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NER: Family Vent (long)
I really just need to vent.
Last year my grandparents took their 5 kids and spouses on a cruise to Alaska. Very nice. Very generous. No grandkids were invited. Cool. Whatever. Everyone had a great time. Bonding. Happiness. Love. All that jazz. All the siblings (my Dad's brothers and sisters) thought next time it would be soooo nice to have their kids with them (the grandkids, my generation).
This year, my grandparents, after consulting with some of the 5 kids, have decided that they are going to send everyone on another cruise to Mexico, only this time they are inviting grandkids. They have 13 grandkids, including me. Except they have purposefully excluded 5 of the grandkids. My sister and I are part of the excluded grandkids. But my other sister who is 20, gets to go. Apparently they came up with some arbitrary formula to deterime who goes and who stays on shore.
I found out about this about a month ago and it continuously makes me feel very upset. I don't really care about the cruise per se. I really don't have a strong desire to ever go on a cruise b/c I think it would bring on massive claustrophobia. I just feel really crappy about being excluded from what is being billed as a great "family" event. My sister feels the same way. We are both reasonable, rational people. But our feelings are really hurt. I mean we were not even given the chance to pay our own way!
What irks me is that this side of my family is very into "family" and being all together and doing things together and boo-hooing how we never all see each other...blah, blah, I kind of now feel that this sentiment is fake. I'm also now dreading Christmas where everyone will be clapping and cheering about their upcoming cruise (it's in Feb).
I know I probably sound like a brat. And I know that this is a very petty issue considering everything else going on in the world right now. Am I being unreasonable about feeling upset? Would you feel upset if a wonderful gift was gifted to everyone in your family except you (and a few others?). I guess, I just wish I knew why I was excluded. I have been a good granddaughter, even though I don't live near them anymore.
Sigh.
I almost did not post this b/c I'm afraid you are going to give me a beat down for feeling this way. But flame if you must.
Re: NER: Family Vent (long)
holy crap. I would be massively hurt too. IMO this kind of thing is all or nothing, ya know? Barring something crazy like you are a drug addict or something. That isnt right.
why are 5 being excluded? finances? or headcount issues? I assume finances in which case, say "grankids are invited at $X per person (the difference divvied evenly)"
Seriously, that is really not cool. Kinda mean IMO.
I would be really hurt if I were you!!
I could see how maybe they only decided to pay for the grandkids who are college aged and younger (still 'kids'), but they should have at least given you or your parents the option to pay for yourself.
That sucks. Is it too late for there to still be some sort of compromise? Have you talked to you dad about this at all?
I think it's finances...my sister and I have spouses so they would have to be invited too. But the other 3 excluded grandkids do not have spouses. But if they couldn't afford to send everyone, which I understand, it's going to be spendy, why couldn't they do something less extravagant?
My parents are also really upset. Three out of my dads 4 siblings get to have their entire families with them on the cruise. My parents only get one out of 3 kids. My aunt who has 5 kids, told my grandparents that she didn't want her kids to come becuase "she needed a break." She is bringing two of her kids only.
It's all really weird, and I suspect some manipulation on some of aunts' part and it hurts to think this way about my family.
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I like MW's response the best. To me, all this appears to be is cause a rift in the family. I can understand all grandkids are invited, but those w/ spouses/SOs would have to pay for that spouse/SO to come along. But since you mentioned there are others that don't have spouses aren't invited either, it's just plain weird IMO.
I'd be pissed too and I don't think anyone here faults you for your vent.
thats stupid. They should have invited everyone but made everyone pay a small fee to make up for the the obviously huge expense. I mean, even food is included on those things. surely 24+ family members paying $100/person could more than cover the extra members????
I would be terribly, terribly upset. I don't see how the parents are standing for it, frankly. I sure as hell would not go if my kids were being excluded.
I totally get finance issues, though. They could easily either do less of a cruise - or ask everyone to contribute a few hundred bucks. Parents could kick in for their kids if the kids can't afford it themselves.
I would not hide my hurt feelings. I'd probably call my grandparents and tell them how hurt I was. Not make any demands, just tell them that this really hurt my feelings.
I also probably wouldn't go to the Christmas thing. Or if I was there and they talked about the cruise, I'd burst into tears.
Oh my mom is livid. She was practically crying when she told me. She thinks this is just a pattern with her ILs of playing favorite games...like kids table at Thanksgivings and sibling photos that don't include spouses, etc, etc....my dad thinks the boat will sink given the bad feelings this trip is creating....lol (he's kidding).
And no I'm not going on the cruise. It's not a good time for me anyway. And at this point in time, being trapped on a boat with everyone does not sound worth it.
So horrible. I am so sorry! My feelings would DEFINITELY be hurt. That's crap.
Why take along like 25 and leave 5?! WTH?
((((hugs from me)))))
Yes, I have been mentally formulating a letter in my head. The only thing is my grandparents, for whatever reason, don't think they have done anything wrong. They are getting older though and I wonder if someone convinced them to set up the cruise in this fashion (and I hate thinking this way about my family). On the other hand, my grandfather is not afraid to cut people out of his life; he cut his brother's out for failing to show up at their mother's 90th b-day. He is very Italian like that. So I don't really want to rock the boat. And in the end, I really do love my grandparents. And it makes me want to cry thinking these thoughts about them.
I am also a little miffed at my parents for not refusing the trip. But they said it wouldn't go over well if they did this. I don't think they will have a good time.
What if your parents flat out refuse to go and explained why. Wanting to pay for everyone's way is very generous but maybe only covering part would allow the entire family to go. I wouldn't go anyway, because as you said, being trapped on a boat with all of them would take all the fun out.
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That is exceptionally poor judgement on their part. Really offensive and hurtful.
It's *really* really rough that they arbitrarily excluded five of you, and you have every right to be hurt.
I'm not normally an advocate of making parents do stuff that we can do as grown adults, but I think your parents need to step in here. 1) find out the reason you and others were excluded 2) explain to grandparents why this is hurtful 3) find out what can be done instead (e.g. all the siblings throw in X dollars to cover the non-covered kids, you guys pay your own way, etc.)
You don't want this to damage your relationship long-term. Sometimes old cranky people think things make perfect sense, but that's only true in their heads. I'm sure they have what they think is a good reason... and I'm sure they love and respect you enough to have a discussion about why this hurts your feelings. Those are legit feelings and you have a right to give them a voice.
Hang in there!
My 20 year old sister is invited. But my 20 year old cousin is excluded. So if it's based on age, they did something wrong.
I almost think my sister was invited to "baby sit" all the younger cousins. Ha! Fun times for her!
That is ridiculous. There are plenty of acceptable ways to handle the situation if they can't afford to pay for everyone; this is certainly not one of them.
I completely understand your being upset and also your difficulty with what to do next. I am a "don't rock the boat"er at heart, so I get it.
I guess my only advice comes from my experiences with ILs and not getting at all what they're doing or what their motivation is - chances are good they've got some explanation that makes sense to them and that it's not out of spite. All you can do is remember that they love you - you probably wont ever understand it, but there's nothing you can do to change it either. That doesn't make anything go away, but it can help to dial down the angry beast.
Zombie hugs
LMW
I really appreciate your thoughts! This has been kind of eating at me for a month...
In the end, just knowing the family dynamic that I have, I'm not sure that I can safely say anything w/out irreparably damaging some relationships. If these people thought they were doing something wrong, I don't think they would do it.
What sucks the most is that I feel like I am seeing my family in a new unpleasant light. That's really the worst part. Why doesn't anyone think this is wrong? Don't they have any ethics?
Again THANK YOU! I really needed to get that out. Since it's not likely I will be able to talk to any of them.
This is totally something my family wouldn't see a problem with doing. I'd be p!ssed, too, and like major, i would demand to see the formula.
I would be really pissed too. I'm sorry : (
I can't believe they aren't even letting you pay your own way. WTF?!
I wouldn't say anything if I were you. If it's not common sense to these people that what they're doing is mean, then bringing it up won't do any good. JMHO. I don't see what you would gain by making it an issue, even though it would probably feel awesome to let them know how much they suck.
p.s. I too have a grandma that sucks so I know how it feels.
Hmmm. I'll think about this strategy. Seems to be a level headed approach. Thanks.
But I never thought my paternal family sucked before now.
Again, that's the hardest part. And I am convinced my aunts played some role...
Mulling everything over. Thanks!
Why would your parents allow you to be treated in this manner? My parents in such a situation would decline the gift and stay home as well OR they would offer to pay for your expenses.
Is the reason you are not included that you are married and the others are not? .
This is insane. I would be very upset. What kind of formula are they employing here? It doesn't make any sense! I am really sorry that you are going through this!
Chiming in late, but I think that you have every right to be pissed. I obviously don't mean to rag on your parents, but I cannot even imagine accepting a trip where two of my three kids were excluded.
I'd probably not say anything myself, but I would expect my parents to speak up about it. That is not right.
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