Sex & Romance
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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just not that into it...
so me and my hubby have been together since we were teenagers, we now have 3 kids and i am pregnant with our 4th. yes i know we had sex to make that happen, but when we do have it, it is usually just so he can feel better not that i actually want to. he has gotten me toys, tried to get me to watch porn and just nothing really seems to work....i want to, want to have sex......any suggestion.....
Re: just not that into it...
Strive for sophistication...."when we do have sex" not "when we do have it".
Your pregnancy has a lot to do with it -- your hormones are not the same as they are during non-pregnancy.
Keep in mind this is a temporary thing. Perhaps your ob gyn can explain this to you in depth and clue your H in on it also.
i would see your doctor. and again after baby is born if things don't improve,
maybe couseling can help.
try masterbating without your hubby. if you always have sex "for him" youve probably ignored your own stimulators.
You have a desire for the desire.
That is a good place to begin.
You seem to have had a number of kids. This isn't to be offensive, but your body probably isn't what it used to be, and with all those children to look after you probably don't have much time for yourself. In all reality I would say that beyond just the exhaustion of all the children, and not having time for yourself, you're probably not feeling particularly sexy. Personally, regardless of how attractive my man thinks I am and says I am, if I haven't taken at least ten minutes a day to go for a short run, do SOMETHING to make me feel like I'm workin' to make myself LOOK GOOD, I don't feel it, and I won't feel like sex. I know there must be a tremendous amount on your plate, but a treadmill might be a wise investment, or if there is a gym close by. Not only are endorphines great for you, but the knowledge that you're working on self-improvement seems to do wonders for sex frequency and drive.
Granted, this is all assuming you aren't doing the gym/work out thing already...
I am not one for self help books but "The Language of Love" is a book that really changed the way my husband and I express love for each other. The book explains there are 4 types of "languages" people understand love to be; through the book (its a relatively short read) you learn what type you are and your husband learns what type he is.
Conceptually, the book revolves around keeping each other's "love tanks" full by speaking your spouses "love language". When your tank is full, it is easy to want to fill your spouses tank and you move into a postive cycle of love instead of a negative cycle of obligation.
Wow, that all reads a little lame but what we learned is I perfer acts of kindness - helping with the kids, helping around the house, and so on; he perfers physical touch - back rubs, hugs and kisses, affectionate pats etc. When I take the time to give him an extra long hug his little tank fills up a bit and when he get's the baby ready for daycare, mine fills up too and we both feel loved.
I totally agree with JessieL587. I also wanted to add that I was suffering from this same problem without having had any kids. I went to several doctors who told me that my "issue" was all in my head until I met my latest doctor who tested my hormone levels and found out that I was completly out of wack! We tested several birth control pills to find the right hormone combination for my body and she also regulated my vitamin levels. It took about 4 months but I finally feel like my old self!
Do some self evaluation, ask you parents/ friends to watch the kids for a night or two, if it isn't exaustion and it isn't insecurity/body issues talk to your doctor. Good Luck!
I think the problem is that HE is getting the toys, HE is getting the porn, etc. You need to take control of your sexual life! Maybe go to one of the toy stores on your own and get what YOU want, not what HE wants. Trust me, it's really empowering.
Also, don't have sex just because it will make him feel better. That really will only make you feel worse and make you want to do it less.
Plus, you're pregnant. This is a time to chill out about things like that! :-)
I don't know if this is what you were talking about or just similar, but the 5 Love Languages is definitely something I found interesting too. As mentioned, it lays out different ways of expressing love and how people feel loved. Most men need the physical touch - like running your fingers through his hair, etc. - but women often respond to other things, like acts of service (doing dishes) or words of affirmation (for me this one is beyond "I love you" - I love it when my husband tells me how much he appreciates me, i.e. when I cook, or how proud he is of me, i.e. going to graduate school).
A story I have from personal experience is one time I was absolutely NOT interested in sex (I find my sex drive is nonexistent the week before my period), but I wanted to have some special time with my husband. So I told him flat out "I don't want to have sex tonight, but I really want to kiss you" and asked him if he could respect my request not to push it any further. The result was a fantastic makeout session that really had that sort of "high-school" spark. Remember, sexy doesn't always have to mean sex, and especially when you are feeling "obligatory" (I totally get where you are coming from) taking sex out of the picture can lead to a really intimate moment together.
Best of luck, and remember all those reasons you love your hubby!
I am a newly wed and I haven't been that into it much either. I went to a therapist with my husband--it kinda helped--in a way--however she suggested a new OBGYN for me to see. Turns out my problem is that my testosterone and other hormones had depleted because of birth control! Who knew?! Perhaps after your pregnancy have your doctor test you on testosterone and other hormones. She said the lack of testosterone in my body led to a low low low sex drive. I have recently been dioagnosed and am taking the hormone now. She said it could be 3-8 months to be recovered and getting better!
Good luck!
I've been struggling with a similar situation and I think there are probably a lot of things at play but everyone is different so if this continues you should probably see a doctor and a counsellor.
I have also been with my husband since we were teenagers and I think this alone is a factor, being with someone for 10 years (in my case) is wonderful but it tends to put you in a rut at some point, you get comfortable with how you interact, the romance slows and maybe in some ways you have even grown apart. For me I actually came to resent my husband wanting sex because I felt that the only time he showed romantic interest in me is when he wanted to have sex. We tried the toys and all that too but it only made things worse because in the end it was about his needs again and not mine. After many tearful conversations I think we are making improvement, he has really started to be more considerate of me and does little things to show me that he cares. That alone has helped the way I feel towards him and it trickles down to my feelings about sex, no things aren't perfect but it's a start. I think combining little things like that with other suggestions like working on yourself (exercise) could really help. I'm going to take some of the suggestions too!
Good luck!
How often do we know what we want? Guys are easy women are complicated. Everyone should read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" Dr. Laura is great.
Not many women "feel" like sex immediately, but once you focus on your spouse and start to have sex, you discover how much you REALLY enjoy it.
Guys are blessed with that immediate desire for sex and sometimes we women need to give ourselves a push, but I promise that once you do you'll never regret it.
porn=yuck. Studies have shown that pornography actually fills your head with how sex should be and what you should look like and it kind of ruins the intimacy of what you and your spouse have. If you need ideas get a book with cartoons
other books:
"Love and Respect"
"SHEET MUSIC"-personal fave
"The Five Love Languages"
"The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage"
You're not alone. Is this the first time this has happen, or has it been going on a while (pre-baby, etc). I think has a lot to do with it.
For a week, have your husband spend half an hour each day completely focusing on you, doing whatever you want him to do for you - back rub, foot rub, washing your hair in the tub, painting your toenails, etc.
The next week, you do the same for him. I haven't tried this myself, but it seems like I've heard it several times from different sources, so it may be helpful.
Jess & Adam, married 2009, precious Audrey born in 2011. BFP 1/6/13, MMC discovered at 9 wks 2/11/13. Baby stopped growing at 6 wks. D&C 2/18/13.
i pretty much understand what you're feeling, although, i'm a little different. my husband and i just got married 2months ago. i was a virgin up until that point, so obviously, i've got some things to get used to. but i'm so upset because i am just not that interested in sex. i want to have it because he enjoys it, and frankly you can give a guy good sex and he'll be such a better husband to you, the majority of the time. anyway, i enjoy making my husband happy in that way, but i just don't enjoy it, at all. i like knowing that when we have sex, it helps our marriage become better. but i have no desire at all. i'm only 28. this is not good. lol
i suggest, which is what i'm going to do, talking to your gyno/family doc or a sexual psychologist to see if there may be something deeper. i have suffered from depression, anxiety, ibs, take birth control, and a bunch of other things, so there may be something deeper to your lack of desire as well. and maybe you're just not experiencing love in your way, so you don't really feel like giving love back. the five love languages, as other girls have suggested, really is a great book. so is love & respect and sheet music. great books.
I can totally relate to this post. My situation is a bit different in that I don't have any children, and I'm not pregnant. I never had this problem before but this last year and half or so, nothing. I've been to the doctor but there was no set solution, I have no drive whatsoever and the hardest part is trying to do it to make my husband happy because I'm just not in the mood.
I've been on birth control and off it for months at a time and nothing seems to change the way I feel. I really wish I wanted to have sex but I have yet to find a 'solution'.
It's good to know that I'm not the only one with this issue.
There are a number of things that can kill your sex drive.
1. Stress - you have lots to worry about with a house full of kids
2. Hormones are huge. If you are pregnant, that can knock out your sex drive. If you are on the pill between pregnancies, that can also do it.
3. Feeling unattractive because of the stupid pressure this society puts on women to be perfect. Take time for yourself to be healthy. That can mean taking steps to reach a healthy weight - when you are ready. Yo have a lot going on in your life. Also be careful -starving yourself can also cause problems with your sex drive. If you carry too little body fat, you will not have enough testosterone. Low testosterone in women lowers their sex drive. It is not the skinny women actually that have the highest drive, it is women with a few extra pounds due to this hormone. Bring on the Hagen Das !
4. You said your husband tried to get you to watch porn ? Does that bother you ? Do you feel threatened by your husband's interest in this ?Sometimes porn can turn women on but it can also turn them off.
5. How is the rest of your relationship going ? Do you have time for each other in non sexual ways ? Do you feel that you get enough support from your husband. You should remind your husband that the best aphrodisiac is a vacuum cleaner. This is real science - honest !
I hope you sort this out. Hang in there ... this stuff is temporary.
Love from Canada
Another book that could be useful to read is:
Rekindling Desire: A Step by Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages
Written by: Barry and Emily McCarthy
I know this is going to sound weird to most people, but it is widely practiced in some religious communities and the women who do this really rave about it. The religious practice has lots of spiritual meaning etc, but I'm posting a secular-friendly friendly version that focuses just on the sex.
The idea is basically this: for the days of your period and one whole week after, you are absolutely not allowed to have sex. So if your period finished (completely, no cheating, no spotting) on a Wednesday evening (counting from just before sunset), you wait until next Wednesday evening fore you can have sex.
Then, on the evening when you are finally "allowed" to have sex again (7 days after your period ended), you take time out, alone, to have a total pampering session. You clean everything: you pluck, you scrub, you exfoliate, you shave, you wax, you soak, you clean out your ears, you do your nails. The works.
The advantages/effects are as follow: you spend 2 weeks without sex pressure. So you can build on your relationship in non-sexual ways without thinking about whether the other wants to have sex, because even if they do, well, it isn't happening.
It also builds up sexual tension. After two weeks of being "forbidden", you are more likely to want to have sex, because you are finally allowed. Many women describe it as feeling "like a bride again, every month".
Also, since you are all soft, and clean, and groomed, you feel great about yourself, and your DH can look forward to seeing you glowing and smiling and rejuvenated.
Since the OP is pregnant, the whole period thing is obviously obsolete, and I know lots of other women are most aroused during their period, so why not choose 2 other weeks, but always at the same time, so the division is always clear. Then there are at least 2x a month when you are more up for it - when the "allowed" period has started, and when it is about to end.