Interesting article: money and kids

julieanne912 · October 2015

hoffse said:

Yeah I'll be totally honest that kids intimidate me. We both want them, so we will figure it out, but we have really enjoyed being DINKs, and neither of us feels like our life is missing anything. We're also both very career-driven, and managing that is going to be a huge change.

Oh and change. I hate change. I've been slowly hyping myself up for it over the last few years so that I don't completely flip out when everything turns upside down.

This is totally our problem, we have a great life right now, and things are just getting rolling with a new career I started. I also hate change and I've had SO MUCH of it in the past year. I actually love babies. It's when they get past about 2 that totally freaks me out, and then past about 5 when they just intimidate me. And, to be honest, the main reason I want a kid is because I worry I'll regret it later if I don't have one, and I think my H will actually be a great dad.

But, we also agreed we wouldn't take any measures beyond what nature gives us to have a kid. No in vitro, fertility drugs, etc etc., and no adoption either. I feel like as long as we give it a good try and it just doesn't happen, I wouldn't have the regrets I would if we didn't at least try for a bit.

als1982 · October 2015

hoffse said:
Yeah I'll be totally honest that kids intimidate me. We both want them, so we will figure it out, but we have really enjoyed being DINKs, and neither of us feels like our life is missing anything. We're also both very career-driven, and managing that is going to be a huge change.

Oh and change. I hate change. I've been slowly hyping myself up for it over the last few years so that I don't completely flip out when everything turns upside down.

This, all of this.

We have been TTC since May but would be completely fine and fully fulfilled if it doesn't happen for us. We have both agreed we would go so far as Clomid but not IUI or IVF.

Also, I felt the same way about a husbad. I didn't meet H until I was 30. I was never going to settle just for lack of companionship or to help pay the mortgage.

Xstatic3333 · October 2015

hoffse said:
Yeah I'll be totally honest that kids intimidate me. We both want will figure it out, but we have really enjoyed being DINKs, and neither of us feels like our life is missing anything. We're also both very career-driven, and managing that is going to be a huge change.

Oh and change. I hate change. I've been slowly hyping myself up for it over the last few years so that I don't completely flip out when everything turns upside down.

This is me, big time. We're starting soon because it makes sense to (H is 36) and we've both always wanted at least one child very much, but I am very nervous about how much life will change. We lead full, happy lives as things are now. I find researching, learning, and lurking TB (though I'm not always sure I fit in there) is helping me psych myself up for it. I also tell myself that we'll find ways to share what we love-travel, the outdoors, and the ocean-with our LO instead of giving it all up. Things will change, not go away, and parenting will enrich our lives so much too.

cbee817 · October 2015

hoffse said:

Yeah I'll be totally honest that kids intimidate me. We both want them, so we will figure it out, but we have really enjoyed being DINKs, and neither of us feels like our life is missing anything. We're also both very career-driven, and managing that is going to be a huge change.

Oh and change. I hate change. I've been slowly hyping myself up for it over the last few years so that I don't completely flip out when everything turns upside down.

Maybe you're just not ready yet. DH and I were happy as the 2 of us, but we wanted kids.. we wanted the change, the chaos, the stress, the happiness, the responsibility, the love, the family. You have to want it and no one else can want it for you- it doesn't matter what your parents, IL, friends, coworkers, etc say or ask.. it's what you want for you and your partner's life. Kids or no kids- it doesn't matter as long as you are fulfilled and happy.

Xstatic3333 · October 2015

cbee817 said:

hoffse said:

Yeah I'll be totally honest that kids intimidate me. We both want them, so we will figure it out, but we have really enjoyed being DINKs, and neither of us feels like our life is missing anything. We're also both very career-driven, and managing that is going to be a huge change.

Oh and change. I hate change. I've been slowly hyping myself up for it over the last few years so that I don't completely flip out when everything turns upside down.

Maybe you're just not ready yet. DH and I were happy as the 2 of us, but we wanted kids.. we wanted the change, the chaos, the stress, the happiness, the responsibility, the love, the family. You have to want it and no one else can want it for you- it doesn't matter what your parents, IL, friends, coworkers, etc say or ask.. it's what you want for you and your partner's life. Kids or no kids- it doesn't matter as long as you are fulfilled and happy.

I see what you mean here, but I know for myself I do feel very ready, but also quite nervous. I know I'm ready because I was just presented with a very good reason to delay TTC a month (my best friend's wedding-I know, I know, but I'd be heartbroken to miss it) and felt extremely bummed about it. Still, I know once we're really going for it the weight of the responsibility will really hit me from time to time. I think there is a wide world of reactions to TTC between feeling 100% ready and not feeling ready at all. That's one reason why, though I'm starting to participate on TB, I don't always feel like I fit in. I am excited, but feel less 100% ready than most on the waiting/ttc boards there.

It's hard to say at this point what steps we would take if it doesn't go well for us. I think I'll know how we feel once/if we get there. I'd probably do Clomid and basic testing. I doubt I'd do IVF but could always change my mind. I'd definitely do adoption but H isn't so sure about it, and we'd have to be on the same page. If we never had kids I would feel sad, but I do know we would continue to find fulfillment and happiness in other areas of our lives.

maple2 · October 2015

cbee817 said:

hoffse said:

Yeah I'll be totally honest that kids intimidate me. We both want them, so we will figure it out, but we have really enjoyed being DINKs, and neither of us feels like our life is missing anything. We're also both very career-driven, and managing that is going to be a huge change.

Oh and change. I hate change. I've been slowly hyping myself up for it over the last few years so that I don't completely flip out when everything turns upside down.

Maybe you're just not ready yet. DH and I were happy as the 2 of us, but we wanted kids.. we wanted the change, the chaos, the stress, the happiness, the responsibility, the love, the family. You have to want it and no one else can want it for you- it doesn't matter what your parents, IL, friends, coworkers, etc say or ask.. it's what you want for you and your partner's life. Kids or no kids- it doesn't matter as long as you are fulfilled and happy.

I think it's totally reasonable to know that you want kids but also not be thrilled about every aspect of having them. Heck, I have kids and I still feel that way. I don't regret having kids, but there sure are a lot of things about my pre-kids life that I miss.

One thing that she mentions in the article, and that I've heard from others who choose not to have kids is that they really value the freedom and flexibility it leaves them for personal growth. I have to say that being a parent has challenged me to do a lot of soul searching and reflection that sure feels like personal growth. I don't have time to spend weekends a a meditation retreat (or other life changing/enriching activity), but every day I have to think about what my values are and whether I am living up to my own expectations of myself so that I can be a good role model for my children. It has also opened me up in new ways to thinking more broadly about how my actions affect others because I am so much more intensely aware of and invested in another person. This type of growth is certainly less self directed than a childless version, but, at least for me, the idea that parenthood precludes all personal growth has been completely false.

hoffse · October 2015

Xstatic3333 said:

cbee817 said:

hoffse said:

Yeah I'll be totally honest that kids intimidate me. We both want them, so we will figure it out, but we have really enjoyed being DINKs, and neither of us feels like our life is missing anything. We're also both very career-driven, and managing that is going to be a huge change.

Oh and change. I hate change. I've been slowly hyping myself up for it over the last few years so that I don't completely flip out when everything turns upside down.

Maybe you're just not ready yet. DH and I were happy as the 2 of us, but we wanted kids.. we wanted the change, the chaos, the stress, the happiness, the responsibility, the love, the family. You have to want it and no one else can want it for you- it doesn't matter what your parents, IL, friends, coworkers, etc say or ask.. it's what you want for you and your partner's life. Kids or no kids- it doesn't matter as long as you are fulfilled and happy.

I see what you mean here, but I know for myself I do feel very ready, but also quite nervous. I know I'm ready because I was just presented with a very good reason to delay TTC a month (my best friend's wedding-I know, I know, but I'd be heartbroken to miss it) and felt extremely bummed about it. Still, I know once we're really going for it the weight of the responsibility will really hit me from time to time. I think there is a wide world of reactions to TTC between feeling 100% ready and not feeling ready at all. That's one reason why, though I'm starting to participate on TB, I don't always feel like I fit in. I am excited, but feel less 100% ready than most on the waiting/ttc boards there.

It's hard to say at this point what steps we would take if it doesn't go well for us. I think I'll know how we feel once/if we get there. I'd probably do Clomid and basic testing. I doubt I'd do IVF but could always change my mind. I'd definitely do adoption but H isn't so sure about it, and we'd have to be on the same page. If we never had kids I would feel sad, but I do know we would continue to find fulfillment and happiness in other areas of our lives.

***SITB****

If I waited until I felt ready, it would never happen. I just dislike change too much. Every big life event I've had I have had to just suck it up and do it. It always works out fine, but until I know things are fine I worry about the "what-ifs."

Even things I was really excited for (like buying a house or even getting married... and we dated 10 years, by the way) made me really nervous, and there were times I was super reluctant to jump into it. I certainly haven't regretted the change after it happened, but anticipating it was not fun.

At this point I'm actually not that concerned about the finances of it. I know we can afford it. I know my H will be a great dad, and I hope I will be a good mom. It's the time commitment and what we will be giving up for ourselves that makes me nervous. We have decided to put it off until I finish my LLM next year because I just don't have the time right now. I can't work the job I work, make good grades in my tax classes, and parent a newborn without losing it.

But yeah I'm never going to be jumping for joy to get started. It's just not in my nature.

vlagrl29 · October 2015

having kids does change things, but its for the better. I can't imagine a life with DD - she has been such a joy in our lives. It changed for me as soon as we conceived - but that was temporary and only lasted 9 months. Once she was outside I was able to get my body back and focus on her.

I choose to SAH because that's what I've always wanted to do and luckily we can financially afford it BUT I had to realize I needed to say no to things and finally accepted I can't do it all. I needed to prioritize life - She takes energy from other things. I had to stop playing in a community orchestra because it was too much on my plate. I could still teach part time but if I did it full time I would never be home at night with my family. My outlet is yoga which I'm happy to be able to squeeze that in my life too.

Life is different but its a better kind of different. We don't go out as much with friends but we still travel, have fun outside of the home. You can adapt your lifestyle with kids.

brij2006 · October 2015

hoffse said:

Yeah I'll be totally honest that kids intimidate me. We both want them, so we will figure it out, but we have really enjoyed being DINKs, and neither of us feels like our life is missing anything. We're also both very career-driven, and managing that is going to be a huge change.

Oh and change. I hate change. I've been slowly hyping myself up for it over the last few years so that I don't completely flip out when everything turns upside down.

That was my H. Hence why he wasn't for doing much fertility assistance when we were diagnosed. He hates change and our life was going on just fine being DINKS. But he will be the first to say that he can't imagine his life without DD now, and he would never go back to being DINKS if it meant giving her up.
None of this happened for us though until she was physically here. Even while I was pregnant we really didn't understand the realm of change that was coming. It's all good change though.

csuave · October 2015

julieanne912 said:

hoffse said:

Yeah I'll be totally honest that kids intimidate me. We both want them, so we will figure it out, but we have really enjoyed being DINKs, and neither of us feels like our life is missing anything. We're also both very career-driven, and managing that is going to be a huge change.

Oh and change. I hate change. I've been slowly hyping myself up for it over the last few years so that I don't completely flip out when everything turns upside down.

This is totally our problem, we have a great life right now, and things are just getting rolling with a new career I started. I also hate change and I've had SO MUCH of it in the past year. I actually love babies. It's when they get past about 2 that totally freaks me out, and then past about 5 when they just intimidate me. And, to be honest, the main reason I want a kid is because I worry I'll regret it later if I don't have one, and I think my H will actually be a great dad.

But, we also agreed we wouldn't take any measures beyond what nature gives us to have a kid. No in vitro, fertility drugs, etc etc., and no adoption either. I feel like as long as we give it a good try and it just doesn't happen, I wouldn't have the regrets I would if we didn't at least try for a bit.

The little kids freak me out! I like older kids. A guy a know (with his wife) fostered an older kid for a couple years and then adopted him. Now they have a teenager and they haven't even been parents for (relatively) that long. We have decided to be child free but if we reversed that decision I could see the older kid scenario working better for me.

PurpleBookmark · October 2015

Xstatic3333 said:

hoffse said:
Yeah I'll be totally honest that kids intimidate me. We both want will figure it out, but we have really enjoyed being DINKs, and neither of us feels like our life is missing anything. We're also both very career-driven, and managing that is going to be a huge change.

Oh and change. I hate change. I've been slowly hyping myself up for it over the last few years so that I don't completely flip out when everything turns upside down.
This is me, big time. We're starting soon because it makes sense to (H is 36) and we've both always wanted at least one child very much, but I am very nervous about how much life will change. We lead full, happy lives as things are now. I find researching, learning, and lurking TB (though I'm not always sure I fit in there) is helping me psych myself up for it. I also tell myself that we'll find ways to share what we love-travel, the outdoors, and the ocean-with our LO instead of giving it all up. Things will change, not go away, and parenting will enrich our lives so much too.

That is what happened for us - We initially thought we'd be all baby all the time but you do find ways to share what you love. Reading is my passion and I love reading to my kids and exploring all of the great kid's literature. Some of my best newborn memories of my kids are curled up in a chair reading my book while they sleep. Sharing what you're passionate about and seeing what they became passionate about is pretty awesome.

FWIW I did not want kids until we became engaged, then I wanted an only child. Weeks after my first was born I already wanted more. We have three and I'm officially that lady that ooohs and aaahs over all babies in public.

If we hadn't had kids I know we would have had an awesome life too, and I would never ask when people are going to have kids. It's a very personal and in some cases painful decision to make. I would never want to hurt someone or even just annoy them by asking something so personal.

simplyelise · October 2015

We really really need to start the trend of not asking people questions about their family planning decisions. I'm so tired of hearing people ask at church, "when are you guys going to start trying." And I'm not just tired of it for myself, but for other women. I have no idea where they are at, so it is just better not asking a probing question. By all means, talk to your close friends and read the room, because certainly no one should feel like they cannot talk about family planning or infertility. But asking in public in an offhand way is so rude.

I feel everyone's answers on wanting/not wanting kids. I love children and I've always wanted to be a mom, but I was single for a long time and had definitely come around to the idea of not having kids if I didn't find the right person. Now that I have, I'm super excited to share that in the future. But I don't want them AT ALL right now. We didn't have sex until the wedding, so the past year has been me acting like a total newb thinking I'm pregnant all the time because my period is 3 days late even though I take my BCP like a pro. But every time I was waiting for AF to come, I had dread in the pit of my stomach. I just want to be debt free and enjoy a couple years of no babies! I think it's going to be a real night/day switch for me. But once we've gotten to the wanting point, I'm hoping I can enjoy a time of NTNP before I really start freaking out and obsessing over charts!

MommyLiberty5013 · October 2015

Sometimes people write articles and tell about themselves and their decisions because they need validation. That's what this sounds like to me.

Yeah. $125k at age 50. After supposedly saving for so many decades without kiddos? Really, I know families with 5 kids, who make less money than she does who have net worth WAAAAY more than that! Even if she included her business and investment property.

There's something "off" here.

MommyLiberty5013 · October 2015

maple2 said:

cbee817 said:

hoffse said:

Yeah I'll be totally honest that kids intimidate me. We both want them, so we will figure it out, but we have really enjoyed being DINKs, and neither of us feels like our life is missing anything. We're also both very career-driven, and managing that is going to be a huge change.

Oh and change. I hate change. I've been slowly hyping myself up for it over the last few years so that I don't completely flip out when everything turns upside down.

Maybe you're just not ready yet. DH and I were happy as the 2 of us, but we wanted kids.. we wanted the change, the chaos, the stress, the happiness, the responsibility, the love, the family. You have to want it and no one else can want it for you- it doesn't matter what your parents, IL, friends, coworkers, etc say or ask.. it's what you want for you and your partner's life. Kids or no kids- it doesn't matter as long as you are fulfilled and happy.

I think it's totally reasonable to know that you want kids but also not be thrilled about every aspect of having them. Heck, I have kids and I still feel that way. I don't regret having kids, but there sure are a lot of things about my pre-kids life that I miss.

One thing that she mentions in the article, and that I've heard from others who choose not to have kids is that they really value the freedom and flexibility it leaves them for personal growth. I have to say that being a parent has challenged me to do a lot of soul searching and reflection that sure feels like personal growth. I don't have time to spend weekends a a meditation retreat (or other life changing/enriching activity), but every day I have to think about what my values are and whether I am living up to my own expectations of myself so that I can be a good role model for my children. It has also opened me up in new ways to thinking more broadly about how my actions affect others because I am so much more intensely aware of and invested in another person. This type of growth is certainly less self directed than a childless version, but, at least for me, the idea that parenthood precludes all personal growth has been completely false.

This. Bolded. 100%. You're so right!

short+sassy · October 2015

I think the worst thing about that article is the title. It gives the view...before reading the article...that she chose not to have children for purely financial reasons. Which, to me, sounded terrible and a bit galling. I was glad to see once I read the article that she never wanted children and she saw the extra financial freedom as a bonus of that decision.

I could have written that part of the article myself. I've never had a desire to have children. I saw it as a possibility when I was younger...but that was more because it felt like the "expected" thing to do. And, honestly, if I had married someone in my early 20s who REALLY wanted kids, I would have been okay with that. My mid 20s was "distant maybe, but I really don't think so" and my late 20s was "no way, totally off the table". Though that was more philosophical discussion in my head because I met my H at 26 and he didn't want any more children anyway.

Though, if I'd been single at any point after my "off the table" decision, it is certainly something I would have brought up very early on. Unlike most marital disagreements, there is no compromise on "kids vs. no kids" and I would just never get seriously involved with someone who wanted kids. No offense to her but, back when I was dating, I often ran into men who didn't want children...so I'm not quite sure where her attitude that the vast majority of men want kids is coming from.

Don't get me wrong, I certainly recognize and appreciate that financial decisions come into play for perhaps number of and timing of children for families, but to say that a woman chose to not have children for just financial reasons (like the title implied) sounded outside of reality to me.

I also appreciate that I have more freedom with money and time by choosing to be childless...but those perks (for lack of a better word) have ZERO to do with my decision.

Interesting article: money and kids

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