Sex & Romance
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Re: No sex
To answer some questions...
- No, she's not cheating on me. For one, I don't think she's that kind of person, but more practically, I can't see how she would have had the opportunity. As I've said, she has a job, and if she were cheating on me with anyone there...well, then her standards have dropped precipitously.
- She is also not gay.
- I have not cheated on her in the past, nor would I in the future. That's not our issue.
- I do not see myself ever developing a pornography "addiction." I don't know where women get this belief that porn is like crack, but it isn't, in my experience. Again, speaking only for myself here (obsessions with porn is not a typical locker room conversation), I've always preferred the real thing to my right hand and a computer screen. Being addicted to porn sounds like being addicted to ramen and government cheese. You don't love the stuff, but it's the only thing available...
- She has never vocalized that she feels pressured for sex. We've been together a long time (we were together a while before getting married), and I've never complained to her, prior to these two conversations, about sex. I've never announced we were having sex, or made clear that sex was to happen on a particular evening. Without divulging any trade secrets, I'll put my moves on, and if she shuts it down, that's the end of it. Frankly, I don't want to have sex with someone who is not 100% willing, or who treats it like a chore. Generally speaking, I usually attempt to have sex with her now once every two weeks or so. It used to be more often, but even then it was about once a week. This is not something I'm chasing her around the house for. She mentioned, in fact, that my lack of initiating had hurt her self-esteem. I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around this, however.
- Prior to the SSRI treatment, she was on Depo for a long time (probably too long). I understand that can affect things too, and yes, sex was limited there as well. Before that, however, sex was plentiful, spontaneous, and enjoyable. I think underneath it all she's got a healthy sex drive, but medication has robbed her of that for quite some time. There was a gap between the Depo and the SSRI, and that person was reincarnated.
- She does not suffer from depression, but rather anxiety. If my wife were disabled and incapable of having sex, then clearly I would have no such expectation of her. However, she is capable of having sex, so I do not see the relevance.
- I did not threaten divorce, however, I did tell her that I did not believe this marriage would work in the long term if this persisted. The distinction is important.
Thanks for all the responses.
I am glad you guys talked about it as well. I wanted to say something because I am going through a similar situation with my husband. I am your wife in the picture. I got really stressed out after we were married because my husband was in school full-time and I was the sole bread-winner. I got a job that I hated but he got tuition remission from me working at the school where he attended so I couldn't exactly quit when he was going to school for free. I ended up resenting him for this. Also, I began enjoying sex less and less and then it became a chore. We are still working on this problem now. Communication is key in this issue.
You need to take a look at the situation objectively and see if there might be anything you're doing or not doing that might add to her stress. Obviously telling her the no sex thing might lead to divorce is only going to add stress and anxiety to her life which isn't going to help your sex life at all. She might not enjoy the sex with you because it has gotten monotonous. You might want to talk to her about different positions or just focusing in on her so she doesn't have to worry about pleasing you. Make sex fun and not another item that she has to check off on her list.
I really does sound like, though, there more latent issues there. Counseling is definitely good because for some reason it is easier to get your problems out when a third party is there with you than when it is just the two. Good luck with everything.
It sounds to me like you are handling this for the most part in a very compassionate way -- I would be seriously cranky if I were in your situation! I think what you said about the marriage not working out long-term if the current situation persists was right on, assuming you presented it reasonably gently, which it sounds like you did.
What I said about depression/SSRIs calling for therapy I think applies to any mental disorder/any psychoactive medication. It sounds like you still have a lot of affection for her and that you are a thoughtful, perceptive person. I agree with the previous poster that you need to be able to look at her illness just as you would a physical illnesses, but that does not trump your need to have a marriage you can live with.
Your wife can feel "pressured for sex" even if the pressure is not coming from you. It is a cultural expectation that married people have sex, so she might feel she is letting you down, and that she "should" be having more sex with you, regardless of what you have said or done.
I wonder what your wife would say if you showed her what you wrote here, and people's responses, and your responses. She might initially be upset, but it might be a starting point for more conversation about moving forward. Again, good luck!
I am a 20-something female who has been married for almost 3 years, but we have been together almost 9 and I am on SSRI medications, have been for 7 years now because I have anxiety (mine is an on-going panic attack situation). I have been on several different medications to "try out" which one worked for me and had the smallest amount of side effects. The only time I have felt that I didn't have a sex drive was when I was depressed b/c of how things were going in my life, it can be hard not being able to control fear. Even then, if I wasn't in the mood, I know that my husband has needs and sex isn't just an act of getting off, it is something that bonds you, very intimate. So I would still engage in sex with him even if I wasn't in the mood because I would be within a few minutes of getting started.
I can't imagine being with someone who doesn't want to be intimate. It isn't just the fact that you aren't having sex, it can make you feel like you are undesirable or in a loveless relationship, especially when we live in a society where sex is everywhere so it is a constant reminder that you aren't getting it. I think that this SSRI thing is an excuse. I have talked to a lot of women who just don't like sex. Period. It has nothing to do with medications, it just isn't their thing. I don't know why they would be like that, but that's the way they like things and I am sure their boyfriends/husbands feel the same way as you do.
Maybe she is using the medication as an excuse. If she didn't have a sex drive, there comes a point when you compromise for your partner, and/or you want to be intimate with that person. I know you don't want to hear this, but maybe she doesn't like the way you are intimate with her. So many men are so certain about their sex techniques that they never question that factor or can make every sex session exactly the same: same go-to positions, pace, foreplay, etc. For her it may be easier to blame it on meds than to just tell you what she wants.
Regardless of the reasoning, if she isn't willing to compromise and find some solution, I think it is clear that she doesn't care for your feelings or needs and she may never. She may be showing the "real her" after the marriage. It is like a job interview when dating but then when married, the person you are stuck with appears. It happens sometimes. If she doesn't care about you, then I'd find someone else who did. After divorce (of course).
in my marriage I was not big into sex, we had sex before marriage, and stopped when we got engaged (big relief to me, cus to be honest it hurt and I was too scared of getting pregnant) after the wedding, It was still awkward for me. DH and I got into big fights about it, I managed to do other things to keep him happy. nearly 7 months after the wedding we dont really have sex that often.
though for me its getting to the point where I want it, just always seems to be bad timing and we are both super tired at the end of the day.
I avoided talking about it, or I would try and go to sleep earlier just so we would avoid a fight...didn't work half the time. One of the reasons why I want to start having sex more, is some of my best friends just started having kids, and they have said that sex after (mentally and sometimes physically) isnt the same. and I do hope maybe next yr to have a kid...SO I want us to be like those typical movie newly weds where we just can't keep our hands off each other, I want to do it in wired and crazy places before we have to tone it down and can't really get time together once we have kids (who wants to be doing the deed on the kitchen floor when their kids are home/ and or coming home from school!
another reason why I wasnt big into sex (mind you I am still working on it) is cus I just dont feel sexy. I gained like 5 pounds ish since the wedding and I feel like I look like a cow. DH loves me no matter what- BUT I feel so gross when my jeans don't even fit.
If you love your wife as much as you say you do...Divorce isn't a choice I think at least. Yes I agree you need to be physical to keep a happy marriage. But try counseling, and keep talking to her about until she really gets your point of view. Or tell her straight up, that this is getting to the point where you just can't take it, and if shes not willing to work on your physical relationship, with you helping to work on it too...that you just might consider separating. (scare her into bed with you!
kidding)
I told DH that I like romance(which seems like your trying) I like candles and I love the idea of how romantic sex is in the movies....
Hi! Ok you are going through a lot and I do hope it'll work out for you. In a way, I can understand what you're going through.
Having just been married myself I can understand the stress level one goes through and I found the best way was to include others. Same thing applies and saying. I think what she is telling you is she needs time and she needs for you to be there and perhaps to retract to small but meaningful things until she is ready to move onto the next thing.
Where to start? You know her body language and how are you at reading it? How are you asking her questions? Is it, "I am open to suggestions." or "This is how it is and that's it." Women do interpret things differently and communication is key. Perhaps ask to help her with an errand, get her a card that isn't in overkill, watch a program with her that you can agree on. Sometimes a smile works wonders. Above all else, read the language/vibes she is giving off! If she has the look on her face that says, "Leave me alone." ask if she needs a minute.
With a little patience, this can work.
Best of luck!
Sarah
Before my hubby and I were married I read this book called For Women Only, I learned a lot about men, and how important sex and respect are to a man. There's one called For Men Only as well that helps men understand women. My husband took it to Iraq with him, some of the guys made fun of him until they started reading it.
I think it's awesome that you are trying so hard to work this out, not a lot of men would do that. If you make it through this and figure out what the heart of the issue is then she could be the woman that offers you all the love and respect you could ever ask for the rest of your life.
this is such a tough conversation for the woman. I would first suggest the book set "for couples only" by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn. These books were unbelievable for us! Women honestly want to feel close with their partner before they have sex, and men need to have sex to feel close with partner. Its unreal to see how differently men and women think and these books put it all out there.
Besides that, I think you really need to sit her down and have her put her ego aside to listen to what you are trying to tell her. You both have needs. And a great marriage will allow you to fulfill each others needs. And if she's not willing to listen to what you need as a man and as a husband, you need to seek harsher alternatives. Also, if she's not willing to work at something that truly bothers you, thats not what anyone wants in a life long commitment. Good Luck sir! and Props to you!
Wow there are lot's of judgemental women on this site that don't understand what you are going through and I'm sorry for that. I really feel for you because I was in a smiliar situation where the man I was married to didn't want to have sex. We were together for 9 years and married for 4. We for sure went through dry spells, but then the spells became longer. After 6 months of no sex I had a heart to heart on my unsatisfaction and asked for counseling and was shut out. At 9 months, the same amount of time it takes to have a child (how ironic?!), was my breaking point.
All of the people closest to me suggested if I deemed my marriage salvagable I should exhaust all opportunities. I begged for counseling, I begged for him to see a doctor and he would do neither. He said he would continue to frequent strip clubs and watch porn to "try to get the urge back". At that point there was nothing more I could do. This was not just a problem about sex, there were many other issues. In my book I'd exhausted all options and divorce was the only option left. I did't want a life without kids, without love and feeling like the most unattractive women that walked the earth. I didn't want to be faced with being a cheater and cheapening the love that I deserved. So divorce was it. In NO WAY am I suggesting this is the only option. What I do suggest is that you exhaust all options. Do your very best to know deep in your heart that you gave it your all. If you simply can't get your relationship where it needs to be. It's not the end of the world. Your life will surely go on, but at least you will know deep down that you gave it your all and you did the right thing.
Now I am happily married again and I appreciate my husband on a whole new level. Had I met him before I would've avoided a lot of pain, but I would never have appreciated him to the extent I do now. Those experiences made me who I am and I am very greatful for that. Sending you a virtual hug and wishing you success. Just do the right thing as you can only control your own actions.
Best,
M
A lot of little things to say here....
For awhile I felt the same way as your wife when my husband wouldn't initiate sex, or would do so infrequently. I felt like I was always the one to have to initiate it which made it feel like a chore almost, or the only way for us to have to sex. It also made me feel like he didn't want me as much; as much before we were married. This was not the case. I brought this up to him and we've resolved it.
I know it can be confusing, just as men and their view on sex can sometimes be confusing to us. If you initiate too much (or at least from a woman's point of view, and not a man's) she thinks that's all you want. You don't want her, you don't want to spend time, or just be intimate without the sex (cuddling, stroking each others skin and hair and face, the list goes on), all you want is sex for sex.
On the other hand if you don't do it enough, it makes her feel like you DON'T want her, or that HER problem is throwing you off.
People are complicated. We are individuals (which is further distinguished between the sexes) with our own EVERYTHING; our own problems, our own sources of problems, our own issues, our own views, interpretations etc. What I can give you is different ideas. It's up to you to try them out. These are not one time experiments. Like with most things, you need to give it a bit of time because it might not happen in an instant. Women are emotional beings and who knows what went on in her day (even if it was small) that could make her even the slightest bit unresponsive.
When you initiate sex, perhaps do it in the softest way possible; I mean that literally and metaphorically. Do things that are light; light touches, light kisses etc. Then work your way up. This will help you feel her out so to speak. See if she's in the mood. If she's not after all that, ask her what would. Ask her gently (this is very important especially since she can get defensive about the subject as a whole). You don't want to start a fight and you're not trying to push her to have sex. You just want to know. This way your communicating to her WHILE ASKING her what she needs and wants. This is a perfect opportunity to find out what WILL work, even with the meds. But don't put the moves on her and let that be the end of it if she 'shuts you down'. Try putting the moves on her even after she denies you and let her know you're doing it, not for sex, but to be intimate (intimate does not mean sex, it means being close) and loving. And certainly don't try once every 2 weeks. At the very least I would suggest 1-2 times a week. Not too irritating, and not to neglectful.
As for the SSRI treatment, I have to say that I don't like the sound of any of it. I looked this up and most of what I found says its to help treat depression, depression relapses, and second; to help anxiety. It makes me wonder why her doctor put her on this AND why he basically insisted that she stay on it. It seems very severe. If her only problem is anxiety there are other options, even some natural herbal remedies (St. John's Wort, hell, even tea!).
You mentioned that she has had a new boss for while now. While I don't discount that she might still have at least a little anxiety, I don't see why she is still using it (or work in general) as an excuse to still use medication. Again, since she gets a bit defensive on the subject, talk with her calmly and tactfully about how your lives have changed (for instance, the new boss and therefore lack of stress and anxiety), and suggest going off the meds with her ("with her" makes her feel like she's not alone, and quite honestly, if she does go off them YOU will be the one affected by however her body and emotions change). While she's off the meds make sure she's well occupied and having fun. I can't imagine what its like to go off a medication like that, but doing things with her, especially fun things, will keep her mind occupied and not thinking about the medication or excuses to go on them again. Plus, you'll be spending time together, and possibly even helping her self-treat her anxiety. Sometimes she might just need to get out of the house and have a fun date night. An active body should help her be more intimate (activities are both mentally and physically stimulating). I know you said it wasn't a HUGE problem, but that it was still infrequent when she was in between meds, which in my mind wouldn't solve the problem a whole heck of a lot. The point of all this is to get back to how you two used to be. Before the meds (which seem to be the biggest problem).
My husband and I do a lot of activities together. At home we snuggle on the couch watching a favorite show, play video games. Outside we'll see a movie, have dinner, go bowling, just drive around listening to music, walk on the boardwalk. Any one of these activities can randomly and suddenly turn us on. A seemingly normal, relaxed, non-romantic (or at least not purely romantic) activity can turn into a wonderful fun romantic lead up to race back home or to the bedroom. The point here is that none of these activities promote sex. But if it turns into that, the fact that the previous activity was just you two having fun together and not expecting sex, makes it all that much better. Maybe if she does feel pressured (for whatever reason) doing these activities will get her thinking that everything isn't just about sex, or lack thereof. She won't think that these activities are your constant nagging ploy to get her into bed. She'll associate them with just spending time with you, that you care, appreciate and cherish her. That you do love her, still have fun with her (even without the sex), and that you don't want just sex from her (not that I'm saying that's all you want, as you've made clear), you want to spend time with her, work on the issues, and just spend your lives together, just....being.
Uh, false...the guy has tried hard to get her to put forth an effort on something that's very important to him. He's communicated this to her and in many ways. Over two years she has not worked on fixing this very important thing. It's beyond frustrating.
Fact is, if this was any other common source of marital tension - child care, excessive drinking, emotional neglect, too much time with friends - I think everyone would be on his side. When you marry someone you're committing to satisfy their emotional and physical needs for the rest of your life. How selfish is it to enter into the union and refuse to try?
First, I have to say that you should not feel guilty about feeling this way. I think you are giving up a little easy but you are also perfectly entitled to feel this way because sex should be a perfectly normal part of every marriage and I think sometimes women underestimate this. I think sometimes men also enderestimate this.
I definitely think you should judge whether or not you are willing to divorce your wife over her willingness to sympathize with you. If she is truly in the state that she needs to take medications or other therapy that is going to lessen her sexual desire, you BOTH need to recognize that and deal with it from that angle. Also, you must admit that it may be something you are or are not doing. Perhaps she senses that you are getting to that point where you don't have sympathy for her situation which is going to have the effect of making you less worthy or her struggle to fix this problem.
Make sure you have made it clear to her about how important this is to you. If you don't see any change in time, let her know that this is a deal breaker for you. As a woman, I'd rather know up front how you are feeling that find out 2-6 months into the problem when you've already given up.
A rule for marriage: If you are having a problem with your mate,make your issue clear as glass to them and then give them the opportunity to fix whatever it is that's going wrong WITH YOU!
It's sad that you feel unloved because of the lack of sex. I take SSRI's and my husband and I have gone through "spells" of little to no sex. It really effects your sex drive, but you don't get put on these meds for a little stress. You should try couples counseling. My husband and I went for a while and now go few and far between because we have learned from it how we can work through these things.
I have another friend, her husband is on these meds. He has lost his sex drive and she is feeling quite similar to your feelings. I have told her time and time again, it's not that we love you less. It truly makes a weak sex drive. I don't know if sex is the way we tell each other we love each other, but there are so many other ways to show it also. Instead of hustling her off the meds, which she obviously feels she needs if she isn't getting off them, you guys should find other ways to say I love you. It can be silly (I just bought my husband an insane lego set, he's a computer nerd man), or it can be more serious like flowers, etc.
Have you set a scene that you want to be followed through? She also may not be feeling very sexy, which can be a huge threat to a woman. My hubby had enough and told me he felt I didn't love him before we started the trip to getting back on our feet in the love department. We have been together 8 yrs and never hang up without saying I love you. We still hold hands like grade school kids and he will pick me a flower on a walk and my heart flutters. Things like this have made me want to be back in the bedroom, not feeling like I need to so our marriage doesn't fail.
Be strong for her and yourself. You guys can overcome this.
I have severe anxiety. I tried SSRI's and they totally knocked down my drive to do anything..work...school..hobbies and sex!
Have her go to counseling for this on her own (and see a sex therapist together). The counselor can teach how to manage the anxiety herself. She needs to learn how to control her thought process and learn some breathing techniques and actually put them to work (this is the hardest part). They can also prescribe her benzodiazepines for when she really needs it.
Good luck!
There seems to be a lot of anti-med opinions here that are at best personal opinions or one experience. I have to tell you, they work like a dream for me. I feel normal and I have a normal range of emotions when I'm on them. When I'm off I'm sad and tired all the time. There isn't really a difference in how often I want sex.
These medications are sort of understood but not entirely; they're not understood enough to predict exactly how each person will react to them. All that's know is that they have an effect, and that effect can be good.
Anxiety can be related to depression. If something in your life triggers anxiety that lasts a long time, depression can result. Or if something triggers depression, anxiety can result. Different meds are generally used depending on whether the depression or the anxiety came first.
If it's the primary care physician who did this I would strongly recommend a referral to a real psychiatrist who knows more about how these drugs work and when they should be used. It sounds almost like her doctor is doing the old fashioned pump-her-fulla-valium trick but with a different drug. :P
Also -- please, please get off this silly message board and talk to a doctor. All these opinions and scare stories won't help your wife find the treatment she needs.
Hi, forgive me if this drags on but you just described me and an issue that I've been struggling with! WHEN YOU DESCRIBED YOUR WIFE< YOU DESCRIBED ME A FEW MONTHS AGO!!. I take SSRI's for anxiety and I never want to have sex. You seem to be getting a lot of "sex doesn't equal love" comments and I kind of agree but I do feel that there should be intimacy. I think we women often make the mistake of thinking men just want "sex". We forget that men have feelings, that men can feel rejected and neglected. It is not just about sex it is about an intimate connection. When I began taking these meds, I lost my sex drive. I wondered what was wrong with me, my husband is very attractive, he's super good to me, we were newlyweds...but only had sex about once a month. I was embarrassed to talk about it so when the topic came up like your wife I would get very defensive. Finally my husband came to me and was very honest about his feelings, he chose his words very carefully saying "I feel..." instead of "you make me feel" or "you don't do...." Bottom line is I realized how our lack of intimacy was affecting him, he felt I didn't find him attractive, interesting, etc., he felt unloved, he wondered if I felt I made a mistake in marrying him (since this was around the time we were first married). I spoke to my psychiatrist about this, even though I was so embarrassed to talk to him about my sex life. The SSRI's were doing their job and I felt great, I was happy, and because of that, I WANTED to want to have sex.....By your message I feel like maybe your wife is on the wrong med or dose or needs actual therapy because she doesn't seem happy. Anyway I started taking Wellbutrin in addition to the other med, it's been a month and I don't feel an increase in my drive but I'm not avoiding sex at all costs anymore! It's a start. I know you said it sounds silly or you don't want her to do it if it seems like a chore, scheduling sex sounds weird but it forces you to get back on the horse so to speak. When we scheduled sex, I was not looking forward to it and I even felt awkward when we got to it, but once I shut my brain off and just enjoyed being with my husband it was great. I felt closer to him, I felt connected. Another thing that really helped me is we took the pressure off. Baby steps....we agreed that holding hands, cuddling, kissing, touching did not mean we were going to have sex, we could do all that and begin to feel that intimacy again, because for me it got to the point that I avoided any physical affection because I thought it would lead to sex which I was so not in the mood for! Perhaps this is why your wife wanted to spend V. day with a big group instead of on a date with you. She is trying to avoid putting herself in a situation where she's going to reject you again. We women are crazy, even when we don't want to have sex with you, we will be terribly hurt if you don't try! So why don't we get it that it hurts you guys when we aren't interested? I think you have been trying your best to solve this and to be honest I think your wife has to do more, I think she is being selfish because well it's easier that way. I did the same thing at first. As far as how to bring this up, you shouldn't be afraid of telling your wife how you feel, if you are then there is something wrong....Be kind and most importantly tell her how you FEEL or that you're afraid you're drifting apart, do not say You...You....You because she probably already feels like a little bit of a failure (as a wife) and she will get on the defense if she feels attacked. If she cares about you at all she will want to do her part in making it all better. You guys should go to marriage counseling, it's awesome. Also together you should listen to Dr. Laura Schlessinger on AM radio, or read her book, "proper care and feeding of a marriage"....basically she says a wife should be her husband's girlfriend and vice versa....treat each other the way you did when you were first dating, the long talks, the dates, THE SEX! Why do we all stop doing that after marriage? Everyone is busy, it's easy to make that excuse....but how isn't a marriage important enough to make time for?? I can't say my husband and I have gotten past this yet....but so far our open communication and my willingness to put my pride and feelings of embarrassment aside in order to improve my marriage has really helped. Your wife has to be a willing participant here, it sounds like you're the only one trying.
I hope my hearing my experience helps you gain some perspective on what your wife may be dealing with, it's not easy to be on her end of the problem either.
Good luck
Hi,
My husband and I went through something similar to you are your wife. It just seemed like we were constantly on different pages with each other and weren't seeing eye to eye on alot of issues.
I know my husband wasn't a reader, but was willing to do this anyways. Can you pick up one of the following books: Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson or (two books) For Men Only and For Women Only By Shaunti Feldhan. All of these books give straighforward understanding as to how men and women think feel and most of all need.There are separate parts for men and separate parts for women. We read these books and then got together and talked about them and various topics spurred by these books on how each of us feel about things, preferences, etc. How he could relate to what the book was saying or how he may differ from the book and likewise for me.
She may not be reacting to you becuase she herself is feeling unloved (as I can relate) on top of the medication. But once my husband figured out what I need. I wanted to help him with what he "needs" and we seemed to start connected and being on the same page.
Counseling wouldn't hurt if you both are willing but please don't give up yet. The scars of giving up run very deep, and you still love her.
Hope this gets to you soon. No kids yet and you are still in your 20's? I can tell you haow it will play out over the next 20 years... it will continue and you will get more resentful. I may be a newlywed, but its marriage number 2.
Marriage counseling only works of both want to go and are honest... and even then I am beginning to view it as slightly overrated especially for problems that are personality conflict such as yours. Its not like you can reach some compromise with your sexuality and she can too... that is not part of the real world of marriage and newlyweds on here may not know that and advise you to stick it out, your are married!
She is not into "fixing" this based on not keeping appointments etc... she doesnt see it as something that needs to be fixed... she is fine not having sex. My husband is the same way and after only 9 months of marriage I had to reiterate for the umpteenth time that this is serious to me, serious enough that I will leave (but Im upset bc he was sexual prior to marriage and promised to increase it after marrying... it basically vanished after our vows were spoken). I feel your pain on this one. The methods for solving marital problems like this are fruiltess when your spouse doesnt see a problem... only gets annoyed with you for wanting sex.
I would try making a bold statement without it being an ultimatum (unless you are willing to carry out said ultimatum... and it sounds like you might be). Life is too short and you dont have kids yet and you are soooo young... they are other women out there that do love sex. Find one.
Best of luck!
I think you need to bring it up again and if she remains resistant, suggest couples counseling. If she won't go, start going by yourself. The counselor will be able to help you find a better way to talk to your wife so that she doesn't feel like a victim/martyr.
This isn't about sex. This problem is much deeper. Why does her doctor not want her to come off the SSRI? She may have told her doctor something she's not telling you about her mental health.
I will pray for you guys.
YIKES! This person obviously hasn't read all of your posts. My goodness. Keep your chin up!
I'm on here because I'm on the other side of the fence. Sex is a chore, and I do it because I know he really, really enjoys it. I feel bad, but I'm really uninterested and bored by the whole thing, it kind of is an annoyance I have to do.
I wish I wasn't like that, I feel like someday he'll move on without me. Maybe he deserves to. I love our life, but I'm not sure what to do.
I'm in the OP's predicament so it's sad to see this from the other side. Does your partner know about your aversion to sex? It would be wise to see a MD and counselor to see if there's a cause. If it can't be fixed, have you thought about letting your partner develop a long term, non-threatening relationship outside the marriage?