Cheaters who remarry

catsareniice1 · January 2015

I just read that cheaters who remarry are three and a half times more likely to cheat in a new marriage. Yikes!! You wonder why they even bother.

catsareniice1 · January 2015

My guess is they do find love again but fall into the same habit. Maybe cheating is innate for some? My ex remarried last July for his new wife's sake (I'm sure she is very nice), I hope he stays faithful.

I know a woman who cheated on three husbands and just remarried a 4th time. Maybe these people really try/just want to start fresh but can't commit. I've never cheated on anyone so I just don't understand.

GilliC · January 2015

I think that in a lot of cases people cheat because they're not getting exactly what they want/expect out of their marriage. That's a huge symptom of not fully understanding what you want or not having the relationship skills to get it. A lot of people marry the wrong person and never even realize. So they're unhappy in their relationship, they cheat, and they end up splitting up. Very few of those people take the time to really understand what went wrong the first time, so they end up in another unfulfilling relationship and end up cheating again.

I think there are very few people who are innate cheaters. I believe instead that the "once a cheater, always a cheater" stereotype comes from the fact that most cheaters don't spend the time self reflecting to understand what they really want. For example, people who like the thrill of the risk may be compensating for a general subconscious feeling that their lives are uninteresting. And people who marry the hot macho guy who isn't supportive of their career success are quite likely to end up with another hot macho guy who isn't supportive, because they're drawn to the type for a reason, even though it's not the kind of guy they really need.

I think that if someone truly recognizes and understands why they cheated and takes actions to avoid repeating the same mistakes, it's quite possible that they won't cheat again in later relationships.

GilliC · January 2015

(This comes back to that "Love is not enough" idea. "Finding love" is never the hard part. The hard part is finding someone who's truly compatible, especially when it means giving up someone you love.)

artbyallie · January 2015

The part I don't get is why anyone would marry a cheater. Unless they just didn't know. My aunt's cheating ex-H married one of the women he had cheated with. I don't doubt for a second he's cheating on her. And possibly she's cheating on him. Guess they deserve each other.

GilliC · January 2015

artbyallie said:

The part I don't get is why anyone would marry a cheater. Unless they just didn't know. My aunt's cheating ex-H married one of the women he had cheated with. I don't doubt for a second he's cheating on her. And possibly she's cheating on him. Guess they deserve each other.

Isn't it like any past mistake? Would you marry someone who was an alcoholic but who was in AA and had been sober for over 10 years? Would you marry someone who was convicted of a crime but had served time and was genuinely repentant for past actions? If so, how is cheating any different if the person admits that it was a mistake and has actively worked towards understanding the root cause and avoiding it in future?

At the end of the day, isn't a judgement call about whether you think a person will fall back into old habits or not? Of course you're perfectly entitled to say, "I don't understand why anyone would marry an alcoholic or convicted criminal," but thankfully there are people who don't.

ETA - I do understand why people who have been cheated on often say this. It can be an extremely difficult trust issue to overcome. But those people generally realize that to a large extent, it's their own issue, and not necessarily one they're ready/willing to move past.

catsareniice1 · January 2015

Three and a half times more likely is all I need to know. My ex husband's dad cheated on his mom. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Everyone I know who have cheated have been serial cheaters.

artbyallie · January 2015

GilliC said:

artbyallie said:

The part I don't get is why anyone would marry a cheater. Unless they just didn't know. My aunt's cheating ex-H married one of the women he had cheated with. I don't doubt for a second he's cheating on her. And possibly she's cheating on him. Guess they deserve each other.

Isn't it like any past mistake? Would you marry someone who was an alcoholic but who was in AA and had been sober for over 10 years? Would you marry someone who was convicted of a crime but had served time and was genuinely repentant for past actions? If so, how is cheating any different if the person admits that it was a mistake and has actively worked towards understanding the root cause and avoiding it in future?

At the end of the day, isn't a judgement call about whether you think a person will fall back into old habits or not? Of course you're perfectly entitled to say, "I don't understand why anyone would marry an alcoholic or convicted criminal," but thankfully there are people who don't.

ETA - I do understand why people who have been cheated on often say this. It can be an extremely difficult trust issue to overcome. But those people generally realize that to a large extent, it's their own issue, and not necessarily one they're ready/willing to move past.

I have never been cheated on. Depending on the crime I would potentially not marry a convicted felon. I would also be extremely hesitant to marry a recovered/ing addict. My grandmother's brother has fallen off the wagon God knows how many times.

But in any case, I consider cheaters incurable. If you are screwed up enough to do something like that, no, I would never trust you to not do it again. Cheating is not an accident. It's a deliberate behavior. I wouldn't marry a sociopath.

bmo88 · January 2015

I think a lot of things have to be taken into consideration. Cheating is never ok, but it does happen for different reasons. Some people cheat when their relationship is failing and they are desperate for an emotional or sexual connection. Some cheat for the thrill and "risk" involved. Some do it once and never do it again, others are serial cheaters.

Regardless, human behavior is 100% unpredictable. You can never predict with absolute certainty what someone will do. There are trends, statistics and propensities, but no absolutes. It's naive to think that once someone has made a mistake that they will always make that mistake.

While people will try to refute the "young couples have a higher risk of getting divorced" statistic, they can't understand the same logic for alcoholics, cheaters, etc. Statistics are informative, but not absolutes.

@artbyallie: Cheating isn't a "disease" that needs to be cured. It's a choice, albeit a poor choice. Just like people make a choice to lose weight, stop drinking or quit smoking, one can choose to stop cheating. It may be a hard habit to change, but it's doable. I understand that you personally couldn't trust that person, but I also don't think you understand what the term "sociopath" actually means...

artbyallie · January 2015

A sociopath has no concern for morality and/or the hurt they do another person. I feel a cheater fits into that quite neatly.

bmo88 · January 2015

@artbyallie Actually the standard definition of a sociopath is: ˈsōsēōˌpaTH/ noun a person with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial attitudes and behavior and a lack of conscience.

So you are wrong and reaching quite a bit. While it states an antisocial person has a "lack of conscience," it clearly denotes a personality disorder. That includes a whole slew of other issues, outside of just cheating. Therefore, basic logic shows: While some sociopaths might be cheaters, not all cheaters are sociopath.

What you are describing is a person who is a douche, has poor character or has had a lapse in judgement. Depending on the circumstances that lead to infidelity and how often they have cheated, would determine what that person might be considered. Likely, not a sociopath though.

NoneForUs · January 2015

bmo88 said:

I think a lot of things have to be taken into consideration. Cheating is never ok, but it does happen for different reasons. Some people cheat when their relationship is failing and they are desperate for an emotional or sexual connection. Some cheat for the thrill and "risk" involved. Some do it once and never do it again, others are serial cheaters.

Regardless, human behavior is 100% unpredictable. You can never predict with absolute certainty what someone will do. There are trends, statistics and propensities, but no absolutes. It's naive to think that once someone has made a mistake that they will always make that mistake.

While people will try to refute the "young couples have a higher risk of getting divorced" statistic, they can't understand the same logic for alcoholics, cheaters, etc. Statistics are informative, but not absolutes.

@artbyallie: Cheating isn't a "disease" that needs to be cured. It's a choice, albeit a poor choice. Just like people make a choice to lose weight, stop drinking or quit smoking, one can choose to stop cheating. It may be a hard habit to change, but it's doable. I understand that you personally couldn't trust that person, but I also don't think you understand what the term "sociopath" actually means...

I am 100% certain that I will NEVER cheat on my husband. I saw so much infidelity growing up that the mere thought of it makes me nauseous. It is almost like an aversion.

A cheater can change if they want to but they have to be willing to do the emotional work that is required. I was promiscuous before I was married but I managed to change that with counseling and insight into my past. Even though I was a slut before I married, I still never cheated on any of my past partners.

bmo88 · January 2015

NoneForUs:

I think it is sad and unfortunate that you referred to your past sexual behavior in a way that you would consider yourself a "slut." That is a derogatory term and I don't think anyone deserves to be called that. Being sexually active with multiple partners is a choice, but it doesn't mean that it is "slutty."

Just like you worked on your past issues, cheaters can work on their issues too. Yes, they have to want to change, but change is possible. Once again, human behavior is unpredictable. Therefore even a person who seem unlikely to change, can in fact change for the better.

NoneForUs · January 2015

@bmo88 Why are you so concerned about what I call myself? I find that very puzzling.

Just as you repeatedly judge and correct forum members' word choices, I can also freely use whatever words I want to describe my past behavior. I was promiscuous and I own that by calling myself a slut.

I understand that you feel the need to educate others. Just be mindful that you may come across as condescending, which will make it harder for forum members to listen to you. There are ways to correct others without talking down to them.

Posting word definitions to prove another member wrong and referring to my word choice as "sad" is very patronizing. I did say that cheaters can change their behavior if they are willing to do the work, so I'm not sure why you responded as if I wasn't aware of that.

bmo88 · January 2015

NoneForUs:

1) I was agreeing with you. So don't get your panties in a bunch. This is a forum, so I can respond to whoever I want. I don't really care what others think. I didn't say anything offensive either.

2) The other member created her own "definition" of what she thought a cheater was and what a sociopath was. So I can freely post an actual definition. I am not educating anyone given she could do a simple google search and figure it out (like I did). Posting word definitions is backing up a point. It's not condescending, it's common sense. I also didn't judge her, like she clearly judges cheaters.

3) You want to call yourself a slut, then fine. So be it. Never said you couldn't. I don't personally think being promiscuous automatically equals being a slut. But if you personally equate your behavior with such a derogatory term, then do it. As long as you don't call others that (not saying you did), then it's all good.

Go about your day now.

NoneForUs · January 2015

@bmo88

lt appears that you did not read my last post to you or perhaps you didn't understand it.

First of all, it is clear that my issue was the tone and wording of some of your responses. I never tried to tell you who you should respond to. I merely brought your arrogant tone to your attention. If you enjoy correcting others, there is no need to get upset when someone corrects you. Were you trying to say that @artbyallie didn't have enough "common sense" to post definitions from a "simple Google search?"

If it is "all good" that I call myself a slut, what was the point of judging my use of that word? I am genuinely confused about your contradictory reaction to calling myself a slut. We agree that I was talking about myself so there wasn't any harm done. I would understand your imperious reaction if I called another forum member a slut but that isn't what happened.

As for the forum topic, I believe that marrying a cheater who is unrepentant and doesn't want to change is a foolish choice. I have an aunt who married her affair partner. Not only does she have to deal with people calling her a homewrecker, but she has to live with the knowledge that if her partner will cheat on his wife of 20+ years, surely he will have no issue with being unfaithful to her as well. I don't even associate with this aunt because I am disgusted with her behavior. Her last child was also with a married man and I detest anyone who likes to go after other people's spouses.

bmo88 · January 2015

NoneForUs: This is pointless, but I will respond. I am not upset that you are attempting to "correct" me or whatever you are trying/not trying to do.

I said "common sense" as I was defining my use of the word. I wasn't insulting the other user. But if you want to interpret it that way.

Lastly, I said in my follow up statement that I am fine with you calling yourself whatever you want because you clearly feel so strongly. I never said you couldn't call yourself a slut. Before I said it made me "sad" because I do think it's unfortunate when someone refers to themself in that way, that's my prerogative. Just like it's your prerogative to call yourself whatever you want.

I am not contradicting myself. You are turning my comments into your own interpretation. It is difficult to identify tone, intention or inflection in posts online. You are definitely reading a lot of stuff in my posts that isn't actually there.

But as I said before, do what you please. It's your life, your choice.

GilliC · January 2015

I also reacted to the above use of the term slut. I think it's okay to say "I considered myself a slut..." or "I consider my behavior slutty..." but the way it was worded seemed to come across more as a statement of fact.

I was promiscuous before I was married ... I was a slut

If you want to describe yourself that way, okay, but it (perhaps unintentionally?) read as though you were saying that anyone who is promiscuous is a slut. And that is a message that many of us would disagree with.

NoneForUs · January 2015

GilliC said: I also reacted to the above use of the term slut. I think it's okay to say "I considered myself a slut..." or "I consider my behavior slutty..." but the way it was worded seemed to come across more as a statement of fact. I was promiscuous before I was married ... I was a slut If you want to describe yourself that way, okay, but it (perhaps unintentionally?) read as though you were saying that anyone who is promiscuous is a slut. And that is a message that many of us would disagree with. *********

How could I be saying that "anyone who is promiscuous is a slut" when I was clearly talking about myself and nobody else?

I'm having trouble seeing how the statement "I was promiscuous before I was married...I was a slut" pertains to anyone but me. I believe that we are all smart enough to know that if someone uses the word "I", she is not talking about anyone else. For example: "I was fat before I started exercising" means that the speaker is saying he/she (Not anyone else) was fat before making a lifestyle change.

I understand that you may not like the word "slut". However, there is no need to pretend that I was calling all promiscuous women sluts when I was distinctly speaking of my own past behavior and nobody else's.

artbyallie · January 2015

@NoneForUs, you actually did equate being promiscuous with being a slut in the parallel construction of your sentences.

I get that you're not offended by the word. When someone else tells you what you said bothered them, it is still appropriate to apologize and recognize that maybe you shouldn't have used the word that way.

GilliC · January 2015

I thought you were saying that you consider yourself a slut because of your promiscuity. I guess I misunderstood what you were trying to say. It sounded like you were implying a relationship between the two things.

NoneForUs · January 2015

artbyallie said:

@NoneForUs, you actually did equate being promiscuous with being a slut in the parallel construction of your sentences.

I get that you're not offended by the word. When someone else tells you what you said bothered them, it is still appropriate to apologize and recognize that maybe you shouldn't have used the word that way.

To be honest, I never considered the parallel construction of my sentence.

I am sorry that my use of the word "slut" and "promiscuous" offended some of you. I assumed that it wasn't going to be a problem since I was talking about myself.

artbyallie · February 2015

Thanks for the apology.

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