May 2010 Weddings
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I hope I'm not the gossip...
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/38877787.aspx
Hey ladies. I know it's been a while since I've posted but a lot of bad stuff has been going on. I didn't want to burden any of you blissful newlyweds with it, so I've kept quiet. But since I posted it on another board, I didn't want to keep you in the dark.
Re: I hope I'm not the gossip...
I was wondering how you were!
I just read the other thread... I wish I was surprised. All I can say is that I agree with the other responses and as I said before, no matter the outcome I hope you find peace in your heart soon.
Oh, and I hope you know that you certainly don't deserve to be called the things he's calling you and you don't deserve to be treated the way he's treating you.
My thoughts and love go out to you!
The Benhams: Married May 1st, 2010!
The Benhams: Married May 1st, 2010!
Right on: it's not just a rough patch, it's a serious issue. And one thing I didn't agree with the other ladies on: who cares if there were signs before. You can't go back now and call off the wedding so just try to focus on what you're dealing with and deciding what's best for YOU because someone who treats you like that doesn't need to be in your plans.
The Benhams: Married May 1st, 2010!
*hugs*
I just read the post, and like Ashley, I agree with all the advice the ladies on the other board gave you. Unfortunately, I know someone that was in almost the exact same situation as you are right now and she stayed in the situation. It only got worse and worse....27 years later she is finally getting out. It's a miserable life to lead and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Listen to your head here. And know we are here for you if you need to talk.
Sweetheart, I have done the verbally abusive douchebag relationship. You need to get out. Maybe you don't want to get an annullment yet, but you need to not be sleeping there until he tries to get help. If he isn't willing to try to get help, you need to leave him. You are too wonderful of a girl to have this man hurting you mentally, because it is going to escalate. It ALWAYS escalates if you don't get out.
Please remember, we are here for you. If you need us, please let us know. I wish you the best of luck with whatever your decision may be.
Wow, just ... wow. I am so sorry to hear about this and know it must have taken a lot for you to open up about it. I'm happy that the board was good and not rude or snarky. Know that you have support from us as well.
I agree with the ladies on the other board. I can't believe what he's doing and saying to you. It must be difficult and scary to think about divorcing with the marriage so new but it is something to consider. Only you know the answer to what you want and/or need to do. He has a lot of red flags and I am also worried that he will get worse and possibly become physical. It can't hurt to check out your exiting options now just in case you need them in the future. You definitely shouldn't put up with him treating you like that and not accepting responsibility for his words or actions. Please be careful.
And ... don't apologize or think you're burdening us, we're here for you no matter what the situation.
Honey, I am so sorry you have to go through this. I am VERY, VERY proud of you, though! It takes a lot of strength for a person to recognize that this is abusive and beyond inappropriate behavior, seek counseling to help the both of you (even though he wants no part of it) and know that you deserve better. And, you do deserve a million times better!
I wish I had a magic fairy wand to make this situation better or even make your future decisions easier. Just know we are here for you!
Thank you all for your encouraging words. This was very difficult to put out there because it's so embarrassing. I just keep asking myself "what did I get myself into. This isn't the man I married." And then I think that maybe it was and I missed something along the way. Either way, it's extremely painful and one of the worst feelings to go through. To wake up the next day and think "Wow. My husband just called me a piece of sh!t. He has zero respect for me. How can he possibly love me?" It's terrible. I can't live the rest of my life like this and I'm pretty sure I can't just "forgive and move on." Because then it turns to "what next." I'm not willing to find out what next.
Ashley - I agree about not being able to look to the past. We all do dumb things in the past that can be considered mistakes. I'm simply looking at the last 8 weeks and I KNOW I did not sign up for this.
I hope you don't feel like we're judging you or are disappointed in you. This is not your fault and I agree with one of the posters who said that it doesn't matter if there were signs before, you deal with the signs that are right now. All of your loved ones want you to be happy and SAFE so try not to worry too much about what other people think (I know that's hard). You are NOT a piece of sh!t or anything else that he can say negative, he's obviously insecure and trying to make you feel bad because he probably feels bad about himself (even though he won't admit it). We're here for you ... keep us updated.
((hugs))
I'm so sorry hun. I wish there was something that I could do to help. You know I, and any of the other girls, are here if you need to talk.
Do no hesitate to come to the board... we are all here for you! You are not burdening us
You've heard what I've done, not what I've been through.
If you were in my shoes, you'd fall the first step."
And enrages me.
My sister dated a *$&#*^ a-hole like this for several years. It started out fine, as it always does. (They never did get married, TG!) The last probably 2 years of their relationship, I seriously was about |thisclose| to hitching a plane the few states away we live from each other and kicking the living shi+ out of him. And I'm not a violent person. AT ALL.
Hearing about how he'd get mad at her and throw violent raging tantrums; throwing a chair across the room, putting bruises on her (one on her forehead that she ended up chopping off about 12" of hair to cut bangs to cover it), talking down to her like your DH has been doing...all the while my 5 year old nephew and twin 2 year old nieces were right there, witnessing it all. If I had been in the same city as them I seriously woulda had to get someone to friggen hold me back from that poor excuse for a man. The final straw for her was when he made comments about drowning her in the pool.
I, for one, am entirely too stubborn and independent, and I couldn't fathom how she stuck around for so long. Especially allowing her children to be subjected to that. Her son, who she is training how to "treat a woman" and her daughters, who she is training what to/not to allow to happen to you as a woman. If that makes sense. But I also know that it's different when you're experiencing the situation, and when you're just hearing about it.
Just keep in mind that men like this feed off of weakness. You sound strong, that is good. Don't allow yourself to "enable him" to treat you this way. If you make threats, don't just "let them go". Follow through with them. If you say, "Counseling or we're done." and he doesn't attend, be prepared to leave 100% without hesitation. ((HUGS)) It'll be a tough road, dealing with leaving someone like that won't be easy, but you can definitely do it.
I have to end by saying I completely agree with a poster on the TIP board who said,
It's like cheating. I've been there done that. If it ever happened in my marriage, I know I couldn't stay. I would just never trust again. In your situation, I think my trust would be shot by this point as well. Good luck, try to keep us posted on how things are going.
Married May 1st, 2010
I am SO sorry that the last two months have been so trying for you. But I must say, given the situation, I admire your calm and reserve demeanor. I agree with the advice that has been given here and on the TIP board and it looks as though the support you have is ever growing at this point. Do not ever feel as though you are burdening us. We've all spent so much time sharing our lives with each other for the past year or so and we've truly become a support group for one another. You are a part of that group and don't ever feel as though your problems are a burden here.
Continue your conseling, get a plan in place and make the decision when YOU are ready to do so. I really hope and pray that he makes a change. He obviously has anger issues among other things and walking on eggshells is no way for you to live. He needs conseling on his own, and has to make that decision for himself. You deserve better, you ARE better and don't ever let him make you feel like you are less than amazing.
And I completely 100% agree with Ashley... don't look to the past, you can't change it. You can only look forward. Be grateful that you made the observations that you did as soon as you did. It's good that you are not blind to what is happening to you.
I wish you the best of luck and love! And PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not hesitate to come here if you need support. Annulment or not, you are still a May 2010 knottie and we will always be here for you.
bio
I am so sorry you are going through this! I hope you are able to find the strength in yourself to do what you need to. We are always here for you!
I'm so sorry your going through this! No one deserves to be treated or talked to like that! I'm really happy your talking to a counselor and that your family is backing you up. If you ever need to talk we're here!
Honey, I am SOOOO sorry that you're going through this. I dated a guy like this and it took me almost 4 years to get away from him. He started off the same way... being emotionally abusive and then later on, he became physical. He used to call me all sorts of names, cheat on me, and just in general be a complete d*ck. I made some joke one night after my company's Christmas party and he grabbed me by my hair and slammed me into a car. If your husband hasn't touched you yet, I feel very strongly that he will soon. I'm very glad that you're seeking counseling and no matter what happens, I think you need to keep up with it. There is no excuse for him treating you the way he does.
You know that we're all here for you if you need us!!!
I'm so saddened by what's happened. I'm really glad, though, that you recognize so clearly that this is a bad situation and that you don't deserve to be stuck in an abusive marriage. You have such a clear and level head about the whole situation, which is something that could probably be said for very, very few women in this kind of position.
Take care of yourself, stay connected to your friends and family, and don't ever feel guilty or like you're failing. You're not failing a bit. It takes two to make a marriage; you can't do it alone, no matter how great you are or how hard you try. We're all thinking of and/or praying for you!
Do not be ashamed - you are not the one with anythign to be ashamed of. You are carrying yourself with grace and dignity through this, and it takes strength to admit these things to people - even if we're people you've never met before. So I applaud you for not burying your head in the sand and for, instead, having the courage to face the situation head on.
Nobody wants to find herself in an abusive situation like this - I'm so sorry you're going through this because it sounds so terribly heartbreaking. Know you have the support of all the May girls here!
Until you make a decision, can you stay somewhere else? With your mom, siblings, friends, other relatives? I worry for your safety - especially if he's been drinking because that's when it sounds like it's the worst. Put yourself first - your safety is number one. I'm glad you're in counseling, too.
please please please please don't be embarrassed! It takes so much strength to admit that there is a serious issue within your marriage and that you need help.
Counseling is a GREAT start... but I don't think you're the one who needs it. I hope he's getting help. If he's not willing to change, get out. Run.I'm sad to say it, but there's really no coming back from the terrible things he has done to you.
Is there any where you can stay? Like the other girls, I really worry about your safety. Please keep us updated and know you can talk to us ANY TIME!
I was thinking about this again this morning...
Soon, I am amazed by you. The fact that you're actually calling attention to this and dealing with it instead of the millions of other unhealthy things you could do with it... well, I'm proud of you and I don't even know you!
I really hope you find the strength, resolve, and means to do what is best for you now. And as others have said- you have nothing to be ashamed of. If anything, be proud of yourself. Based on what you've said, you are a clear-headed, composed, critically thinking person who knows what you do and don't want and knows what you deserve. There is absolutely no shame in that.
The Benhams: Married May 1st, 2010!
Sorry dear that I haven't responded to you. I have not been online at all since last Friday! I am going to tell you from a daughter of an abuser that came clost to killing my mother to get out NOW. I am also telling you that from the perspective of being divorced from an abuser to RUN like hell. If it hadn't been for one of my children beating on my bedroom door I would be dead. He will progress in to a worse more horrible person. No not the sweet loving giving man he can be and you fell in love with. I know you know who I am talking about the one you are searching for that seems to have disappeared. He has to get help and only he can do that. You are a wonderful sweet and loving woman and you will rise above this. Send all the presents back and get out. Do it while he is at work. If you don't want to get divorced then live apart and tell him he must seek counseling and quit drinking. He can only do this on his own. He has to want help. He doesn't think he has a problem and he is probibly blaming you for the problems to some degree. That he doesn't wear his ring or doesn't want to at work says to me that something is going on that is inappropriate at work PERIOD!!! You don't deserve that! Sweetheart you are wonderful and he doesn't deserve you!!! You wanna talk you pm me and I will give you my email heck my phone number. I live far away but I so identify with where you are right now and how scared you are right now. Hugs and let me know
PS I will accept you on facebook when I get home tonight!