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The Hunting Widow....
Just needed to vent a little. I'm getting slightly tired of hunting season already... and it just started! My husband is a fanatic, scratch that, he's addicted! He's been gone every weekend since mid August (just about) and usually leaves friday and comes home Monday... then complains when I want to take a weekend away or a vacation later in the year because he's saving all of his vacation for freaking hunting season! I'm so frusturated! So he finally gave in and is going to stay home to spend some quality wife time this weekend, but last night during dinner, one of his buddies called, my phone by the way!, to ask if he could go hunting tonight, I got a little pissed cause I had a nice dinner planned and was getting off early so I could actually cook tonight, but he also had said he was taking a break for a week so I didnt hurt him for leaving so much. This was something that came up in our pre-marital counceling, that he hunts too much (last year he was gone over 60 days in just over 3 months!!!) and he promised to cut it down to just 2 seasons instead of 5, yea, as soon as we were married he said he was only saying that to get through the sessions and get me off his back, I was pretty pissed, but figured we could work out a compromise. yea, hasnt happened, instead he put in for an early season hunt, which he was drawn for, and he's already shot his deer, now he wants a elk, and a bear, and even a freaking cougar! then it's duck season, which I cant argue with that much because our dog is a bird dog and she loves it too much, and he's only gone in the mornings. I really try to be reasonable, but when I have to cancel stuff because he plans a last minute hunting trip, it's frusturating. and I also feel really hurt because he basically makes it seem like he'd rather go hunting all the time than spend time with me. I do go with him sometimes, but I cant kill an animal, i've tried to psych myself up for it, but I still get really upset watching his videos and stuff... so I just dont try, and he doesnt push me to. I go camping all summer so he can scout, and I hike with him to look for animals, but he likes to go 15 miles a day through the mountains... thats not for me. I just hope he tones it down for the rest of the year, I cant take too many more weekends alone... there is only so much I can plan!!
That is my rant, I have vented, I appreciate being able to post this and get my frusturations off my chest. Thanks!
Re: The Hunting Widow....
Hobbies are great, but when they interfere with your home life/social life, not so great.
He needs to give more here. If he doesn't he's being selfish and an ass.
I was with someone for 5 years who was exactly like this, matter of fact you might be married to him I heard he got married (haha)
He never made me a priority even dating and when he proposed I knew how my life would be as his wife, so I didnt marry him.
Honestly if you knew he was like this you cant be suprised he continued this behavior, marriage doesnt fix the problems you had in your relationship.
Im sorry youre having to go through this, tell him how you feel if hes not willing to change then maybe hes not worth being married to.
GL!
A few observations:
1. Paragraphs are a good idea.
2. This isn't new behavior, you knew what you were signing up for when you said, "I do."
3. You shouldn't have to change who YOU are to appease his wants. It's nice that you go with him sometimes, but he should also take an interest in your hobbies.
4. If he's not willing to give or understand your feelings on this, he's a total selfish jerk.
5. as soon as we were married he said he was only saying that to get through the sessions and get me off his back, I was pretty pissed, but figured we could work out a compromise. yea, hasnt happened, This absolutely confirms #4. He LIED to get you "off his back." Why would you think you could work out a compromise after finding out he was just saying things to shut you and your counselor up?
6. Talk to him. If he won't listen and refuses to go to counseling to work through these issues, you're left with a big decision. Can you live the rest of your life like this?
7. Calling yourself a "Hunting Widow" is odd since he's still alive (when I read the title, I assumed your DH had died in a hunting accident). It also says a lot about how you feel about your marriage. Obviously you feel like you're all alone in it, and IMHO, it sounds like you are.
GL...
That really jumped out at me. ?More than anything else that tells me that he is willing to say whatever it takes just to get what he wants- and that attitude just isn't conducive to marriage. ?"I'll placate her by saying I'll do what she wants and then really just do to suit myself" isn't thinking like a partner. ??
Actually, I'd insist on marriage counseling on this issue- because it is the issue, the hunting is more a symptom- and if he won't go with you, go alone. ?But don't accept it as an ok thing for him to do. ?You deserve to be a priority. ?
Ditto everyone else. He DOES care more about hunting than he does about you. He LIED to you - that shows how little respect he has for you!
I would demand counseling, and if he doesn't go and things don't change, I would get out. Your marriage started with a huge lie - that is a problem.
Thanks for the feedback.
let me clear a couple things up...
A hunting widow is a term that alot of hunters call their wives during hunting season.. it doesnt actually mean I'm a widow, sorry I didnt clarify that, It's just something that old men conjured up to call their wives because they leave so much during the season.
sorry about the no-paragraphs thing, It was just a rant and I just kept typing.
Before we were married we dated for 5 years, in those years, he only went on 3 hunting trips, we lived in a different state, were in college, and he didnt have the interest that he has now. when we moved to Idaho it was like this whole new opportunity to hunt every season, for cheaper than in Washington, and he doesnt have to declare rifle or archery here like he did there, so he just went a little hunt-crazy.
It didnt get bad until last year, then this year he said he wouldnt be gone as much, but it's turning out to be almost the same. he did sell his rifle, so he wont be hunting with rifle, just archery, which is better, it just seems like it's soo much time!
I know I shouldnt have to change who I am, and he does show interest in some of the things I like to do, but hunting is a hobby I cant compete with, so it's hard to feel like it's equal all the time.
I have talked to my MIL about it, his dad was huge into hunting when he was little (he went on a week long hunt when my DH was only 3 weeks old...) she said that with him, after the boys were born, he stopped going as much. and he has said that when we do have kids he'll definately not go as much. we do use the meat that he brings home, I love venison and love the healthy benefits of deer meat, i just wish he would take the first or 2nd deer he sees instead of waiting for the biggest and the best.
I shouldnt have been so harsh, he really is a great husband and a wonderful man, yes the hunting obsession is hard on me now, we are still newlyweds, but i'm sure I just need to get used to his hobby, and hopefully i'll be able to find things to do to keep me occupied while he is gone. I'm not taking back my frusturations, I just dont want this one thing to make you ladies think my husband is this horrible monster for enjoying hunting. It does just get old and I get lonely, thats the hardest part. I also worry about some freak hunting accident that could happen, even though he reassures me he is always safe and smart, the people he goes with are the ones I get nervous about. He does need to compromise more, I'll talk to him about that, we've talked about it before, we just havent come up with great solutions, like a date night together for every weekend he is gone, it's little but it does help. I'll talk to him when he gets home tonight and post an update soon. thanks again!
NO!!!!! NO NO NO!!!!! you dont just need to get used to his hobby!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!
It has to be fair it has to be equal, he has to do things you both like to do. Its not right for you to just get used to it!!!! He has to stop!
Please dont just suffer with this!!!! I hate to think that you might spend the rest of your life married to this man who doesnt put you as his #1.
Until I left my ex who was just like your H I had no idea what it was like to be someones #1 and my FI puts me there and its the greatest!!!!
Please at least talk to him about it!
LOL, I remember when my DH killed his first deer. He called from the woods while I was with my mom. Mom immediately said "Oh honey, I'm sorry, you'll never get him out of the woods now." We are both hunting widows.
Between September and January every weekend (and half the weekdays) are filled with something hunting related. I'm like you, I certainly can't hunt. I do, however, practice the bow with him, put up treestands, go to shooting matches, etc. DH loves that while I don't hunt I do take an interest.
Take the time when he is actually out hunting to do a girls weekend, learn a new hobby, connect with friends.
Just as you don't need to change who you are, he shouldn't have to change who he is.
Thank Gyno, I appreciate having another widow who understands what fall is truly about
) I agree he shouldnt have to change, I dont want him to, I just would like him to tone it down and even it out a little, spend the same amount of time with me as he does with his bow. I love shooting the bow right along with him, we just cant afford to buy me one yet, but I would love to go target shooting with him and be able to share that interest with him. I would love to find something that we both are interested in as well, I'm afraid of starting a time consuming and money consuming hobby I dont want something that will take over my life like this has his. we dont need 2 major hobbies in 1 house.
I do love to camp and do the outdoorsy thing, a couple weekends ago we were on a scouting and he had me shoot his 22 while he threw up decoys for our dog (she's trigger happy and breaks alot), that was so much fun! I loved shooting! and it wasnt like a shotgun, where if I shot a shotgun, i'd be bruised on my shoulder for a week! but it really was a blast! So I love that part of his hobby, it's just the time. He does love when I take an interest, and I hope he realizes soon how this is affecting me, he gets a little defensive when I ask him to cut down on hunting, so then I get defensive and it's just hard, we have talked, and we'll talk more i'm sure.
Thanks for letting me know i'm not the only one out there
) it's hard when people dont relate, I dont like hearing people call him bad things, I shouldnt have vented on here if they are going to be rude and mean, thats not a wake-up call, it's just plain being rude. I could post so many more amazing stories about him, it's just this one downfall that frusturates me, and unfortunately, I had to vent on here because I couldnt get ahold of any of my girlfriends....
Honestly you made your first statement and now to cover your husbands ass your back pedaling and saying oh hes not that bad, really I like doing all the things he does and none of the things I do.
The women here are honest and tell it like it is, myself included. If you want to call us rude and mean we can be.
I honestly dont want to see you end up hurt, unhappy and lonely like its so obvious that you are........ I just hope he tones it down for the rest of the year, I cant take too many more weekends alone... there is only so much I can plan!!........... and I also feel really hurt because he basically makes it seem like he'd rather go hunting all the time than spend time with me.
Its plain that your husband lied to you (and he promised to cut it down to just 2 seasons instead of 5, yea, as soon as we were married he said he was only saying that to get through the sessions and get me off his back, I was pretty pissed, but figured we could work out a compromise. yea, hasnt happened) and when the people here point it out and take up for YOU, you in turn call us rude and mean???
Its also plain that you arent his priority.......So he finally gave in and is going to stay home to spend some quality wife time this weekend, but last night during dinner, one of his buddies called, my phone by the way!, to ask if he could go hunting tonight, I got a little pissed cause I had a nice dinner planned and was getting off early so I could actually cook tonight,
Forgive us for being honest. But I cant be any other way
I think you need to set some ground rules. ?How many weekends is reasonable for him to go? ?How many days off can he use, and how many should he save for vacation with you or visiting out of town friends and family? ?How far in advance does he need to let you know? ?For example, you had dinner plans, and his friend called. ?He should have told his friend he had plans, and talked to you about whether you preferred he ask his friend to go the next night or something. ?
I think it's cool that you get involved and do the scouting trips and such. ?Does he count that for anything and go do things that interest you? ??
?
I'm sorry that he would rather leave you alone to go off and murder for fun. That's sick--not to mention rude to you, the woman he promised to love and cherish. I'll be you don't feel cherished. Does he ignore his household responsibilities? What about when you have children? He can't just go off anytime he wants now--he has a wife and a responsibility to her. I'm sorry that he puts his own needs first and puts you second. Perhaps it is asking too much of someone who has no regard for animals' lives to to have compassion for someone's feelings? It might just be part of his personality, but it doesn't seem like he is interested in compromising or understanding your point of view. You are his wife and deserving of his time and consideration. You need to discuss this and come to a compromise. More importantly, he needs to see that your feelings count. He needs to acknowledge that marriage requires him to be mature and consider how his wife feels. You really need to address this situation now. Don't wait or you will be obligated to put up with this for the rest of your life or allow it to weaken your union through the discontent and resentment.
Thanks for using paragraphs in the rest of your posts. I'm an English major, so it's a pet peeve of mine - I didn't mean that to be rude. It makes it MUCH easier to read when there are breaks in the post.
You have gotten some good advice on here so far. As Olivia suggested, ground rules would be very helpful, but I highly doubt that he would honor them. Counseling is a good idea, but only if he'll go willingly and stop lying to you and your counselor to get you off his back.
I still stand by my first post. He lied to you, and you said it yourself, you feel hurt and like he would rather spend time hunting than with you.
I don't think you should ask him to give up hunting or change who he is. But when a hobby begins hurting your marriage, something has to change. And I'm certain that you know that, deep down.
Also, and I'm not trying to flame you because I understand that you're getting defensive, but you posted a "vent" on a public message board. You're going to get some PETA folks who hate hunting, you're going to get some other "hunting widows," you're going to get middle-of-the-road posts, and you're going to get some snarky posts. Welcome to the nest, and the world, for that matter. I don't think anyone was very rude (try posting on ML if you think we were harsh), we just respond based on the information in your original post. If your husband sounds like (based solely on what you wrote) he's being a selfish prick, people will say it. We don't know these "amazing stories" about him (and quite frankly, even if he's flippin Fabio, he's still treating you like crap in this area), so we can't automatically comment taking those "amazing stories" into consideration.
So, the question still remains, is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? That decision is 100% yours. None of us can make it for you.
he has said that when we do have kids he'll definately not go as much
Sure, kids change things. BUT - why are YOUR wants and needs not enough? Why is it only having KIDS that will make him cut back?
Plus- as he out and out LIED to you, I don't know that I would bank on "oh- once we have kids, he'll change". Some men DON'T cut back on hunting and other hobbies once kids come along....
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Here's the thing - you can backpedal all you want, however your marriage started with a lie. Your husband, who is supposed to love and honor you, lied to you and doesn't think it's a big deal. Your husband, who is supposed to love and honor you, doesn't care if he spends too much time on his hobby at your expense. He doesn't have to change who he is to be able to go hunting less and actually act like a husband. And just because there are other hunting widows out there doesn't make it right.
Furthermore, you say there are all these wonderful things about him. Sure there are - if he was all bad you wouldn't have married him. Having some good qualities however in no way negates that he treats you like crap for a large part of the year. If he continues putting you last, then either your marriage is not going to survive or you are going to have a long miserable lonely marriage.
You're right. Intelligent, rational people know it's so much better and less cruel to let the animals starve to death over the winter.
Are you a vegan?
The OP stated that they eat what he kills, so while he may enjoy hunting, he's not just doing it for fun. The fact that he hunts is not the problem here, the problem is that he puts a hobby way before his wife, and purposefully lied to her about the hobby before they got married.
There's no room for rational thought in this thread, cas!
You should talk to my sister, she's also a hunting widow.
I don't really have any advice for you - I've watched my sister tolerate her husband's hunting obsession for the last decade. He's never home in the fall/winter, and he typically takes a hunting trip in the summer too. They never have any money, because he's always buying ammo and hunting supplies.
Even though my sister and her husband have their own house, my sister and their son basically live with my parents because my sister doesn't like being home alone. She and my nephew spend more time with my parents than they do with BIL.
It's not a life that I could ever live. In fact, I doubt that I could have even dated someone who was that obsessed with anything. Hunting rules his life, and therefore pretty much rules my sister's life too.
I wouldn't expect things to change much when and if you have a child.........you'll just be that much more resentful when he leaves you home alone with the baby weekend after weekend, month after month.
Is this truly the life that you want to live?
I don't see any logic behind criticizing hunters while NOT being vegan. Hunters often care a lot more about wildlife than most people, and they spearhead a lot of conservation efforts, especially in still-wild places like Montana. If you eat meat at all, you need to shut the f*ck up because you clearly have no idea what goes into killing animals. I say this as an ecologist, and an animal lover.
Wifey - she uses the term "hunting widow" the same way a lot of wives call themselves "football widows" because their Hs watch football or whatever all the damn time. I couldn't live in a marriage like that, but a lot of women do and use the term jokingly.
Anyway, OP, sounds like you got a real piece of $hit for a husband on your hands. Good luck with the lying.
You do realize that humans are technically animals and are part of the food chain, right? A human eating a cow is like a lion eating a zebra.
Cas, lions and zebras are cuuuuute, therefore they can do no wrong! Jeez, get with the program already, will ya?
Please to be backing this up with solid proof?
hehe animals can eat other animals, just as long as the animals doing the eating are not humans.
Yeah, she explained it. It's still weird and sad to me, though.
Kitty - really? Maybe you should study some ecology and get involved with conservation efforts of wildlife since you know so much about them. Then you can tell those ecologists out in Montana to stop reintroducing wolves partially in order to save the elk population. Getting rid of the top predator is the worst thing that can happen to all species in an ecosystem.
The truth is, without natural predators, all species suffer - we see dying and diseased elk and deer in Montana all the time due to them not being weeded out of the population. And yes, they do starve. In places where reintroducing wolves is not feasible (populated areas, especially in the east where lots of people live), what is to be done?