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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
"Second Best" to SIL
I live 3 hours away from my family and 10 mins away from my IL's and we see them A LOT. I love them and i even love seeing them, but there is major favoritism towards my husbands younger sister and her NEW husband (just married Saturday) My IL's are constantly talking about her schooling, her dogs, and of course the wedding! I feel like there is always something big or small..small like her dogs getting more attention than ours or even more pictures of her than my husband around. ( one day while we were out at dinner i noticed when she opened her wallet there were pictures of SIL and SIL engagement photos but none of my husband or my husband and i) Even at this wedding on Saturday..she hired the same photographer we had and managed to get more pictures taken..also hired the same DJ and the DJ ended up making a complimentary video for them! I just feel like there is always SOMETHING! My husband is just sad that i'm sad and he has said things to them regarding dogs and pictures. (he's even mentioned how much they talk about them and favoritism and MIL starting crying and denying) He always tells me he wants to make me the happiest girl in the world...he's very sweet and doesnt get hurt or upset that im talking about his family. I am his family. I know how lucky i am to have him. It just hurts that i feel like HE at least doesnt get enough credit from his family...let alone us as a couple. If you even mention the word favorites to them, they freak out and get all defensive. Cant talk to them.. I have just lost all my self-eesteem and I am really close to just stop trying knowing that no matter what i do or what we do will never be as good as his sister. :'(
Re: "Second Best" to SIL
Seriously?
You are letting them affect your self-esteem? I am sorry to tell you that you sound like an immature drama queen. You may not BE one, but that's how you sound. "My husband wants to make me the happiest girl in the world." and "He's sad that I'm sad"? Really?
My advice to you is to STOP comparing and definitely stop letting them have all that power. Do you have hobbies? Friends and family of your own? I mean maybe there is something you don't know or understand with you SIL....or maybe they really do just like her better. It happens and it sux but you are letting it consume you!
The fact that you're actually nit-picking over whose DOGS they talk about the most tells me that you full on are LOOKING for things to be upset about. I don't think you just, by chance, noticed the pictures in her wallet (and really, you saw ALL the pictures she carries?). I think you were LOOKING to see,, and because you saw a picture of SIL, y ou're jumping to the conclusion that those are the only pics she has.
If you look hard enough, you will find something to be upset over. So - stop looking so hard.
And the fact taht you've lost "all" your self-esteem over this? Giving your IL's WAY too much power in your life. WAY too much.
If your DH isn't bothered by how things work in his family, then you need to stop trying to pick up the fight for him.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yes, your IL's had an evil plan and told the photographer how many pictures he took at your wedding and instructed him to take more at SIL's wedding, no matter what. The whole world is in on this big plan to pay more attention to SIL than to you.
You really need to see a therapist - your attitidue is not healthy nor is it based in reality.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what it is, but for some reason there are people who tend to favor their girls over the boys (or vice versa). My good friend J. has the EXACT same problem. She always complains to me about how her DH had to pay for his own school and he's drowning in student loans but her IL's paid every cent of SIL's schooling. Her MIL constantly takes and watches SIL's kids (single parent, no dad on the birth cert.) so she can sleep or shop or go out partying or go on vacation with a guy who hates kids (of whom she recently married) - in fact MIL practically raises them - but J. has to fight tooth and nail to get MIL to watch her kids when she and her H are in a pinch. Funny thing is J's parents live OOS and when she was growng up her parents always favored her brother, who turned out to be a bum and a loser.
I wish I knew what to say to both you and J. but unfortunately there's really no advice I can give, other than to just ignore their constant praising of SIL and don't let it get to you. Change the subject when they start getting on their "praise SIL" rant. It could even be that they think their son is smart and fully capable of doing things on his own whereas their little princess always needs a hand-holding.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
My sister got all upset and threw a fit because my mom had a framed picture of my H's and my engagement picture in their living room. My mom's response to her - "We have that picture because your sister gave it to us as a gift". Maybe your SIL gave her parents a wallet sized engagement picture of them and you didn't. My mother is extremely involved in my sister and BIL's lives because my sister chooses to involve her in everything. I like to live my life on my own, so I don't. As a result, my sister and mother are closer and my mom is visibly more involved with my sister. But I don't throw a fit about it because it's my choice to be a grown, independent adult.
I really think that if your MIL was as involved in your life as she is with your SIL you'd be complaining for a whole different reason.
Sometimes I feel the same way about my IL's and the way they treat their son's wife (not their daughter). Pretty much every time we go over FIL and MIL are talking about her and how awful her life is. SIL complains about pretty much everything that happens in her life, and therefore, at least my MIL believes that her word must be true - her life must be that awful.
To be honest, I really don't care that much. DH and I decided that it only teaches us NOT to complain to his family. We don't want negative attention, we only want to share the good things going on in life. If that means they talk less about us, or whatever, it isn't a big deal. And any time MIL starts telling my about how awful SIL's life is (which it really isn't) I just casually change the subject.
It's really not that big of a deal. I promise. Just ignore it and have a good relationship with your IL's. When you start caring about these things is when your relationship crashes. I stopped caring a long time ago and our relationship is ten times better.
And your DOG'S??? Really??? I mean come on... reread that part please and think about how crazy that sounds.
Ooh I totally agree with this. That's the point I was trying to make. The way MIL talks about SIL, I can tell they are far too invested in their lives. We love DH's parents, but we don't want them to be THAT invested.
Parents often have different relationships with their daughters than they do with their sons. Doesn't mean they don't love your DH. As I teach my girls, fair does not mean equal/exactly the same. If he's got no problem with the way they treat him, you shouldn't either. If he does, that's for him - not you - to address with his parents.
She's their daughter, your DH is their son. She's their daughter, *you* are their DIL. Yep, you're going to see differences and nope, you won't ever be as "good" in their eyes. Especially if she's the only daughter.
You say you have a good relationship with your ILs. At the same time, they're not all up in your business. Seems to me you've got the best of both worlds. Stop looking for drama where there isn't any and stop expecting them to validate your self-esteem (it isn't their job, nor is it your DHs for that matter; that's all on you). All you have to do is read so many of the other posts on this board about people who have legitimate issues with their ILs to know how lucky you are.
I can relate to this situation--but in mine, it is my parents. They clearly favor my brother over me. However, they are great people and are a lot of fun. They are generous with both of us. But if you spend enough time with us as a family unit it is clear who the favorite child is.
Occasionally I vent to my H about it, in private. However, I would not like it if HE was always bringing it up to me and harping on it, which it sounds like you are doing. I am happy that he sees the dynamic and on those rare occasions when I feel the need, I can sit and vent to him for five minutes and know that he understands where I am coming from. But I focus on the positive--they're fun people and are good to both my brother and I, and I try not to over-analyze the rest of it, because it will always hurt if I were to focus on that.
It sounds like your ILs are good people that you like and I think you should try to recall that. Your situation could be MUCH worse. Listen when your H brings it up but do NOT bring it up to him.
the first thing i thought when i read your post was 'does this girl really spend all of this time thinking about this, counting how many times they talk about sil's dogs etc...'.
find a better way to occupy your time and stop comparing. you sound a bit nuts.
This is what I was thinking. Are you sure MIL doesn't do this?
Keeping score in relationships is an extremely unhealthy habit to get into. You need to stop it, now, for the sake of your own health and sanity.
They JUST got married. At this point in time, their daughter's wedding was the big event in the family. Of COURSE they're going to talk about it a lot. Wait longer than a week and see if the major topic of family conversation shifts.
Parents have different relationships with different children. It's not a case of "they like her better," but a case of "they relate differently." And really, you guys try to call them out on favoritism because of the number of pictures you see? Are you three years old and your cookie has to have the same number of chips as everyone else's?
And is it possible, since they were referrals, that they got extra pictures (although how you know this is beyond me, since I don't know one photographer who can edit a whole wedding and get the proofs out in under a week) and a complimentary video? Is it also possible that these small businesses are running promotions because they're trying to get more referrals in a down economy, and that's why they're tossing in freebies and extras?
Suppose, for a moment, that everything actually is just as you perceive it: his parents like his sister better and feel that you and he will never measure up to her and her husband. There isn't a darn thing you can do about it!
Be satisfied with your life and your successes, and if it bothers you so much, don't go over there all the time.
omg I feel like a 2nd grader wrote this.
she had more pictures...she got more songs...he mom likes her better///she is the favorite...
really grow the f up.
Quit counting pictures and looking for insults where none are intended. These are very, very unattractive habits that make people want to avoid you. I bet you count who takes how much pizza when you and your friends all go out together, too; and who calls/facebooks who more often or sooner; and who tells who what information first, like it's a contest or something.
STOP. You're acting like a really bratty 5 year old.
This!
SIL is your IL's daughter by blood - you are their DIL by marriage. BIG difference. If we are going to compare their closeness with SIL over you, OF COURSE they are going to favor her & be closer with her than with you.
This only really should effect DH. They are his parents so if he isn't bothered by it, then either should you. All you are doing for him & for yourself by bringing these petty things to his attention is causing drama. He says things now like, "he's sad that you are sad" but fast forward 20 years and he will be fed up.
My DH is the oldest of three. SIL is the middle child and the only girl, therefore, gets the favoritism and is treated like the pretty pretty princess. It's just how it goes. She always got her own car, put through college and still til this day she's all MIL talks about. DH could careless, so I don't try and stir the pot.
Unless MIL treats you with disrespect, I think you should probably pick and choose your battles with her. Having more pictures, talking about SIL's dogs more, etc. are just small potatoes on things she could be doing. Consider yourself lucky.
So many different thoughts:
1) I can't believe this is affecting your self esteem.
2) This is DHs family, if he's ok with it, why aren't you?
3) I have three siblings, all the photos on my fridge (the only ones in my house beside my own wedding pics) are of my brother and his family. Why? Not because he's the favourite, but because every year he sends a family pic with a fridge magnet.
4) How do you know that MIL doesn't talk to SIL about you and DH when SIL is visiting? It is completely natural to talk about what's going on with so and so. She's not going to tell you about your own dogs, you know all about them.
5) Of course the wedding is a big topic of conversation. It's her daughter's wedding. It just happened.
6) I live close to my parents, all my siblings live overseas. I'm sure Mum and dad talk about my daughter. Is she the favourite grandaughter? No, she's just the one they see the most and therefore the one they have something to say about.
7) You need to talk to a counselor if this is really that upsetting to you.
I don't think its a big shocker that parents would favor their daughter over the woman their son married.
And if that daughter just got married, three days ago, then yeah, no shocker that the past year+ was all about her.
Pull yourself together. Get some friends and outside interests. Because SL is going to have a baby some day and I'd really hate to see you institutionalized when that happens.
If she is the younger sister and possibly the baby it doesn't seem odd to me that she gets more attention. Also shes the daughter, my mom made a bigger deal out of my wedding then she did out of my brothers and my MIL made a bigger deal out of SIL wedding then she did ours. To me the wedding seems to be more of a bride/mother of the bride thing then family of the groom.
DH has 5 siblings, we get the least amount of attention. The others, even though they are older then DH are always screwing something up, running out of money, causing drama, etc. DH and I are very financially stable and have all our poop in a group. Not getting all the attention because we can take care of our selves seems more like a compliment then an insult to me.