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Why do women stop
Ok, I know that all you women will flame on me like Mt Kilauea erupting, but yes, I am a man. I have lurked here for some time after finding out about the site from co-workers discussing it amongst themselves. And while it helps me understand women's psyche (sort of), I am still confused as all get out as to what drives women. Such is the life of a man.
My question to all of you that read this is this: Why do women stop having sex after getting married and/or child birth? I don't mean completely, but going to a very limited amount.
Prior to getting married, my wife and I had sex several times a week when we got together, even our first date wound up in bed together. After we got married, the frequency drop drastically. I can't even say we had sex once a month. Now we have a child and I dare say we have sex once every 3 months, maybe. We have only had sex once since the beginning of the calendar year. I like to think that I am a doting husband and look after my wife as much as possible. I try to help around the house, yes, I help clean, do dishes, laundry, cook, everything. I take her out to her favorite restaurants. I try to surprise her with gifts and flowers. I do everything that I hear women say they want and yet, sex goes down the drain.
If you have ever wondered why men cheat, this is why. We are simple creatures. You have sex with us, we will stay with you until the day one of us dies. You stop, and we start looking elsewhere. Right or wrong or somewhere in between, that is the way it is.
So I ask again, why do women stop having sex? Someone please be honest enough with me to answer this and give me a reason why I should not start looking to have my needs filled somewhere else. Because the next post I place, may be in the T.I.P. forum.
Bucky
Re: Why do women stop
The giant red flag in your post is that you are doing what "women say they want". Well, we are not really a one-size-fits all bunch.
Ask your wife what she wants or needs you to do for her. Sure, flowers and fancy restaurants are nice, but maybe she needs you to do something else. Personally, I hate being taken to a fancy restaurant just because FI wants to have sex. It makes me feel like a prostitute.
Talk to your wife and ask her what she wants.
If you stop generalizing women and men (i.e. all women stop having sex after marriage/childbirth, and the reason men cheat is due to lack of sex at home) I will take this post more seriously.
Hey Bucky buddy- come on over to TIP!! We'd love to play with you!
I didn't stop. But if I were married to someone who thought of women as a single-minded herd, as you appear to do, I wouldn't want to have sex with him, either.
By the way, people cheat for a lot of reasons, I suppose, but all of them boil down to the cheater being a selfish, cowardly jackass with no character.
I'd advise against going over to TIP. You won't get any constructive advice there. Or if you do, it will be wrapped in several layers of belittling and berating.
It sounds like you are trying; helping with the house work, gifts, etc. But you may be better off asking your wife what would help her feel more "in the mood". Maybe if you guys scheduled sex it would help. I've heard this suggested numerous places and people have reported success. All women are different.
However, I do think you need to have a Plan B if the soft approach doesn't work. First off, Plan B (or C or D or Z) is not cheating! What I mean is, if you do ask what she needs and you do those things and the sex situation doesn't improve you need to have a frank conversation with your wife. Sex is an important part of a relationship and when you got married you were having sex on a regular basis. You didn't sign up for sex once every 3 months. I know this may sound crude, but I'd give the same advice if a man was not giving his wife what she needed sexually.
Both partners in a marriage are busy and have a lot of their plates. It's important that you both take the time to see to each others' needs.
I love sex. I enjoy it very much. I try to have it as much as I can. Sometimes though, I don't. It's when I'm not mentally connected with my SO/DH. If he's not giving me what I need to feel loved/sexy, then my want for sex drops.
Sometimes men get in ruts. They touch themselves, they rub up against you, and somehow they think this will turn the woman on. Nada. Want to get me going? Be lovey dovey. Hold my hand when we're walking around during the weekend. Tell me you love me out of the blue. Compliment me if I look pretty to you. Caress me at night. Play with my hair. Talk to me at dinner. Send me lovey dovey texts. Then, after a week or two of that, bring on the sex drive. Tell me how hot I am. Make out with me (kissing is huge). Don't bring sex into it right away. We'll know what you are looking for. Give some time to the relationship itself. Make her feel secure in your love and I'll bet you'll see a return in her sex drive.
Sometimes I want my man to just take it. Throw me down on the bed kind of thing. Just make sure you make out with her a few minutes before trying to enter her so she's not dry.
Being tired also takes it out of you. For both men and women.
I;m going to try to ignore the "this is why we cheat" ***. I've been cheated on by my ex-husb. He told me while he beginning his affair when I was trying to get him to come have sexy time "your drive is too much, I cannot have sex this often." So, I just don't want to hear it. People choose to cheat because they choose to cheat. You can choose not to.
marjoriemitchell - Contrary to what you may think, I do all the things she does and maybe even more. I get up in the middle of the night, change the baby, feed her, struggle to get her to go back to sleep. And maybe you didn't catch what I wrote. I do half of the daily chores and cooking and everything else. I am just as tired and just as frazzled as my DW, perhaps even more since my daily work hours are longer than hers. I have taken the baby away to visit family and left her home to have time to take naps or bath or whatever else she needs. Things I don't get.
meltonine - Red flag or not, she even comments on how nice it is. Before we got married, she repeatedly told me how her exs did nothing romantic. I bend over backwards and get nothing in return. I don't turn around and come home expecting her strip and do me right there, but it would be nice if she would show her appreciation in some form. I get nothing for it.
snailbutt - Yes, I know all about you women that love to rake people over the coals for voicing there concerns and opinions and various forums. It's a shame that there are asses in the world like you that can see that some people are fighting to save their marriage and trying to find answers to keep from going in the wrong direction. But then again, I think most of you that rip apart some of these poor women on here are just bitter, middle aged women that were dumped by there "DH" for something younger and better than you. I guess at least you aren't drowning yourself in a bottle then getting behind the steering wheel of a car. So do whatever makes yourself feel better.
Have to agree. Cheating is never an option. If you truly try everything* and nothing works then get a divorce. But cheating isn't a solution.
* Everything means every last option; talking, arguing, scheduling, counseling, skydiving. Whatever it takes. Everything is not one conversation and some flowers.
I think there are a lot of reasons the sex drive goes down...
new relationships = hot steamy excitement, everything is new. joy of discovering each others bodies, lots of foreplay, making out, how far will it go? its not all about sex, its about getting to know each other
at the start of my relationship with my husband, we lived a few hours apart from each other and only saw each other every 2 weeks on the weekends. that meant that a lot of our time together was spent in bed, because we had 2 weeks to build up the tension
later on in the relationship we actually moved farther apart from each other which meant that our time apart was focused on the talking and communication part of a relationship and then when we saw each other it was more about the sex.
when we moved in together, a few months before the wedding, we probably had sex 3-4 times a week. Now, having lived together for 15months, its usually about twice a week, but we are both very busy. Before the wedding and for the first 6 months of marriage, I wasn't working since I was waiting on a green card, so I had a lot of free time. That meant that we could have a quickie in the morning before he went to work and I could go back to sleep, or I could text him in the afternoon adn tell him i would be waiting in bed when he got home.
now, we are both working full time (sometimes 10-12 hour days) and we have a busy schedule in the evenings. during the week we have to PLAN sex if we want it. on the weekends we are lucky that we can have a longer time to set aside for sex.
how often do you hug your wife? kiss her? hold her hand? those little things also show you love her. do you offer to rub her back after a long day? when was the last time you just made out with her? all of those things show that you care about her pleasure just as much as you do your own.
I think you need to open the lines of communication with your wife. she may not feel as sexy anymore as compared to before having a baby. if you listen to her needs she will start to listen to yours.
good luck
Well I'd stop having sex with you too if I knew that the only reason you were sticking around was for my vag.
What did your wife say when you told her that you are going to have your needs filled somewhere else unless she starts putting out? What did she say when you told her you wanted more sex?
bio
Repeat this to your self: My Wedding Party is made of my family and friends and I should treat them as such.
You think SnailButt is an ass? Oh honey. You haven't seen anything yet.
And the bitter old hags accusation already? This is gonna be fun...
Here's the deal, sweetcheeks. Right or wrong, we can be blunt as a double-edged spoon. Most of us are perfectly happy women. As for me, I'm blunt because I don't like to see people in self-destructive situations, which we see a lot of, and sugarcoating doesn't have a whole hell of a lot of effectiveness.
Also, to answer your little character typing (which is full of fail by the way), I'm 23. My husband is perfectly happy, TYVM, and I'm perfectly fulfilled personally and professionally. So there goes that little theory. Oh, and if my DH wanted to 'dump' me for something much younger, he'd be flirting with statutory.
You may not like bluntness, but it is what it is. You're not exactly coming across as a prince yourself.
Well, we need to know if you've talked to your wife about it, what she said, what her reasons are for it dropping off, if the two of you have discussed going to counseling to get things back on track, are there external stressors that you may not have considered.
Really, there are so many different things that could be at play here. If I were you, I'd as HER what she needs. You can get all the speculation you want from a board but the only one who can really answer you is your wife.
See, it's garbage like this that gets people flamed into next week. A few things:
1) if you come here "trying to find answers to keep from going in the wrong direction," I posit that you have a bad compass. This is a message board, full of people who don't know you, your wife, or the specifics of your relationship. If you're serious about saving your marriage, talk to your wife and go to marriage counseling. If what you're saying in the above quote is that you're thisclose to cheating on your wife, you really are a douchebag.
2) Bitter? Not at all. Middle aged? Possibly--or at least within hailing distance of it. I don't know how that's relevant to any of this, though. In any case, my husband and I are still happily married
3) This: "I guess at least you aren't drowning yourself in a bottle then getting behind the steering wheel of a car. So do whatever makes yourself feel better" makes you look like a petulant and ridiculous 14-year old boy who deserves to be flamed. Seriously--growthefuckup.
Alright Bucko. You want honesty? Well, here ya have it.
1. You're not going to get flamed because you're a man. You're going to get flamed because you're coming across as a sex-crazed, selfish douchecooch.
2. Your generalizations of the sexes is insulting and full of fail.
3. I get why you're not happy about the lack of sex. I do. But quit trying to find a formula and talk to your wife.
3. Do you really need a reason not to cheat? How about this: YOU MADE VOWS OF FIDELITY TO THIS WOMAN. Last I checked, there wasn't a disclaimer of "unless you don't put out as much as I want." That's your reason not to look elsewhere.
4. If you want sex on demand, purchase a hand-held p*ssy or some other masturbatory device. Do NOT cheat on your wife.
5. Talk to your wife. Approach this as a team instead of "my magic formula isn't working!" Trust me, you'll get a hell of a lot further with it.
I think your stereotypes, for both men and women, are insulting. You make it sound like sex is the ONLY thing men need.
Does anyone else think this is MUD?
I'm sorry, I didn't realize that one of my duties as wife is a masturbatory aid.
You have a hand and there's lotion and tissue at the grocery store. Use it.
There's no excuse for cheating on your wife. She doesn't have sex with you? Talk to her about it. Still doesn't? Leave. End of story.
FYI- trying too hard is a total turnoff!!!!! Women can tell when you are doing something to get some, and it comes off as insincere. Consider doing things with no expectations of sex.
And also- you came out dissing TIP- it sounds like you were trying to start something
How on earth is "tell me how to understand women so I don't CHEAT on my wife" working to save a marriage? Unless someone is holding a gun to your head to cheat, there is no excuse for even considering it. 10 bucks says you'd blame her if you did.
TALK TO YOUR FREAKIN' WIFE.
I stopped taking this thread serious after I read what I bolded out. You sound like you already made up your mind, but you want someone to tell you why you shouldn't cheat on your wife(even though you might do it anyway).
Talk to your wife, not all women stop having sex after marrige/having babies, it all depends in the situation she is in. So just talk to her.
Maybe, like us, she can see what a douche you are? I wouldn't want to get down and dirty with a douche, either. And doing the dishes is not going to guartantee that she's going to put out. Last time I checked, marriage was about more than how much sex you have.
You're entire post is insulting. When you married your wife you vowed to stay faithful to her. If you're looking for validation to cheat, you won't get it. At least do your wife and child a favor and leave them before you go trolling for_pussy.
You are a complete douche bag. THAT is why some men cheat. Because they are douche bags. Not because their wife doesn't give it up.
I agree completely. Seriously, there are plenty of toys you can find for your own amusement. Desperation isn't attractive. Not even remotely. Bring your brain back ABOVE your belt, where it belongs, and think about what you promised her on your wedding day. The fact that you are WILLING to consider cheating on her tells me enough about the kind of pond scum you are.
Hmm, I would say 'women' don't stop, your particular wife stopped.
Lots of married people have sex several times a week. I'm a married woman for example, and I have sex with my husband at least a good 3 times a week, sometimes more.Not as much as when our romance was new, because you do get familiar and comfortable with your partner and the stresses of life can tire you out some days, and you know your partner will be there tomorrow, if you know what I mean.
I can imagine your wife doesn't want to have sex with you for one or multiple reasons.
She could not find you sexy anymore.
She could not find Herself sexy anymore.
She could be exhausted.
She could be depressed.
She could be picking up on your 'wanting to cheat' vibe, and it's a turn off.
Bottom line, no one knows except for her, have you asked?
Oh so you want to play? Here we go-
First off have you actually been on TIP? Have you seen the advice that I give out? What exact advice have you seen me give that concretes my status as an ass? I would like for you to explain that statement to me, because your generalizations are full of shiit.
Secondly, I'm not a "bitter middle aged woman," so again your generalization of TIP is wrong. I'm 27 years old, happily married and far from bitter. Oh and for the record you are right I don't "I guess at least you aren't drowning yourself in a bottle then getting behind the steering wheel of a car. So do whatever makes yourself feel better." So you were right about one thing, that's about it. I'm smarter than that, so thanks for not making a generalization about my common sense while you were making assumptions about everything else.
Women come to TIP all the time and we give them honest, straight forward answers to their questions. We are not the puppies and rainbows board and everyone knows that. We give the real advice that everyone else is afraid to give someone. On the other hand, we have had people come to the board that actually need help and we are always quick to help them out when they actually need it. Again If you've actually lurked on our board you would also know all this.
Maybe instead of being a complete douchebag, you should talk to your wife and find out how she feels. Novel idea, right? There could be multiple reasons why you two are not having sex. Maybe you should ask her for help versus talking to a bunch of strangers on the internet.
Actually why did you get married at all? If you just wanted a fvckhole constantly waiting and ready for you, you realize you can pay for those services, right? And that way you wouldn't cheat on your wife, ruin her life and your child's life for that matter. Cheaters always get caught.
You know I love you, right?
Thanks LB!!