And we are consistently broke - forever.

I can't force my husband to be unhappy and give up every hobby and every toy he's ever had and work 2 jobs all to pay off my student loans. Its just not gonna work. He's willing to help and do something but right now he's doing everything. I have nothing to give up because i had no hobbies and no life before this so this is normal for me. I'm just used to being broke.

But at the same point we are paying 800 a month to student loans - we're going to be broke forever until those are gone. Its a lose lose really. Figure 500 extra a month and 130k in debt. I mean it doesn't take a mathmatician to figure out thats not going to work.

The only thing i can think is to get the boat and hope then he's okay pushing off the truck longer. And instead of paying extra on his car or saving for a downpayment for the truck or anything - just put as much as we can into the student loans since those are the real problem. But i hate to have a car payment and that takes up a good portion per month. But the student loans arent' going anywhere... well hopefully anyway they are forgiven upon death of the borrower (my mom and dad) and my dad was just diagnosed with cancer at 67. but I still plan on my parents sticking around for a lot longer.

brij2006 · July 2014

First of all, breathe, you can do this.

We are in the same situation as you, and it definitely hasn't been easy wrapping our heads around how to re-do our financial game plan. However, that's exactly what it is, a game plan. It can be altered and changed.

So to begin, DR says that in the event of a pregnancy during TMM, you stop all debt snowball payments and hoard money. Still sell things, work those 2nd jobs, and continue on a strict budget. Put that money into a savings account for after mom and baby are home happy and healthy and all of the medical bills are paid in full. The plus to this is that you can usually negotiate with them when you're paying it in full. After everything is paid, then you use the remaining amount to pay off the next balance in your debt snowball.

Also do some more researching on daycare options. We live in the sticks too, but I work in a little larger town than ours. There's an amazing daycare that I always dreamed my child would go to. We looked into it and it would break our budget and put us in the negative every month. Now we're looking into licensed in-home places that are half the price, and keep us out of the red.

*Disclaimer, I'm blunt and you know that.***
Get on the same gameplan as your H. Sorry, but no, he does not "deserve" a boat. There's absolutely no reason a $3,500 toy should be in the discussion when there's $130k in student loan debt and you're worried about daycare breaking the budget. Think about the gas, license, and insurance for using the boat. They aren't free to take out. If he wants something to tinker with, then why doesn't he start a side job of car detailing or small motor repair, or some other type of thing he knows how to do, and bring in some extra money.
FWIW, My H has a "toy car" that he tinkers with. He bought it 7 years ago, paid the $5k for it in cash then, and it costs us $400/year in the budget to maintain, license, and insure. There are many things he wants to do to modify it and keep himself occupied, but those are just going to have to wait. We are both on the same plan that this child and our debt come first before the next $1k mod to make it go faster.

Sell anything and everything. Liquidate anything with payments. If that's your H's vehicle, then get rid of it. I would say to keep your vehicle only because it is so close to being paid off. However, if it's a $15k car and you owe $3k on it, then you're better off selling it and banking that $12k cash. Buy yourself something reliable with $5k of it and put aside the remaining $7k to go toward the next debt in your snowball after baby comes.

Buy baby items 2nd hand and put them into your budget now. You could gradually buy things as you go each month, or pull out cash each month to set aside so you have it ready to purchase anything you absolutely NEED for baby after your baby shower. There are so many things that aren't needed for a baby, and it will help to get yourself in a "minimalist" mindset about it now.

Both of you work extra jobs. Since we found out that we were pregnant, H has been working 70+ hours/week to bring in some extra money, and I've been amping up my business to bring in more commissions. It isn't easy with feeling exhausted, but I know it's something we need to do to get ourselves as far ahead as we can before baby is here. The more money you have beforehand, the more money there will be to put toward debt.

After baby is here, still live like that. Very minimal, working extra jobs, and chucking away at your debt snowball. I know it won't be easy (we're going to be doing the same thing), but your child won't remember you being gone on the weekends and daddy being gone on weeknights. However, it will remember being 10 and mom and dad arguing about money or getting a divorce over the loads of student loan debt that were still remaining.

You can do this! I know it won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

hoffse · July 2014

I obviously have no experience with pregnancy or kids. But my first suggestion would be to put the boat thing on hold until after you have the baby for two reasons:

1) Medical bills - you REALLY don't want to buy a boat and suddenly have $3,500 in medical bills you can't pay because you bought a boat instead.

2) Baby life =/= adult life. I know you know that, but your H might suddenly find that he really has no time or energy for the boat for at least some period of time after the baby is born. You have no idea what kind of kid you're going to end up with until s/he is here. I have a mellow friend who has a baby that screams all. the. time. Nobody in that household has had a good night's sleep in over 6 months. I have a high strung friend who has a baby that's super mellow. He's been sleeping through the night since the second month. My point is your H may not have the time/energy for his hobbies after the baby is here, and there's no point in spending all that money for something he might not be doing for awhile. Hopefully your H's days off will soon be spent with the baby and not just sitting on the couch.

My other thoughts - if you are going to spend $3500-$4000 on anything other than baby/medical it should be to pay off your car. That way you can at least break even with daycare. I think car payment > boat in your situation.

I also think your H just needs to suck it up. Sorry - I know that's not the answer either of you guys want to hear - but you guys are in this together, and he needs to put his big boy pants on and find inexpensive things to do to entertain himself until your incomes go up or your expenses go down. Hopefully having a baby will give him all sorts of fun things to do that are free - quality family time and all.

vlagrl29 · July 2014

No extra toys during this time of pregnancy and 1st baby's year. Find things that you currently own and don't really need to sell on craigslist. We do this all the time. It helped us get out of debt a couple years ago and now we put the profits into our home remodel fund.

I have student loan debt and I know it's not as much as you. It may be because of the ridiculously low interest rate, but I'm really in no hurry to pay it off. I'm on the graduated payment plan and am totally ok with it. Everyone has different priorities I know. I'm in the NO boat camp as well. You can't afford it. Sounds like your DH need to grow a pair. Sorry if that sounds rude

You can find hobbies that don't cost that much money.

Are you already paying the minimum on student loans? I would focus on paying cars off first even if that means lowering the student loan payment. Unless your student loan interest is more than your car interest.

formerlyGDaisy09 · July 2014

I'll agree 100% with what brij2006 is saying. as far as being concerned that your H needs a hobby, I get it, but boats are money-pits, if you're stressed about money now a boat is just going to make that 10 times worse.

I also understand that having an exhaused hubby who comes home and watches TV for hours is also no fun. is there something else you could get him into that wouldn't be so expensive? My H, who frequently skipped the TV portion and would come home from a long day and go to bed at like 4:30 in the afternoon. I think we went about a month where we didn't talk to eachother inperson from sunday night until saturday afternoon. fortunately his schedule has eased-up a bit and he's doing 65 hour weeks instead of 80+, but this summer he's gotten into grilling...our grocery bill has gone up a little, but we've been able to adjust elsewhere. He's never really been a foodie, but something about the caveman-esque aspect of grilling meat over a fire got him excited about cooking (and now I know I can get him to help with dinner).

what if you guys took a class together? or maybe try going for a walk or something after dinner? I know the boredome factor can start to wear on a relationship and it sounds like it's bothering you.

cbee817 · July 2014

You two need to get on the same page very quickly now that you're expecting. This ridiculousness of a boat and sitting around on his days off are not going to be things you are going to put up with when you're working, your baby isn't sleeping, and you can't break even every month. He needs to realize he's going to be a dad soon and the first step is to start acting responsibly and not think of himself. Your SL may just be something you're going to have to keep paying the minimums on until they're gone- I know a few people who have taken 10-20 years to pay off their loans. They've accepted it and are still able to have a house, family, etc.. their loans are just something that are always there, but one day, they'll be gone.

CuriousKiddosMama · July 2014

First off, congrats on the pregnancy. That's very exciting.

I do think while you wait for the arrival of your new little one, you need to push pause as Dave would say and just save up as much money as you can. Pay minimums, but try not to charge anything (I know this isn't CC debt, but still). Once the baby and you are home and healthy then you toss that $ on the smallest debt.

I don't have any real suggestions other than to say maybe post your current budget again, and we can take a look. Do remember, babies are small and half the crap society says you 'have to have' you don't! Even a crib is optional the first couple months because they are small enough for a bassinet or something like that. Some don't even want to sleep in a crib, and some families don't want them to sleep in a crib they would rather bed share. Don't get overwhelmed thinking that a baby is going to take a ton out of your budget because they don't have to. The biggest change may be what you've already realized- DH won't be able to work as much at the second job because he wants to be home more with the LO, and daycare costs so you can go back to work. Diapers, and wipes can all be coupon-ed for and stockpiled in advance so they don't become a major cost once baby is here. And you will probably get a bunch of clothes from a baby shower- but baby really only needs a couple changes.

This may seem like a set back for your debt payoff- and it will be, but you will still find a way to get those loans and cars paid off.

PM me if you want to talk couponing for your LO. If you start buying diapers a little at a time you will probably never have to pay full price for them which in and of itself saves a ton of money.

CuriousKiddosMama · July 2014

oops, double post- sorry!

Xstatic3333 · July 2014

PPs really have it covered! But I did want to say a big congrats on the pregnancy (I'm always on mobile so don't see tickers, so this may be old news) and T&P for your dad. You have so much going on right now, it can't be easy.

Definitely on team "no boat," and I say this as someone who totally "gets" the whole hobby thing. It sounds like your H likes mechanical stuff and being outside. Is there any way he could channel his interests into a part time job? Focus on hiking or fishing from shore for a while? I know my expensive hobby's on pause when we have young kids, for example, but will probably do more (free!) hiking instead. I do agree with PPs that he needs to get on the same page, like, yesterday, but maybe he could also keep busy in other ways while he does so.

I'd also look into getting rid of a car payment, whether through paying yours off ASAP or selling one. I remember when you posted your budget selling H's wasn't practical for some reason but forget the details. If I were in your shoes I'd probably follow Bri's suggestion for your vehicle.

Good luck! You can do this!

purplehaze11 · July 2014

Congrats on the pregnancy. I have to agree with the others on the boat, considering you still need to figure a way to balance your budget with daycare costs it's probably not the best time. As someone with a young child, I can honestly say both of our lives have completely changed, and there is very little idle time with an active toddler. We also need to figure out $ as we are TTC our second child and need to figure out daycare. Have you posted your budget?

vlagrl29 · July 2014

Pregnancy was really a hard time for me and DH so you aren't alone

I had such a rough pregnancy that I actually had to cut my work hours to basically almost non existent and I really hope it doesn't happen like that with the 2nd pregnancy. Plus I had to see a Chiro after birth because my pelvic bone was all messed up and it felt like someone was stabbing me with a knife in that spot. Pregnancy and Birth can really add up even if you are buying everything 2nd hand, but it's totally worth it. We fought so much when I was pregnant. DH didn't understand why I never had energy and always had to eat like it was going out of style. It's best to figure and iron out a plan of action now before the baby comes. There needs to be some compromise on your DH's part.

FabulousMrs.P · July 2014

Congrats on the pregnancy! Hope that you are feeling well!

Definitely no boat. Besides the upfront cost of buying it, there are a lot of repair/maintenance/storage costs that go along with it that add up very quickly. And as someone with a 2 year old, let me tell you...we don't have a lot of extra time. Between taking care of chores, working, and our daughter, there is very little extra time for hobbies. That money is going to need to go toward those day care costs. He can still have hobbies. My DH goes hiking in our local state park for free if he has some time. Or, if he is a guy who likes to work with his hands and has the skill, can he apply that skill to bring in some extra money? If he likes to work on boats/small engines, can he repair boats for other people and make some extra money?

I don't know if you looked around at in-home daycare in your area. I found that a licensed in-home daycare was a lot cheaper for us. And they were more willing to work with our hours, etc. My DD receives excellent care there!

As you are making room for the new baby, look and see if there are things you can sell. Have a yard sale and put that towards one of your car payments. You need to clean out closets anyway to make room for baby stuff.

May I ask...do you have an e-fund ready for any baby/mommy expenses? I would definitely put money into a savings account until the baby is born. It can pay for time off from work, insurance, medical expenses, etc. A lot of things come up during that time that you don't expect. (ie...I ended up changing my dd's formula 3x until we found one that worked for her...) And if you end up not using it, then you can always apply that chunk of money to your debts.

Don't panic! You can make it all work. The most important thing is getting you and your hubby on the same page! And when you see that baby, all the sacrifice will seem so worth it!

KatieCutie05 · July 2014

Well the boat is sadly a down play from "im buying a different car tomorrow" arguement. I think he just got sick and tired of being broke and he no longer saw a way out so he just said screw it i don't care anymore. Our compromise from "im buying a 22k truck tomorrow" was ok you can get that 3500 boat of your dads in the fall. We need to compromise cus saying no truck and no boat we live super frugal is all me. And I can't tell him what to do... he gets a vote too. If he gets this boat then it should keep him sattisfied for a while to pay off debt and hold off on the truck a little longer.

We'll never see eye to eye on his need for expensive toys and hobbies. As much as he wants the debt paid off too, there are some things he's just not willing to sacrifice on. He's okay with debt for 2 things - a house and a car. extra gas money and insurance is all well worth the expense to him. its just something he can't put a price on. its just who he is. I tried to come up with something anything and the 3500 boat is sadly the cheapest. Its not a matter of IF we get a boat, its a matter of when. And i know later it will be atleast 7-8k.

His other passion is guns and he works parttime at a gunshop and brings in extra money that way. but that doesn't fill his hobby, actually it might just make it worse because everyone has trucks, buys lots of guns whenever they want, they go out hunting they DO stuff... and he does nothing cus he doesn't HAVE anything. he drives a jetta and he works 2 jobs. he feels like he lives to just work. Before there was atleast an end - now theres no end.

hoffse · July 2014

Look - bare minimum, the boat needs to wait until after the baby is here. The baby is the top priority in all of this, and you guys need to make sure you have the cash needed to become parents. Hopefully everything will be smooth, but there are no guarantees.

Have you put together a pre-baby budget? Even shopping second hand the baby stuff can add up. And some things you really don't want to be buying second hand - like a car seat. That cash has to be there.

What are your loans like if you extended the repayment period to 25 years? All of H's loans are on the 25-year plan as a backup just in case priorities in our life change before we get them paid off.

Finally... I disagree that he gets a vote. He really doesn't. There's nothing to vote on here. You guys simply don't have the money to afford a boat right now, and that's the end of the discussion. In fact, it should never have even been a discussion in the first place because you are pregnant. Baby trumps EVERYTHING else until s/he arrives. You need to have a serious come to Jesus meeting about this, because if he can't see that then there are bigger underlying problems here.

Xstatic3333 · July 2014

I second all of that completely. If it was just an issue of slowing down the loan repayment, I'd say fine, let him have the boat. But now? Not until you and baby are home happy and healthy, and you have a solid e-fund and daycare or SAH plan. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

brij2006 · July 2014

Has he read DR's book or does he listen to his show?

This seriously sounds like my H about paying off our debt before he listened to DR's book and heard the part where DR calls this behavior a "selfish little prick." H knew it was exactly what he was doing while I was trying everything it took to cut out in places to put a few extra dollars toward debt. Your H really needs a different mindset with this. He's going to be a dad, the sole provider, the head of the household. If he feels that this behaviour is okay, then he needs a reality check. All it's going to do is get him closer to complaining that he needs something else for "being so good" and it's going to put an even further strain on your financial picture.

I'm sorry, but you have to put your foot down with this. Where will the $3,500 come from to buy this boat? Will it be added as an additional debt with another payment to the already tight budget? If it's affordable to pay $3,500 cash for a boat, then why can't it be applied to the remaining balance on your car and releave $360 in the monthly budget? Thus putting your monthly budget with daycare costs into the plus.

Hugs to you. I've seriously been there. When we got pregnant almost a year ago, this was exactly my H. It was bad and very hard for me to deal with. We were on 2 completely different pages about our goals with a child, and he felt like he deserved something because I was getting a baby. It took him really listening to DR speak to realize how selfish that was.

FabulousMrs.P · July 2014

Does he want to get rid of the debt or is it just you? It sounds like he isn't that serious about getting rid of the debt if he wants to add expensive hobbies to it. Have you verbalized to him how having debt makes you feel (anxious, stressed, etc)? What worries you have with the debt and a baby coming? I have to say things outright to DH "I am worried about...X". He doesn't pick up on things in between the lines.

Trust me...I understand what you are going through. When my DH was out of work, we were literally on a shoe string budget. I couldn't afford an extra pack of gum if I was going to pay all the bills. And besides working on finding a new job, he was dealing with a lot of depression. All he wanted were things that were expensive, but he also realized that in getting those things we would be depriving our child of things she needed..putting our house at risk if I couldn't pay the mortgage, etc. So, he found a lot of cheap things to do like hiking to fill that void. And you know what...that is what he still does even though he is working again.

Unfortunately a lot about being a grown up sucks! And it is easy to want to give up! I totally get where he is coming from! Just keep hanging in there!

vlagrl29 · July 2014

You also if you haven't already need to call your insurance provider to see how much total $$ will be spent on the birth/pregnancy and start saving that ASAP before you even think of letting him have a boat. We saved the hospital costs while I was pregnant, knowing that we wouldn't have any medical bill debt. Shit can still come up during those 9 months, but at least we had that paid for.

FabulousMrs.P · July 2014

I totally agree with vlagrl29...also if you carry insurance and plan on being out on maternity leave talk to your employers about how much you will owe for insurance if you aren't being paid while on maternity leave. It adds up fast! At a minimum you want to have insurance costs/medical bills covered. Being a new mom is stressful enough without trying to figure out where you are going to come up for money for those bills and whatever money you may need to cover bills while out on maternity leave. (I don't know if you are paid on maternity leave or not. I was not, so I had to make sure we had savings to cover my missed paychecks.)

KatieCutie05 · July 2014

crap, i really don't want to start this shit storm. We were hoping my grandmas inheritance would come to get the boat but if it doesn't then i think ur right we can't be using baby money to do that. Because we dont know what will happen and we can't be taking out a personal loan for it. He totally got it when we first found out and then he just lost it, and he's all worried if he doesn't get it now then he never will. He's terrified that having a kid will mean he doesn't ever get anything. and he refuses to let that happen.

I think i gotta work up a budget for every single thing we need before baby comes and just estimate what we won't get at a shower. Cus theres a good chance that money won't be there to pay off my car - let alone pay for a boat. He was willing to wait 18 months for a boat before and idk why he's not now. Its gonna cost me 7-8k for a dif boat later and i guess thats why i was okay with it now cus i feel like its saving money in the long run.

@Brij2006: My DH gets really annoyed at Dave when he says that. He says no one can work 65 hours a week for this long with no reward. We both agree that it would make sense and getting gazell intense and all that would be the right thing to do IF this was a 2-3 year debt payoff plan but now that its like 8+ we both can't live that long like this.

At times i really feel like he's holding my student loans against me. cus i've made this huge 100k mistake and now he has to pay for it. So he deserves this little bit. they will always be "my" student loans - they will never be ours. He sees it as a joint responsibility and he's willing to work with me to pay them off but its still my doing and he shouldn't be the only one punished. and technically he is. I carry the load emotionally -more then he does. but he sold his truck, i kept my car. He's working 2 jobs, i only work 40 hours a week. So he feels like he's the only one sacrificing or something.

I don't know what i'm gonna do other then just let him think we can do it until he really sees that it can't be done. he needs some hope. i don't know whats gonna give him hope. I do think he'll feel different when the babies here for atleast the first few months but that boat is going up for sale in november so if we don't get it - i gotta be ready to promise him a boat later- for 8k. Which is i guess worth the extra cost. I need him on my side but to be honest i don't even know what my side is.

hoffse · July 2014

OK here's what I think you need to do:

1) Get on Amazon.com and build a shopping list of baby stuff that encompasses the minimums - car seat, stroller or wrap, a box of diapers, a bottles and/or pump, etc. You might not need a crib right away, but I'd add a crib, mattress, and crib sheets to that list too because baby can't sleep with you guys forever, and you guys need to figure you will be buying furniture for baby at SOME point in his/her life. Obviously you can bargain shop for those things later, but at least you have a comprehensive list that's all in one place. Add it up and show him what this is going to cost.

2) Forgive yourself for this debt. He has 0 right to hold that against you because he married you knowing that you had that debt. I've said this before - my H is a lot like you in that he has twice the debt I do. But you know what? It doesn't matter whose debt it is. We rise and fall as a family together, and that means that we have to account for that going out the door each month. I knew that about my H before I walked down the aisle. So now his debt is mine until it's done. Same with your H.

3) Find out what it would take/cost if you extended your loans out. 25 years is a long time, but it's the way a lot of people afford their lifestyles these days. And obviously it can be shortened if you can swing it, but at least you aren't legally on the hook for this massive amount of money each month. FWIW the vast majority of the lawyers I work with just accept that they will be paying law school loans for 25 years. Paying debt off early is the exception to the rule in my profession.

4) Remind your H that you are not the Virgin Mary, and you did not get pregnant on your own. The two of you are in this together. Having a child will hopefully change your life for the REST of your life. That's parenthood. No, he may not ever get his boat. But his kid is certainly more important and surely more gratifying than any toy will ever be. This should be an exciting, wonderful time - not a time when he gets to be selfish and wonder when he'll get "rewarded" for fulfilling his financial obligations.

brij2006 · July 2014

You know, it really is hard. My H works his a$$ off to put extra money in our budget each month. It really does mess with my head more than his, because we're similar to you. It's mostly my student loan debt, and I'm the one with a nice new SUV while he drives a 2 door that we're praying we can find a car seat to fit into.

However, at the end of the day we both get rewarded for our efforts with non-monetary things. That was one of the biggest rules we created from the start of this program. I can no longer reward myself with a massage and he can't reward himself with a part for the car. Instead our "rewards" are having a Saturday night with zero plans and cooking something from a new recipe. Or driving 30 miles to a park that has a few trails and packing a picnic to have while we're there. I personally find reward in calling up the company to make an extra debt payment. Or color in our debt payoff chart that has our end goal in it. We fight every month on who gets to have the joy of filling that in or calling the company to pay off 1 more debt.

Sorry, but you do need to open this up for discussion again. Sit down with him and put together the "needs" of baby before it's born and within the first few months. Also call your insurance company (or have him call to get involved) and ask what the costs will be after insurance pays. Have you BOTH put these numbers together, then look at your budget and how much you can afford to put aside each month between now and then. See if there's an overage or if you come up short. That may get him to realize that a $3,500 boat just isn't there. Not now, not 3 years from now, get it out of your head! Don't ever be ready to "promise him" a boat. There's no reason you need to. You are both in this as a team. He married you with your debt, he needs to help pay off the debt...together.

My H also still views the debt and "my" student loans and "his" student loans. We have a total of $2,800 left on his now, and mine are still at $25k. I started with $60k. I also have a newer SUV that we just bought in August with a balance of $17k, while his car only has about $6k on it. So in his eyes the bulk of the debt is mine, and he will say "your student loans" or "your car." But it is my debt. However, you should treat the debt in the same manner that he is. By taking on a 2nd job, or doing direct sales, or finding a way to make extra money. The hardest thing on my H is when he's working an 70 hour week and I talk about my 45 hour week at the office. It isn't fair to him that he is putting in this much effort while I do not. So I've amped up my direct sales along with the commission portion of my income at my regular job. It means staying later at the office, but it's the only way to make our plan have a shorter lifespan.

Quite honestly, it sounds like you guys have an income problem, not as much of a debt problem. If it will be taking 8-10 years to pay off the debt, then the intensity needs ramped up. Search for a new job with a salary that matches the amount of student loan debt, both of you work 2nd jobs, cut your budget even more, and sell things. It's very hard to keep "gazelle intense" when you're now seeing that it will take 8-10 years to get rid of the debt. Which would explain why he feels like he will never get these things.

Heck, have him pick out a picture of his dream boat. Make it something he can shade in as the debt goes away, and tell him that someday one can be bought when you're debt free and it's paid for in cash. There's no reason why he can't have one at some point, but not now. It will give him something to look forward to and keep the intensity going.

smerka · July 2014

You need to prepare your first baby for your second baby. My bill from the hospital for my csection was $40,000, the OB was $5,500, and the anesthesiologist was some other obscene amount. Our insurance covered a lot, but we still had a large pile of medical bills. My husband gets a large block of time to himself to pursue his hobbies about once a month. Tell him he can't have a boat, but if you can fit in your budget, he can rent one for a day. Or he needs to make friends with someone who has one. Or even better if Dave Ramsey or Suze Orman say he can have a boat, he can get one. But I know now both of them will tell him to man up.

vlagrl29 · July 2014

I don't know if I would add up everything from amazon and show him the total figure. He might go in freak out mode and have a melt down. Have a great registry. Between my parents, grandma, aunt, DH's parents….we had all the big ticket items covered.

hoffse · July 2014

vlagrl29 said:

I don't know if I would add up everything from amazon and show him the total figure. He might go in freak out mode and have a melt down. Have a great registry. Between my parents, grandma, aunt, DH's parents….we had all the big ticket items covered.

Yeah Amazon will be expensive, but he also needs a realty check. Kids cost money, and their costs come first.

Anything OP receives from showers will be a bonus. She has to assume she will be covering all those things herself.

CuriousKiddosMama · July 2014

baby deals posted every week. She's in the south, but posts for national stores so hopefully there is something around you: http://www.southernsavers.com/2014/07/best-baby-deals-diapers-wipes-food-714/
Follow this for a couple weeks so you can start to tell what prices are a good deal when you see them in the store. Target will have baby clearance coming up soon- if it hasn't started already. Wait until it goes 50-75% off and go see if they have anything left you NEED. They will also have it again in January before you are due. This is how I got my crib for $70 and infant seat/ stroller for about $120. Also, sign up for any and all coupons you can find. similac strong moms, enfamil, gerber, pampers, huggies, sign up for them all now so you can start getting the coupons. The formula makers will send you checks that you can use on any purchase of formula. I would use the $5 similac coupon on a $5.34 jar of liquid concentrated formula- it ends up being a day or twos worth, but is super cheap way to get you started. They will also send you free samples. If you live near family, most of them let grandparents sign up too- so more coupons.

Honestly though, Hoffse is completely right. You did not get into this situation alone. The loans- okay, maybe that was your mistake, but it was exactly that- a mistake. Our education system does a crappy job about helping people understand what 100k+ in loans is going to do to their lives in the future. It is something you will work through, but you need to be on the same page together. Otherwise you are going to continue to struggle, your DH may be satisfied with the boat, but he may not- what happens when he decides he needs a new truck to pull the boat- or a new motor or whatever. Is he going to behave like a 2 year old and throw a tantrum until he gets what he wants again? You do need a serious come to Jesus meeting- and maybe some counseling- otherwise this could end badly. I don't want to be the first to point this out, but Dave says it regularly- money issues are the number 1 reason for divorce. You seem very far from that right now, but if DH continues to behave like a 2 year old- I know I wouldn't be able to put up with that forever.

vlagrl29 · July 2014

hoffse said:

vlagrl29 said:

I don't know if I would add up everything from amazon and show him the total figure. He might go in freak out mode and have a melt down. Have a great registry. Between my parents, grandma, aunt, DH's parents….we had all the big ticket items covered.

Yeah Amazon will be expensive, but he also needs a realty check. Kids cost money, and their costs come first.

Anything OP receives from showers will be a bonus. She has to assume she will be covering all those things herself.

yeah I suppose, but I would be afraid he would want the boat even more now before the baby is born. OP - didn't your DH know about your loans before you married? Is it only your name on them? If he knew about that going into marriage I don't know what gives him the right to hold it over your head.

MommyLiberty5013 · July 2014

If your DH likes the water a lot and wants a boat....what about a canoe? Seriously, it's peaceful and he could fish in it if he's into that activity. AND, the best part is that it you can buy one for a few hundred bucks!!! If he needs something with an engine to tinker on, why not let him fix small engines in the garage for people? Again, pretty cheap and helps him fulfill the hobby desire.

From what I've read though, this isn't about your DH's hobby necessarily, it's about his perceived status with other guys. Right? This is about perception and keeping up with the Joneses. If this is the case, the boat and lack of a boat isn't the issue. Once he gets the boat, he will want something else. What then?

Mom987 · July 2014

Maybe he could get a john boat? Our kids are 3 and 1 and we're waiting at least 2 more years to get a boat because that's when we'll be able to really enjoy it more.

Xstatic3333 · July 2014

I think this is less about the boat than the attitude behind it. If he had approached this as "honey, I know there's a lot going on but would you mind if I keep adding $50 a paycheck to the boat fund? It's important to me," than I'd be sympathetic. It seems like the attitude here is (correct me if I'm wrong OP-the internet can twist things) "AHHHH a baby! My life is changing forever! I need the boat NOW!" which doesn't seem fair to OP or the baby.

Short term, of course, doing out the baby budget like @hoffse says and saving that money needs to come first. Long-term, I wonder if your H might be more motivated by the save/invest/pay debt slightly slower (10 years for SLs) approach to finances than the TMM approach. I know there are people on this board doing both, and I truly don't believe either is wrong. I do know that two reasons I ended up focusing on savings is partly because it motivated H more, and partly because I think our late 20s together is a time we'll never get back, with biological clocks ticking and all, and I wanted to live life a bit.

As for the toy thing, any reason he can't get a gun and go hunting with his friends? I don't know much about hunting but I bet it's a lot cheaper than a boat, and without the ongoing maintenance. He could even profit some venison for the family

FabulousMrs.P · July 2014

Also, is there any way you can get a second job until the baby gets here? Even if you got a job at target or babies r us or something where you can get a discount and slowly stock up on things you will need. I don't know what your full time job or health is like so I don't know if that is a possibility. I waited tables Saturday nights in addition to my M-F full time job and it helped to bring in a lot of extra cash which we put away for infertility treatments and then baby expenses. I waited tables until I was 8 months pregnant but I had a fairly routine pregnancy (except for morning sickness for 6 months...but that just became part of my routine.)

It might help your husband feel a bit more togetherness with the debt payoff and it would help you to save up money for baby expenses.

Help us figure out new plan. I'm stuck.

Re: Help us figure out new plan. I'm stuck.

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