Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: MIL from H#LL
Be the change you want to see in the world!
I will not be attending but would welcome you to stop by my new house for a late afternoon/early evening traditional intimate [FAMILY] Thanksgiving celebration with good food and good football.
Love and miss you, Mom xo
Know that pretty much anything that you say at this point will have almost no chance of making her understand and accept the new reality that you two are now your own, new family. I think the counselor idea is great. She may refuse, or she may think that it is an opportunity to have a counselor side with her, and show her son how poorly he's been treating her (because she seems to honestly believe her deranged perspective). If your husband is able to convince her, it will be a good opportunity for him to explain in the most constructive way possible that she will always be his mother, and will always hold that honorable title. But you are now his wife, and he is going to build a new life with new traditions with his new family. He hopes that his mother will be a part of it, but she can not be the center of it.
Any time you're making plans to visit family or friends for a holiday, you do have to take in consideration other people's preferences or availability. The more you want to see the person, the more willing you need to bend your own plans to make it happen. So decide who you want to see, when, and how badly you want to see them - then make your plans, and bend as needed. Of course, if your plans include avoiding all/some family - then that's something you can decide too.
If you decide that your Christmas plans should include visiting your MIL at her house, I would most definitely visit her with your husband. She doesn't get the reward of getting just your husband alone. You are always a package deal (except for the rare "one of you is unavailable" situation), and she needs to understand that.
I want to add that I do like the idea of combining both sides of the family together when possible. I've been in the situation of visiting a boyfriend's in-laws, and it wasn't uncomfortable because there were enough people there that I did know. We've also combined our in-laws together, and even the extended brother in laws on both sides have things in common and get along great. I'm not saying that it will always be comfortable for every family in every situation, but I did want to throw out the idea that it is possible for it to be an enjoyable experience for everyone involved - it just depends on the families. So don't avoid mixing in-laws because you're assuming that your Brother-in-law's future wife will feel uncomfortable. When the time comes to it, you can suggest it as an option, and let your future sister-in-law decide whether or not they feel comfortable, and want to join in.
If you like set schedules, and find comfort in knowing what to expect, then I agree that you should set your schedule now for the future, but personally I don't think you need to start setting your plans for all future Christmases now. Some years you may really want to have a family-centered "SEE EVERYONE" Christmas, and some years you may just want to stay home and see people before/after the holiday. Other people's schedules/desires may also change in the future. You don't have to sign "Christmas Contracts" to lock in future obligations if you don't want to. Just reassess each year what is right for you and your family, and then set & keep boundaries as you are this year.
Disneygeek made an excellent point about going to your MIL's house WITH your H. You mentioned earlier that he usually goes ahead of you, then you go after and meet up later. I think this is a bad move to do that because your MIL is probably thinking you are either afraid of her or whatever (sorry, sleep deprived mama here so the words are not coming to me really, but you get the idea). You need to stand firm and show her that her bullying tactics and rudeness are not going to intimidate you. And then be united if she is rude to you - just get up and leave. But your H really needs to shut that shit down altogether with her badmouthing you. She needs to accept the fact that her son is a grown up, with a wife, and a life of his own now. If she chooses to be a part of it, great, if not, oh well. That's her problem. You tried, but I wouldn't try too hard anymore at this point - she's showing you loud and clear how she is and that she won't change.
That aside, it is true - you guys are the #1 priority and therefore should spend the holidays how you see fit. If it means going to multiple houses in one day, so be it. If it means going to Prague (I vote for that), do it. If it means mixing it up year to year, then you can do that too. And yes, when children come into the picture, it definitely changes things - you don't want to be schleping your kids around all day from place to place....it's no fun and not fair for them.
This is true - why would you want to spend the holiday with someone who clearly is not a fan of yours? I'll tell you why. Because your H is someone who loves you dearly - he is your family - and by going to her house - TOGETHER WITH HIM - not separate, sends the message to your MIL that you are here to stay and not going anywhere. This is key - you must go there together, should you decide to go. Going separately gives his mother the opportunity to badmouth you to your H (not that he should be listening to her), but you know, enough times of that kind of stuff can wear a person down. Don't leave your H alone like that to be on the defense, especially on Christmas. If you decide to go, stay for a short time, do what you need to do, then leave. I personally would skip it altogether, but since it is his mother....
Here's a question - is she like this with your BIL's wife? You might have mentioned earlier and I missed it, but I'm curious if she behaves like this with her....
If your husband was ready to completely cut his mother out of his life, and end that relationship, then it would be a completely different situation. However, based on what you've said, it doesn't seem like he's ready to do that just yet. Instead, you're working on setting boundaries with her, and I think you're doing a wonderful job. One of the boundaries that you're trying to establish is that she can't have "just him" whenever she wants. You're a package deal. You're family. You are each other's priorities. He isn't going to ditch you on a major holiday just to spend time with her (nor, are you going to ditch him to spend time with your family). So I suggest you bite the bullet and send the message, loud and clear. The more consistent you are now, the easier things will be later.
Hopefully.
Be the change you want to see in the world!