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Sexting? How do you forgive and move on?
My husband and I were married Sept 09, and in March this year, I found out he was sexting with a girl he works with, and sneaking around to hang out with her alone while I was at work. (He and I work opposite schedules). After I found out about it and confronted him, he made it seem like it was MY fault he was saying these explicit things to her (things he had never even come close to saying to me), and within a week he was doing it again. I kicked him out after the 2nd time, and after he was gone for weeks, he begged me to come home, promising not to do it anymore. Now, I know the sexting has stopped, but he still works with this girl... as far as I know it never went beyong the words, but that is as far as I know. How do you not only forgive, but move on and start to trust again? I've tried to get him to go to counseling and he just wont. Do I just throw in the towel and say enough is enough?
-crushed-
Re: Sexting? How do you forgive and move on?
If he's not willing to work on it in the way you need, then you don't.
Why would you want to be married to someone like this?
This exactly. You deserve better.
He was cheating on you.
I wouldn't be able to forgive that.
Easy, you don't. Kick him out & file for divorce.
He was cheating on you mere months in to your marriage, blamed you for it and did it again- why on earth would you forgive any of that?!?!?
You refer to the sexting, but acknowledge he was sneaking around with her. On some level you have to know this was a physical affair as well. He still sees her regularly at work- my guess is he just stopped sexting but is still sleeping with her, sorry.
If you stay with him you are asking for a lifetime of being cheated on. DTMFA.
You two hadn't even been married for 6 months and he was sexting (and probably sleeping) with a girl at work? Then he blamed it all on you and started up again a week after you confronted him?
Honestly, I don't see anything worth fixing here. I would see an attorney, make sure my affairs were in order and tell him he is no longer burdened by someone he calls "my wife".
Him not wanting to do counseling tells me that he really doesn't care to actually work on your relationship and fix it. So big red flag there.
annnnd....he cheated on you. Why would you write all about sex to a girl and then when you hang out with her solo never try to touch her? I find it very hard to believe that he wasn't don't more than just sexting.
sorry I'd probably think about finding a lawyer though.
You file for divorce.
You know why he came back? Because things with the other girl didn't work out. I hate to be so blunt, but there it is.
If he was sneaking around to hang out with her, plus all the sexting stuff? Yeah, he was cheating on you and much more than words.
The fact that he won't go to counseling tells you he's not interested in working on your relationship and making you feel secure.
So, why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?
I would be hard pressed to believe that it was just sexting. They work together and he was "sneaking around" to spend time alone with her. They were definitely doing more than just sexting.
And when you confronted him about it- he made it your fault? What type of azzhole does that? He won't go to counseling and has made this issue your fault? What in this relationship is worth fighting for? Why on Earth would you want to "forgive and move on" from someone that obviously have no respect for you?
It's happened once and it will happen again. Get out of your "marriage" now. He will not change, things will not get better.
Oh and I would guess that the sexting hasn't really stopped, he's just better at hiding it. Or else they are past that stage in their affair and they are solely just acting on the actions they've talked about.
Do you ever see yourself getting over this fully? I mean, never wondering about what he's doing while glancing at this phone or if he stays late at work?
Can you ever regain the trust you had?
What about how he made you feel by blaming you for his actions?
Plain and simple, the combination of all of these things would be grounds for divorce for me.
to forgive and move on, you need some form of 'closure' on the BS he did--which includes him acknowleding what he did, apologizing, and taking appropriate steps to regain your trust.
None of which has happened.
Trying to force yourself to 'move on' w/o any of that is just an open invitation for this to fester and happen again.
I will just keep it short as I agree with the others.
You can't work something out with someone who refuses to take responsibility for his actions, indeed blames YOU for it, and refuses to demonstrate he is willing to put in the work to heal the wounds in this marriage. He is not even being honest with you about what happened.
I think he only came back as the other option (this other woman) did not pan out.
Your husband is refusing to go to counseling to even work on regaining trust, why would you want to be married to someone who already 6 months into the marriage is showing he is not that committed after all?
I would not even think of it as throwing in the towel, I would think of it as not settling for being married to someone who has demonstrated they are not that interested in being married to me and who has been having an affair with someone else (even if he did NOT physically get involved with her, there was clearly something going on that goes beyond friendship).
ETA: I also am pretty much 100% positive he was doing more than sexting with this woman. I would be getting myself tested for STDs and be throwing him out the door for that AND his complete lack of honesty.
I wouldn't forgive at all. He did more than just sexting, he was hanging out with another woman alone behind your back. Do you truly believe they didn't do anything physical?
He cheated on you, plain and simple. You deserve better, especially since he's not willing to go to counseling. That to me says he still thinks he did nothing wrong, and will likely do it again.
I would find it extremely difficult to move on in this situation. As a newly wed, I'd be crushed if I found out DH was "sexting" with another woman, even IF that was all the further it went, let alone if it went physical.
However, I also believe in doing everything possible to save a marriage before just throwing in the towel. If he is serious about making it work between the two of you, then I think you're well within your rights to lay out the boundaries in which that is possible. What is your goal of counseling? If its to talk through the situation between him and the other woman, the first year of your marriage, your feelings towards him, etc, is it possible to have that conversation without a counselor? How about a weekend away with just the two of you, no phones, no tv, no computer, nothing but the two of you. The conversations will not be easy, but they may help start the healing process. Just be sure to go into the weekend with a goal so you can measure whether or not it was successful.
As far as forgiving him, thats something that must come from within you. Is it possible to forgive him? Of course, people can change and people can forgive, but only you can decide if thats something you can/want to do. The thing is, if you want to make it work, and you tell him you forgive him, you can't pull the guilt card every time something happens you dont like (of course thats irrelevant if he resorts to old behaviors - then you show him its a pattern).
Whatever you decide, be sure to go into it protecting yourself and your heart. If you do decide to work things out, I'd suggest reading a book called the 5 love languages. It may help him to better understand what makes you feel loved as well as help you understand what makes him feel loved (and hopefully loved enough to no longer look any further than you for love and attention!). I know thats kinda cheesy, but it really is a good book and can generate some good conversations.
If he refuses to change though, then its up to you how long you can live within a marriage like that.
GL!
dumbest
advice
ever
Seriously?! That is the worst advice ever.
You're saying that if you found out your H was sexting (and let's be honest here, there is obviously way more going on) you would stick around and try to work it out?? They've only been married less than a year and he's cheated on her. He's blamed everything on her and refuses to try to talk it out. Why in the world should she try to work it out, when her H is obviously not interested in the marriage anymore.
You can't make someone change- they have to want to change.
Time to put on your big girl panties
I've got your rainbows and ponies right here
I love when the 5 Love Languages is recommended in situations where there is infidelity, abuse, or just complete a$$holery.
Because, clearly, the problem is that you just are not speaking each others "love language".
The OP asked for advice on forgiving and moving on. Would I want to be married to a cheater? No. Would I want a friend of mine to be married to a cheater? No.
That is why I started by saying, IF he is serious about wanting to make it work that SHE should put boundaries on how that is possible for her. Every other piece of advice is to throw away the marriage. While I do not think that anyone should be subject to a deceitful marriage, I do believe in giving it everything you've got before giving up (and yes, 5 love languages is cliche, so 'my bad' for suggesting it). If he doesnt want to be married, then there's nothing she can do. But, if he does want to make it work, I was just giving a few suggestions on things she could do if thats what she ultimately wanted as well.
It seems the popular answer on these boards is to get out of a marriage whenever there is an issue. I believe that people's lives are much more complex than the 3-4 paragraphs they use to describe a situation on here and they deserve to hear alternate opinions. What I had to say was for the OP to take or leave, not for everyone else to criticize.
It seems pretty clear that her H is unrepentant in any way shape or form about his fidelity. It takes 2 people to make a marriage work, and only one to decide it's over. Her H has decided, through his action of putting his *** in another woman's vagina, repeatedly, then blaming it on the OP, that he's done with the marriage.
The rest of you really shouldn't be so harsh on poor little KellyAnn. I want to see whether she'll recommend Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus for people who are being abused, or people whose H's are momma's boys. You'll scare her away too soon!
Hey - I can speak from my own personal experience. Before we started dating, my FI used to be on a dating website and would chat and sext with girls. After we started dating, some girls kept trying to get in contact with him and when I saw the pictures and texts from them, it broke my heart. I told him right then and there that I would not be a girl who tolerates fooling around, either in digital or real life. We set expectations and limits right then and there and he not only stopped, but made every effort not to be contacted again either. He changed his phone number, unsubscribed from the sites, and even gave me the password to his email. After dating for a year with no reoccurances, we got engaged.
We made it work, but first of all, we weren't married, we'd been dating for 7 months. And another big difference is that I confronted him, gave him an ultimatum, and HE (and not anyone else) made the decision to fix it. IF your marriage is going to continue, there needs to be a confrontation, ultimatum, and steps taken to ensure it doesn't happen again. If he doesn't want to go to counseling, he needs to know that he is basically choosing to get divorced. GL!
That's the thing. SHE did not throw the marriage away. HE did. When HE cheated. When HE lied. When HE emotionally abused her. By leaving him, she is just accepting the reality of his behaviors. There is nothing else she can do. She has put out boundaries -- stop cheating on me. He didn't. She said let's go to therapy. He said no. Besides, if he were truly 'sorry' for his actions against her, HE would be the one working to make amends, not her. He would be seeking therapy. He would be looking for a new job, away from the mistress. He is not. His actions and intentions are speaking louder than his 'sorrys'. Divorcing him is her way of taking the hint.
It's so common for the damaged party to be blamed in this situation for "giving up on/throwing away their marriage". They and OP have not. Leaving an abusive relationship is not giving up. It's accepting what is and making a choice to not be abused.
To Iammaredhead:
Do you really think this is undeserved or unexpected?
You got your guy from cheating with him while he was in a relationship with his girlfriend and your friend. So you really thought he would cheat with you, but not on you? Think about it... You should have known this was coming. Now you are writing on message boards for advice because you screwed over your real friends.
Karma's a ***!!
Time to put on your big girl panties
I've got your rainbows and ponies right here
Ooooh the plot thickens! Tell us more.