Money Matters
formerlyGDaisy09
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
what are we obligated to do?
H's parents just moved across the country, they had lived 20 minutes away. While I am very greatful that MIL won't be dropping anymore junk off at our house, and we won't get guilt trips for not arranging to see them several times a month, this has now introduced a new "problem".
Every time we talk to them they want to know when we're coming to visit, or they imply that we'll be coming to visit....we're in New England, they're on the gulf coast, so travel involves at least the cost of airline tickets, and probably the cost of a rental car (in addition to coordinating time off work between our 4 jobs). since they were the ones who chose to up and move leaving their entire family in New England, do we have an obligation to go visit them?
a side issue is that the house they lived in up here was an absolute dump, like unfinished walls and floors, chunks of wall paper hanging from the walls, half finished bathrooms, moldy siding, dirt cellar and junk everywhere. most of the junk got sold or trashed before they moved, but I would literally feel sick spending more that a few hours in this house....I'd be nervous to commit to spending several days in whatever they're purchasing down there without seeing it first...
Me: 28 H: 30
Married 07/14/2012
TTC #1 January 2015
BFP! 3/27/15 Baby Girl!! EDD:12/7/2015
Re: what are we obligated to do?
Who says you have to stay with them when you visit?
What does your DH say about how to handle his parents?
We will do our absolute best to make it down there once in between the 4 years but we don't feel guilt if we can't get there. They understand we have lives that involve lots of working and trying our hardest to make our lives our own.
Don't feel guilty!
Love: March 2010 Marriage: July 2013 Debt Free: October 2014 TTC: May 2015
Since you do want to travel, maybe offer to go someplace with them, but you are under no obligation to go visit other than for major milestones like somebody else already said.
If you can afford the above travel, then you can find a way to afford an occasional visit to the ILs.
I would tell your MIL that you would love to come see them, but that you have to save up for the travel costs.
I also think by not making some effort to visit, you would be setting a poor example and sending a negative message about the value of family to your children, with whom I would assume you want to have a close relationship with when they are married adults.
It also sounds like these particular parents don't make it comfortable to stay with them. That's a big concern. When we visit my ILs, I need to suffer through my bad cat allergies because H doesn't want to offend them by getting a hotel. It sucks quite frankly. The only drug that will conquer it, Benadryl, puts me to sleep and since having a cat is reasonable I don't want to make them feel badly about it. I wouldn't want to spend all of my PTO in such an uncomfortable situation though, and I can't blame OP for feeling the same. Of course, hopefully in her case their new home won't have the old issues.
Family didn't seem to factor into their location choice, at all. Yes, H and I have had a list of places we want to visit for years, that won't be any easier once we have LOs, so checking a few of those off sooner rather than later is a bit of a priority. I did check, flights to Mobile from our home airport seem to range from $550-$1090/person, so definitely not cheap! I have my fingers crossed that their living situation will be better, however when H and I were house shopping my ILs continually pushed us that we should look at trailers rather than houses because they cost less, so I'm trying to think worst case.
Also, I don't know if it is possible or something you want to consider, but how about doing a road trip to go see them. If there is something along the way that is of interest, you can stop and do that as well. It would save you the cost of flights. It would just be the cost of gas. I do this to visit my brother who lives in Atlanta if flying isn't in the budget. From Philadelphia to Atlanta it is about 12-14 hours depending on traffic.