Flirting=Infidelity?

NoneForUs · August 2014

My husband and I disagree on this issue. I don't think flirting is cheating as long as it doesn't lead to further and inappropriate contact. If a married person flirts with someone and then goes on their merry way, what is so terrible about that? I would only see flirting as a step towards infidelity if the married person continues to speak with and meet the person they were flirting with.

I have seen women flirt with my husband right in front of me. It makes me smile because I see that other women think my husband is sexy. He always grabs my hand or puts his arm around me when a woman flirts but I don't need the reassurance. I am a naturally friendly person and when I look back, I'm sure that some of my conversations with men in my daily life could be construed as flirting. It isn't something I consciously set out to do.

What do you think? Is flirting cheating?

VOR · August 2014

No, it's not cheating.

doeydo · August 2014

A couple needs to discuss and decide what the boundaries of their relationship will be. For some people, flirting is OK, for others it is not.

GilliC · August 2014

This is completely up to you and your partner.

Legally? No, it is not infidelity.

If you're a literal Christian, then yes, because even looking at woman with lust is considered adultery, even if you don't even go so far as to flirt.

Do I personally think it's cheating? No, I don't. But I also don't think you can dismiss your husband's opinion simply because you see things differently. It's one of those cases where there is no "right" and "wrong."

TarponMonoxide · August 2014

GilliC said:

This is completely up to you and your partner.

Legally? No, it is not infidelity.
If you're a literal Christian, then yes, because even looking at woman with lust is considered adultery, even if you don't even go so far as to flirt.

Do I personally think it's cheating? No, I don't. But I also don't think you can dismiss your husband's opinion simply because you see things differently. It's one of those cases where there is no "right" and "wrong."

Oh, please...don't pull the Christians Do Not Lust card. President Carter himself said he "lusted in his heart many times" during a Playboy interview back in the Seventies.

If this is something that makes you uncomfortable, then it is a problem. If he or she is acting like they want to pick the person up, it's is a problem.

GilliC · August 2014

TarponMonoxide said:

GilliC said:

This is completely up to you and your partner.

Legally? No, it is not infidelity.
If you're a literal Christian, then yes, because even looking at woman with lust is considered adultery, even if you don't even go so far as to flirt.

Do I personally think it's cheating? No, I don't. But I also don't think you can dismiss your husband's opinion simply because you see things differently. It's one of those cases where there is no "right" and "wrong."

Oh, please...don't pull the Christians Do Not Lust card. President Carter himself said he "lusted in his heart many times" during a Playboy interview back in the Seventies.

If this is something that makes you uncomfortable, then it is a problem. If he or she is acting like they want to pick the person up, it's is a problem.

Pretty sure that I never said "Christians don't lust." Pretty sure that I did say I don't even consider it cheating.

I only said that there is a documented religious definition that would make this cheating. Not that it's not asinine. There are existing precedents for her husband's position, so it's unfair for her to write it off as nonsense.

As for Christians lusting in general? Of course they do! Just because something is supposed to be wrong, definitely doesn't mean people don't do it! You're also not supposed to be envious, take God's name in vain, and God knows how many other things half the Christian populace does on a daily basis!

The point was just that there is no official definition of infidelity. So if OP is looking for some kind of justification that her H is completely wrong about his "flirting is cheating" mindset, then they obviously skipped over a pretty big discussion about boundaries and acceptable behavior in the whole "Should we get married?" analysis.

NoneForUs · August 2014

GilliC said:

TarponMonoxide said:

GilliC said:

This is completely up to you and your partner.

Legally? No, it is not infidelity.
If you're a literal Christian, then yes, because even looking at woman with lust is considered adultery, even if you don't even go so far as to flirt.

Do I personally think it's cheating? No, I don't. But I also don't think you can dismiss your husband's opinion simply because you see things differently. It's one of those cases where there is no "right" and "wrong."

Oh, please...don't pull the Christians Do Not Lust card. President Carter himself said he "lusted in his heart many times" during a Playboy interview back in the Seventies.

If this is something that makes you uncomfortable, then it is a problem. If he or she is acting like they want to pick the person up, it's is a problem.

Pretty sure that I never said "Christians don't lust." Pretty sure that I did say I don't even consider it cheating.

I only said that there is a documented religious definition that would make this cheating. Not that it's not asinine. There are existing precedents for her husband's position, so it's unfair for her to write it off as nonsense.

As for Christians lusting in general? Of course they do! Just because something is supposed to be wrong, definitely doesn't mean people don't do it! You're also not supposed to be envious, take God's name in vain, and God knows how many other things half the Christian populace does on a daily basis!

The point was just that there is no official definition of infidelity. So if OP is looking for some kind of justification that her H is completely wrong about his "flirting is cheating" mindset, then they obviously skipped over a pretty big discussion about boundaries and acceptable behavior in the whole "Should we get married?" analysis.

I agree that behaving as though I want to pick up someone is certainly wrong.

We did not cover every single topic when we were discussing marriage. I don't think that counseling or discussions can always prepare a couple for whatever comes their way.

What is wrong or right in a relationship needs to be determined by each couple.

I told my husband that if flirting is cheating, then his wife is a cheater without being conscious of it. He laughed and said that he forgave me. Silly man.

)

catsareniice1 · August 2014

While I don't think flirting is cheating, I think it's cheesy when people flirt especially when they know someone has a SO. It's desperate attention seeking behavior. To me, it's just weird and unnecessary. Ooging someone, crushing on someone imo is fine but flirting is very weird to me.

I view it as obnoxious self-centered behavior.

NoneForUs · August 2014

catsareniice1 said:

While I don't think flirting is cheating, I think it's cheesy when people flirt especially when they know someone has a SO. It's desperate attention seeking behavior. To me, it's just weird and unnecessary. Ooging someone, crushing on someone imo is fine but flirting is very weird to me.
I view it as obnoxious self-centered behavior.

Why is ogling and crushing on someone okay but flirting is not? Couldn't you also make the argument that ogling another person is obnoxious? Not everyone wants to be drooled over.
I agree that flirting with an attached person is certainly unnecessary and selfish, but I don't get what is so weird about it.

catsareniice1 · August 2014

NoneForUs said:

catsareniice1 said:

While I don't think flirting is cheating, I think it's cheesy when people flirt especially when they know someone has a SO. It's desperate attention seeking behavior. To me, it's just weird and unnecessary. Ooging someone, crushing on someone imo is fine but flirting is very weird to me.
I view it as obnoxious self-centered behavior.

Why is ogling and crushing on someone okay but flirting is not? Couldn't you also make the argument that ogling another person is obnoxious? Not everyone wants to be drooled over.
I agree that flirting with an attached person is certainly unnecessary and selfish, but I don't get what is so weird about it.

I say this because it's natural to have crushes. I didn't mean oogling in an obnoxious, creepy way. If someone is married or in a relationship I find it inappropriate to flirt with the person. I hate attention seeking behavior. So lame.

NoneForUs · August 2014

Now I see what you mean. Thanks for explaining!

catsareniice1 · August 2014

NoneForUs said:

Now I see what you mean. Thanks for explaining!

No problem!!

SlurpeeLove · August 2014

I agree with the others in saying that it depends on each couple's views together. If your husband sees it as cheating, I would steer clear of it anyways because it's only going to cause problems. I think, for me, it would depend on the circumstance. If I found texts from my husband to another woman flirting, I would be pretty pissed. I mean, that kind of thing leads to other areas. For the most part though, we maintain the thought "you can look, but you can't touch" in my household.

It depends on the circumstance, but I think you should just respect your husband's concerns either way.

short+sassy · September 2014

I am relating so much to you, OP, lol. I am a naturally friendly person and I think it can sometimes be hard to draw the line between friendliness and flirtation. At any rate, I've always avoided dating jealous men because I can't and won't change my happy and smiling personality.

The funny thing is, I think my husband sometimes comes off as flirting when he really isn't, lol. He's just the kind of person who will strike up a conversation with random people. When he does this with women and I'm with him, they'll often give me this kind of look like they aren't sure if I am going to get mad. I always return a friendly "it's all cool" smile.

At any rate, generally speaking, I don't think flirting is cheating or even a big deal. Of course, there are exceptions...like if someone is flirting in the HOPES of starting something further.

NoneForUs · September 2014

short+sassy said:

I am relating so much to you, OP, lol. I am a naturally friendly person and I think it can sometimes be hard to draw the line between friendliness and flirtation. At any rate, I've always avoided dating jealous men because I can't and won't change my happy and smiling personality.
The funny thing is, I think my husband sometimes comes off as flirting when he really isn't, lol. He's just the kind of person who will strike up a conversation with random people. When he does this with women and I'm with him, they'll often give me this kind of look like they aren't sure if I am going to get mad. I always return a friendly "it's all cool" smile.
At any rate, generally speaking, I don't think flirting is cheating or even a big deal. Of course, there are exceptions...like if someone is flirting in the HOPES of starting something further.

My husband and I were recently in the bank. I was at the ATM and he was talking to the bank teller who was serving him. She made a comment about his voice sounding like Batman-not sure which Batman she was referring to as there have been several. My husband does have a deep and rich voice.

It didn't bother me at all. I smiled because my husband was being complimented and admired by another woman. If the situation was reversed, my husband would have been very upset.

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