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Does this relationship have a potential future?
I've been dating someone for a year now. We were friends for about four years before that and always interested in each other. My problem is that I'm not sure that he is capable of the kind of intimacy I want in my life.
We only spend the night together (or have sex) about once a month. He seems more interested in it when he has been drinking, but I've become less and less interested in having him stay over when he's had too much to drink. When he's sober he always has some excuse for parting ways after a date... my dog, or his busy schedule, etc. Since he isn't a cuddly person and doesn't really like public displays of affection, I am feeling a bit starved for attention. I'd give almost anything to curl up on the couch with another human being and to snuggle our way through a movie. When I try to do this with him though, it usually only lasts about five minutes before he moves away.
He has told me that being with me makes him really happy. He occasionally talks about wanting kids, and about wanting them with me. He makes plans for future outings, etc. When he was considering taking a job in another city, he wanted me to move there with him. We haven't talked much about love. I told him once, about three months ago, that I was falling in love with him. He reacted kindly, but the next day he got drunk and cried about how I had "changed the rules" on him. I'm getting the idea that he may be emotionally stunted or something? I honestly believe he's committed to a future with me; probably more committed to me than I am to him, in fact. I just don't know how to ask him for the things that I feel like I am missing out on in this relationship. I'm not sure how to get him to open up emotionally... or eve physically for that matter. And not getting what I need from him eats at my confidence. I worry that I simply am not attractive to him.
This is kind of a free flow jumble of my thoughts... sorry about that. Hope its not too much to sort through. I'm just looking for some thoughts or insights.
Re: Does this relationship have a potential future?
It's been a year and you haven't said the L word? Everyone is different but that seems way off to me. He doesn't stay over, he doesn't show you much affection. Why would this change going forward? He doesn't make time for you and is always running off and making excuses. Are you sure he isn't married?
DTMFA.
I think you two need to chat. He won't know what you need unless you tell him. Then you'll know. This kind of a talk isn't easy... I remember having it... if you want your relationship to work you just got to do it... when you're both calm, and sober. An if he's not willing to change you need to figure if you can last without affection.
I know when my husband and I were dating we snuggled, held hands, hugged, kissed and other affectionate things...even in public...a little lovey dovey.
And we said "I love you" at the 6 month mark... but every relationship is different.
We didn't have sex until after we got married so I can't speak to that, BUT sex while drunk seems like it would take away from the connecting that a couple does during sex. Do you want something else? You should chat about this too.
IMO If you have to ask if the relationship has a potential future it probably doesn't.
You're dating and already see a lot of changes you want to see happen, instead of trying to change this relationship (which honestly probably won't happen anyway and you're just going to get more and more frustrated with him and the two of you together) why not find someone who actually has those traits that you want/need in a man/relationship?
You deserve that don't you?
Why are you settling?
In this early stage of the game you shouldn't have to compromise. Drunk sex is the only sex you have? And only once a month? You want to cuddle and be affectionate and he doesn't? I think you already know the answer to this.
Also, what about what you posted here? - http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/4147907.aspx
Sounds like you've already broken up once. Why did you get back together? Did he promise he would change and then didn't?
Geek_Girl
No... that post was about my ex. We didn't get back together. He moved out shortly after I made that post. I started dating my current boyfriend a few months later.
Thank you all. I needed a bit of a reality check and I appriciate all the input you've given me. You are right... I really DO already know what I need to do. I just didn't know if I was giving up without giving it a fair shot.
Also, what about what you posted here? - http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/4147907.aspx
Hmmm. So is it one year or two? Does he live with you or does he hardly ever stay over? MUD or not?
EDIT: Nevermind, I just saw your post below.
I still say dump his azz and find an equal, affectionate partner.
He drinks too much.
DEALBREAKER.
Say good bye and then hit the road.
Why do you want a relationship with an alcoholic?
" I just didn't know if I was giving up without giving it a fair shot."
You know, you don't have to give dating a guy a fair shot. It either works or it doesn't, and you never need a "good enough" reason to say that it doesn't.
Please keep in mind that you don't need a "good enough" reason to end it with someone. If you don't click then you don't click. Its not the end of the world and you'll feel much better.
There are other, better fish in the sea. Go find one!
Once a month and only when he's drunk? Sounds like you're his safe booty call to me.
Usually people who are only interested in sex won't be very affectionate and won't stay the night.
It is odd that he talks about your future together, but yet he doesn't show that he really wants that.
I would move on. Sounds like the two of you are better off as friends.
You are right. On one level I know that, but its a mistake I always seem to make. I hold on to relationships longer than I should because I always think there has to be some good reason for decisions rather than trusting my instints about thing. I really need to work on that.
Thanks Kuus
I didn't get that he's an alcoholic. He calls her once a month, while drunk, to have sex. If it was every weekend or so, then I'd wonder. A lot of people go out and drink and maybe have a little too much now and then, but it doesn't make them alcoholics.
My sources say no.
He's feeding into the relationship just enough to keep you around without having to put any real time in. He tells you what you want to hear. I hate to say it but you sound more like a backup plan than the main event.
DTMFA
Most people make this same mistake; it's nothing to beat yourself up over. With time and experience, you become more and more willing to admit sunk costs and move on.
Onward and upward!
You can't bring on good cargo until you clear the decks.
This guy just isn't able to give you what you want. That is enough justification to move on. He isn't going to wake up tomorrow and be a different person -- affectionate, committed, loving. Perhaps those traits are inside of him, but he isn't going to give them to you. Do you want this for the rest of your life? Probably not.
So wish him a fond farewell, and take all of the time and energy you have been spending on him and give it to yourself. Leave your schedule open for someone who will meet your needs.
Can you say Booty Call?
as cliche as this next line is...he's just not that into you. You're safe to walk away
Well, it isn't like I only see him once a month. We probably hang out twice a week and we talk in some form (phone, txt or email) every day. So, its certainly not just a booty call. But... its not very sexual and its not very emotional. In my opinion. He drinks a lot a few times a month. Its not that frequent, but its frequent for me... and its a lot when he drinks. Thats a whole other issue (I wasn't going to get into)... but I don't like that aspect of his personality either. Alcoholic?? Maybe. I don't really know. But, I'm more of an occassional glass of wine drinker to his three bottles. So... yeah... I know. Even more reason to call it quits.
But then, I'm not at all a party girl. I have a low tolerance to people I care about drinking. Makes me uncomfortable. I'll take care of a sick friend but I don't like having to deal with drunken bs. So... my tolerance to deal with that kind of stuff may be lower than most peoples.
Brown Town... I like that you pointed out that I am his back up plan, not the main event. That sort of fits, unfortunately. I think it helps to shed some light on things.
DaringMiss - "You can't bring on good cargo until you clear the decks." Love that! I know... he's sort of the essence of the saying "He's not that into you".
See... writing it down here and having it bounced back at me makes it seem so obvious.
I talk to my booty call at least 5 times a week. With scattered txt messages throughout the day. We see each other usually 1-2 times a week.
Booty calls have many different levels, IMHO.
1. Call, come over, leave
2. Talk a few times a week, see each other a few times a week, sex, no sleep overs.
3. same as 2 only sleepovers and meeting friends...this is when things start to get blurry and you make a choice to move foward.
Let me ask you this. Have you met any of his friends? Family? Gone on vacations? Do other activities with couples?
Hmm. I think you might be in denial. There isn't a handbook on booty calls. My ex husband had a F buddy, happened to be a good friend of mine who was also married. Come to find out he text her all the time too and called and they hung out a twice a week or even more (he'd pick fights with me to leave the house)
He drinks 3 bottles of wine in one sitting? And you say maybe alcoholic? Then you make excuses for him saying you aren't the partying type, binge drinking in a non party setting is not a "partying thing".
He makes you uncomfortable, your needs aren't being met, you're unhappy, unsure of going forward in this relationship, he's an alcoholic...do you really need our advice on this one?
I'm not just a booty call, i swear. I have met both his parents (separately, they are divorced) multiple times. His sister, who I have not met as she lives in another state, is my facebook friend. We have the same group of friends and we do things with them often. He was a bit shy about them knowing we were dating at first. However, I have met his college friends who live in other cities and even states and he readily introduced me as a girlfriend to them. He has been taking me out places with his coworkers since we started dating. Actually, before. No vacations.... but some day trips and a few weekend things. He hasn't taken a vacation without me.
Its not that I'm a booty call. What it feels more like is that the relationship is on HIS terms. When its convienient for him. I wonder sometimes if its what he THINKS that he should want (a steady girl, kids, etc) but not what he really wants. Does that make sense? Thats why the mention of me as a "backup" plan kind of fit. Not really what he desires but what he thinks he should want. Safe.
You have your answer right there.
Cut your losses and move on. Seriously. It really isn't worth it.
Sounds like Lars & the Real Girl. You're his doll, only you're alive. If you're not a booty call you're not someone he respects enough to have a serious relationship with. He's either not ready for one or he truly just doesn't care and is waiting for the next best thing.
It's time for you to move on. Don't make excuses as to why you should stay with him. Hit the road. There's a guy out there who WILL make you happy.
Marriage is not to be taken lightly. Could you see this man supporting you and future children?
Will he be there for you emotionally when you have a hard day at work/ home?
Will he be willing to put your children's needs and your needs first before his own?
Will he be faithful in marriage vows?
If you can answer no (or if you are even doubtful) on any of these questions, then drop him.
There are some amazing men out there who are looking for good relationships and not a drunken booty call. Stop demoralizing yourself and remember that you deserve to be happy!
Move on!
3 bottles of wine in one sitting sure makes that somebody with an alcohol problem...and I can only imagine how heavily he is drinking when you are not around.
Why do you find this person date material? Tell us again.
I think every has already summed up what I want to say as well.
You're better than sex a couple of times a month, and drunk sex at that. If he has to drink to want to have sex with you, then there is definitely a problem here.
If you want someone who is emotionally involved, wants to cuddle on a couch and hold your hand in public, then this is obviously not your ideal man. Honestly, my opinion is that a future with this guy will be a future of the same thing you have now. Do you really want that? Vows and a ring on the finger won't change him, that's a fact.
I hope that things are clearer now. Good luck!