I am NOT Mrs.Husband'sName

Re: I am NOT Mrs.Husband'sName

• SmrBrd2012 member

  

  November 2014

  RosieC18 said:

  Meh. I wouldn't be so hard on OP. I changed my name, I didn't lose it. I find the origins of Mr. And Mrs. Hisfirst Last to be sexist and lame and it's not a construction that I use. However, I don't get upset at others who use it (even though it rubs me the wrong way to see it) because I know that's not how it's intended. Like when people say they got "gypped" I don't assume they're racist or get upset, I just inform them the origins of the word and let them know it's considered rude.
  
  OP, I don't think there's a way you can stop people from calling you that, so for your own sake I would work on letting it go, until and unless you find an opportunity to bring up your feelings and the reason behind them in conversation.

  Can i just say that this is the first time I've heard of gypped being racist? I totally never knew it had those connotations because I never really knew how it was spelled. So thanks for opening my eyes!

  

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• xNimirrax member

  

  December 2014

  I hate the idea of "Mr. and Mrs. Joe Smith". I'm not Joe Smith! So I understand OP frustration. However, I'm 100% fine with "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" I know that putting the mans first name is etiquette but I do agree that it's very antiquated and that needs to eventually go away.
  
  I don't get angry about it, but when I address things I try to leave off the first name. I was working on Christmas cards and I addressed them all different. A few were "Joe and Jane Smith" since Christmas cards are slightly less formal. Though for my aunts and uncles who are older generation I did the "Mr. and Mrs. Smith"
  
  I think it's hard to know what each and every person prefers so I just try to go with something in the middle that to me is least offensive.
  

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• DrWifePhD member

  

  December 2014

  ReturnOfKuus said:

  It may be common and traditional, but the reason it is common and traditional is pure sexism.
  
  I plan to deal with this by getting a PhD; under no circumstances is it appropriate to address someone with a doctorate as "Mrs. Offred" or whatever. 
  

  I saw your comment and I laughed out loud.  I had a PhD for three years before I was married, and even before we were married close family members addressed things Mr. & Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName.  They thought I was so excited to be Mrs. HisLastName that they jumped the gun on it.  I hated it and told them and they didn't understand what was wrong with me.  

  
  

  I don't get bent out of shape in general social situations where there is no reasonable way a person should know whether I go by Mrs. (I don't, I go by Ms. in the rare circumstances a PhD is not allowed to hold the title Dr. and still needs a title).  It's a harmless assumption and I can't fight every insult the "patriarchy" throws at me.  And if a distant friend or relative sends us formal mail with that address, I suck it up.  But DH will be getting his PhD soon and I have already warned him that the first letter addressed "Dr. and Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName" will be burned.

  
  

  It's silly and spiteful, but I play a mean little game.  If you see me at most holidays, and I can reasonably assume you know I have a PhD, if you send me a letter marked "Mrs." I will return it or find some other way to quietly punish you.  My cousin's now-wife (who meets these criteria) addressed her wedding invitation to us "Mr. & Mrs.".  It cost her $20 on a wedding gift. 

  
  

  But kidding aside, just learn to let the little things slide and pick your battles.  Most engaged couples are just following the rules and don't know each of our personal preferences.  And service industry workers are just trying to be friendly and nice.  And just think of this new last name as an opportunity to justify purchasing lots of new personalized stuff.

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• GilliC member

  

  December 2014

  DrWifePhD said:

  ReturnOfKuus said:

  It may be common and traditional, but the reason it is common and traditional is pure sexism.
  
  I plan to deal with this by getting a PhD; under no circumstances is it appropriate to address someone with a doctorate as "Mrs. Offred" or whatever. 
  

  I saw your comment and I laughed out loud.  I had a PhD for three years before I was married, and even before we were married close family members addressed things Mr. & Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName.  They thought I was so excited to be Mrs. HisLastName that they jumped the gun on it.  I hated it and told them and they didn't understand what was wrong with me.  

  
  

  I don't get bent out of shape in general social situations where there is no reasonable way a person should know whether I go by Mrs. (I don't, I go by Ms. in the rare circumstances a PhD is not allowed to hold the title Dr. and still needs a title).  It's a harmless assumption and I can't fight every insult the "patriarchy" throws at me.  And if a distant friend or relative sends us formal mail with that address, I suck it up.  But DH will be getting his PhD soon and I have already warned him that the first letter addressed "Dr. and Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName" will be burned.

  
  

  It's silly and spiteful, but I play a mean little game.  If you see me at most holidays, and I can reasonably assume you know I have a PhD, if you send me a letter marked "Mrs." I will return it or find some other way to quietly punish you.  My cousin's now-wife (who meets these criteria) addressed her wedding invitation to us "Mr. & Mrs.".  It cost her $20 on a wedding gift. 

  
  

  But kidding aside, just learn to let the little things slide and pick your battles.  Most engaged couples are just following the rules and don't know each of our personal preferences.  And service industry workers are just trying to be friendly and nice.  And just think of this new last name as an opportunity to justify purchasing lots of new personalized stuff.

  I cannot stand title snobs. I have a colleague who makes a fuss about using Dr. as his title everywhere. Our corporate culture is first names only, so his insistence on his title being recognized makes him look incredibly insecure. I often wonder if he realizes that nearly a quarter of our employees have PhDs, since most people don't use a title at all.

  
  

  But then, I've never understood the fuss. I know people with PhDs who can barely perform experiments at an undergraduate level. And I have another colleague who's French, so he never admits that he has a PhD, because people in his field in France only get PhDs when they're putting off getting a job (which he was).

  

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