Grand Rapids Nesties
jillianmb
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Hot topic: not having kids- selfish or not?
One of my DH's friends was talking to him yesterday about how she struggles w/ the idea of having kids. She says she doesn't really want them (she is married- I don't know what her DH thinks), but she feels guilty about it too since our faith tradition has a big emphasis on family life.
Anyway, I was just wondering what you ladies thought. Is it selfish to not have kids (on purpose- not talking about infertility)? Is it a fair choice? Does it depend?
TTC September 2010 thru October 2011
SA February 2011: Normal
RE App. October 2011 - Recc. Clomid and IUI
Taking a break from TTC to pursue adoption
Met our 2 year old son in Russia July 2012!
Court trip October 2012
Home November 24 2012!
adoption blog: addingaburden.com
Re: Hot topic: not having kids- selfish or not?
It's a fair choice. Given her faith, I can see why she struggles with it.
I really think that having children is not for everyone. There is nothing wrong with that at all.
I think it is more selfish to have kids because that is what you are "supposed to do" when you are married.
I think it is important that people contribute to society in someway, whether it is raising a child that with good morale, values, etc that will be a good member of soceity in the future (hopefully), volunteering with social agencies, helping out eldery, playing an important role in another's child's life, treating the earth well, etc. Contributions can be time or money and made now or later in life.
I think it is a totally fair choice and not selfish. I feel like that whole "selfish" piece is often thrown around by parents trying to make those who choose to remain child-free feel guilty. It really bothers me.
It could be said that having children is the actually the more selfish choice because more people=more consumption.
In the end, I think everyone should make their own choice for what makes them happy and not have to be judged for it.
Agreed. It's totally a fair choice to make.
One of my cousins complained that another realtive doesn't like/has a hard time tolorating kids. My response. "Do you see him having kids?"
I was raised in a culture of get married young and have a large family. I see people struggle that really don't want kids, but felt pressured into it for social reasons. I think their kids suffer as well - even if they don't intend on that happening.
Parenting is hard - it's not for everyone. Being successul in a career is hard, and not for everyone. Balancing work and children is hard as well. It's up to everyone to make the right decision for themself, and what makes them function.
If everyone was supposed to do the same thing, we'd all be SAHM to 2 kids while our husbands were doctors. What kind of society would that be?
I don't understand this arguement at all, but then again I don't come from that sort of religious background.
I don't know how not having kids could possibly be seen as a selfish decision. I seriously don't understand how anyone could even argue that.
It's not selfish to not want or have children. Why bring a child into this world when you know you didn't want to have kids, might not have the means to provide for them, etc. I chose not to have children of my own. I know that I do not have the patience for them for 24/7. I like my me time, traveling and going places when I want to, etc. I do not like having the sole responsibility of another human being. Some call it selfish, some don't. I don't care what other people think. I have made my decision and someone can choose to accept it or not, but it doesn't make me a different person than anyone else. I totally love children but don't want my own. I spoil my friends kids and nieces and nephews and I like doing that and it's cheaper than having my own child. I love step daugthers and get a long great with them. Their mom has full custody and we get them time to time. I like to do things with them, but they are also self sufficient when it comes to entertaining themselves, getting dressed, eating, etc. They are there to see their dad and me, but mainly it's time for them to hang out and spend time with Dad. I do things witth them and get them stuff etc, but then they go back to their mom who is soley responsible for them. Does this make sense?
I think it would be unfair to the child if you had one for the wrong reason.
Yes that does make sense. Thanks for sharing your story- I was hoping someone would have personal experience w/ this choice. Can I ask did you always know you didn't want kids or was it a decision you made based on other factors in life?
TTC September 2010 thru October 2011
SA February 2011: Normal
RE App. October 2011 - Recc. Clomid and IUI
Taking a break from TTC to pursue adoption
Met our 2 year old son in Russia July 2012!
Court trip October 2012
Home November 24 2012!
adoption blog: addingaburden.com
My experience with that argument is that one is too concerned with one's own priorities and preferences to devote the time, energy, and sacrifice necessary for raising kids.
As a sidenote, I have an aunt and uncle who chose to be childfree and my mom was always talking about how selfish it was of them to not have kids. Ironically, they have become role models to me. When I see them, all I can think about is how great their lives are and how many interesting things they have to talk about. Travel is a huge priority for them and they even lived in Hawaii for several years. My aunt is a college librarian, too, so we always talk about books.
I'm sure there are several different arguements - for some religions families are "meant to have" children's - it's God's way. If you don't want that because you don't want to "deal" with kids, then you are "selfish". Or for people who want to to focus on careers, travel, not being tied down, then they are selfish for not wanting to give their time money etc.
But honestly - 99% of the times I have heard "selfish and not wanting to have children" used in the same sentence it has been by the people not wanting to have children, not people who have children or think people should have children. I hear all the time - We don't want kids because we like to be able to travel, sleep in late, etc, etc....I guess I'm just selfish like that". I don't think I have ever heard a person who kids say "so and so is selfish because they don't have kids" - I'm sure some people do think that, but it's not a common agreement or thought among those with families.
Just wanted to comment that I like this language. "choosing to be childfree" doesn't give the idea of not liking children like "didn't want kids" does. I am going to change my language when I address this issue now. Thanks!
TTC September 2010 thru October 2011
SA February 2011: Normal
RE App. October 2011 - Recc. Clomid and IUI
Taking a break from TTC to pursue adoption
Met our 2 year old son in Russia July 2012!
Court trip October 2012
Home November 24 2012!
adoption blog: addingaburden.com
I completely agree with this. Even before we had a child of our own, I used this same argument. Now that I have one, I don't use it at all. I think it spurs from those that are actually feeling the pressure. :shrug:
I've used it to describe why I don't want kids right now, but it's not meant to be as negative as it sounds and I certainly wouldn't use it to describe other people who decide not to have kids since I have no idea what their reasons are.
I've said it to describe my reasons in just that - I want our free time for the two of us right now, our finances split between the two of us, etc. So the fact that right now I don't wish to share our world with a child could be defined as selfish I suppose. We're mainly just not currently interested in the commitment and responsibility and uncertainty of having kids - whether someone defines that as selfish or not, I don't really care.
DH & I got back and forth on this topic. He of course already has one from a previous relationship and we raise his son together. So in most cases I am Mom.
The choice to have one of or own though is different. Part of me feels that I will never really understand or have that " I'm a Mom" feeling without going through all the " normal " steps. I can't say that we are going to have a child together and I can't say that we are not. There are days when I look at my niece and nephew and think WOW I want to do that. However there are also days that I'm OK being the Cool Aunt.
Is it selfish not to? I would say no. Some people are ment to be parents and they are GREAT at it, but there are a lot of parents that are not. I'm not saying you would suck at it but I know people who had kids b/c that's what they were suppose to do and while they love their kids I don't know if they enjoy life in that role.
When I was younger I said I was never having kids. My mom told me that was very selfish of me. SHE wanted grandkids. THAT is selfish.
I thought that I wanted children when I was younger. As I have gotten older, I have felt more prevalent about it. I went through a lot of traumatic experiences as a child and as a teenager. I have anger in me and didn't have good parents as models for parenting so I have decided it's best for not me to be a parent. I also don't like how some people are always popping out kids (like women on welfare who have like 5 kids, etc.) who cannot support them, but yet they are driving around with better stuff that me and wearing better stuff than me, Free government money. I have been in a situation where I didnt have medical insurance for over 5 years and guess what I made too much money. My health insurance carrier now doesn't cover birth control or tubal ligitation (if that is how you say it). I am practically throwing myself at them saying I want something permanent but you don't cover it. So you and the government will pay for all these loser parents and kids, and I am making the conscious decision not to have kids, but you won't help me. Hmmmm see the drift here? Sorry for such a long explanation.
I wholeheartedly agree with both of these statements.
this
this
My adopted parents acted like this and thought that we were a bothersome. Then why adopt kids? !!!!!
OK, you owe me royalties for using the cowbell to show your wholehearted agreement. And damn you for finding the coolest one yet!
LOL!
I can't look at it and not laugh.
(Sorry for the distraction; I really do think this is an important topic.
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I agree with the comment about childless couples using the "selfish" phrase more than those who are doing the asking.
If you don't want kids, don't have them. You can't return them like a pair of uncomfortable shoes... they are yours for life
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