Sex & Romance
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Going too long without sex
Hey all, I have a (what I think, at least) unique situation. I have been with my fiancee for 3 1/2 years. We got engaged last November, and are planning on a wedding for July 30, 2011. We bought a home together exactly a year ago, the end of July '09. The problem is- in the last year, we have only had sex MAYBE like 5 times- one of those times being last week when I had to have yet ANOTHER discussion about how the lack of sex and intimacy bothers me. We have actually had this talk probably about 3 times over the course of our relationship. Nothing ever seems to change- and we had gone SO long between times (from the night we got engaged Nov. '09 til just a week ago, late July '10) that now, when we did finally do it it was just awkward, I wasn't connected. He isn't stressed about anything, he's not on any type of medication, we are both only 27 years old. He is just not that sexual of a person, I guess- in the beginning even we only had sex like once every 2 weeks on average and it was mostly always me initiating it. I'm really sad that it feels like that connection of intimacy and passion is pretty much gone, because I do love him and many things about him, but I am just uneasy about getting married if it's going to be this way the rest of our lives. He said he'd work on it, but he also told me that he's just not a really aggressive person. Now I am used to going so long without it, I am just not feeling it as much. I'm super conflicted and really not sure what to do. Has anyone else had this problem?
Re: Going too long without sex
I'm sorry to say but I don't really buy it when people claim that someone is not that "sexual of a person." Everyone is sexual. If there are no mitigating circumstances (like meds that dull one's libido, unusual stress at work, or little kids at home) I'd be suspicious that they're either having an affair or that maybe they're secretly gay. Especially as you say you've had multiple conversations about it without any change in behavior.
Good luck to you.
I've been in a sort of similar situation, where sex just dwindled after time, eventually down to nothing. And I've had that conversation (with my now STBXH) several times.
I would seriously reconsider marrying this person if you are having such big sexual compatibility issues already. There are posts on here every day about women going through the same thing. Sex is important to a marriage. If you can't figure this out you should think about giving back that ring.
Honestly?
I'd make him see a doc and get some tests done. It doesn't make sense.
And if he doesn't see that sex is an important, connecting, essential element to a relationship and a marriage, it's time to rethink why you want to marry him.
Thanks for the reply, I appreciate it and definitely appreciate honesty. I do know why I want to marry him-because he is an extremely kind, generous, thoughtful, considerate person who loves me and is a great fiancee in all senses of the word, except for the issue of sex, which I know is a big one. I guess what I don't know is if this can be fixed or figured out before we really start having to crack down on wedding plans- we already reserved the venue so if we cancel we'll be losing money on that for sure. I don't want to hurt him and he says he understands how big of a deal this is, but now I'm just afraid that I can't get back my desire to have sex since this is what I'm used to now. Like I said...I'm so conflicted ;/
I want to toss out there that I myself am not among the most sexual people of the world--I have a pretty low sex drive, that's just the way I'm wired. Luckily I have found someone whose sex drive matches mine and we're very happy--we do have sex and connect and appreciate that connection, but most people, just looking at our frequency, may look at us sideways, but our relationship couldn't be happier or healthier. I don't think assuming that someone with a low sex drive is cheating or homosexual is fair... you wouldn't want to compound a compatibility issue with a trust issue.
I have to say that this sounds like a pretty dire situation, and it sucks to have to give up deposits, but I would absoluely put the wedding on hold until this is sorted out. Try counseling, it may give one or the other of you a new perspective or a new way of communicating that will improve the issue. But I have dealt with relationships like these from your FI's point of view... there is a guilt that you're not performing, a desire to be everything the other person wants you to be, but a pressure that that's not you. Don't give up hope yet, but be realistic, too. Sex is a very important piece of the relationship puzzle and you're making a risk if you enter the marriage when this is still awry.
It's a little disturbing that he equates his low sex interest with "not being that aggressive"...... the problem has nothing to do with aggression and men with high sex drive are not neccasarily aggressive..........
.......I wonder if he some 'hang-up' about sex, or learnt the idea as a youngster that 'sex is bad' etc
I agree. Are you interested in sex? Because if you are you should really think about whether you want to sign up for a lifetime of not having it - or having it every three months.
We have actually had this talk probably about 3 times over the course of our relationship. Nothing ever seems to change- and we had gone SO long between times (from the night we got engaged Nov. '09 til just a week ago, late July '10) that now,
Seriously consider ending the relationship. He isn't going to change.
He's got a low sex drive and if you find it disturbing and upsetting, it will be the same after you marry.
He also has not met your needs -- you say you discuss it and you get the same ole thing. Move on; this guy isn't for you.
And wow, you're more or less saying "We paid for it so we should go ahead and get married"??? Wow, just wow....
I guess what I don't know is if this can be fixed or figured out before we really start having to crack down on wedding plans- we already reserved the venue so if we cancel we'll be losing money on that for sure. I don't want to hurt him and he says he understands how big of a deal this is, but now I'm just afraid that I can't get back my desire to have sex since this is what I'm used to now. Like I said...I'm so conflicted ;/
A divorce is MUCH more costly than a wedding day, both monetarily and emotionally.
Say goodbye to this guy - you can sell your venue to somebody else -- it can be used for a Sweet Sixteen, another wedding, an anniversary party or a company holiday get together. Please do not forsake your happiness over money.
What won't come back -- for a good long while, if you stay with this guy: Your self esteem. He'll drag you down until there is none left.
And a sex drive waxes and wanes. SOme days you're rarin to go, other days you don't even care if sex exists -- I am sure you noticed that.
No one has mentioned that he may be hiding an STD?
Get yourself tested.
Lame. Very lame. From Nov 2009 until Jul 2010?
Ditch him and get some bloke who will hammer you til the break of dawn.
Hammering. Just what every lady wants.
Anything can be at hand here.
FWIW...
ASK HIM WHY HE IS ON THE COUCH!!!!!!!
Hello there, thanks for replying. I'd like to comment on this:
And wow, you're more or less saying "We paid for it so we should go ahead and get married"??? Wow, just wow....
No, that is not what I'm saying at all. It's just another thing I think/worry about. We haven't paid for anything technically but we have signed a contract, so we would owe a percentage of money, but of course you are right in saying it's better to bite the bullet there vs. getting married and perhaps not being happy and having to get a divorce.
Also, my self esteem isn't really taking a hit. I don't think it's me, I do think it's him. He's a wonderful person and treats me extremely well in all the other aspects of our relationship...just wanted to clear that up
Here is how you do it:
Honey, I love you, but our lack of sexual intimacy is an issue I want settled before we get married. I want us to explore all of the possible options and one of them is that there is a physical source to the problem. We need to get you a complete physical as soon as possible. If there is nothing wrong, we can look to other things, but this is not a situation that we can ignore.
Only you can decide if this is a dealbreaker, but if you are this frustrated and upset now (when you can bail) imagine how you are going to feel 5 years from now when he hasn't touched you in a year and you are going nuts and all of the crying in the world isn't going to make his penis hard. This situation will not change without being addressed directly.
It mattered a lot more when it came time to try for our first child. We didn't have problems with the frequency but there were deffinetly times when we were only doing it for the 5th day straight because that's what the temp chart called for rather than because we were eager. Which didn't bother either of us until it became apparent that it wasn't working. We weren't getting pregnant. Turns out low testosterone.
You want to hear a guy clam up around doctors... Just suggest that he can't get his wife pregnant. I swear you'd think the doctor had told him he had terminal cancer. I don't understand it. I don't think I could understand it if I tried... But it apparent matters enough to make this even more difficult.
If these a possibility that it's a medical problem- might as well find out now and get it fixed so you can enjoy the honeymoon. But understand that it'll probably be a battle to get him in because it somehow questions his masculinity and rather than talk about it, he's likely to clam up
Friends for 15 years. Married 8. TTC since January 2009
2010 Diagnosis: Anovulation and Severe MFI
2011 Treatment:
IVF w/ICSI #1 Antagonist: 2 blasts - c/p - BFN 04.22
FET #1: 1 blast/1 early blast - BFP 06.22 - m/c 06.30 @6w0d
07-11 RPL: MTHFR C677T Heterozygous & Slightly elevated ACLA IgM
FET #2: 1 morula - BFN: 9.02
January '12: IVF #2
Started BCP and Metformin (New!) 12-14 for stimming in January
Dum spiro, spero.
?SAIF/PAIF/PgAL/PAL always welcome?
I completely agree. I have a pretty low sex drive as well, and my husband has gotten a lot better about dealing with it. I would have been devastated if he'd left me just because I didn't want sex all the time, but I can see how frustrating it would be.
Have you talked to him about what he likes in bed? Because maybe he is feeling defensive and upset about not performing good enough for you, and he shuts down instead of being honest about what's really going on. Maybe there's a fantasy or a position he loves that you guys could try out?
(Married)meganandshane.weebly.com~
(Planning)shaneandmegan.weebly.com
this exactly.
I could have written the OP two years ago right before my wedding. I am now divorced.