What's your relationship with money? How has it changed over the years?

bmo88 · November 2015

I just find this to be an interesting topic of how people view money and their relationship with it. I have friends who feel completely in control of their money and I have friends who are completely controlled by their money and fears of financial insecurity.

Personally, I have found that by talking about finances more openly, reading articles/books and self-educating, my relationship with money has become much more healthy and positive.

I used to be a crazy saver and never wanted to spend money. My family grew up in the lower middle class (family of five, $40,000 a year), so my mom was super frugal though my dad was a bit of a reckless spender. So I kind of took the habits of my mom. I used to freak out over going out to eat, wanted to only save, didn't want to go on trips and just really felt financially insecure.

Now that I feel more educated about finances, I feel more empowered. Yes, our income has increased, but so has our ability to plan financially. I now feel like I can control my money and not let it control me. We have a lot of things to figure out and debt to pay off, but it's amazing how relieving it feels to know the full picture, have a plan and then work toward it daily.

Over the years, my DH has changed a lot as well. He used to think he didn't make enough money to save. While he started out at a much lower income and grew up quite poor (single mom, 3 children, $15,000 a year), he was never educated about money. I have tried to encourage him to learn and we set goals together. So now, he "pays himself first" by automating savings and has found it is so much easier to save money.

What's your relationship with money and how has it changed over the years?

PurpleBookmark · November 2015

My current relationship with money is pretty positive. We are a family of 5 living on $46,000 which is roughly about the level my parents were at when they had small children (adjusted for inflation). We budget carefully and I think we live well for this season in our life, albeit simply.

I want my kids to have a good relationship too, we talk at the grocery store about store brands, coupons, value, quality, etc. I don't want them to be worried about money though, growing up my mom would always tell us we might not have money for Christmas that year - she really just wanted us to not expect as much as our friends, but the message it sent to me was that we were not in a good financial place.

I'm actually more worried as we start to make more money - DH is up for promotions in the next few years and I'll be back to work when the kids are a little older. Do we buy a house, remain renters, switch school districts (we're currently in a 2 bedroom apartment) ... We have a lot of financial decisions to make in about 2-3 years and that makes me anxious, so it will be interesting to see if my "money relationship" changes.

jessica490 · November 2015

My relationship with money has become so much better over the last 3 years or so, I'm 33 now. When I was in my early 20's I had gotten myself into $2-$3K worth of debt on a credit card. I didn't tell my parents even though I was living at home, but the credit card company had shut my credit card down and I had to finish paying it off. Luckily that was the LAST time I ever had a balance I didn't pay off monthly and I had learned pretty quickly to never do that again. I got better at saving and bought my first condo at 23. I usually lived check to check at that time...but got much better over the years. My parents are really good with money ( I like to call them closet millionaires) so I have good shoes to follow.

When I hit 30 I had what I like to call a mid-life crisis lol. That's when I started getting more serious about saving money and building up retirement. I got H and board and we are doing pretty good now with saving!

We still like to have our splurges (vacations, Ipad's, video games, Iphone for H etc) but we do it only if we can. We only have a mortgage, car lease, and no other debts.

abrewer5 · November 2015

My relationship with money is so-so. It's definitely improved a lot over the last few years. When I first started out I was really good about never carrying a balance on my cards, paying more than the minimum on loans and saving a bit. I fell off that wagon (I've always paid at least the minimum on loans) but have since gotten back to it. I'm not saving as much as I should but I contribute 10% to retirement and only have student loan debt and a mortgage. I'm working to reign in my spending, I tend to spend more than I should on eating out and other miscellaneous things.

I'm working on sticking to my budget I create. It's hard, but I'll get there. I will say my financial habits are much better than my parents so I'm glad I didn't fall into the same cycle they did. The biggest thing I've done to improve my financial relationship is listing my goals, estimate cost for the goals and how I can achieve them by saving X amount in X time. That really helps me stay focused. Right now I do this basically in my head but I think if I created a chart and put it on paper that would also help me more. I really want to start saving more, especially once my student loans are paid off.

brij2006 · November 2015

Oh man, can I call mine a Flame Free Confession?

Just 3 years ago my H and I were both total spenders. I would save some, but always got it to about $1,000 and then "something came up" so it would have to be spent. You know, some item I didn't really NEED was on sale, so I bought it.

We both would charge to our CC's for the points. But we felt like we didn't have any problems with money because "we made good money for the area." We live in a LCOL small town, and at that time we were grossing about $70k. But at the end of the month we would be playing catch up on our CC's. So we would pay them off in full every month, but we would need to charge things to them in order to buy groceries because we had cleared out our checking in order to pay them off. "But we never carried a balance," was what we always said to justify it.

Then 2 years ago happened. We had undergone a fertility treatment to get pregnant. We had $10,000 in savings before going through it. $5,000 of that was a wedding gift from my parents and I insisted that we not touch it. After that fertility treatment (which wasn't covered by insurance), we lost that baby. My health insurance was crap at the time and tried to decline any of the medical expenses to take care of the baby (they tried to fight it saying it was an abortion). So we depleted our savings between all of the testing, treatment, and miscarriage. The doctor prescribed me the medication for us to go through the next round of treatment to try again. But we had nothing left. We had $400 left in our savings and it was going to cost at least $2k to do the monitoring we needed for the next treatment.

So we were crunching numbers and realized it was going to take us 8 months to save up the $2k. We made too much money to live that broke and let the future of our family be ruled by finances.

So we made some changes. We listened to Dave Ramseys' Financial Peace University, put the fertility treatments onto the backburner, and got intense about paying off our debt.

We now view money entirely different. We will never ever ever go back into debt. Ever. It will take something very drastic in order for that to happen, and even then I don't think we could do it. We now have a fully funded emergency fund, and say no to a lot of things. We used to be the Jones'. I will admit that. I had a brand new car on a $30k/year salary, we had "good debt" which was $75k in student loans and car payments, but no CC debt so we thought we were good. We also used 0% financing to our advantage because we felt like it was using their money for free. We view that so entirely different now. None of that will fly in our house. Whenever we hear someone say, "you work hard, you deserve to treat yourself," we cringe because we've been those people.

If someone would have told me 3 years ago this was the way we would be living, I would have laughed. I was even part of this board then and my advice to people was so much different than it is now.

julieanne912 · November 2015

Mine is improving, although still not great.

I grew up in a poor/middle class family, I say that because when I was young, my mom didn't work, despite her earning potential being much higher than my dad's. My dad was self employed as a gardener. My mom told me that in their lowest year, they made $12,000. Their mortgage was $600/mo... so you do the math. I didn't know til later, but they received help from our church's food bank, and they had to ask my mom's parents for money. As a kid, of course, I didn't notice any of that and had a pretty happy childhood. Once my mom went back to work after I was in school, things got better, but we were never well off by any means.

But, I've always had this intense desire to have the best of everything. I always liked nice clothes, nice cars etc. This got extremely bad when I lived in Chicago and was making 6 figures a year. I was the type that would just spend whatever I felt like, and saved very little. And, I had the income to do it and not going into consumer debt (always had a car loan and student loans... should have used all that income to pay those student loans down). But then the end of 2008 hit. I went from making 6 figures one year, to $28,000 the next. I had to put my income taxes on a credit card. I used credit cards to live on basically.

I carried that debt for the next 4 years, never able to making a dent in it really, because I never regained a great income. I filed BK last year because I just couldn't figure out a way I could ever pay it off without making a lot more money. I would throw all my extra money onto paying the card, but then an unplanned expense would come up and I'd have to put it back on the card. It was a vicious cycle. I feel quite relieved now, even though I now have that awful black mark on my once perfect credit.

Even now my income isn't great, but at least have an H with good income, so I don't have to worry as much about living expenses and can focus on trying to rebuild my savings and am finally able to contribute a little to retirement. I still have a very strong desire to "keep up with the Jones'" especially because we live in a neighborhood full of people who are a bit older than us, and have better incomes than us. It's more psychological than anything... maybe stems from being teased in elementary school because I didn't have the nicest of everything. Who knows. But I at least know how to reel it in now, and have a lot more self control.

My H has Crohn's disease, and he honestly thinks he won't live to retirement. So he has the mentality of "Might as well spend it now". He's gotten better, since we've met he does contribute to his retirement through work, and he maintains a decent savings now. But his spending is still a problem. But, we're working on it. My next task for him is to get him life insurance. He gets $20,000 through my work, but I know that won't cover much. I'd like him to have enough to cover our mortgage so at least I wouldn't be homeless. I've been researching life insurance policies that don't require a health screening, which seem to be easier to get at our ages.

dragonstarjk · November 2015

This is a fascinating post to read! My relationship with money is pretty good now, but it took a lot of self-education.

I grew up poor (2 parents, 3 kids, $20-25K per year) and my parents were really terrible with money. They would buy unnecessary things and then not have money to buy groceries or pay the bills, so they got in way over their heads with credit card debt. They ended up filing for bankruptcy when I was in high school. They don't have an assets--no home, no vehicles that are worth anything, no retirement.

H also grew up poor (Single mom, 4 kids, $30K per year) but his mom worked really hard--multiple jobs at a time--and he had a little bit better of a role model. It's interesting how this translated into our grown up lives.

When I first met H, he had debt--not HUGE amounts of credit card debt, but enough. He had used them to live during college and also had student loans. He ended up filing bankruptcy the first year we were dating. That scared me a lot. After that, we used credit cards here and there up until a few years ago.

Three-ish years ago, things just started falling more into place. I had changed jobs a couple of years before that and took a huge pay cut, but our finances were ironing out. We refinanced our mortgage to a 15-year term, paid off all our credit cards, and started a savings account. I can't really pinpoint any one thing that helped us make the transition; it just kind of naturally developed into us wanting to be more financially stable.

Now, we still use credit cards for all of our purchases to earn points, but we pay them off in full every month. We also utilize 0% offers, but only if we can absolutely guarantee paying them off before the 0% runs out. We are not debt-averse, and we still use debt, but in a responsible way. We have multiple savings accounts. It has taken several years to get to a good place. I've always read lots of budgeting and money-saving blogs, and I think starting work at a bank five years ago really helped me get an inside look into a lot of different budgeting methods that work and don't work. It has taken H longer; he used to be a much more frivolous spender. It has been the last two years that he has really started thinking about saving, traveling, and retirement.

smetter04 · November 2015

I'd say I've had a pretty good relationship with money throughout my life. I grew up middle class and because my parents practiced healthy money management, my brother and I were very fortunate to have our needs and wants met, without going overboard. We were taught to balance saving and spending on things/experiences deemed worthy of spending on. That has continued.

However, as life gets more complex in adulthood, I have 3 main issues with money, that I'm trying to work on as we speak:
1. As our savings has increased, I find it difficult to part with it. I like the sense of security that comes with the number.
2. I feel like I know little about the complex inner-workings of finances, budgeting, taxes, investing, retirement, etc. This is why I'm on this board, and I've already learned a lot! But there is more to go.
3. H and I have slightly different financial mindsets. Whereas I can't part with the money we have, he sees the number and wants to spend it, because "we can afford it." Well yes, technically we can afford lots of things, but the question is not as much about affordability as about the value it brings to us (enter @hoffse's post about bringing joy). So we are trying to find a happy medium on this.

cbee817 · November 2015

DH and I have been pretty consistent for awhile now. I've always been a saver and DH had some SL debt when we got married. We were on the same page and paid it off quickly, paid for his grad school in cash (1-2 classes at a time while he was working) and I had $0 in SL debt (50% scholarship/my mom covered the other 50% for undergrad and my employer paid for graduate school) which helped us out a lot. I owned a condo at 22, we sold it 3 years later, and used the $ from it for a DP on our house. I've been with my employer now for almost 12 years, always had good benefits, and contribute to my 401K. DH had 2 layoffs with the city school district and had per diem/long term sub jobs with various other school districts, but got a permanent position this year in the #2 school district in the area. When his pay wasn't consistent, we adjusted accordingly and didn't get into debt. We had our girls when we were financially and emotionally ready. For 2015, over $16,000/year is going to day care and after school for them (our max was $20,000 in 2014 and 2016 is projected to be about $13,000), so we're using this time to figure out where in DH's new school district we want to move to and are getting the house ready for market sometime in early 2017 (as DD#2 approaches kindergarten). Worst case, the house is fixed up the way we want it and we don't move. Best case, it's up and ready for sale once we have an offer approved. We save a lot, we spend a bit, we eat well at home, the girls are happy, we have $ saved for vacations with them, we are planning for their future and our retirement. We've never been the type of people that keep up with friends, family, or neighbors.. takes way too much time and effort.

julieanne912 · November 2015

I also forgot to add that my parents never talked to us about money...how much they made, how much things cost, etc. Whenever asked, we were pretty much told it wasn't our business. So I think that had a hugely negative affect on how I viewed money once I was out on my own.

Xstatic3333 · November 2015

My relationship with money is pretty fraught. One one hand, I am a big nerd and enjoy budgeting, planning, and spreadsheets. I get a rush every time I put money in our savings or retirement. On the other hand, I have a tough time reigning in my spending impulses. I think my impulses are a bit unusual in how they are targeted. I don't really care about keeping up with the Joneses in terms of my house, car, clothes, etc. I get my hair cut only every 8 months or so because that $15 bugs me so much. Shoes get replaced once they have holes or start to smell, and you all would dissolve in giggles if I posted a picture of our 1970's boomerang-pattern countertops.

However, I have a very hard time reigning in spending on experiences. There's just so much in life I want to do or see, and when a concert or show that I know I'll love comes around, or an opportunity to visit friends and travel comes around, I just have a hard time saying no. I very rarely regret my spending on these experiences and yet I know that they are the reason our retirement and other savings aren't where they could be. Just yesterday, even though we have a big Care Credit bill to be worrying about, I had to talk myself off the ledge of booking a White Mountains hut camping trip for Veterans' Day (because "it could be our last chance before I get pregnant"). We have a big budgeted-for Europe trip coming up, and I know in my heart we need to lay low until then and attack the Care Credit bill, but I get these impulses that are hard to reign in sometimes. 90% of the time I do, but it's always a fight within myself. When I get the urge to spend irresponsibly, H can almost always be talked into supporting me.

I hope I don't sound like too much of a spoiled brat. I know we need to do better, and we have been doing better since acknowledging our troubles after getting married two years ago and actually writing out our budget. Retirement is close to on-track, we've cashed flowed all of our house projects and the e-fund is slowly building. I'm just trying to explain how my relationship with money feels inside. For me, being frugal about experiences is not something that comes naturally. You all are a big inspiration to help me improve!

Xstatic3333 · November 2015

julieanne912 said:

I also forgot to add that my parents never talked to us about money...how much they made, how much things cost, etc. Whenever asked, we were pretty much told it wasn't our business. So I think that had a hugely negative affect on how I viewed money once I was out on my own.

This was my parents, too. I plan to do things differently with my own kids, discussing budgeting and bills at an age-appropriate level so that it becomes a habit to them.

hoffse · November 2015

I think I have a pretty healthy relationship with money, but it has changed quite a bit in the last couple of years.

I was very fortunate to grow up with good financial role models. My parents never made a ton of money. My dad is a college professor at a small public school and my mom was a tech specialist in a public school system and made less than the public school teachers did her entire career. I now make more than my dad, even though I've been working 3 years, and he has been working more than 30.

My parents built their current house when I was 2, and they soon realized they would literally run out of money after the sheetrock and cabinets went up if they paid for any additional labor. So they fired the builder and finished it themselves. My dad did the hardwoods, tile, 3 decks, trim work, built-ins, etc. by himself with occasional help from his buddies. It took him a year, and he was working full-time trying to get tenured at his job while it was going on. He got tenured the following year. Instead of playing house, I literally played "Home Depot" as a kid.

Flash forward to the time I'm graduating high school, and my parents were millionaires and were able to afford private college tuition for me (though I did bring about $75K in scholarship money to the table). So in 15 years they went from completely broke to millionaires on a couple of state employees' salaries.

In the meantime we lived pretty frugally. Even though I'm an only child, they did tell me "no" a lot. The only exceptions to this were books and sheet music - I was allowed to have as much of that as I wanted. They did pay for some expensive activities for me. I was really into ballet and horses, both of which are expensive hobbies, and when I hit middle school the music bug got me. They bought my first flute from a pawn shop. My second flute and piccolo I got as a freshman in high school after placing first in the state that year. That's when they knew I was serious, and they were willing to invest in a professional-level instrument for me. In contrast, I rarely had new clothes and my mom sewed all of my prom dresses.

They also taught me about plastic at a really early age. They gave me a Visa Buxx (which is a prepaid debit card) in middle school, and they slowly had me switch from cash to the Visa Buxx when I was spending birthday or Christmas or babysitting money. They wanted me to learn to use plastic wisely while they could still control it. I believe this is why I have never had credit card debt or overspent on cards.

They also opened a Roth IRA for me in middle school. They matched the income I earned from middle school through high school. I had no idea. My high school graduation gift from them was a Roth IRA with $8,000 in it, and a copy of "Smart Women Finish Rich" by David Bach.

Finally, they refinanced my law school loans for me and several of the loans for my H. They gave us a 4% fixed rate, which is lower than I could get with a bank, and it's a higher return for them than bonds. Winning both directions there.

So I had great financial role models, but I was also pretty aware of how frugally we lived, and that made a big impact on me. Like a PP said, I have champagne tastes but have always felt like I was on a beer budget, even when I started working. I have always placed retirement first, and I have planned things around taxes and retirement contributions the last few years. I mean, I intentionally scheduled our wedding for right before Tax Day so that I could fund H's Roth IRA for the previous year after we got married (but before the contribution period ended), even though he was still in law school. I had a 9-day window to do it. True story.

It has taken more than 3 years, but I'm finally getting used to the notion that we make good money for our ages. My parents - for all of their frugal ways - still think we spend way too little on ourselves, and they encourage us to enjoy our income a little while we are DINKs. My dad says his only financial regret is spending too little while I was young. I'm finally coming around to it.

hoffse · November 2015

I've also shared this before, but it's kind of a funny story. I used to receive an allowance, and my dad told me I could get a "raise" each year. However, I had to ask him for it. When I was little I just had to ask. As I got older I started having to justify my raise. My justifications got more and more elaborate each year. By the time I was a senior in high school, I had to present a proposal to him, complete with research about prevailing wages and citations in APA format - for a $1/week raise. For that final raise request, he actually sent it back to me and told me to try again. He granted it on my second try. Not even joking.

It was great practice for the real world though. I didn't really appreciate it until I was working and wanted my firm to fund my LLM degree. The first time I submitted a proposal for my LLM to be funded, I was turned down by my firm's executive committee. So I appealed it, added more justification, and they eventually granted my funding. Instead of $1/week, this was worth $30,000 tax-free.

I talked to him about it after this happened, and he said that he used to make me ask for my raises because research shows women don't advocate for themselves in the workplace as often or as hard as men. He and my mom had a feeling I would have a professional career, and he said that he didn't want me to be outpaced by the men just because I wasn't willing to speak up for myself. I absolutely hated asking for a raise when I was a kid, but I am so glad he made me learn how to do it when the stakes weren't high.

PurpleBookmark · November 2015

hoffse said:

I've also shared this before, but it's kind of a funny story. I used to receive an allowance, and my dad told me I could get a "raise" each year. However, I had to ask him for it. When I was little I just had to ask. As I got older I started having to justify my raise. My justifications got more and more elaborate each year. By the time I was a senior in high school, I had to present a proposal to him, complete with research about prevailing wages and citations in APA format - for a $1/week raise. For that final raise request, he actually sent it back to me and told me to try again. He granted it on my second try. Not even joking.

It was great practice for the real world though. I didn't really appreciate it until I was working and wanted my firm to fund my LLM degree. The first time I submitted a proposal for my LLM to be funded, I was turned down by my firm's executive committee. So I appealed it, added more justification, and they eventually granted my funding. Instead of $1/week, this was worth $30,000 tax-free.

I talked to him about it after this happened, and he said that he used to make me ask for my raises because research shows women don't advocate for themselves in the workplace as often or as hard as men. He and my mom had a feeling I would have a professional career, and he said that he didn't want me to be outpaced by the men just because I wasn't willing to speak up for myself. I absolutely hated asking for a raise when I was a kid, but I am so glad he made me learn how to do it when the stakes weren't high.

That is pretty amazing, what a great skill to teach your kid! I love that idea, you have some very smart parents.

PurpleBookmark · November 2015

brij2006 said:

Oh man, can I call mine a Flame Free Confession?

Just 3 years ago my H and I were both total spenders. I would save some, but always got it to about $1,000 and then "something came up" so it would have to be spent. You know, some item I didn't really NEED was on sale, so I bought it.
We both would charge to our CC's for the points. But we felt like we didn't have any problems with money because "we made good money for the area." We live in a LCOL small town, and at that time we were grossing about $70k. But at the end of the month we would be playing catch up on our CC's. So we would pay them off in full every month, but we would need to charge things to them in order to buy groceries because we had cleared out our checking in order to pay them off. "But we never carried a balance," was what we always said to justify it.

Then 2 years ago happened. We had undergone a fertility treatment to get pregnant. We had $10,000 in savings before going through it. $5,000 of that was a wedding gift from my parents and I insisted that we not touch it. After that fertility treatment (which wasn't covered by insurance), we lost that baby. My health insurance was crap at the time and tried to decline any of the medical expenses to take care of the baby (they tried to fight it saying it was an abortion). So we depleted our savings between all of the testing, treatment, and miscarriage. The doctor prescribed me the medication for us to go through the next round of treatment to try again. But we had nothing left. We had $400 left in our savings and it was going to cost at least $2k to do the monitoring we needed for the next treatment.
So we were crunching numbers and realized it was going to take us 8 months to save up the $2k. We made too much money to live that broke and let the future of our family be ruled by finances.
So we made some changes. We listened to Dave Ramseys' Financial Peace University, put the fertility treatments onto the backburner, and got intense about paying off our debt.

We now view money entirely different. We will never ever ever go back into debt. Ever. It will take something very drastic in order for that to happen, and even then I don't think we could do it. We now have a fully funded emergency fund, and say no to a lot of things. We used to be the Jones'. I will admit that. I had a brand new car on a $30k/year salary, we had "good debt" which was $75k in student loans and car payments, but no CC debt so we thought we were good. We also used 0% financing to our advantage because we felt like it was using their money for free. We view that so entirely different now. None of that will fly in our house. Whenever we hear someone say, "you work hard, you deserve to treat yourself," we cringe because we've been those people.

If someone would have told me 3 years ago this was the way we would be living, I would have laughed. I was even part of this board then and my advice to people was so much different than it is now.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm so sorry that your insurance company was so awful

hoffse · November 2015

PurpleBookmark said:

hoffse said:

I've also shared this before, but it's kind of a funny story. I used to receive an allowance, and my dad told me I could get a "raise" each year. However, I had to ask him for it. When I was little I just had to ask. As I got older I started having to justify my raise. My justifications got more and more elaborate each year. By the time I was a senior in high school, I had to present a proposal to him, complete with research about prevailing wages and citations in APA format - for a $1/week raise. For that final raise request, he actually sent it back to me and told me to try again. He granted it on my second try. Not even joking.

It was great practice for the real world though. I didn't really appreciate it until I was working and wanted my firm to fund my LLM degree. The first time I submitted a proposal for my LLM to be funded, I was turned down by my firm's executive committee. So I appealed it, added more justification, and they eventually granted my funding. Instead of $1/week, this was worth $30,000 tax-free.

I talked to him about it after this happened, and he said that he used to make me ask for my raises because research shows women don't advocate for themselves in the workplace as often or as hard as men. He and my mom had a feeling I would have a professional career, and he said that he didn't want me to be outpaced by the men just because I wasn't willing to speak up for myself. I absolutely hated asking for a raise when I was a kid, but I am so glad he made me learn how to do it when the stakes weren't high.

That is pretty amazing, what a great skill to teach your kid! I love that idea, you have some very smart parents.

LOL, yes they are both pretty smart. My dad is a developmental psychologist, so he was pretty aware of gender stereotyping/biases that happen through childhood and into adulthood. He tried to prepare me to handle a career in a male-dominated field in case that was what I chose to do. Here I am, training to become a tax lawyer. Every person I work for or with is a man. One partner I work for just turned 70, and I'm the first female tax lawyer he's ever trained.

I do tell my dad that for all of his psychological prowess, he should have been a hedge fund manager instead. His investments have beat the market every single year since he started investing nearly 40 years ago. He has this knack for picking totally random investments and having them do really well right after he buys them. He says it's luck. I tell him it's a sign he picked the wrong field, lol.

dragonstarjk · November 2015

Xstatic3333 said:

julieanne912 said:

I also forgot to add that my parents never talked to us about money...how much they made, how much things cost, etc. Whenever asked, we were pretty much told it wasn't our business. So I think that had a hugely negative affect on how I viewed money once I was out on my own.

This was my parents, too. I plan to do things differently with my own kids, discussing budgeting and bills at an age-appropriate level so that it becomes a habit to them.

This was me too. In fact, anything we heard about money as kids was pretty terrible--like, we could afford things if we wouldn't have had 3 kids. How's that for messing up a child's brain......I think being raised this way has a HUGE impact on my drive and determination to not go down the same road, ever.

simplyelise · November 2015

My parents are so weird on finances. They both grew up very very poor and worked their way through college and my dad through a master's degree in engineering which was paid for by what is now Boeing. My mom only ever worked sporadically and part time throughout my childhood (and my 2 siblings' who are both older), either for our church or substitute teaching a couple days a week. My dad quit his job and started his own company when I was about 7 and for many years things were very tight. By high school, he had taken a chief engineering position with a company while still doing his business stuff.

Then he sold the business for a decent amount, but not enough to retire on. And when I was 20, he quit his job. And he hasn't had any full time employment since, just occasional contract jobs. And my mom doesn't work. They paid for about 50% of my college with the rest covered by scholarship. They also purchased a house in my college town in cash and my sister and I lived there with a roommate for 1 year, I lived there another 2 years with roommates and I've had it filled with renters since. They're trying to sell it right now. I have no idea how they have not brought in any regular income in the last 8 years. They're not that old (both 57), and they definitely did not have enough to retire on at 49. idk it's a total mystery.

What I do know is that my dad was not happy with the work-obsessed person he had become. Growing up, he worked 80-100 hours a week. He still went to all of our sporting events, but he was never in a good mood. He would only sleep 3-4 hours a night and could hardly engage in activities because he always had a notepad working on something.

But more generally, they were always very frugal and refused to buy things to satisfy our urges to keep up with the kids at school. I have always been a saver, even saving my allowance up for months at a time without any big purchase goal in sight.

I think my attitude towards money has shifted a lot in the last 4 1/2 years since leaving college. I had a job teaching math right after graduation for 36k, but I had to back out the summer before because of some serious health needs. Once my health was better, I took a job making $10/hr doing web design while living with my parents and continuing to pay rent in the city I was supposed to be teaching in. I have slowly moved my way back up, first with a job paying 19k gross for a church, then 25k for the state government, and now up to 40k for a joint action agency. A lot of that time before my current job, I was struggling to cover health insurance and emergencies. So saving was difficult, but I never resorted to putting extra on the CC.

I got my current job about a month after DH and I started dating and I definitely increased my savings dramatically, but without any clear goals in mind, a ton of money slipped through the cracks into the blackholes of target and panera. Once we got engaged, the goal became clear: eliminating the 54k DH had in student loan debt. The day we got back from the honeymoon, I think about $7000 of my savings went towards his student loans.

I don't think my current relationship with money is quite where it needs to be. I think I still have a lot of fear. I also get very overwhelmed thinking about our next steps after we pay off student loans. How are we going to bulk up our emergency fund, save for a new car, start paying $900+/month towards IRAs, and somehow save for a down payment? ...while also TTC and if/when a baby arrives, start paying for childcare. Totally freaks me out.

abrewer5 · November 2015

simplyelise said:

My parents are so weird on finances. They both grew up very very poor and worked their way through college and my dad through a master's degree in engineering which was paid for by what is now Boeing. My mom only ever worked sporadically and part time throughout my childhood (and my 2 siblings' who are both older), either for our church or substitute teaching a couple days a week. My dad quit his job and started his own company when I was about 7 and for many years things were very tight. By high school, he had taken a chief engineering position with a company while still doing his business stuff.

Then he sold the business for a decent amount, but not enough to retire on. And when I was 20, he quit his job. And he hasn't had any full time employment since, just occasional contract jobs. And my mom doesn't work. They paid for about 50% of my college with the rest covered by scholarship. They also purchased a house in my college town in cash and my sister and I lived there with a roommate for 1 year, I lived there another 2 years with roommates and I've had it filled with renters since. They're trying to sell it right now. I have no idea how they have not brought in any regular income in the last 8 years. They're not that old (both 57), and they definitely did not have enough to retire on at 49. idk it's a total mystery.

What I do know is that my dad was not happy with the work-obsessed person he had become. Growing up, he worked 80-100 hours a week. He still went to all of our sporting events, but he was never in a good mood. He would only sleep 3-4 hours a night and could hardly engage in activities because he always had a notepad working on something.

But more generally, they were always very frugal and refused to buy things to satisfy our urges to keep up with the kids at school. I have always been a saver, even saving my allowance up for months at a time without any big purchase goal in sight.

I think my attitude towards money has shifted a lot in the last 4 1/2 years since leaving college. I had a job teaching math right after graduation for 36k, but I had to back out the summer before because of some serious health needs. Once my health was better, I took a job making $10/hr doing web design while living with my parents and continuing to pay rent in the city I was supposed to be teaching in. I have slowly moved my way back up, first with a job paying 19k gross for a church, then 25k for the state government, and now up to 40k for a joint action agency. A lot of that time before my current job, I was struggling to cover health insurance and emergencies. So saving was difficult, but I never resorted to putting extra on the CC.

I got my current job about a month after DH and I started dating and I definitely increased my savings dramatically, but without any clear goals in mind, a ton of money slipped through the cracks into the blackholes of target and panera. Once we got engaged, the goal became clear: eliminating the 54k DH had in student loan debt. The day we got back from the honeymoon, I think about $7000 of my savings went towards his student loans.

I don't think my current relationship with money is quite where it needs to be. I think I still have a lot of fear. I also get very overwhelmed thinking about our next steps after we pay off student loans. How are we going to bulk up our emergency fund, save for a new car, start paying $900+/month towards IRAs, and somehow save for a down payment? ...while also TTC and if/when a baby arrives, start paying for childcare. Totally freaks me out.

This whole paragraph is exactly how I feel when it comes to money. My financial future terrifies me. I feel like even thou H and I make good money we still won't be able to accomplish our goals which makes me feel defeated and anxious. We currently live in a townhouse and we're trying to build our e-fund, pay off my student loan and his truck, PLUS save for a down payment on a single family house. I just feel like it will never happen.

jessica490 · November 2015

I don't think my current relationship with money is quite where it needs to be. I think I still have a lot of fear. I also get very overwhelmed thinking about our next steps after we pay off student loans. How are we going to bulk up our emergency fund, save for a new car, start paying $900+/month towards IRAs, and somehow save for a down payment? ...while also TTC and if/when a baby arrives, start paying for childcare. Totally freaks me out.

This whole paragraph is exactly how I feel when it comes to money. My financial future terrifies me. I feel like even thou H and I make good money we still won't be able to accomplish our goals which makes me feel defeated and anxious. We currently live in a townhouse and we're trying to build our e-fund, pay off my student loan and his truck, PLUS save for a down payment on a single family house. I just feel like it will never happen.

Ditto! It's an overwhelming sometimes to think about how many things you want to buy/save for when you only have "X" amount to save after paying all the bills...it can feel defeating, like it will be a never-ending cycle throughout life...

Mustard76 · November 2015

I'm comfortable with my relationship with money. My parents never spoke about money, but I know we didn't have a lot of it. My parents made a lot of sacrifices so we could have everything we needed and a lot of what we wanted. My mom stayed at home until I was in 5th grade and on one income, my brother and I both went to Catholic school K-8, we went on vacation every year (albeit we went camping every. single. year. haha) and we were always a 2 car family. That meant, though, that I was on my own for college expenses. I learned so much in paying my own way. Most of it, I learned the hard way. My senior year, I almost failed my senior project class because I was working 55-60 hours a week between two jobs in order to afford my tuition. I still graduated college with close to $10k in credit card debt. I had to use my credit card to pay for books, my meal plan, and some semesters even part of my tuition. I'll tell you what, though, I don't regret one bit of it. I learned about balance, and I learned about working hard for what I want. Was going to a private school worth two extra years of paying off my credit cards? Maybe not, since a degree isn't required in my field. But the life lessons were priceless.

Now, H and I are pretty well balanced. We save for retirement, save for a rainy day, and save for emergencies. But we don't do so at the expense of living life. We spend a lot of money on our house, because I want to like where I live. We don't travel often, mostly because of work schedules. So I'd rather love my space than live with stuff I don't like just to save some cash. I don't drive a new car, we don't buy expensive clothes. But we splurge on things to improve our living space.

vlagrl29 · November 2015

I think mine was never really bad but its gotten better. My parents taught me the value of saving money. They had me open my checking account with my first job and a savings account with it. I had to pay my own car insurance as soon as I got my license. I also had to pay my own college tuition and health insurance and car repairs on my parents old car that became mine. I do wish I hadn't had to pay for all that stuff because there were some major repairs on my first car and I had to end up charging it on my first credit card. I remember waking up in the mornings and just thinking about that debt with as little as I made and I would cry about it. So I think debt has always stressed me out which is why I'm super careful about it now. When I had to start paying my own insurance at 23 my parents wanted me to buy the cobra off of my dads insurance but it was $325 a month and I refused so my mom picked up that tab, but eventually I found an insurance agent that found me a great policy for $160 a month.

So needless to say I think I may even be more of a penny pincher now than my mom. I feel so much better that we have a savings and contribute to retirement even though my mom says with my inheritance I shouldn't have to contribute anymore. I love the fact that DH and I both have the same views regarding money - it makes things so much easier - I actually think I may be more of a saver than he is and that says a lot.

bmo88 · November 2015

Mustard76 said: Now, H and I are pretty well balanced. We save for retirement, save for a rainy day, and save for emergencies. But we don't do so at the expense of living life. We spend a lot of money on our house, because I want to like where I live. We don't travel often, mostly because of work schedules. So I'd rather love my space than live with stuff I don't like just to save some cash. I don't drive a new car, we don't buy expensive clothes. But we splurge on things to improve our living space.

I agree with this! Finding a balance is key and you should still enjoy life. What's the point of saving every penny if you are never going to do anything with it? I also agree about the house. We haven't spent a ton of money on our home, but bought in a nicer neighborhood and purchased furnished we liked. We spend so much time in our home that we want to love being in it.

vlagrl29 · November 2015

jessica490 said:

I don't think my current relationship with money is quite where it needs to be. I think I still have a lot of fear. I also get very overwhelmed thinking about our next steps after we pay off student loans. How are we going to bulk up our emergency fund, save for a new car, start paying $900+/month towards IRAs, and somehow save for a down payment? ...while also TTC and if/when a baby arrives, start paying for childcare. Totally freaks me out.

This whole paragraph is exactly how I feel when it comes to money. My financial future terrifies me. I feel like even thou H and I make good money we still won't be able to accomplish our goals which makes me feel defeated and anxious. We currently live in a townhouse and we're trying to build our e-fund, pay off my student loan and his truck, PLUS save for a down payment on a single family house. I just feel like it will never happen.

Ditto! It's an overwhelming sometimes to think about how many things you want to buy/save for when you only have "X" amount to save after paying all the bills...it can feel defeating, like it will be a never-ending cycle throughout life…

I use to feel like that but you just have to prioritize - for me I'm not debt adverse so I'm ok with not have 100% saved for a newer used car come time for it. I still can't imagine having the money to put $900 a month away for retirement. I'm just glad we can contribute what little it is. For me its most important to have an emergency fund and retirement - everything else comes after. One day when we start making more money we will be able to bulk up retirement even more and cash flow more things, but one thing I know for sure there is no way we can afford childcare which is why I SAH with DD and own my business part time.

BlueBirdMB · November 2015

I think I've always had a pretty good handle on money and saving vs. spending. My mother is an accountant and always talked about money and finances with me, even just with small things when I was young. I started earning money doing mother's helper and babysitting jobs at 11 years old and got my first job with a paycheck when I was 14 years old. I opened a checking and savings account at 12 years old. As a teenager and in my early 20's I was actually super stingy with my money, saving every penny I possibly could. I did several investments during those years that paid off fairly well considering the small amounts I was working with, and I created a nice egg that we eventually used as a downpayment for our house in my mid 20's

My husband and I have always seen eye to eye when it comes to how to manage our money. I'm definetely a little looser with the purse strings at this point in our lives. We've managed to keep our expenses level while our income has increased quite a bit, so we have more breathing room at this point.

I've been very fortunate financially in my life so far. My husband, however, moved here from India when he was 9 years old. His father worked three jobs and his mother two while the four of them lived in a one bedroom apartment for several years. His parents are the true immigrant story. They created careers for themselves and now live in a nice house. I know they are most proud of the fact that they created better lives for their children, which they truly did. They taught him how to work hard and save his pennies.

short+sassy · November 2015

julieanne912 said:

Mine is improving, although still not great.

I grew up in a poor/middle class family, I say that because when I was young, my mom didn't work, despite her earning potential being much higher than my dad's. My dad was self employed as a gardener. My mom told me that in their lowest year, they made $12,000. Their mortgage was $600/mo... so you do the math. I didn't know til later, but they received help from our church's food bank, and they had to ask my mom's parents for money. As a kid, of course, I didn't notice any of that and had a pretty happy childhood. Once my mom went back to work after I was in school, things got better, but we were never well off by any means.

But, I've always had this intense desire to have the best of everything. I always liked nice clothes, nice cars etc. This got extremely bad when I lived in Chicago and was making 6 figures a year. I was the type that would just spend whatever I felt like, and saved very little. And, I had the income to do it and not going into consumer debt (always had a car loan and student loans... should have used all that income to pay those student loans down). But then the end of 2008 hit. I went from making 6 figures one year, to $28,000 the next. I had to put my income taxes on a credit card. I used credit cards to live on basically.

I carried that debt for the next 4 years, never able to making a dent in it really, because I never regained a great income. I filed BK last year because I just couldn't figure out a way I could ever pay it off without making a lot more money. I would throw all my extra money onto paying the card, but then an unplanned expense would come up and I'd have to put it back on the card. It was a vicious cycle. I feel quite relieved now, even though I now have that awful black mark on my once perfect credit.

Even now my income isn't great, but at least have an H with good income, so I don't have to worry as much about living expenses and can focus on trying to rebuild my savings and am finally able to contribute a little to retirement. I still have a very strong desire to "keep up with the Jones'" especially because we live in a neighborhood full of people who are a bit older than us, and have better incomes than us. It's more psychological than anything... maybe stems from being teased in elementary school because I didn't have the nicest of everything. Who knows. But I at least know how to reel it in now, and have a lot more self control.

My H has Crohn's disease, and he honestly thinks he won't live to retirement. So he has the mentality of "Might as well spend it now". He's gotten better, since we've met he does contribute to his retirement through work, and he maintains a decent savings now. But his spending is still a problem. But, we're working on it. My next task for him is to get him life insurance. He gets $20,000 through my work, but I know that won't cover much. I'd like him to have enough to cover our mortgage so at least I wouldn't be homeless. I've been researching life insurance policies that don't require a health screening, which seem to be easier to get at our ages.

I was fortunate to be given pretty good financial lessons from my parents. They opened a savings account for me when I was 2. They never forced me to put X-mas/Bday money in it, but they strongly suggested it. So I usually put in half. As I got a little older...like 8-9...and had a basic understanding of what interest is, I was absolutely fascinated by the concept that I could just let my money sit there and do nothing...and I would earn more money! What could be better than that, lol?

As I got older and into HS, I got p/t jobs and started putting the majority of my paychecks in my savings account to help pay for college. Even then, I was money-minded. I wanted nothing more than to go out-of-state for college...Tulane was my first choice...but I knew the financially wise choice was to go to jr. college first than to a state school. So that is what I did. And graduated with zero student loans.

Then I moved to NOLA a year later. I may never have gone to Tulane, but I ended up in NOLA anyway, lol. So, hah! And really, moving here was again a good financial move because the COL here is substantially less than my home area of So. CA.

Then I went a bit off the rails. Not too crazy, but I looked at it like, "I'm young, I'm working, I'm single...as long as I can pay my bills, why do I need to save much?" So I didn't. I wish I could go back in time, kick my younger self's azz, and tell her to save her pennies for the down payment on a duplex.

Then I got more settled in life and wanted to buy a house. So I buckled down and became a saver again. Bought a duplex. Loved the rental income. And have stayed on the saver path every since to scoop up more and retire early.

@julianne912, I've mentioned this on many other posts so, sorry to be repetitive guys! But I know exactly where your H is coming from. Although I admittedly don't know much about Crohn's disease, I also have a serious medical condition. I have Type I Diabetes (insulin dependent). It will in all likelihood shorten my life and/or possibly cause some pretty awful complications later in life. So, while I do want to put money aside for the future, I don't want that money in vehicles I have to wait until I'm 65 to access. To an extent, I live for the now...but also have plans in motion to retire in my early 50s. So that I'll have some adult years where I can kick back a bit, work for myself, and not have to worry about going to a "day job".

And here's my experience shopping for life insurance. Big, bold advertising letters "No Medical Exam Required!" Smaller letters, "Just answer a few medical questions." Questions, "Do you have heart disease, cancer, diabetes, or HIV?" (Rolling eyes) Screw you life insurance companies! Lol.

julieanne912 · November 2015

short+sassy said:

julieanne912 said:

Mine is improving, although still not great.

I grew up in a poor/middle class family, I say that because when I was young, my mom didn't work, despite her earning potential being much higher than my dad's. My dad was self employed as a gardener. My mom told me that in their lowest year, they made $12,000. Their mortgage was $600/mo... so you do the math. I didn't know til later, but they received help from our church's food bank, and they had to ask my mom's parents for money. As a kid, of course, I didn't notice any of that and had a pretty happy childhood. Once my mom went back to work after I was in school, things got better, but we were never well off by any means.

But, I've always had this intense desire to have the best of everything. I always liked nice clothes, nice cars etc. This got extremely bad when I lived in Chicago and was making 6 figures a year. I was the type that would just spend whatever I felt like, and saved very little. And, I had the income to do it and not going into consumer debt (always had a car loan and student loans... should have used all that income to pay those student loans down). But then the end of 2008 hit. I went from making 6 figures one year, to $28,000 the next. I had to put my income taxes on a credit card. I used credit cards to live on basically.

I carried that debt for the next 4 years, never able to making a dent in it really, because I never regained a great income. I filed BK last year because I just couldn't figure out a way I could ever pay it off without making a lot more money. I would throw all my extra money onto paying the card, but then an unplanned expense would come up and I'd have to put it back on the card. It was a vicious cycle. I feel quite relieved now, even though I now have that awful black mark on my once perfect credit.

Even now my income isn't great, but at least have an H with good income, so I don't have to worry as much about living expenses and can focus on trying to rebuild my savings and am finally able to contribute a little to retirement. I still have a very strong desire to "keep up with the Jones'" especially because we live in a neighborhood full of people who are a bit older than us, and have better incomes than us. It's more psychological than anything... maybe stems from being teased in elementary school because I didn't have the nicest of everything. Who knows. But I at least know how to reel it in now, and have a lot more self control.

My H has Crohn's disease, and he honestly thinks he won't live to retirement. So he has the mentality of "Might as well spend it now". He's gotten better, since we've met he does contribute to his retirement through work, and he maintains a decent savings now. But his spending is still a problem. But, we're working on it. My next task for him is to get him life insurance. He gets $20,000 through my work, but I know that won't cover much. I'd like him to have enough to cover our mortgage so at least I wouldn't be homeless. I've been researching life insurance policies that don't require a health screening, which seem to be easier to get at our ages.

I was fortunate to be given pretty good financial lessons from my parents. They opened a savings account for me when I was 2. They never forced me to put X-mas/Bday money in it, but they strongly suggested it. So I usually put in half. As I got a little older...like 8-9...and had a basic understanding of what interest is, I was absolutely fascinated by the concept that I could just let my money sit there and do nothing...and I would earn more money! What could be better than that, lol?
As I got older and into HS, I got p/t jobs and started putting the majority of my paychecks in my savings account to help pay for college. Even then, I was money-minded. I wanted nothing more than to go out-of-state for college...Tulane was my first choice...but I knew the financially wise choice was to go to jr. college first than to a state school. So that is what I did. And graduated with zero student loans.
Then I moved to NOLA a year later. I may never have gone to Tulane, but I ended up in NOLA anyway, lol. So, hah! And really, moving here was again a good financial move because the COL here is substantially less than my home area of So. CA.
Then I went a bit off the rails. Not too crazy, but I looked at it like, "I'm young, I'm working, I'm single...as long as I can pay my bills, why do I need to save much?" So I didn't. I wish I could go back in time, kick my younger self's azz, and tell her to save her pennies for the down payment on a duplex.
Then I got more settled in life and wanted to buy a house. So I buckled down and became a saver again. Bought a duplex. Loved the rental income. And have stayed on the saver path every since to scoop up more and retire early.
@julianne912, I've mentioned this on many other posts so, sorry to be repetitive guys! But I know exactly where your H is coming from. Although I admittedly don't know much about Crohn's disease, I also have a serious medical condition. I have Type I Diabetes (insulin dependent). It will in all likelihood shorten my life and/or possibly cause some pretty awful complications later in life. So, while I do want to put money aside for the future, I don't want that money in vehicles I have to wait until I'm 65 to access. To an extent, I live for the now...but also have plans in motion to retire in my early 50s. So that I'll have some adult years where I can kick back a bit, work for myself, and not have to worry about going to a "day job".
And here's my experience shopping for life insurance. Big, bold advertising letters "No Medical Exam Required!" Smaller letters, "Just answer a few medical questions." Questions, "Do you have heart disease, cancer, diabetes, or HIV?" (Rolling eyes) Screw you life insurance companies! Lol.

What's silly about H's views on life insurance is, is that his dad managed to get a policy, and his dad is grossly obese and 60 years old. I'm sure it's not cheap, but if his dad can get one, so can he, even if it costs a bit more than mine might. I've got 100k in coverage through my work for a few dollars, which is enough to pay off all my student loan and car debt, funeral costs, and some extra left over. So even if his is $50/month to get 500k in coverage, it's still worth it.

bmo88 · November 2015

julieanne912 A note on life insurance while people are talking about: Please be sure to purchase policies outside of your places of work.

Even if they offer to buy it separate (i.e., in addition to the standard death benefit of $10,000-$15,000). The problem is, when you leave, sometimes you can't take the policies with you. So at least double check that the additional purchased policy can at least go with you to a different place of employment.

A friend recently purchased through work a year ago. She was diagnosed with cancer this past May. If she leaves her current employer ever, the policy will not follow her and it will be almost impossible to get a new policy with her diagnosis. It is really sad and unfortunate.

We each purchased a policy through Banner Life. We are young (27 and 29) and healthy. For a $500,000 policy, I pay $23 a month and my DH pays $28 a month (he is male and older, so more money).

Edited for spelling errors.

julieanne912 · November 2015

bmo88 said:

julieanne912A note on life insurance while people talk about: Please be sure to purchase policies outside of your places of work.

Even if they offer to buy it separate (i.e., in addition to the standard death benefit of $10,000-$15,000). The problem is, when you leave, sometimes you can't take the policies with you. So at least double check that the additional purchased policy can at least go with you to a different place of employment.

A friend recently purchased through work a year ago. She was diagnosed with cancer this pay May. If she leaves her current employer ever, the policy will not follow her and it will be almost impossible to get a new policy with her diagnosis.

We each purchased a policy through Banner Life. We are young (27 and 29) and healthy. For a $500,000 policy, I pay $23 a month and my DH pays $28 a month (he is male and older, so more money).

Oh yes, I understand that. As we get settled into married life (2 months on Thursday!) we're going to be looking more into the life insurance, and we also need to get our other "end of life" stuff planned out as well.

What's your relationship with money? How has it changed over the years?

Re: What's your relationship with money? How has it changed over the years?

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