Money Matters
soleilmonamour
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Difficult money discussions
I hate the topic of money, who doesn't? It's even worse when the person you are strongly considering marrying is rich. Even though you love them, you don't want them to think thats what you really care about - but it just matters. on top of that, he is divorced from a woman who was more materialistic than anyone I know or ever heard of, and had a spending money addiction (think 40k a day...).
So it was never talked about until now. His divorce had left him in a not so great situation financially, and I really wanted to avoid this topic. But I brought it up a few days ago, and I was quite upset with what I heard. You see, my major concern here were children. He already has two kids whom have been given vast amounts of money and resources. I asked him if our children could have the same, and he said it may not be possible. He has put 5million in a trust for each of his kids, plus the best schools and money for college and a 10 million dollar home in a trust for them. He said they can have the schools and vacations, but the rest may not be possible. I told him if he thinks that it may be a problem that when he's gone (we have a huge age gap, he also risks passing while our kids are still young like in their 20s - but who knows. He is in his 50s now), his other kids will be given significantly less. He said "Maybe, but I can't do anything about it." And I had gotten really upset, because I was already making so many sacrifices and adjustments due to our age gap, his baggage, and accepting the facts that he has kids and a huge history with an ex. But I feel this is unfair to do to my unborn kids.
While I am young, and have none of that. This isn't all about the money, its really the fact that everything between us seems unequal, and even with our unborn children. I also don't want to raise kids that feel like they weren't daddy's favorites because their half siblings were so wealthy while they were not. I think that is an unfair situation to put the kids in. Unfortunately and fortunately, he is the most amazing guy I've ever met, he is always there to address me concerns, our connection and passion is phenomenal, and there is a lot of understanding. But I don't think he gets how much this may affect his kids, and me as well.
I told him I'm not asking for much, I'm not crazy about things. I'd like a nice house with some nice vacations, but I'm not material obsessed. I want to be with my family. But the kids...would be much too unequal.
He asked if this meant that we would not have children, and I said "I don't know, it's something to think about."
(and me not having kids means I could not marry him)
Please tell me how this sounds to you...
Re: Difficult money discussions
First, does he want more kids? This sounds like a deal breaker for you, but maybe he isn't worried about providing the same because he doesn't want more kids.
Second, can the trusts be edited in case of future children? I have no idea about this, but it may be worth discussing.
Third, one thing you may need to remember is that anything parents leave to a child is a blessing. And just because something is given to one child doesn't mean you love the others any less. Maybe the trust was part of the divorce settlement with the ex. If business or whatever has slowed down or he is thinking more about retirement, he may want to focus more on that. I don't know that there needs to be any explaining in the future. If the kids are 20+ years apart, it's not like they will ever be very close or anything like that.
Good luck. But if does sound like you need to have an open and honest conversation with this guy about money.
Totally guessing here, but if he gave $ to his kids to keep it from the ex, if he changed their trusts at all, she may get some of it???? I really don't know much about divorce laws so hopefully somebody else may have a better idea on that, but he may have a very legitimate reason he gave them so much at the time.
Also if he is successful- which obviously he is- he may not want to promise you something he isn't sure he can provide, but may be able to do the same in the future.
I think you just need to propose the idea to him that you each come prepared with financial information of your own to the kitchen table on nights in the future. Otherwise, this will ALWAYS be the elephant in the room and you will always be in the dark, feeling insecure, and questioning him.
One night, discuss your debts.
One night discuss your assets including real estate, stock/bonds, etc.
One night discussion the older kids' trust.
One night discuss what you two want to do as a couple moving forward. Life insurance? Saving for your own children so they have college, etc. taken care of?
I would avoid the topic of a pre-nup until you have all the cards on the table. If this guy is as awesome as you make out than he should be okay sharing this info with you. If not, then you have a choice: 1. Stay and be in the dark and potentially hung out to dry. 2. Leave.