What would you do? Gift from MIL

bmo88 · January 2016

Long story short, MIL is not good with money. Like she has filed bankruptcy twice, has loads of debt, her phone keeps getting turned off, she was near foreclosure on her home last year and has terrible credit. She is incredibly sweet and well intentioned, but she is so bad with money. Normally, we stay out of it. DH has lent her money in the past and with time she pays it back. But going forward, we have agreed to not do that anymore.

Well, today she came over for dinner. She decided to give us our Christmas presents and DH's birthday gift (his birthday was in September). She gave us $500 cash!
We were very gracious in our response and thanked her. While a very generous amount of money, she doesn't have the money. DH is so mad right now because he knows she cannot afford this. With her job (she does cleaning), it would take her a week to earn it.

He really wants to give the money back to her, but isn't sure how. I agree, we shouldn't take the money, but I am not really sure what to do.

Any thoughts?

hoffse · January 2016

I think I would just offer to return it. If she gets offended by it, then find a way to pay it back to her slowly. This is a little sneaky, but do you guys have any way to prepay some necessities for her? Like her power bill or something?

JoanE2012 · January 2016

I think you run the risk of hurt feelings and offending her - especially as she is the parent. I'd keep it and set it aside in case you see her need something in the future.

kmurphy2131 · January 2016

I was thinking hold onto it, but set it aside as the money you can use to help bail her out if she needs it. Or maybe use it towards larger than typical gifts for her bday/mothers day etc (or even add larger grocery gift cards or something with your normal gift)

als1982 · January 2016

JoanE2012 said:
I think you run the risk of hurt feelings and offending her - especially as she is the parent. I'd keep it and set it aside in case you see her need something in the future.

Agree. I would keep the money. I think giving it back would cause more harm than good, and it's not worth causing a rift in your relationship.

Also, you said you've stayed out of her financial affairs. Maybe instead of giving this money back, in the near future, maybe your husband could strategize some tactful ways to approach the issue of money with his mother.

But declining this money isn't going to "teach" her anything, it's just going to make her upset and/or angry.

jessica490 · January 2016

I would also keep it, but put it aside....

dragonstarjk · January 2016

My mom is very similar to what you have described, so I can relate. I think if my mom was to offer me that kind of a gift, I'd just put it aside in savings and find a way to pay it back in the form of gifts for Mother's Day and her birthday. My mom's feeling would be really hurt if I tried to give it back. If my mom offered that much as a gift, I know she'd be doing it because she'd feel like she could afford it (even if she couldn't) and she'd be so proud that she was finally able to give her kids what she thought they deserved, since she never could before. Not that I feel like she owes us anything, but SHE would feel that way. If it's possible your H's mom might feel the same way, I'd avoid bringing it up at all.

ETA: And when I say gifts for her, I don't mean expensive, useless presents. Several times for Mother's Day, I have taken my mom shopping in the next big town over for groceries at Costco, new clothes, etc. She likes it because it feels like a splurge instead of me just buying her necessities. So I'd probably still do something like that but spend more than usual.

Erikan73 · January 2016

I'm with others, keep it and use to help her out, maybe use to get her some groceries and/or toiletries & laundry soap. This way you are helping her out but sticking to your guns and not giving her any of your own money.

The other thing you may want to do is check around to see if any of the libraries or community college have any classes on financing/budgeting available. And maybe even offer to go with her so that way if she has any questions after the class, you'll know what they talked about. But having a third party trying to help her learn about finances would be better because there would be less stress then on your part trying to teach her.

brij2006 · January 2016

I would just put it aside in a safe or something, then next time she asks to borrow money, tell her it's a gift and she doesn't need to pay it back. Then hand her money from that stash. Once it's gone, her assistance is done.

bmo88 · January 2016

Thanks for all the responses everyone! After sleeping on it and thinking about it more, we will just keep the money on the side and use it to buy her things she needs (pay her phone bill, groceries, etc) when they arise until the money runs out.

You are right, she would be deeply offended if we pushed to give it back. It's just so frustrating to know she cannot afford it and just feels wrong accepting it. But at least with this approach we can still help when needed and not really touch our money. It's not so much that we don't want to help, but over the years, it has just become such a frustration to keep lending money or paying for the same things over and over again.

Erikan73 · January 2016

If she isn't already doing it, can any of your mom's utilities be set up on a budget plan so they are the same month to month?

bmo88 · January 2016

Erikan73 said:

If she isn't already doing it, can any of your mom's utilities be set up on a budget plan so they are the same month to month?

I am not sure how her utilities are set up. She has had them cut off before for not paying the bill after months though.

What would you do? Gift from MIL

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