Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
husband troubles
My husband and I have been married for almost a year and I just found out he was cheating on me and that he was also cheating on me during part of our engagement including the night before the wedding. I never saw him as the type of guy who would do something like this. I still love him, but I don't know what to do. I don't believe in divorce. I try to spend time with him and he tries to avoid me. He works nights and I work days so I want to spend as much time with him as possible when we are both off at the same time, but he doesn't want to be around me.
There is this girl that he keeps hanging out with all the time. I don't think he is physically cheating on me with her, but she is still taking him away from me. She was coming over almost everyday till I got in a huge fight with her. She decides to come over to the house where my husband is out while I am at the apartment trying to move stuff and because she is there he refuses to come help me move. Then as I am driving to the house she decides to tell me that he lied about what time he got off work and that he was with some girl instead of coming home as a joke and she thought it was funny. After that she starts calling me psycho. Now I am not a person who looses my temper easy, but I lost it and pushed her away, which is now pushing my husband away more. I even tried to apologize to her and she would have nothing to do with it and starts sending me all these rude messages.
I have lost it and don't know what to do anymore. Does anybody have any advice? I still love him and don't want to lose him.
Re: husband troubles
YOU can't do anything if he doesn't want to do anything. You can't fix the marriage alone. If he isn't wanting to be married anymore then there isn't anything you can do.
I would just confront him about everything and ask him if he wants to work it out or not. If he doesn't then I would suggest you start believing in divorce.
First post + unbelievable doormat behavior = MUD
LMAO!!!!
really, honestly?
You beat me to it Snail, I was going to say that. Threesomes are a great way to save your marriage. And you might also want to consider getting knocked up! Babies fix everything!
I try to spend time with him and he tries to avoid me.
This always gets me all hot and turned on when my H tries to ignore me!
What about that other book....Love and Respect? You know, the one where it tells you that as long as you respect him he will be happy?
Crap! Where is Gup when we need him???
That's the one I was thinking of. Love and Respect. You must respect your husband, and give him nightly Bj's to keep him happy. You must also do all of the housework, not complain about doing it and ensure he is able to relax at the end of the night. Do not nag him, as he is the man of the house and knows everything. If you don't obey him he'll resent you and any beatings that result from your nagging are warranted.
Smock stop beating her with your bible. She's supposed to accept her sister wife without question if that's what her husband wishes.
This is great advice! Having a baby would make him focus on you and your marriage. This is also a good way to make him pay more attention to you without seeming too needy or demanding.
You know it takes two people to make a marriage work right?
You cannot force your DH to want to be married to you (ie not cheat on you). So if you want to say you did absolutely everything you could, then you should go try marriage counselling and if that fails then you should really re-evaluate your marriage.
I think that divorce is the last option, but I wouldn't stay married to someone who taught our marriage vows were so a joke and wasn't interested in trying to make the marriage work!
If you try hard enough, the magical marriage fairy will arrive!
You do not need to apologize to anybody - except to yourself for putting up with your husband's behavior for so long.
You said you don't believe in divorce, but your husband's behavior is absolutely unacceptable in marriage. He is not treating you like a husband should be treating a wife - you should be his best friend, the light of his life, etc. If you're not getting that from him, then maybe you should consider other options. First, I would try counseling, but if that does not work out, I might also consider divorce as an option.
If he is cheating on you now, and was also cheating on you before you two were married - what kind of marriage is it to be saved? Was it even a real marriage to begin with, considering his infidelities? You can't change his behavior, but you can change yours. Counseling might be the first step to figuring out how much you really deserve, and being able to see all that he's not giving you.
Whatever you choose to do, most of all, remember that you should not be the one apologizing. I'm sure you're an amazing person and deserve the best. Talk with your friends, family, etc. about this. Don't go through this alone!
These things will fix your marriage. In this order!!
1. Stop complaining about moving your stuff alone. Its a apartment, how big could it really be? And he was was busy with his girlfriend. You need to be more understanding.
2. Decide to have an open marriage. This eliminates the whole cheating thing. You sleep with other men (or women if you're feeling frisky), and he can sleep with other women. Make sure to not wear protection or get checked for STDs. You're supposed to trust his judgement. You are married.
3. Have a baby. Babies really do fix everything. they're cute, they're fun and they'll force your husband to recommit to your marriage. And babies really aren't that much work. They're more like... Living accessories.
Good luck! I know you don't need it. These 3 things WILL work!
Maybe you are wearing your hair in curlers too much around him.
Are you greeting him in a bedjacket and curlers upon his arrival home? Stop that as of now; meet him with a dry martini, you in a negligee (no curlers here!) and a smile. That should fix your marriage.
All of this is totally right. If you follow those simple steps, your marriage will be everything you could have ever wanted it to be.
And if all of that doesn't work, move in with your in-laws or have them move in with you. Then you can learn from his mom how to treat him. Cause she knows better then ANYONE else.
Stop being a pathetic excuse for a woman! He is sleeping with that woman and if you don't believe in divorce than you better get used to a long life of him cheating on you....GET therapy and help your self loathing and insecuritie issues because if you read your own post and it was a girlfriend or a daughter you would tell them to stick around with this ***.
He cheated on you in the engagement, the NIGHT before your wedding, and after...how can you not think he is cheating. If he was serious about you and working on your marriage he would not be hanging out with other woman.
I have seen people work through affairs where they really tried, he is not, and you are letting him treat you like garbage. After a while he is not the jerk you are the woman who likes being treated like garbage. I hope you get enough confidence to leave him because he is GOING to cheat your whole marriage. I could literally bet a grand that he will do it again and win.
This.
I'm so sorry you're in this mess. Have you ever read the book or seen the movie called "He's just not that into you"? The principles in it are very true, whether you're married, dating, engaged, etc. I don't believe in divorce as a general rule either. But that's because I believe that marriage to begin with is a promise, a BIG one, between two people and two people only. Personally, I always wanted to be crazy in love with the person who was just as crazy in love with me. Thankfully, now I am...but it's only because I stopped making excuses for someone else's hurtful choices.
If you do not believe in divorce then accept that your husband will be entertaining a string of girlfriends constantly. Accept that you will be meeting his next lover in just about every woman he introduces. His pal who 'joked' that he ditched work to be with another girl? I'd be willing to bet some hard cash that girl was HER! If it wasn't, then she's his next target.
Accept also that one day soon you will answer the door to a pregnant woman who claims he fathered her kid and now has to pay for it's support. (which means your paycheck will be going towards your husband's illegitimate child)
You would not be selfish, wrong, unChristian to cut your losses and liability by separating your finances, physical and legal standing NOW. You would actually be smart to do so!
If he comes crying to your door about how much he loves you then you might have a chance. If you are a major part of the income for the household then it could be he would miss your money more than you.
Do yourself a kindness. Go to counseling. See a doc and get tested for the usual sexually transmitted diseases.
You may love him, but he does not love or deserve you. You deserve better. DTMFA...(Ditch The MutherFvckerAlready)