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Re: will discrepancy in education level lead to marital problems?
lol Thanks everyone, I figured this topic would lead to a ton of input.
My fiance is extremely intelligent and self-motivated. I wouldn't be able to have a relationship with him if he wasn't, and you guys are right, a difference like that would make things too difficult.
He makes more than all my friends who are college graduates (and slightly more than my parents, they just don't know it lol). He has great opportunities to move into a higher position soon and make even more money, so he feels that he'd be nuts to quit and go back to school when he's making more than most college graduates do. He just figures that if for some reason we move in the next year or so, going back to school will be smarter than starting over with a new company.
People nailed it on the head. I figured the real potential issue would be the affect of social events in the future, and I was wondering if people had experienced similar things. Its helpful getting perspective from other people who have experienced it.
So thanks everyone. The input is great food for thought.
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I agree...I feel it depends on the couple.
I feel you have a much bigger problem than "discrepancy's in your education levels"=your parents and the way they treat him.
Completely agree.
I have an MS in biomedical engineering and I'm working on the PhD. My H did not go to college. It has not been a problem for us at all.
I've already gotten plenty of the, "What does your husband do?.........Oh." The only effect that has is making me think that the other person is a complete douche. I have absolutely no illusions that my education makes me better or more deserving of respect than my H. He is very smart, very hardworking and very good at his job. He's funny, interesting and quite capable of carrying on an intelligent conversation on a variety of topics. If people want to dismiss him simply because of his occupation, then I really don't have any time for them.
I also know that not everyone who works a blue collar job is a knuckle-dragging simp. I spent the better part of my 20s working in factories myself and met quite a variety of people, including my H. Those people are every bit as important and deserving of consideration as a doctor or lawyer or CEO. In fact, if it weren't for them, it wouldn't be possible for me to do what I do - I would be too busy trying to grow my own food and make my own clothes.
FWIW, I'm 32 and he's 36. We've known each other for 10 years, been a couple for 8 and married for 5. I'm not naive enough to think that nothing could ever change and we'll never have an issue due to difference in education, but I have absolutely no reason to think that we will.
(Sorry if this is long, but this kind of snobbery really sticks in my craw.)
I have to go against the grain here and comment that I don't think it has to cause any problems at all.
Just some background about my opinion. I have a master's and my SO is a heavy equipment operator. What he does absolutely amazes me, to be able to lift slabs of concrete onto a 14 floor building with a crane. He had to go through countless hours of training and apprenticeship to become a Certified Crane Operator. Just because his training wasn't from a university, does that mean it was easier or less important than mine? No way. I have great respect for what he does, as does he for me. I think that is the key. If you both respect one another, and you will never degrade him by saying "you're just a _______" (whatever his career choice happens to be) then what could be the problem? As for people that you work with looking down on him, well, they couldn't do what he does either, now could they? Really, what does a lawyer/paralegal/office staff, etc. know about electricity? Odds are nothing but how to pay their bill. (And for the record the phrase "Just an electrician" is so warped....Do you have any idea what it takes to become a certified electrician, or how much money they make?) If you respect him and show that you do to your co-workers, they can think what they want, but odds are they won't open their mouths to you about it, and if they did would you agree? Or would you show the respect to your husband that he deserves?
Sorry, and I am sure I will get flamed here, but as long as you respect each other and what each one of you puts in to making your life together a successful one, it shouldn't be an issue. Just another opinion.
Or...maybe they could do it and they do know more than you think and you are doing the same thing that you are being critical of others doing (making assumptions about others skills sets or intelligence based on their current career choices).
I went to law school with people who had spent many years working as tradesmen - one of my colleagues had spent several years working in sewer repair, another had been working many years as an electrician as well as a "cable guy". I, and my FI, have also had previous work experiences that would belie our more current white collar careers.
I have a MA and DH has no college. However, he is in a good field, moving up, making good money, and very intelligent. His skills are in demand and people respect his knowledge. For us, it's not a problem at all.
My friend, however, is a doctor and always has problems. She is very intelligent but doesn't throw it in your face. If you met her she'd just be the nice person you met. But, she tends to date very blue collar guys and they always end up saying how she thinks they're dumb. She never says that to them, but it's their insecurities. Her issue is that she needs to date more self-confident men.
So, it doesn't matter as long as the man is secure in himself, his career, and his intelligence.
I've read some of the replies, and see that you've gotten some great advice, but here is my two cents. I am a lawyer and my husband is the head of technology and marketing for his family's small business. My husband has two bachelors degrees in fine arts, and is actually a painter by training. Law is a second career for me, and I did not enter school until two years after we were married, so our education disparity did not exist until recently. This has not been ANY problem whatsoever for us, and, in fact, has made our marriage better than ever. This is due to the fact that we treat my degree very much as a team effort. Sure, I took the classes and made the grades that have led to my early success, but my husband was such a huge part of making that happen, that it would be disingenuous for me to take 100% of the credit (he literally did everything for our household during my schooling, and largely still does, while continuing to work full time and provide financially for us). In fact, as a tribute to my husband's contribution to my success, I had his last name added to mine on my diploma (I kept my maiden name when we got married), and it was seriously one of the most touching moments of our marriage when I told him that. I think that is how you get past the educational disparity - you just respect each other for who they are, honor each others' accomplishments, and like another poster stated, use other people's snobbery to weed out undesireable people from your lives.
And regarding that last point, I simply refuse to associate with douches. Since law is a second career for me, I had a very good idea of the kinds of environments I wanted to work in, and a large law firm was NOT one of them, very much because of the snobbery/social aspects of that kind of practice. I chose my mid-sized firm very carefully, and based my choice on the type of people I would be working for. The way that I weeded out undesireably firms was by paying attention during my interviews to whether and how they addressed my decade of past work experience. If they breezed over it or ignored it altogether, I turned down their offers, since part of what makes me a valuable employee is the great deal I learned in my prior career. If the interviewers actually asked me about my past experience, and acted interested in it, they remained on my list of potential employers. The interviews I had with my current firm were wonderful, as every partner I interviewed with was actually excited about my past career and were thrilled that I had significant experience in dealing directly with clients. That's how I decided to take the job; they value world experience and encourage all of their attorneys to have a real life.
I would never put myself or my husband in a situation where we would be disrespected on a regular basis, and luckily, my choice in firm has supported that stance. My husband has socialized with the partners I work for and clients many times in the past three years, and frankly, they all find him MUCH more interesting than me, lol. They are genuinely fascinated by his business, and have never once treated him as "less than" them. So if you are concerned about the judgment of others, truly spend some time considering what it is you want to live with as a career before you choose a firm.
Ok I know people have put in a lot of comments, but here is mine as I am in that situation and it has caused no problems. I have a PhD and my husband is a class A driver, no education beyond HS.
I honestly feel that this has to do with the man and his security in your relationship. I have dated men who made me feel like crap because I had more education and more money than they did. My H has never made me feel like that. He feels so proud of me as his wife and knows that we have the life we have because we both bring wonderful things to our marriage.
The question that you will have to ask yourself and your FI is "Will it matter if I am the major breadwinner in this family?" "Will I feel uncomfortable that you will have an education and I will not or will I be so proud fo you and your accomplishments that I will want everyone to know?"
I agree with the PP who said it is more about blue collar versus white collar, rather than education levels.
I have a masters and my DH only has some college. I work in PR and he works in law enforcement. I am so proud of my DH for what he does for a living....it takes more guts and passion than most other careers.
I am not going to lie...my mom did not like the idea of me marrying someone with less education than me, but once she realized how smart he is, she realized that intelligence has little to do with college sometimes.
My advice : Be aware of it, but if you truly don't have an issue with it, then don't let it become an issue. Just realize society is the way it is and you may have to deal with weird comments or stares.
I was using that as an example, and you totally missed my point, which was, that we are all particularly capable of things that others are unable to do. Whether it is electrical, painting, changing a diaper. The work is not the issue, the issue is respecting whatever your loved one does, whatever it is that makes him happy, and to realize that he is special because of it.
Intelligence levels should not matter imo if you have two people interested in growing together, sharing experiences, reading about/talking about news stories. I think the exception is if you have someone who really doesn't care about learning, growing, sharing experiences and another partner who is super motivated/thrives on learning. People who do not have equivalent intellectual levels can participate in many activities together and find joy in just living life. I think problems come into play when the person with the lower IQ grows bitter because of differences.
I think the key ingredient in any relationship is to be positive and supportive.