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Am I a bad person? MIL story....
So here is the deal. H and I have a larger income than both my mom and his parents. We also have an inheritance from my dad and grandma.
Well, about 4 months ago, my mom needed some work done on her teeth. She was in a lot of pain and need a bridge replaced among other things with her teeth. She waited so long because she didn't have the money (she is retired and just does not have enough money coming in). So I talked to H and we decided to pay for it. This is the 1st time my mom has ever asked me to pay for anything. She even said that she would pay me back. I told her not to worry about it.
Well, MIL somehow (we think that BIL over heard H talking to my mom about her teeth and telling her not worry about the money) found out that we gave my mom this money. Now, she is asking us for money to redo her kitchen. She makes these little comments while talking to H and I about how we are some much better off than they will ever be.... blah, blah, blah.....
I out right told H that I was not ok with giving her money to redo her kitchen out of the inheritance and he said that was fine. So he and I are on the same page, but when we told MIL she got all offended saying that we helped out my mom, but not her.
I feel like this is different because it was a health and pain issue. H agrees. We told MIL that, but she just see's it as we giving my mom money and not her.
I think I am experiencing some reluctance to give her anything because I don't particularly like her that much. And I am still bitter about how she reacted when she found out how much my dad's life insurance policy was.... which she was laughing and happy. I could hear her screaming with joy over the phone while she was talking with H. Yeah, the woman has no tact. I was livid.
And I did have a convo with DH about this and he said it was bad and he didn't even know why he told her. He said that he was in daze and not really thinking. We don't discuss money with them anymore at all. That was the last time and it was 2 years ago. She still tries to pry, but to no avail.
Anyway,
Am I wrong here? About giving my mom but not his mom?
Re: Am I a bad person? MIL story....
LOL! You know.... it might be worth it....
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
No, you're not wrong.
Don't allow her to make you feel guilty. If she were in severe pain every day and needed dental work she couldn't afford, I'm guessing you and your H would at least consider helping her out, as you have done with your mom. But needing a kitchen makeover is not in the same category of urgency as needing dental work. AND, your mom's misfortune =/= MIL's chance to "get her fair share" or to cash in.
If she continues to hint around about you guys paying for her stuff, just ignore it. Or leave it to your H to rebuff her hints.
Why why why did DH ever divulge to MIL how much the inheritance was for?! Yours & his financials should be kept private...especially from 2 yr olds like MIL.
I don't see why the situation was just never simply avoided by dodging MIL's request.
DH: "Mom, I don't know what BIL told you or what he thinks he 'overheard' but we are not loaning money to anyone."
This statement is not far from the truth, as you & DH are infact not 'loaning' the money to your mom - but rather giving it to her
See how that works.
But now that the scenario has taken a bad turn, I would say to approach the situation head on and tell MIL that you & DH are not a bank and what you do with your money is your business. Tell her that a health emergency and a brand new kitchen are not to be compared.
This woman needs boundaries and you & DH have to set them. Stop telling her information and then she can't meddle. The less she knows, the more in the dark she is.
We actually told her "no" together on speaker phone. I don't really talk to her anymore. Unless we see them in person which is not often. She talks to her H for a half hour every Sunday.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
This!
If your MIL ever tries to play the "you gave $X to your mom," card, you/DH should tell her "what we do for my mom (or DH's MIL) is none of your business."
I would like a kitchen re-do, too! But I haven't gotten one because, gee, I can't afford it!
This!
If your MIL ever tries to play the "you gave $X to your mom," card, you/DH should tell her "what we do for my mom (or DH's MIL) is none of your business."
I would like a kitchen re-do, too! But I haven't gotten one because, gee, I can't afford it!
No, you guys aren't in the wrong. Your MIL is way out of line.
Ditto everyone. No, you aren't a bad person. I don't know where your MIL got the notion that because she and your mom are both "moms" that somehow you and DH need to treat them 100% the same.
Different situations. entirely. Which is the point- you did what you did because of the situation your mom was in. Not because it was your "mom".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Just want to echo everyone else - you are not wrong.
For her to even compare necessary dental work to kitchen renovation is ridiculous. Plus, your inheritance is from YOUR dad and grandma, both of whom I would assume would have wanted you to use some of the money for your mother's health.
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The only thing that you've done wrong is offering his mom explanations for how you spend your money. I'd stick with "We appreciate your concern, however you do not need to worry about how we spend our money. It's under control" and change the subject.
I agree with your reasoning, but she doesn't need to know it. Offering explanations seems like she has a right to an opinion.
It's really very simple: you don't owe anyone anything. Life isn't "fair" - it's about doing what you think is right, and helping your mother get her teeth fixed was "right" for me. It's a priority, and it's health related, and it was very nice of you. But your MIL's decision to update her kitchen, well, that's not on your priority list and that's fine. More than fine, actually. It's your decision and like I said, you don't owe anyone anything.
It seems to me that your MIL equates money with love, and that to her, your giving your mother the money to fix her teeth (even though she's not considering that aspect; she's probably just looking at it as giving your mother money, period) should be evened out by your giving her money as well. She might not have the most tact (her reaction to your father's life insurance policy was disgusting, if you ask me), and she's putting you in a no win situation - either you give her the money and be disgusted in yourselves, or you don't give her the money and you end up the "bad guys."
But you determine how this situation ultimately comes out. Tell her that you won't give her the money for something that you don't deem necessary. He who has the gold makes the rules, and this is your rule. She might *** and moan and gripe about it, but that's not a bad -- after all, if you give her money for her kitchen, what makes you think she won't come back with her hand outstretched when she needs a new car or living room furniture?
You are not wrong at all. It is none of your in-laws business what you and you H do with your money.
ROFL! I don't post much but that was just too great! Funny and the best advice ever!
I was just about to point this out
I know this. And H knows this as well. He is aware that I have final say on what happens with this moneys.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
I think you should do a big renovation on your MOM'S kitchen. And flip your MIL the bird when it's done.
Entitled prick.
I ask because for the fact that he WAY overshared w/ her in telling her about the amount of the policy in the first place, I just hope that he really gets it and that he's not just backing you up because it's what he's "supposed" to do as your DH. He's backing you up because he knows, REALLY knows, that his mother is way off base.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Wow, your MIL sure is ballsy.
I don't think you should have to explain to MIL why you're not giving her money, but if you do, I would just say that if MIL needs an expensive medical procedure to alleviate suffering in the future, you will do what you can to help. That does not include a handout for a new kitchen.
And why was she cackling when she found out how much the life insurance policy was? I don't see how, in any circumstance, the reaction would be laughter.
Me, too.
"We're not discussing our financial matters with you. What we do with our money is our choice. If you continue to bring up this issue we will either end the visit or hang up the phone."
Your MIL is trying to play the victim, and will try to guilt trip you. She's causing these problems on her own by having unrealistic expectations. She also sounds like a person with hidden agendas and is passive-aggressive. Be firm.