Sex & Romance
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: just not that into it...
We've been dealing with this since our DD was born almost a year ago. When the pregnancy started, my drive was just fine, and although it eased off, this was OK with both of us (after months of on-the-calendar babymaking, plus some fun recreational sex off the clock, we were both ready for a little down time!) But it never came back. We moved back from an overseas assignment about 3 months after I gave birth, so between new baby and packing/unpacking, there wasn't much time or energy (though we rallied a few times, and quickly learned that stimulation + lactation = letdown. Bring a sense of humor and a lot of towels into the bed and you'll be fine.)
After the move, when DD was about 8 months old, I finally found a good gyn/women's health specialist, who did some bloodwork and found very low testosterone levels, as well as vitamin D levels so low I could have had rickets. A new birth control pill and some vitamin supplements and I'm feeling better, but the drive isn't nearly what it used to be. I used to actively want it just for me, and now at best I want to want it because DH enjoys it so much more when I'm into it. Body issues and exercise factor in here, but so does sheer exhaustion - given the choice of activities involving our bed and half an hour, I'd much rather sleep! (I work long hours at a high-stress job; DH is a SAHD.)
But we keep working on it, because it's important to both of us. I really would recommend looking for a good doctor - it's not an overnight fix, but she should be able to help you a lot, or recommend therapy or other things if that's called for.
And I am completely against using porn to improve your sex life, no matter what the situation. The images that stick w/ me from it (and blve me I don't want them to) is that very few times the focus was on the woman and her enjoyment (and I wouldn't be surprised if your H or someone else might use that to try to justify it) BUT it was ONLY happening when she was doing something to someone else. So in most situations the focus is about what the girl can do for the guy, so he gets off. Hmm...sound familiar?
It's substituting real, true, intimacy with your spouse for something / someone else. And it's not real. If he's adding it to your joint sex life, I'd be worried he's checking it out when you're not around. That means he's just as / more interested in something / someone else than he is you. To me, that's like saying it's OK for my H to go get a prostitute even though he's married to me and can get all he wants at home!
Also...I'm not a B*$#@, just one who hasn't always been able to speak up that now can - and doesn't hold back! Your situtation may not be just like mine was, I'm not saying it is. There's just some red flags that I wish I'd been able to recognize back then, if only someone had pointed them out....
Hi Ladies, I know I'm a little late to the conversation and a little new to the Nest boards. But, I was actively seeking posts such as this one. I've been married almost five months. I love my husband, I am attracted to him, and I love to have sex with him...when we're actually having sex. But, it's difficult and sometimes downright impossible for me to get in the mood. It's been this way for quite some time. Even before the wedding. We blamed the planning process and our different work schedules. (He works 11am-11pm and I work 8am-5pm)
I find the suggestion that birth control can deplete your testosterone to be interesting. I never considered that option. I'll be giving my Gyn a call and seeing about that.
Thanks, ladies, for such a broad range of possibilities that I might not have considered. Hopefully I can now be on my way to jumping his bones every night when he walks in the door!!
You bring up a very good point to the discussion. For a period of time after the baby and since the wedding in October 2009, I was not that into sex either. I would basically do it just for him and as a result I noticed that I was not benefitting from the experience. One age old trick that helped me was sending the baby to her grandparents and having date night with the hubby...oh and a glass or two of wine to loosen me up a bit. I will tell ya that did the trick for me. I know I am not fully back to pre-baby sex habits but I am gradually getting there.