Getting Pregnant
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Update on my DH, me and our life (Long)

Hi ladies.  I have received so many amazingly sweet and caring messages over the last few weeks and I cannot thank you all enough.  Some of the messages I've received have come at some of my hardest moments and were able to put a smile on my face when I didn't think I could smile anymore.  This is extremely hard for me to write out but I wanted to provide a final update as a whole rather than individual messages.

My Dh was transferred out of the ICU after 8 days on October 18th and into a regular hospital room where he stayed until October 20th.  He was then moved to the behavioral health unit until he was discharged on October 23rd.  His physical health is fine and I thank the universe every single day that he was able to pull through.  He checked himself into a rehab on the 23rd.  I had a trip planned to California prior to any of this happening and couldn't cancel, so I went and saw my Dh the evening of the 21st which is the last time I have seen him and then I got on a plane on the 22nd and was gone through the 26th.  Prior to me leaving we had discussed him going into an inpatient rehab for at least 30 days and then we'd figure things out from there.  We had discussed us living apart after the rehab so that he could focus 100% on getting himself better and perhaps live with other people who have been through the same struggles; we had looked into sober living houses and he agreed.

Unfortunately, things didn't go as planned and on October 24th, less than one day of him being in rehab I received a phone call from the rehab that he had checked himself out; he had nothing on him but a bag of his clothes, no wallet, truck keys, ID...nothing.  He called me shortly after that and didn't really give an explanation other than that he couldn't stay there.  He couldn't get in touch of anyone willing to pick him up so he decided to try to walk home which is around 90 minutes away by car; I didn't know this was his intention.  Apparently he was walking down the highway and passed out due to low blood sugar (he has type 1 diabetes) and was picked up by a police officer and an ambulance and taken to the nearest hospital.  I received a call from him in the hospital.  He was shortly discharged and his older brother picked him up, drove him to his truck which is at my Mom's house (we've been living in the in-law apartment at my Mom's house for the last 15 minutes in order to save up to buy our first home).  I contacted my Mom and asked that she put his wallet and keys in his truck. Per my Mom's request, he is no longer welcome to live here.  On October 26th he requested to come get some of his personal items and was able to do so. Currently he is living semi out of his truck and semi with his grandmom.

His addiction and mental struggles are something that we've been dealing with for years.  We've had extreme lows and extreme highs.  We had decided to start TTC during a long span of great moments and then decided to start treatments during what I thought was over a year and a half of pure love, bliss and romance.  I have done every single thing that I can possibly think of to try to help him.  I've offered him all of my love and support; I've attended AA meetings with him as well as Al-Anon meetings for myself so I could understand the situation better and learn better ways to deal with the issues.  I've changed my life style so that alcohol isn't allowed in our home by anyone and for a very long time I cut alcohol out of my life completely as well. I've stood by him during court cases and have paid for lawyer fees, counselors, rehab and numerous hospital and doctor's bills.  I have literally picked him up off of the ground during dark moments and have celebrated each victory I thought he was accomplishing.  There is literally nothing else that I can do for him.  It has taken me a very long time to realize that I cannot help him but rather he has to help himself.

So after more tears than I've cried in my entire life, I have decided to separate from him.  I am also moving into my own little one bedroom apartment closer to where I work.  I do not plan to inform him of this move until after it has taken place and I am settled in as I don't know that I'm strong enough to not say "ok, just move with me".  I will pack up all of his remaining items as well as all of our pictures, wedding albums, etc and put them in our storage unit so he can access anything he needs/wants.  My heart is completely broken and not a single day has gone by that I haven't fallen on the floor and just cried and cried.  I just don't know what else to do but I feel like with all of my help he is only getting worse.

One of the hardest things for me is when someone says "Don't you hate him after all of this?" or "How can you still love him?" but the thing is, I love him just as much today as I did the day I married him.  I just don't know how to help him anymore and it's starting to destroy me both mentally and physically.  We've been together for 10 1/2 years, have been married for 4 years and have experienced a pregnancy albeit brief and a loss together.  Not a single ounce of me hates him; I love him so so much.

As cliche as it sounds, I love him enough to let him go.  I hope with every ounce of hope that I have left, that maybe this is his true rock bottom and he will finally want to improve his life and maybe in a few months, 6 months, a year, whatever time frame, that he gets better and is a happy and healthy person.  I hope that if he works on himself that maybe eventually we can start talking about us again or working on us, but in the end, I truly just want him to be ok whether it is with me or without me.

As for me, I have to figure out what my new normal is and that scares me and makes me incredibly sad yet somewhat excited which I feel guilty about.  Right now I am using every bit of strength that I have to just keep going.  

I will not be participating on the board anymore but I wish you all the very best of luck in TTC, becoming pregnant and being the amazing mom's that I know you all will be.  If anyone who I am not friends with on facebook would like to keep in touch, please contact Bruins, Nfp or OceanHutt and they can provide you with my information.

Once again, I thank you all so much for your love, support and kind words.  I hope to eventually one day join you all again.  So much love to you all!

image

TTC since March 2012 w/irregular and anovulatory cycles.  
Moved to an RE October 2013  HSG- All clear , S/A- Normal , Bloodwork -Normal
Uterine polyp found-  Hysteroscopy and D&C 12/6/13  DX w/complex endometrial hyperplasia
Endometrial Biopsy 3/21/14 - Hyperplasia still present  Endometrial Biopsy #2 6/24/14 - All clear!
IUI #1  w/stims and trigger - Started stims 7/7/14 - IUI 7/24/14 = BFP 8/7/14
Beta #1 8/8 - 47  Beta#2 -137  Beta#3 - 96 Beta#4 -287 Beta#5 -519 Beta#6 121 = early miscarriage 5w4d
Nestie Besties with Nfp147 
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Re: Update on my DH, me and our life (Long)

  • <3<3<3 I have been thinking about you a lot.
    image
    B Born 6.27.13
  • Xan, I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I wish you the best and hope you're getting the support you need and deserve during this hard time. I hope your H is able to get the help he needs to get on a better path. Praying for you and thinking of you often.
  • xan, I have no words. My heart is broken for you... but I'm so glad that you are doing what is best for you. Please just know that you will continue to be in my heart and my thoughts. I wish all the best for you!!

    ...hello out there!
    imageimage
    dx with anovulatory PCOS 2005
    off bcp 11/11
    a few rounds of clomid and femara... no response.
    injectables/IUI 12/12... BFN
    Feb 13 IVF cycle converted down to IUI due to low follicle response... BFFN
    one last IVF attempt April/May 2013: 19 retrieved. 10 fertilized. 2 transferred in a 3dt. 4 frosties... BFP!!
    EDD: 1/21/14... Induced early at 36+6. Our LO was born 12/30/13
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I'm so sorry Xan. Sending lots of love and support your way. Big ((hugs)). :(

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


    Pregnancy Ticker
  • Oh Xan, I am so incredibly sorry. I have been thinking of you and will miss seeing you here (but of course I understand). Hugs.

    Married August 2009

    3 years. 5 losses.

    Our rainbow baby boy born 11.16.15

  • Xan - wishing you so much peace and happiness as you go through this incredibly difficult time. You are amazingly strong and I wish nothing but the best for you. Sending love and prayers. <3
    **Signature Warning**

    Dx PCOS August 2012
    Clomid x4 = BFN
    Femara+Follistim IUIs x 6 = 3 BFN, 2 C/P, 1 early miscarriage
    IVF June 2014- 43 R, 34 M, 24 F, 12 blasts frozen and severe OHSS
    FET September 12, 2014!
    Beta #1 12dp5dt- 724
    Beta #2 14dp5dt- 1631
    Beta #3 20dp5dt- 12,813
    EDD 5/31/15 until OB tells me otherwise. Grow babies grow!

    "I might have to wait. I'll never give up. I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck. 
    Wherever you are, whenever it's right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life." ~ Michael Buble

    image

  • So much of your story resonates with me. I wish you nothing but luck and am impressed by your strength. You are absolutely making the right decision.
  • Xan.. I am so sorry that you're going through this. Sending you positive vibes as you move forward. I'll have to email one of the ladies, so I can stay in touch. Take care of yourself.


    TTC since 3/2012 
    DH - 36; nml swimmers; Me - 36; almost no AMH (last 0.081), low AFC, nml FSH/LH
    Clomid + IUI #1 (6/2013) - BFN; #2 (7/2013) - BFFN
    IVF 1.0 5R/5F/2T (ET 6/11/2014) - no frosties, but BFP 8dp5dt (EDD 3/1/2015) 
    Lost our sweet baby boy, Lincoln Alexander 10/3/2014 (19w)
    IVF 2.0 - ER 3/25/2015 - 3R ZERO mature.
    Ovaries are done...
    DE IVF ER - 12/2/2016 (17R/10F = 8 frosties); FET 1.0 (1/27/2017) - BFP 6dp5dt (EDD 10/16/2017)
  • I am so sorry
    Anniversary 
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    ~TTC Buddies with akcrrr and amandaf6383~
    ~Knottie/Nestie Besties with *ecinereb* - Congratulations!~
    TTC since June 2011 dx: PCOS
    Clomid+IUI: Cancelled b/c didn't respond (June 2012)
    Femara+Trigger+IUI #1: BFN :-( (July 2013)
    Natural Cycle (8/7/13)- BFP!  Beta #1 (9/10/13): 509 Progesterone: 18.64  Beta #2 (9/12/13): 1118
    Baby N born 5/9/14
  • I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how incredibly difficult this decision has been for you. I hope you're able to get the support you need in this time. I wish you all the best and will miss seeing you around on here. <3

    image

    "You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. Seuss

    TTC #1 August 2014. BFP 9/26! EDD 6/9/15
    Baby A born 6/17/2015
  • <3 I'm sorry you are going through this. Love to you.
    IUI - BFP! Baby boy born still - August 2012
    IVF - BFP - miscarriage June 2013
    FET - BFN
    FET - BFN
    Switched clinics
    IVF with PGD - three embryos created, all healthy - July 2014
    FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
    Baby Boy born July 2015

  • Xan, I am so incredibly sorry. You'll continue to be in my thoughts and I'll miss you on the board :(
    I wish you the best as you move forward.





    dx:  Unexplained IF (mild MFI)

     TTC since May 2011, 1 year trying, and then 3 TI, 2 IUI = BFN

    IVF #1 (May 2013):  Antagonist Protocol: 
    24R, 18M, 15F w/ICSI; 5dt of 2 early blasts, no frosties = BFN
    IVF #2 (August 2013):  Lupron Stop Protocol: 
    28R, 23M, 15F w/ICSI; 5dt of 1 partially hatched blast, 7 frosties = BFP
    EDD 5/23/14, blighted ovum (6w6d), D&C (8w6d)
    FET #1 (April 2014):  transferred 2 5d blasts = BFP

    C.J. born 01/09/15

    imageimage
  • I am so sorry you are going through this. You are such a strong person and it really shows in your post. I will keep you in my thoughts and wish you the best.

    imageMags's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
     
    TTC 19 months ~Started RE in March 2014~
    DH was not ready for IUI so we waited
    ~Started acupuncture in  May 2014~

    ~~
    BFP 7/6/14~~~EDD 3/14/15~~It's a girl!!~~
  • I can only continue to wish you nothing but the best. Your strength amazes me. I am going to find you on FB, I want to make sure you know I am here if you need anything. Big ((hugs)).
    image
    TTC 24 months, IUI #3 BFP 6/4/14 Beta 6/5 58, 6/9 508, 6/11 1227 TWINS! EDD 2/15/15
    With heavy hearts, we said goodbye to our precious angels on 8/12 at 13 weeks 2 days.
    image
    IVF #1 Lup/Brav/Meno, ER 11/28 10R/10F, ET "Rudolph" 4AA embryo 12/3, 7 frosties.
    BFP! Betas: 12/12 225, 12/15 706, 12/17 1512. EDD 8.21.15
    12/29 hb 120. 1/5 perfect, GRAD DAY! 1/15 perfect at OB. NT 2/6 PERFECT, HB 158!

    Baby Girl born 8.9.15 at 38.2 due to IUGR 4lb7.8oz 17" 
    Our princess is being watched over by her older siblings every day <3
    Anniversary 

  • I'd also like to connect on FB. I am connected to Amanda, Lucky, and IslandMonkey. My heart is so sad for you, and I wish strength for you as you move forward. I'm sending big creepy Internet stranger hugs you way. <3
    TTC #1 since Feb. '12. dx: "unexplained" IF
    After 2 shitty IVF cycles and 1 loss at 6+2 (EDD 11/7/14), DH and I are pursuing DIA.
    11/17/2014 - ACTIVE AND WAITING!
    image
    Pregnancy was never the end goal; being a mom was.
    I've been holding out on GP: I got drunk once and started a blog: Here it is (11/7 update)
    3T<3

  • I'm so sorry.



    Me: PCOS and Hypothyroidism.
    Currently on Metformin and Synthroid
    BFP: 10.7.14
    EDD: 6.15.15

    image
  • I cannot imagine having to make this decision. My prayers are with you for strength during this transition. 
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • Your strength impresses me so much.  I know that you will be okay. <3
    Anniversary image

    Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

    TTC Since January 2011 - We have bad sperm 
    February 2013: IUI #1 = BFN 
    October 2013: We made the decision to stop TTC and live without children.

    Nestie Besties with Xan921 
  • There are no words I can say except that I am so incredibly proud of your strength.  Your love for your husband is very evident in what you just wrote here and I hope that whatever the outcome is has both of you happy for the rest of your lives. 

    image
    Baby Boy born 5.3.15


  • I'm so sorry you are going throught this. Addiction is a hard thing to have in your life, and I'm glad that you're taking care of yourself. Sending you lots of strength.

    image
    My new bff Gayle Forman!

    “You can have your wishes, your plans, but at the end of the day, it's out of your control"
    - Gayle Forman
    "People talk about escapism as if it's a bad thing... Once you've escaped, once you come back, the world is not the same as when you left it. You come back to it with skills, weapons, knowledge you didn't have before. Then you are better equipped to deal with your current reality."
    - Neil Gaiman

    Married Bio

    Lizzie's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)

  • Xan, I am so sad for you and so proud of you for doing whats right for you right now.  I can't even begin to express how much my heart hurts for you, but know that i'm here if you ever need anything. you've always been so supportive of everyone else and I hope we can all be that for you.
  • Oh Xan, so many prayers for both you and your H.  You are so strong and beautiful, and don't you ever forget that.  You have been amazing and given him everything needed in order to get better.  

    TTC since 1/13  DX:PCOS 5/13 (long, anovulatory cycles)
    Clomid 50mg 9/13 = BFP! EDD 6/7/14 M/C 5w6d Found 11/4/13
    1/14 PCOS / Gluten Free Diet to hopefully regulate my system. 
    Chemical Pregnancy 03/14
    Surprise BFP 6/14, Beta #1: 126 Beta #2: 340  Stick baby, stick! EDD 2/17/15
    Riley Elaine born 2/16/15

    TTC 2.0   6/15 
    Chemical Pregnancy 9/15 
    Chemical Pregnancy 6/16
    BFP 9/16  EDD 6/3/17
    Beta #1: 145 Beta #2: 376 Beta #3: 2,225 Beta #4: 4,548
    www.5yearstonever.blogspot.com 
                        Image and video hosting by TinyPic

  • I'm so sorry, Xan. I just wish the very best for you and for your DH and I will be praying for you guys. <3<3<3

    In Christ alone my hope is found. He is my LIGHT, my STRENGTH, and my SONG!


    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Image and video hosting by TinyPic


    T-TTC since Dec 2008. PCOS/nonexistant cycles(anovulation) and endo. HSG in '10 revealed both tubes blocked. Lap surgery in Dec '10 to correct. Failed Clomid/IUI and injectable(Bravelle)/IUI cycles so far.  


    image

  • I am so sorry for all that you are going through, Xan.  You are incredibly strong.  I'm sorry I won't be seeing you around here, but I will still be keeping you (and your H) in my thoughts.  Please take good care of yourself, and much love to you. <3
    image
    Anniversary
    08/13: Started TTC  - 07/14: PCOS dx
    BFP 09/18/15 - Baby S 05/27/16
  • I'm so sorry to hear about the hard decisions you have had to make lately. Sometimes the hardest decisions are the best decisions. Both you and yh are in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to be. You are so strong. I wish nothing but the best for you and hope that things get easier.
    image


    Cinnabun and Junebug say, "Go Wildcats!"

  • I am sorry that it all turned out this way.  I hope you can be happy again, either on your own or with him.
                                       image              image
    "I DO NOT love that you think so many things revolve around you.  I know you're bitter.  I get it.  But I'm over your feelings." The best person on the internet ever!
  • Oh Xan, I am so sorry you are going through this!  You are so strong and brave.  I've been thinking of you, and I wish you all the best!
    Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • Xan, I'm so sorry that things have gone this way. Please remember that you are strong, and that you are making the right decision. Take care of yourself, we will miss you immensely.

     ~ S & L 8-25-12  ~
  • Xan you and your H are in my thoughts and prayers.  You are such a brave and loyal wife who and I wish both you and him the best where ever that may lead you.  


    image
    DD born 1.25.15

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