Family Matters
mrsqb
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
MIL from H#LL
Before she was my mother-in-law, she was cold and distant. She prefers time alone with her two sons - all of the time. If my husband brings me along, it's clearly an imposition. In the five years we have been together she has yet to actually get to know me...my conversations with her are generally initiated by me asking questions about her cat, love life, etc. I honestly don't even know that she knows what I do professionally (a big part of my life), nor do I think she cares. She tells my husband that we have "nothing in common," yet she hasn't taken the time to determine whether or not that is true.
Fast forward to our wedding day. The woman wore earplugs during our ceremony. That is not a joke. She stared at a side wall and wore earplugs. Fast forward a few months (we have been married for 6m) - when my husband initiates a conversation with her to determine how she might be able to involve/welcome me as a new member of the family, she says: "I don't like [my name], being around her is like nails on a chalkboard to me. I wish you would stop forcing her on me. I want to spend time with my SON. Not her." There was a period during which the two of us did not speak to MIL - approximately one month - until her birthday at which time DH visited with her and she let him know all of the reasons she has convinced herself she doesn't like me.
My apologies for the novel - that's the background. My question: What to do about Thanksgiving?
We have 4 sets of parents (both sides divorced). Both sides of divorcees hate one another, so cannot be in the same room at the same time. Our thought: to avoid 4 of both Thanksgiving AND Christmas, why not do a joint holiday...the Dads a few days before, the Moms the day of. Everyone has signed on...except for her. Because we haven't asked her. My husband says he is 100% sure she will say NO, and if that is the case we're not sure what plan B should be. If she declines the invitation do we say, "We were hoping to see you but this is what WE will be doing. We really hope you enjoy the day." OR do we bend over for her (again) and tell my sweet mother that she'll only have part of Thanksgiving/Christmas day again as we need to spend half of it (with me clearly uninvited and unwelcome in her home) with MIL.
What to do? Advice appreciated. Our long-term goal: a healthy, happy relationship with ALL of our parents. Emphasis on the healthy.
Re: MIL from H#LL
You do not invite your pig mother in law.,
And I would not invite that H of hers, either. The both of them suck eggs.
And that his mother and her husband are NOT invited is is as per YOU.
Your decision and tough titty if your "husband" does not agree with your decision.
I would make it clear to your "husband" right now-- Thanksgiving is in 29 days --- that his mother will not be invited to that event, nor will she be invited to any event in your home ever and this is your decision.
And if he doesn't like it, too bad. He can make alternate plans --- the dinner will be minus him and his mother and her wuss husband and the day goes on as planned.
Do not invite her.
Shit, why is he still talking to her considering she's treating you like garbage? What's wrong with him???
All of this is fine by him, by fact of the matter he has not told his mother off.
Forget Thanksgiving: right now here is what you need to do:
1-Tell your "h" that he is to get on that phone and tell his mother she is cut out of your lives for good, thanks to her behavior and that she is no longer welcome to be part of your lives.
If he refuses, send him home to her and seek an annulment. I'm serious: he isn't a husband: he is his mother's doormat and he is treating YOU like one, too. This is zero character on his part.
Where did you find him? I am curious...
2- If you insist on staying married to him,:
Demand you and he get counseling: he needs to stick up for you starting now and he needs to understand he is part of an unhealthy marriage dynamic.
He is to go with you and if he goes begrudgingly or refuses: Give serious thought to showing him the door. it is essential he break this pattern and start putting you first.
3-You start standing up for yourself. Why are you permitting her to treat you so rottenly???
Your "H" has continually dropped the ball, at the expense of his marriage and at the expense of you feeling like a piece of dung and an outsider.. He should be ashamed of himself.
You have quite the mess here.-- and all courtesy of your "husband." This bullshit should have ended the second she started this mess and I'll bet she was like this once it was clear you and he were a committed couple.
And to tell you the truth, that is when you should have said goodbye to him. Why do you want a boyfriend whose mother treats you terribly? And why do you want a guy who can't stand up for you? What you see is what you get, as you've concluded by now, I hope --- he was not going to change.
He tells her where to go and cuts her off for good...or he suffers the consequences. Give serious thought to telling him to go home to his mother and then you get an annullment. WOW --- you want your KIDS....(if you are dumb enough to conceive with a pushover, a spineless weasel and somebody who puts you last) around a pig like her? Think about it.
And you did not have a healthy long term relationship with your H. Everything else pales in comparison.
Eff what kind of relationship you have with her: she is in the wrong and always will be -- and so will your H if he doesn't get his ass in gear and PUT YOU FIRST.
THe bottom line is that this arrangement cannot continue.
Your "H" never had the script for how to act, let alone lose the script.
Do you want a lifetime of trying to fix things so that it is in her favor, while your H keeps putting her first and ignoring your needs...and while you vanish further and further into the back ground?
I don't think you want that. You are supposed to be his wife and his family unit and his equal, not a referee and a sargeant of arms and a legal mediator!
He needs to end the enablement of his mother and he needs to be a team with you.
You tell him his marriage will end if he doesn't start being a man and a husband.
If you are observant, speak to your clergyperson. Any cleric worthy his or her salt will tell you that he is to put you first and that the vow is, as I said, "forsaking all others."
She cannot be normal. She's got to be mental.
And it slays me nobody stopped her.
How would HE feel if your parents were rude to him and made him feel unwelcome? Pose this to him and tell him to think about it. REALLY think about it. As much as he can, he needs to try and put himself in your shoes.
And all of this will hopefully lead him to say "Yeah- I wouldn't put up with that" - and if so, then clearly the next question is "then why is it o.k. for your mother to treat me like this?".
I'll say this too - he's been under his mother's thumb for a LONG time. You need to talk to him and work through this. It absolutely won't be an overnight change. And as such, I'd have to say that you might want to consider counseling for him. You might need more help in getting him to fully understand how wrong and TOXIC his mother is.
but Thanksgiving is a good starting place. If you invite her over and she says no, then STAND FIRM on "well, if you change your mind, let us know. Too bad (ha ha ) we won't see you.".
DO NOT bend over backwards to accomodate her. This is a baby step. Your DH needs to take this step with you. No bending over backwards to scramble up plans to fit in his mom if she says no to a very normal and acceptable invitation.
Another thing I can suggest:
You and your H move away -- and do not give her any forwarding address, any phone numbers or any other information where she would be able to contact you and your H.
That would be the only way to get away from her for good --- but the thing is he still has disregarded you and he doesn't seem to think that is bad.
Even if the 2 of you cut her off for good, the point still remains that he let somebody come between the 2 of you. I don't know if that kind of a rift can be repaired.
What bothers me is that you keep saying "I will fix this" "I will work on this" and "I will find a way to make things normal" -- to paraphrase anyway --- I, I , I , I, I --- what about him??? How come you aren't centered on his waking up and realizing he can lose you and his marriage and DO something about his behavior???
Bottom line is he needs to speak up and tell his mother where to put it and how many times it can go in when it gets there.
And for every day he does not wake up and make it clear to his mother you come first and that what hurts him hurts you, the rift between the 2 of you will grow larger.
Go to a counselor on your own first and speak to him or her about this -- I also don't know if this is a cultural thing. And if it is, things are worse for you: the wife takes a back seat and the mother comes in first: that is how it is in many cultures.
I also would not invite her to any dinner of any kind, not even take out from a Wendy's -- she is liable to start a scene, and let's face it:
Why should you allow a pig into YOUR home??? She's made it clear she detests you.
And what is worse is that your H doesn't care how uncomfortable she makes you feel -- he keeps looking the other way.
He was in no shape to get married. If you cannot stand up to your parents, then you've got a heck of a lot of growing up to do. You are not fit to take a spouse if you can't be your own person.