Sex & Romance
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: anyone else waiting?
Full disclosure: my FI and I had sex at 14. I'm guessing you'll discount whatever else follows, but that's neato. We have an interesting story, but that's another post.
Beyond the "what's right and wrong" arguments and the "what you should do" assertions, I'll just submit that waiting until you're married to experience your partner sexually is essentially a dice-roll. Clearly, this doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to end up with someone that is not sexually compatible with you. It means that it's somewhat of a gamble. Just remember that the people on here that are posting that everything worked out for them when they waited are, in all likelihood, with partners with whom they're sexually compatible. Or at the very least, with people who were willing to work hard at making their sexual life work. Don't underestimate the number of people unwilling to do this or how hard it actually is.
Sexual incompatibility is a leading cause of divorce, between both "Christian" and "non-Christian" couples. Also, waiting to have sex does not lead to a more "special" wedding night. It's presumptuous at best to assume that your wedding night is more special than another's for any reason. Weddings and marriages are about love and commitment, not about a loss of virginity and sex.
Good luck!
I come from a Christian background and a Christian education and I have to say that more of my Christian friends that waited have gotten divorced than those who did not.
A lot of my Christian friends that decided to wait found that they were sexually incompatible with their partners after they were married.
Not worth the gamble for me. I waited with each of my serious partners until I was sure how I felt about them.. And that was worth it. But I would never wait for marriage. Life is too short for bad sex. And guess what.. God understands.. He's not an idiot, He knows how it works.. He loves you anyway.
Good for you!
Don't let anyone make you feel dumb or like waiting doesn't matter. If it is important to you and your fiance then it does matter.
Having said that, my fiance and I didn't wait. We wanted to because we are Christians as well but we didn't make it.
Having sex for the first time is the most awkward and (for me) painful experience but when you're in love it doesn't really matter. Your wedding night will be special whether you have had sex before or not.
If you are looking for support, you can check out the Catholic Brides board on theknot. I believe there were a few brides who were waiting and you could probably start a discussion on the difficulties of waiting.
To answer your question, DH and I did not wait. We did wait until we were very stable in our relationship and were very committed to each other. We had only been having sex for a year before we were married and for us it was worth it. Sex was very awkward for me the first few times and I actually tore a little at first which stopped all sexual activity for awhile. I was happy that when we did get married we were starting to have great sex and were able to experience that through the honeymoon (rather than tearing and we were in Hawaii and I cringe just thinking about salt water on that, ouch).
Dh and I prayed on it together before we decided it was right for us. So I guess that would be the best advice that I can give you, pray on it.
bio
Repeat this to your self: My Wedding Party is made of my family and friends and I should treat them as such.
The girls who said that weren't talking about you OP....we were talking about the girl who responded first.
I was more talking to the first response after yours. I don't like that she says it makes it "more" special. Good luck with your wedding!
This, exactly. Those that imply that their wedding was "more special" because they hadn't had sex before frankly don't know what they're talking about.
Our wedding was special because we were celebrating our decision to committ the rest of our lives together. Our wedding night was special because we made love for the first time as husband and wife.
Most of the virgin bride posts make me think of a bunch of horny high school guys talking about the upcoming prom..........thinking about and obsessing over the SEX SEX SEX that they're going to have at the end of the event.
I was reading your post this morning and all of the replies you recieved and it was interesting to read everyone's ideas about sex and marriage. I will be praying for you and your fiance, that God will give you the strength to please him and only Him. Part of pleasing God is doing what the word says to do. The Bible is very specific about having sex before marriage. To God it is wrong. So ultimately it is God who we should please, not just for His sake but for ours.
I waited until my wedding night to have sex and it was amazing. I was 30 years old and I have no regrets. i do not regret to not have a long list of random men that I "practiced with" I do not regret to have experienced a painful first experience with a random man who did not love me through it. I do not regret the fact that I will not have to be a bad example to my children.
A little bit of waiting won't hurt you. Hold on, because the rewards of waiting is amazing. Exploring sexual intimacy with your husband is amazing, enjoyable and delicious. I hope you have a fantastic wedding and seek Godly people for advice in this area. Not random crazy women who may have messed up relationships.
With God's Love,
Maria
No, we didn't wait. We both had fabulous, mind blowing orgasms which made our wedding night great!
To eaches own in the waiting catagory, but please don't come back on here after your wedding and start complaining about how you two aren't humping like bunnies, mmkay.
No, we did not wait. We also both had several previous sexual partners. Neither of us regret not waiting, and we certainly don't regret any of our previous sexual experiences either, which are are open and honest with one another about.
DH and I first had sex about three weeks into our relationship, and we very much enjoyed our sexual exploration together before we got married. We enjoyed having sex the night before we married as our "last unmarried sex" we jokingly called it and had just as much fun the night we married having our "first married sex". It certainly did NOT make the wedding ANY less special for us, as for us marriage is not defined by having "permission" to have sex. I would say the familiarity and comfort with our sexual relationship also enabled us to have some pretty awesome and enjoyable sex on our wedding night - and it was special because it was the day he and I married and said our vows, not because it was our first time having sex.
I really have a hard time with the concept of "sex being more special" simply because you waited. That is not to say that sex for you WON'T be special however because it is I presume it will be with someone you love. Your virginity is not some big prize to be won; and the fact alone you are both virgins (or one of you is) does not itself make sex more special. Sex with my DH is amazing and special because of the love we have for one another, the trust, openness, honesty and intimacy we share not only with our sexuality but also our entire selves. That is not to say that all our sexual encounters are spent coo-ing at one another and shedding tears of joy by any means, sometimes it is just downright dirty - but it certainly is always special for us.
Um, wow. How nice of you to presume that everyone who didn't wait "practiced" with "random" people and had a terrible first experience with someone who didn't love them. Lovely. How nice of you to judge whether or not someone's relationship is "messed up" based on whether or not they had sex before marriage. Very godly of you.
OP - for some people, waiting is the right choice and for some, it isn't. Personally, I did not wait and I don't regret it one bit. My first time wasn't with my husband and it certainly wasn't a bad experience. It was with someone I loved and who loved me very much. In the end, we didn't belong together but that doesn't meant it was a bad experience. It was wonderful actually and I wouldn't change it for anything. It didn't make the first time with my husband any less special - the two have nothing to do with each other. The first time with my husband was special because of who we are and what our relationship is like, not because we've never been with anyone else.
But that's me. Do whatever you feel is right. Please don't let people who waited tell you what "not waiting" is like because they have no idea, having never been through it.
That's hilarious, because I didn't wait for my wedding night and somehow I don't have a long list of random men that I "practiced with," and I didn't have a painful first experience with a random man who did not love me. My personal motto is that I don't have sex with people I'm not in a loving, committed, stable and monogamous relationship with. I would encourage my future children to do the same.
But thanks for the laughs. I'm sure that Jesus forgives you for being so judgmental and rude.
Wow.
It's because of people like you that someone like the OP gets snarky responses to her post. You are being beyond judgmental and it's disgusting. Just because someone has sex before marriage does NOT mean there is a laundry list of partners or randoms and that there wasn't feelings of love involved. Not everyone has a painful first experience - I didn't. I don't think I'm a bad example to my children either simply because I experienced sex before getting married. Not everyone in the world has to have the same beliefs as you. Just because you feel one way doesn't give you the right to act all morally superior to the rest of us. Don't forget, when you go and stand before the pearly gates, you will be the one being judged - for being so damn judgmental. Get off your fuucking soapbox.
Hilarious, I mean, you ARE joking right? Or are you really that judgmental? I am pretty sure that is not considered a "Godly" quality.
I do not have a long list of "random men". I don't consider any of them to have been "practice". Each of my relationships has been incredibly important to me, and allowed me to learn about myself and others. Just because something ended does not mean it was not special, or it was random, or any other such thing. I certainly do NOT regret any of them. I am able to have a wonderful relationship with my DH in part because of those experiences.
And I certainly am not going to be a "bad example" (and certainly not a "bad parent") to my future children simply as I was not a virgin on my wedding night nor is it somehow going to dictate how your own children view sex before marriage in the long run. Plenty of parents who were virgins on their wedding night have children who engage(d) in premarital sex. Give me a break.
Being a virgin on your wedding night does not make sex, or YOU, or your relationship more special, then those who did not wait. It is simply personal choice and not some sort of moral trophy to parade over others.
1st I want to say keep at it and thats awesome. My plan was to wait, that lasted until I met my now Husband and we were together for just about a yr. We had sex for about a yr and then it was about 9 months before the wedding and I figured before we have an oopps itd be better for us to wait until the wedding to have sex again. I am glad we did that, cus then yes it did make the wedding night a bit different then just having sex the night before as well. But also when we 1st started having sex it hurt. and honestly with me at least (you may be very different) it took me months to actually get it to where it felt OK. even now and we have been married for almost 4 months its still a bit awkward for me...I think mostly cus we dont actually have sex that often.
But keep at it, cus there is no going back really once you give in!
Side-eye to this post.
Especially as for me not having sex that often WOULD be a concern and something I would want to know BEFORE marriage. I'd also be concerned it was still "awkward" after a total of 16 months of sex together.
Not having sex or virgins?
I agree it's all around better and less trouble to marry as virgins and no affairs. VD would be gone in a generation.Single Mothers tend to be a burden for society too.
I have to compliment you for not bragging like some girls do about virginity and waiting.
I second that, I wanted to make sure my partner (now DH) and I were both sexually compatible. Holding out for your wedding night does not make your wedding experience better. I would actually beg the differ. If anything, it makes it awkward and painful....LOL
Neither my husband or I were virgins when we got together but we decided early on to wait. It was not easy but I am glad we waited. The first time we had sex, which was our wedding night, was not the greatest sex but we didn't expect it to be. the night was still wonderful and exciting because we waited but we were just getting to know each other in that arena so it took some time for the sex to get really good. Sex has definitely gotten better as time has passed. I decided to wait because I was done with all the drama and heartache that did come with having sex when I was younger and dating.
"For us it was about our faith and obeying God's word"
Didn't your "god" knock up a virgin, who he wasn't married to, who also turned out to be his mother, then he turned around and gave up his son to be killed - for you? What a positive influence to have in your life.
Wow, my head is spinning.
Fun topic! lol
I would like to throw in my 2 cents, a little late but hey.
I have been with my husband since my junior year in high school, we got married 5 years later. We waited until our wedding night, and let me say that I will never trade that memory for anything in the world. The only reason being because of my faith. Would it have felt physically different if we had sex before our wedding?, no. But would I have been left with feelings of guilt over what it is supposed to be the most beautiful expression between a couple? YEP, and that would have ruined it.
If people don't follow a certain faith, there is no guilt behind certain actions, adultery being one of them. I don't think people who don't wait or wrong or evil or slighted on their wedding nights. I haven't lived anyone elses' life besides mine, so I can't speak for other people. What I do know, is that in my life, this was the purest expression of love, and I didn't want anything to take that away from me.
In my opinion, it really is a personl decision, and I wouldn't let people pressure me either way. You have to do what makes you happy!
And the award for the most hypocritical Christian on The Nest goes to....mjbustamante!!!! Let's all give her a big round of applause.
Seriously, what on earth are you smoking? I'm pretty sure that Christianity is a religion built upon love and acceptance. Maybe you should try practicing some of it. You have some seriously whacked out views on sex if you think that a) it's always painful if it's not with your DH; b) not being a virgin on your wedding night automatically means that you're promiscuous; c) are bad role models for their children if they did have sex before marriage. I could really write you a novel, but you're too busy thumping your Bible to read it.
There are plenty of "Christian" marriages that involve domestic violence, infidelity, drug and alcohol problems, etc et al. Stick around long enough, and you'll see them here and it's heartbreaking to see some of those women who think that their faith is a shield against problems like that.
Oh, and one more thing, I'm pretty sure that God has bigger problems on his hands than worrying about whether or not you've got your hymen intact on your wedding night. You know...things like famine, disease, natural disasters, war...the big stuff?
what was that thing that guy said about not judging others...
mmmm, it was right here in this dusty old book that was written by human beings.
I'm in the waiting camp. Strongly so.
I'm not saying anyone else is terrible or anything like that, but what I do find a little odd is those who judge the "virgin brides." If you're so secure in your decision, why judge? Note, I'm not calling anyone insecure, I just don't understand the judgment.
My FI had a sexual relationship in college, when he had fallen away from the church (we're both Catholic...he's changed a lot since those days...from having sex just because it was expected to becoming a traditional, Latin Mass goer who wouldn't dream of acting that way now.) He regrets it...a lot. It was something that was hard for me to come to terms with, but it was even harder for him. He feels like I'm getting the bum deal in a way, because of it. It was something that was hard for us to work through, but because of it, it was easier for us to wait, because we know what it would mean for us not to.
One thing that has helped us a lot is that we don't put ourselves in a position where we might lose control. Quick kisses...that's IT. No long kissing sessions, or going off into bedrooms to hang out. Have an activity planned for all dates...going to a movie or out to dinner, or to a party or whatever. I'm not in the camp of having someone along always, and never being alone together or whatever, but I am 100% in favor of being smart about it. Not judging anyone, but accidents are often preventable. It's harder to wait when you do "everything but" than it is when you don't. My FI had a relationship with a girl that was a waiting relationship, after college but before he met me...and that was harder because they would do things like stay in hotels together, etc. He's had an easier time with me, both because of age and maturity, but also because we take more precautions. Are we too cautious? Maybe. But I'd rather that than the opposite.
Please don't start up a religion battle. I didn't want this topic to turn into that. Everyone has an opinion and believes what they want. Please don't bash us. Its ok with saying you don't agree with something, but was that necessary?
Let's just stick to the topic.
Thanks for all the posts. I appreciate the honesty!