June 2009 Weddings
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Second wedding gifts
I am aware of passive aggression as a behavior. The problem with passive aggression is that it depends on the object of your behavior to be smart enough to figure out what you meant. I'm just not sure these people are. Even if they knew asking for money was wrong, they went ahead and did it. Which tells me either they think the poem made it ok, or they have no shame. In the case of the former, they are clearly morons, on whom your passive behavior will be lost. In the case of the latter, they are clearly asshats, in which case they will not feel shamed and will probably laugh at your passive behavior.
In general I am nonconfrontational, so I see where passive aggressive behavior has its benefits. I just feel like, for the most part, it misses its mark and goes to waste. Actually, I think the Emily Post idea is still P.A. The active response would be to call the losers up and inform them that they're idiots... and possibly that I would not be going to the wedding because of it.
In real life, as I said originally, I'd probably suck it up and send a nice card and $25-50 (they said send money, they didn't say how much..). Because I'm poor and not close to my cousins, they would probably not think anything of it.
The only thing close to this that I've actually experienced was two years ago when a college friend invited me to her wedding without my boyfriend (now DH), with whom I'd been living for 5 years. I could have replied +1, but I saved the money and declined. Then I smugly sent her a gift anyway. I invited her and her husband to our wedding (largely because the rest of that group of friends would have noticed if she wasn't invited), but I was not surprised when she neither came, nor sent a gift. She's an idiot, but I still like the other friends in that group, and they've known her longer and live closer to her. If they had to choose between us, I would probably lose.
A litany of cliches to explain my distaste for most forms of passive aggression: You have to pick your battles. You're only going halfway. Take the high road. Go big or go home!
SBS - I am totally with you on that dirty line
ok, now that I've read the poem... why can't they just register for the new stuff? Is there going to be an actual wishing well so you can theoretically get your money back via a wish?
This it total idiocy. I am now SURE Shag's passive aggression would go unrecognized.
I would be lying if I didn't say that in a similar situation with my own pwt cousins I went to the wedding, spent the whole evening with my parents and my brother, had a nice time and left them a card with about $25. Which, incidentally is the same amount said cousin handed me at an event for our grandparents (last week... our wedding was June 21). My cousins didn't have that poem though. That poem might be grounds for action.
SBS FTW
See, I think there's a big difference between being passive aggressive in this case, and rewarding bad behavior by doing what they want. I agree that sometimes passive agrression can get past people but most of the time, people know that what they're doing is a faux pas - and they just don't care. B's cousin knew that what she was doing was ridiculous - but she did it anyways. Why should I play into what she wanted? Which, essentially, was have people pay for her wedding via cash gifts.
Which, isn't that what they say on P&E all the time? Have the wedding YOU can afford? If cash gifts cover a portion, great - if not, have the wedding you can pay for. Not have the wedding and have your guests pay for it under the guise of it being a "monetary" gift.
see, I don't see it as rewarding anything, because it's not my job to train my cousins. It was their parents' job to do that. Just because my aunt and uncle failed to do so, does not mean I should/would/could take over the training.
I would have given them cash if they hadn't asked for it. Other people have said they would have given cash if it hadn't been asked for. Why should I alter my plan just because they were stupid? By getting all upset about it and trying to come up with spiteful ways to teach them a lesson, I would be allowing them way more control of my life than they deserve. They screwed up, not me. I shouldn't have to waste my time because they're dumb. They want money? Fine. Less time and I effort I have to expend thinking about a meaningful gift for stupid people who don't care if they come across as rude. Maybe they want the money so they can throw a bigger party than they can afford. maybe they want the money to buy cool new stuff. Maybe they want it to ransom their puppy, being held by crazy terrorists from Montreal. I don't care what they want it for. It's none of my business. What is my business is whether or not I give it to them, and if so, how much.
What I might do, if I cared that much, would be to give less than I had originally planned, since I can assume most people will follow the couple's directions and give them money. Which is technically punishment, which implies that I am training them after all, which really isn't my place. But I'm only human and a little bitterness is occasionally called for.
I think a part of it IS "teaching them" that a gift is a gift is a gift. And just because their parents didn't teach them that it's rude, doesn't mean that I should go along with it because Sally doesn't know any better or Sally just doesn't care.
The point of a registry is so that guests have a guideline to as to things that you need. A registry isn't someone standing over you saying "I NEED THIS I WANT THIS YOU SHOULD BUY THIS FOR ME". Asking for cash is tacky is because essentially it's you standing over them saying "I NEED THIS I WANT THIS YOU SHOULD GIVE IT TO ME".
A gift is a gift is a goddamn gift. It's not like when I ask my BFF what she wants for her birthday and then I get it for her. This is people taking the bull by the horns and being rude.
Call us mean, but in this situation witjh B's cousin, I know several people who said B's cousin/ her H were lame and just did it, some people who said they were lame, I'm going to give them less because of it, and several people - like myself - who said eff them, I'm giving them what I want SEEING AS HOW IT'S A GIFT.
Originally, I was planning on giving them cash. But if they want to be stupid and send me a poem ASKING for it, they can bite me.
Beyond the fact that for my wedding, I didn't ask for anything, and guess what? PEOPLE GAVE CASH BECAUSE GENERALLY THAT'S WHAT THEY DO FOR THE WEDDING. Yes, we got a few tangible gifts, but most were checks and cash. AND I DIDN'T EVEN NEED TO ASK FOR IT.
And frankly, I could give 2 shiits what they spend the money on (beside B's cousin, who obviously was using it to fund her wedding - since I know what people gave for gifts was more than what she was paying per head) when I give them money out of my own free will. But to ASK for it? Please. It's not only rude, it's presumptuous.
It's not being bitter, and it's not allowing them to have control of the situation by then giving them a tangible gift. It's showing them that they were ridiculous and they should have shut the eff up. The gift we got for B's cousin was in no way "meaningful" - we just found it at a store in Boston that was closing so there would be no way she'd be able to return it and it kind of fit our situation. Should this happen in the future - I guess depending on whether or not I can find a stupid statue that can't be returned, yeah I might give cash, or I might pick up a set of bowls when I'm at Macys shopping for other things. Either way, I know I'm much more generous when left to my own gift shopping devices than I am when asked specifically for things, and I know many other people who feel the same way.
Lucy Elizabeth 10.27.12
wow. um ok.
Personally, I would not allow these people to get me that worked up. They just aren't worth it (I'm not sure what kind of relationship I would continue to have with them anyway - I'm certainly not going to waste my time "teaching" someone I'm not likely to talk to again).
But if you ARE going to be that upset about it, I refer you to my previous post re: the general ineffectiveness of passive aggressive behavior. Notice I was totally behind you on the figurine idea. I just think you could have taken it further in order to be sure you got your message across.
I'm in no way worked up or upset over this - they got married last July, so it's obviously a moot point to be making over a year later. I'm just pointing out that it's become a joke in the family, especially when B and I got married, about asking for gifts. We have no real relationship with them (due to other situations and my H having a major distaste for their lifestyle and the worship they have for their son) and our giving them a stupid figurine was an obvious "you're a friggen moron" - they knew it, we knew it, and we didn't need to point out their ridiculousness any further. They KNEW they were in the wrong, just as I can assume the majority of people do when they feel the need to send a stupid poem asking for money. I think you're giving these people a lot more credit for just "not knowing" than you should be.
I will have to speak to them again - given that my H and the bride are first cousins and we have - and will - continuously crossed paths, but she's not someone I would make an effort to go see.
That being said, I don't regret, and I would absolutely do it again, my gift giving when asked for cash. My point is that a gift is a gift - and asking for specific things is rude and presumptuous. Had she come to me and said, "hey Sara, for my wedding, can you get me those xyz", I would have probably gotten her the xyz and nothing more. It would have been in her best interests to shut her trap, since I'm usually the person who gives not only xyz, but abc as well. I don't - and many people don't - take to being told what to purchase someone as a GIFT.
Thus bringing us to giving cash. Being TOLD to give cash is trashy and rude. Esp to 4 different events for one couple (I forgot they also had a Stag for the groom - held by his dad, who was also his Best Man...). So, I stopped in quickly in a closing store, found a random but perfect gift (which really, would have taken maybe 5 minutes more to buy than to write out a check, so not so much a waste of time) and went along my way. NBD, and my in-laws thought it was hilarious, and it was no skin off my nose.
Ok. This is getting repetitive. There is a miscommunication somewhere because I agreed with you, and you're still arguing your point.
Agreed:
1. Asking for money is BAD.(Period).
2. Giving people who ask for money something that is clearly not what they want is funny in a b!tchy kind of way.
Other Options I suggested (simply because #2 may not have the desired effect of teaching a lesson - maybe #2 would work - it clearly did in your case, I'm offering these JUST IN CASE op's idiot relatives are not as together as yours are):
1. Overlooking it and giving them what they want (thus maintaining bragging rights about being the better person).
2. Sending something SO overthetop that they cannot help but get the message that they have offended me (though this may end the relationship).
This was the first thing that caught my attention. I don't need to know in an invitation you guys have already had sex.