Sex & Romance
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Re: Kegels & such...
OP I honestly don't think anybody is going to tell you what they should/have/would do if their loved one told them their vag was too big.
Because that doesn't happen.
Ok maybe if Octo-mom hadn't gotten a state paid for c-section she would have had the "hotdog down the bowling alley" syndrome but you've made it clear that
1) you haven't had kids
2) no other partners have ever told you this.
This problem is not about your vagina. Its about your husband and I'm sorry but you need counseling a lot more than you need kegels.
He broached the subject because I was physically upset that he didn't get to O and I did. You're right, he doesn't have the most tact at all, he's getting better at it, but I'd prefer him to be more honest with less tact, than not let me know what he thinks. I think he actualy said, "Can I tell you something without you getting offended?" I coulda said no. But I know him. I know he's very blunt, and I much prefer to people trying to sugar-coat things or just not tell. I wasn't offended.
No, the sex wasn't the greatest. But to me, the fact that everything else was amazing overrode that fact. It HAS gotten better, it's just still not as good as we'd like it to be.
As for the communication... YES, I talk to him a lot. And why would I need to show him what turns me on? He gets me off just fine, so I've given "tips" where needed, but that's not an issue??
He DOES ejaculate with anal, and with oral as well. And sometimes with vaginal sex. And yes, I know the risks or anal sex and don't jump back and forth with vaginal.
And no, quite the opposite with his upbringing. Sex was fine, he had it at an early age, was promiscuous, and it wasn't seen as either sacred or taboo. He MIGHT fear a little about the pregnant thing (we're def not ready to have kids yet, nor WANT to yet.). But I don't think that's it 100%, cuz we used to use condoms all the time AND I was on BC, so we were super 'safe'.
I agree going to sex therapist might be helpful. It's not easy to convince him that though. A lot of people (my husband included) are scared to go to therapists, and it doesn't help that there are a lot of BAD therapists out there, so I'm wary of a lot too. WIth any therapy, the therapist can make the situation WORSE as well as better. Maybe if I can dig up someone good, I can get him to go to at least 1 session to start.
I'm honestly here to get true advice, not to have my husband bashed. He's not perfect, but I can definitely say that none of your husbands are perfect either, and I'm not sitting around trying to bash them. After reading about kegels (which is why I posted in the first place!), it might be something FUN that would spice things up too! We love trying to shake things up, as we both get bored easily.
Also, I want to thank pastrypuff for posting on TIP for all to come see my thread and further insult me. I'm NOT a doormat, nor do I have low self-esteem. And my husband is NOT tiny. I'm glad you all get off by saying all this.
Im sure you would do anything that would please your husband. But Dont make yourself feel bad about your body. Another poster mentioned Like A Virgin, its suppose to work good. I know people with children who swear by this.
I think you need to talk with your husband about the multiple times of masterbation a day. Like the other posters said, he could be contributing to this problem.
Thanks for your response. I actually should be getting some of that "Like a Virgin" from a toy party a couple months ago! I'm kind of anxious to try it!
And yes, I'm a Sub in bed, I am quite pliable to do whatever (but I get pleasure out of doing that!). BUT, I don't feel bad about my body! I know from doing kegels a little bit, that those muscles aren't very strong, so why not strengthen them?
I'm really up in the air about the masturbation. The only male to respond here says he does about the same. I mean, if he gets pleasure out of jacking off (it's usually when I'm not home), then why not let him? I guess if it IS contributing, then yes, he should slow on it.. Maybe I'll talk to him and see if we can try that and see if it makes a difference. Thanks.
Honestly, I'm not sure how anyone could read this post and not come to this conclusion. I'm sure there's nothing wrong with you, and I think it's really $hitty that your husband would say there was, whether you asked him about this issue or not. I don't think anyone "gets off" by saying those things.
They seem to "get off" by saying them, as they're saying some of that stuff on a different thread, NOT on mine.
And although there's nothing "wrong" with me, I think doing Kegels can enhance MY sexual experience as well! From what I've read, *I* can orgasm easier and better too! So it could help both of us. Why is everyone here so against doing something to help myself as well as my husband? I'm not down on myself and neither is my husband. He didn't rag on me and call me "loose", he just suggested maybe it might be a good idea to try. And I agree. Vaginally, I'm tough to orgasm anyway, so it could help that become easier for me too! How is wanting to make your sex life better translate to low self-esteem? I def feel like most people have areas they could improve! It's not low self-esteem, it's actually a good thing to want to improve yourself! So why is everyone raggin on me so much for it?
There's nothing wrong with doing kegels, if you want to do them. If you had said "I want to do kegels to try to enhance my sexual experience" you would have received nothing but positive responses. But coming on here and saying "my husband says he can't orgasm because my vagina is too loose" just screams red flag to many of us. People are "raggin" on you because they are concerned.
Put it this way: would you turn to your husband and say "Hey, you need to get a penis pump because your d!ck is just too small", even if it was "too small"? Probably not, right? Because it's cruel and hurtful. That's how many of us are viewing your husband's comment. The low self-esteem part comes into play because you accepted your husband's blame so easily, even defending him and saying that the problem is definitely you and not him, based purely on what he said.
I didn't say my vag is too loose. But the kegels seem to be (from what I'm reading) more for allowing tighter stimulation to be there (not 100% of the time though) during sex. Maybe I should've said something more along the lines that my husband seems to have been accustomed to someone using their PC muscles during sex.
As for your comparison, I'm tightening a muscle, not really changing the shape of my vag or anything. Just building muscles to use during sex. Him using a pump wouldn't really compare to that, I think? And I guess I didn't see it as a hurtful comment from him. It's more like a "try this position hunny" type of thing. Just like I'M supposed to tell HIM what feels good to me, he's doing that for me as well. It feels good to him when his penis gets squeezed on during vag sex. Now since I dont' have the muscles to do that (yet), I need to develop them! Does that make more sense put that way?
With the low self-esteem thing, yes I accepted his comment very quickly, but I think it was more because "Aha, could this be the answer?!" type of thing. This isn't a new problem for us, but one I would LOVe to find the real solution for! Maybe I was quick to grasp this comment because I want it to be the answer to our problem. Just kinda realized that as I read and responded to your post. Thanks for responding.
If you will permit a male response;.....
Your husband is not really playing the game with you and he needs to move himself on now,...at least sexually. He can't be married and still retain the sexual views and methods of being a lone teenager. The problem is NOT with you or your vagina,...except that you perhaps need to help him to 'grow up' just a touch!
Many young men learn to masturbate by using excssive force and too tight a grip on their penis. Then, when they start to have normal sex with their partners, they find that they have inadvertedly trained themselves to respond the wrong way. A mans experience of sexual stimulation in a womans body is VERY different to that of his hands. Many young men are NOT sensual, especially if they have a strong sex drive and need. The fact is that for many of them, their sexual need is condensced into just the glans of their penis and it takes a clever and thoughful woman to convert them into sensual lovers who can appreciate the subtleties of their own bodies and those of their partners.
The 'kegels' will help and are a good idea for all sexually active men and women to do. However, what your husband needs is for you both to carefully re-train his sexual response to softer more sensual stimulation. As a start he MUST reduce his lone masturbation and save some for you!
Why not statrt by getting him to agree to suspending ALL masturbation for four weeks,........if he complains of states its impossible, make it clear to him that you will make it worth his while! During these four weeks, suspend full intercourse and just use frequent sessions where you sit on his lap and tease the head of his penis with your labia/genitals,....only allow him to penetrate slowly occasionally ......keep most of the action outside. The first few times you do this do NOT let him ejaculate by thrusting,...always bring him off by light touch with sensual movements. As he gets more used to the sensation of your vagina, try to keeps things slowed down and try different postions while askign him what he can feel inside you it differes from the previous position.
Hopefully, this use of sensate focus will eventually give him a better sensuality about sex and his own responses and give him the skills to be both more fullfilled and more fullfilling to you.....Good Luck!
I'm a little confused by posters who doubt frequent masturbation is the main problem here. When a man wants to overcome premature ejaculation, don't people automatically recommend frequent, rougher masturbation to desensitize the penis? Using that logic, I can totally see why the OP's husband whacking it two or three times a day (holy hell!) could make it more difficult for him to climax via vaginal intercourse. (As the above poster suggested).
And to the OP: Ditto everyone else who say you're not too big. Feel free to strengthen your PC muscles, but I really doubt that's the issue here.
Really...this is the problem. He is playing with himself too much and sex doesn't feel as good anymore. His fault. Not yours.
Sorry but I'm ROTFL at this thread.
Your husband masturbates twice a day and thinks about other people when he's doing you, and the only way he can get off with you is if he f*ks you backward ? So apparently he runs into trouble when he can see your face?
And counselors make him nervous... gee, wonder why....
You're right, you DO have a problem.
Dan Savage, the fabulous sex advice columnist, frequently covers this issue in his column and podcast. He usually recommends that the gentleman either 1.) stop masturbating for a period of time or 2.) start masturbating with the other hand. The awkwardness of using the non-dominant hand will help retrain the penis to the more subtle sensations of vaginal intercourse.
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=14968
Doing kegels ARE good for your sex life, and they would help you out even if the sex was already great. Ben wa balls, good times!
The issue here is that you believe that his inability to climax is your fault. He says you're not using your vag right, so it's your fault. That is 100000% asinine.
You're upset because people think your husband is a jerk for saying that...well, at the *very* least he's very ignorant in saying that.
You never answered the most logical question: He says sex with other women was fine, therefore it must be *your* fault that he can't climax. But have other men you've had complained, ever?
AND, have you ever told him, "Maybe it's NOT me? Maybe we should get you checked out?" Why are you so quick to believe that it's your fault? Issues abound.
Clearly there's some other problem here, and you'd do well to get your head out of the sand.
Get your H to ease up on the masturbation. I could understand once a day or maybe twice, but if he's choking the chicken in a violent way three times a day then sex definitely won't be able to do it for him. This has nothing to do with you. The vagina can only tighten in certain ways and has no where near the dexterity that a palm with five digits does.
Get him to cut back or go cold turkey on the self-lovin' for a week or two. It will be difficult for him, no doubt, but see if that might help. Also, if he has having problems maintaining an erection (for whatever reason) then he needs to get a checkup. Often erectile dysfunction is the first sign of other serious health issues.
Recap:
1.) Have him go easy on masturbation for a while.
2.) Get him a physical just in case.
3.) There is not a lot you can do with your vagina that can compete with his own aggressive pursuit of self-pleasure.
Good luck. Now I"m going to read the rest of this thread HAHA.
It is my understanding that Premature Ejaculation is at the opposite end of the spectrum that then lack of ejaculation problem described here. Yes, you are right if a man is too quick to ejaculate that they recommend frequent masturbation. That is to get his penis used to more stimulation and be able to withstand it for a prolonged period of time. The thing missing from your description is that often they are instructed to delay gratification when they masturbate. Stretch it out (no pun intended) so that they can last for at least 10 minutes at a time without climaxing. This enables him to make it through a sexual episode initially.
With this poster's problem the husband may be forcefully stroking his penis in an effort to achieve ejaculation. The continued and frequent violent motions on the penis create lessened sensitivity. This creates a situation where the man in question comes to NEED forceful, violent, and/or extremely fast/tight motion on his penis to achieve any climax at all.
The recommendation to ease up on the masturbation is so that his penis can adjust to softer forms of stimulation. That way when he has intercourse with his wife it will be enough to cause orgasm at a reasonable pace. Think of it like sitting in a vibrating car or motorcycle. When you sit on it after its been going too fast for a long time your butt gets numb, right? In this scenario OP's H's hand is the motorcycle vibration and his peen his numb to all the crazy vibrations he's been putting to it.
Hope that helps and makes sense.
That makes total sense. Thanks for clarifying!