Sex & Romance
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TMI anal question, HELP!
My FI wants to have anal sex, I dont like it, I have done it a couple times with him and have told him it hurts and I dont want to do it. He says I should do it more so I can get use to it, then it wont hurt. He says he just wants to do it every once and a while and put it in once or twice because it makes him feel dominant. He is not normally insistant on many things in the bedroom that I dont want to do, except this. I cant seem to talk him out of it. What should I do, it makes me feel degraded and gross. Does anyone else enjoy it? Maybe I should give it a little more time.
Re: TMI anal question, HELP!
My advice is not to be bullied into doing something that hurts you and makes you feel degraded.
I'd have a LONG talk with my FI about why dominating you and hurting you are more important to him than your feelings. Depending on his answer, this may not be resolvable.
Honestly, I would start putting my fingers up his azz during BJs and foreplay. Tell him it makes you feel loved and special. When he protests, ask him why azz invasion is expected of you and not him.
If this doesn't solve the problem (and I expect it won't), call an attorney. You married a dud.
Agreed!
Seriously if he can't take no for an answer, he's an azzhole. Do not do it again if you don't want to.
Time to put on your big girl panties
I've got your rainbows and ponies right here
If the man is pushy about doing stuff that he knows you don't like and that hurts you, he's a d-bag. Simple as that. He's also pretty selfish.
How about you tell him you want to get a strap on and return the fun every once in a while, despite the degradation and hurt he'll feel because it makes you feel dominant and it's sexy.
That's sarcastic, by the way. I seriously think your FI is an a$$ for expecting this of you. I honestly couldn't be in a relationship with a man like this.
I'm not a fan of anal, but I know you have to do it a few times to get used to it. Some women even end up liking it.
It's not the part about him wanting to do it that bothers me, it's the part about him wanting to do it for domination reasons and the fact that he's so pushy.
I'd tell him exactly how you feel and if he doesn't understand, and continues to push, then you have a douche for a fiance.
I give more than the side eye over the "dominant" part.
If he's pressuring you, rethink him. GL.
He is REALLY gentle about it, and it only makes him FEEL dominant, he isnt acting all rough and dominant. Im not trying to make excuses for him, because it makes me mad that he insists on it. And I have tried the "how would you like something stuck up there" and he told me honestly he would be ok with it if it turns me on (which it doesnt, so I will not be trying it). We have a VERY good sex life outside of this factor. He is a completley nice person, I love him and would never let him take advantage of me, but I do want to try for him because its something he likes, it was really only the first time it hurt, then it wasnt horrible, but I still find the idea of it gross.
I also think he's bluffing because he knows you think it's gross and won't even try to call him on it.
Here's the thing, it does get better after doing it a few times, and now I even like it.
However, when I was first doing it, it wasn't often, but my partner was very gentle, and would stop immediately if it was painful. I was comfortable telling him exactly what hurt and what didn't. For instance, the penetrating part hurt me, but once it was in, if it stayed in, I was fine until I orgasmed. So, he couldn't take his penis in and out like he would when we were going vaginal. I told him minimal movement once he got in there. Eventually, like I said, I began to enjoy it, but I would have never got to that point if my partner at the time wasn't very gentle and did not get pushy.
And I have tried the "how would you like something stuck up there" and he told me honestly he would be ok with it if it turns me on
Do it anyway so he knows how it feels!
Okay, so, I'll be the one to say your FI is NOT a d-bag. Not necessarily.
Anal feels much, much, MUCH better for guys than it does for women. More likely than not, you, as the woman, are not going to enjoy it. Some women do, but most don't.
No matter how gentle he is or how slow he goes, it's really easy for it to be painful for you. There are things you can do to make it not hurt, though--it's just that most people don't take these steps. For this reason, I reject the "if it hurts you, tell him you won't do it" argument PP have said.
Use lube. LOTS of lube. No, seriously. LOTS. Your anus doesn't lubricate naturally the way your vagina does, and friction = pain. So make sure you try this before nixing anal from your repertoire altogether.
He should go very, very, very slow. And you really, really, really need to relax. You will expand as you go, and he won't have to be in very far for you to want to tense up. Tensing up = pain, too. It will be uncomfortable, but if it genuinely hurts, stop. Tell him he can't thrust wildly, that's what the front door's for. If he wants it, he needs to take it slow so he doesn't tear you up.
It will feel uncomfortable at first, but if you allow yourself, you will get used to it, maybe even like it. Not on the first night, probably, but give it a fair shake and see how you feel about it then.
Whatever you do, DON'T use numbing products like Anal-Eze. These will numb you, but it's important to feel whether or not it hurts to keep from tearing the lining of your anus, which is much thinner than that of the vagina. This will REALLY hurt when the numbing wears off. For a while.
I can't get to a link to post while at work, but look up the podcast "Sex Is Fun" and download an anal show of theirs. They probably have a couple. Really good info.
If you want a personal story, I have never liked anal. But my ex-bf loved it, so occasionally I would endure it for his pleasure. We were able to do it in a way that it was uncomfortable for me, but didn't hurt, so it wasn't that big a sacrifice for me compared to the pleasure it brought him. It was important for me to do, I believe in being GGG.
I don't care if he is gentle and sweet, why the fvck does he need to feel dominant?! Why is that sexy?!
Call his bluff, buy a dildo and (gentley and sweetly) jam it in his poop chute.
Sex is about mutual enjoyment, not using your partner like a freaking toy. Your feelings matter, he needs to stay out of you azz if it hurts you plain and simple.
You should never do anything in the bedroom that hurts or degrades you. Your his wife, not a porno star or a streetwalker. Voice it more aggressively that it physically hurts you and forcing you to do it probably makes it even worse. Personally, my husband knows it is off limits so the question isn't even raised.
If this is something you want to try to get over and attempt to do at some point, I would maybe google ways to make it more enjoyable for you. It could almost be your compromise. If you give him the privilege of doing that to your body then you will do it when you feel like it, the way you want to do it.
I hope this helps and he becomes more sensitive to how you feel about this. It's nothing to argue and strain your relationship over. It will work out
.
A lot of people really get off on dom/sub play (::points to self::). It's not about controlling or putting the other person down in the relationship or making them feel bad about themself, it's about playing roles in the bedroom and getting into your carnal nature. It's another way to approach it. Do you have a favorite position? Dom/sub play is the same idea. It's just something some people like to do, and it's not wrong.
I'll agree that sex is about mutual enjoyment, but this is a perfect example that it's nigh impossible to find someone that wants EVERYTHING you do and is anti EVERYTHING that you are. People with healthy sex lives know how to have a back and forth... sometimes you do something for your partner that isn't your favorite thing just because you know it makes them happy, and vice versa.
Sorry if I'm uber posty. I'm home now so I can Google sex links.
Sex Is Fun Ep 10 - Anal Sex: http://libsyn.com/media/sexisfun/analsex.mp3
Sex Is Fun Ep 123 - Butt Sex & Anal Pleasure (Pt 1): http://media.libsyn.com/media/sexisfun/SiF_123_Anal_Sex_and_Butt_Pleasure.mp3
Sex Is Fun Ep 124 - Butt Sex & Anal Pleasure (Pt 2): http://media.libsyn.com/media/sexisfun/SiF_124_Butt_Sex_and_Anal_Pleasure_Part_2.mp3
If I remember correctly, eps 123 & 124 are "oh god, we did that anal show so long ago, let's redo that," so if you like, you can prob skip the first one.
I'm not opposed to the idea of anal sex or sub/dom play at all. I just don't think sub/dom activities, painful anal sex or S&M are the types of things that can be done if both partners aren't absolutely on board. I know no two people are going to be in total agreement about all things sexual, but these are the types of things that require two truly willing partners. Differing opinions of favorite sexual positions is hardly the same thing as getting off on physically hurting your partner.
I'm inclined to agree. I'm also inclined to believe that it is more than just domination that he's looking for. It sounds like he might be a sadist - he gets sexual pleasure out of inflicting pain on his partner.
OK I just read your reply and now I'm confused. Your original post said you felt "degraded" when he did it, then you backpedal in your reply that it's only because it hurts that you don't want to do it. You have to decide what is really going on.
Look, there are some things I don't like to do but my H likes so I do them for him, and vice versa. That's the give and take of a relationship. But if I absolutely hated something and felt dirty about it, then it's off the table and H accepts that.
If it's truly just about the pain, then follow the advice of the pp about using lube, etc. Two things will happen after you've done it three or four times 1) you'll wind up actually liking it or 2) you'll still hate it. It won't take more than 3 or 4 times to figure it out.
If you really feel dirty and degraded, even after you've tried it a couple of times then it's off the table and he cannot has about it again.
I was confused too, and this first paragraph explains what I was thinking! If you DO want to try anal, they make toys for that (a lot thinner rod like things). You could try that with lots of lube and work you're way up to the penis (if you really want to try).
I've only tried it once and it did hurt a lot. I can understand your point. The bigger issue is you and your H not being on the same page. It sounds like he might want to be more domineering and you might be a little more safe when it comes to sex. No way is the right way, but you should have comfortable boundaries, especially when it comes to sex.
You should never be forced or coerced into something that makes you uncomfortable.It might make him feel dominant but it makes you hurt.
Anal sex (if you want to do it) requires very slow introduction and lots of lubrication. You don't want to tear things and you have to make sure that you are completely relaxed. There are various toys (butt beads/plugs) that you can use to prepare your anus over a period of time to accept a penis. The reason it is so painful is that you are not relaxed and you have not had the proper preparation. You can severely injure yourself if you are not 100% into what you are doing.
If it is just not your thing then don't push it. Ask him if you could work up to it if you really want to do it for his sake. I personally don't care for anal, but I have friends who worked their way up to it (both people were 100% willing to try) and they found it somewhat enjoyable after that. They did tell me that it does mess with your sphincter back there. So it can cause restroom issues later.
I hope that helps.