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how often should you see your in-laws? need your opinions!!
first here's a little background - DH and I live in NYC and his parents live in Seattle. We've been married for 6 years and for the first few years of our marriage we lived in Seattle so we saw his parents almost every week.
Since we moved a few years ago, we've seen them 8-12 times a year. Some of these visits are long, maybe a week to 10 days, and some of them are shorter, like 2-4 days. We always stay with them when we visit and they always stay with us when they visit.
I think we see them too much as it is, but MIL and FIL think that we don't see them enough and are always trying to get us to visit more or let them visit more.
DH doesn't want to see them more, partly because we have jobs and a life and it's not easy travelling across the country all the time or hosting them so often, and partly because his parents drive him crazy with their neediness. But he feels obligated because he feels sorry for them.
how often do y'all see your in-laws?? what is normal??
Re: how often should you see your in-laws? need your opinions!!
My ILs live a 6 hr car ride away, except when they go to FL for winter. We see them 2-4 times a year, usually for a long weekend (never a full week). Between our work schedules and the kids' schedules, there just isn't more time.
My H does talk to his parents once a week to check in, chat, etc.
I can't believe you travel cross-country almost once a month. That seems a bit much.
There really is no "normal".
And as you all used to see them weekly, there needs to be a little understanding on your part that going to even 8 -12 times a year is a big adjustment for them.
I'll tell ya- I used to live in another state and at the time, it wasn't a big deal to see my parents. But now that I have a child, I hate the thought that he might have the same attitude I did. To go weeks or even months w/o seeing him feels horrendous to me!
Past that - I will say that for travel across country, 8 - 12 times a year seems like a lot. That's basically once a month!
How much vacation time are you using to do this? How much is it costing you? I think you need to look at it from that perspective. If you spend all your time on going to see them and not taking vacation for just the two of you, I would not be happy. And when they come to see you - are you both expected to take time off?
My advice - find a middle ground. Don't make it about "we see them too much". Make it about your own lives and commitments and budget. If you really don't have the time to go see them, then you dont' have the time. If you want to go to Tahiti, then you should be able to do that. Etc etc etc.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
8-12 times a year? Your fingers slipped on the keyboards, right, because surely you didn't mean 8-12 times a year? And anywhere from 2-10 days? I need to sit down. I'm having a panic attack.
But seriously, I think you're doing way more than you need to. Maintain the current visiting schedule if you must, but for goodness' sake, don't add any more to it. There's clearly no need.
Here's another thing to think about - they want to see you more, they keep "trying". But what does that really mean? NOt much. Unless they are putting a gun to your head, all you and your DH need to say is "Wish we could, but unfortunately it's not feasible!". (Don't go into a litany of reasons - the less you give, the less they can argue).
My IL's are kind of like this, but only live 40 mins away. FIL is always like "Oh- it's been forever since we've seen you (and it's been a week or two)".... "Oh, I wish we could see you all more.", etc.
Yes, it's annoying, but DH is just always like "Yeah, well, we wish we could too, but we're just really busy.". Period, end of story.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ditto ECB.
My IL's are 3 and 12 hours away respectively. The ones that are 3 hours away we see maybe once every two months for an overnight visit (either we visit them or they visit us). It used to be more, but it got to be too much so we started saying "Sorry, we can't we're too busy/can't afford the extra gas this week". They didn't like it, but it was for the best.
My other IL's are in Boston and if we see them once a year we consider ourselves lucky we got to see them last year after DS was born and we'll see them again this November.
My parents are 8 hours away and we see them maybe 1-3 times a year depending on the year.
I'll give you the other side of the coin a little bit...
We visit my future in laws about once a month. They only live about 2.5 hours away though and we don't have children to tote along with us. I couldn't imagine flying to see them that often or going so frequently if we had kids to pack, transport, and worry about. Then again... I guess if we did have kids, they'd come visit us a lot more frequently.
I should also say that I get along abnormally well with my FMIL. We actually have a lot in common and enjoy seeing each other. I'll even visit every now and then without FI to have a shopping day or whatever.
I don't think there is a "normal" amount to see them but if it's affecting your happiness with your DH or you're only going/hosting them out of a feeling of obligation... you should visit with them less. Talk to your DH about it and let him know that he's more obligated to your new family than his parents in a way that doesn't sound abbrasive.
I see MIL once a year.She lives 400 miles from us.
I see my parents many times a week. DH sees them less than 10X a year and we live 3 miles away from them! ( I visit them after work or stop over on a weekend or something)
It works for us.
My ILs live 10 hrs by car. Under normal circumstances, we see MIL about 1x/quarter (3-4 times/yr), FIL once or twice.
My parents live on the opposite coast. We see them about 3-4 times/yr, too.
IL's live about 40 mins away. We see them once every couple weeks when they come to see DS for about 2 or 3 hours (and actually, this often happens when I'm at work).
My parents live about 30 mins away but we see them a couple times a week as they watch DS.
Before DS, we saw our families much less and honestly, I kind of regret it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
i get that there's no normal....but I'm just curious about other peoples' visiting patterns. I can see so far that no one sees their in-laws as often as I do.
I know they can't make me see them more. I really hate that instead of getting credit for putting up with them really often (in my opinion), they just make me feel guilty for not seeing them every spare moment we have.
It's been 1 1/2 years since I've seen my FIL. DH is visiting alone this weekend and has a couple other times in that time span. I'll see FIL next in Nov. They live ~5 hours away. FIL gives DH major guilt trips about not seeing him/us enough, but frankly, FIL is retired and hasn't been to visit us in ~4 years so I'm not getting aboard that train.
We see my parents more often, probably 4-10 times a year. They live about 1 1/2 hours away. They come to see us as often as we go to see them. They invite us when they have events we'd be interested in, FIL doesn't do that. They also don't try to guilt us when we haven't seen them in a while--instead they actually invite us to do something fun in their town or suggest a visit from them at ours--with no guilt involved if it doesn't work for us.
Again- they sound like my IL's I can remember one time we happened to see them two weeks in a row. The 2nd week, his dad was like "Oh, it's so good to see you. It's been awhile!". Uh, dude, we just saw you last week
Seriously, there is no winning.
However, that's on them. You have to leave it on them. dont' look for "credit", don't look for acknowledgement from them. They probably hate that their son lives across the country adn they are never going to get used to it. They will never be happy unless they live in the same city as him.
DH and I just roll our eyes at each other and laugh after the fact. This is how his dad is - we aren't going to change it. I think it's the same w/ your IL's.
It does sound like there is a bit of a disconnect between you and your DH (as he feels guilty and like he HAS to see them as often as you do), but at the same time, he is on the same page (at least) that you all can't see them MORE.
HAs he ever talked to them heart to heart and said "I love you, I miss see you as often as we used to. I want you to know that. But the reality is I live in NYC. It's just not going to be feasible to see each other as much. This doesn't mean I don't love you - I do. But I do need to ask that you respect that we're busy and while we TRY to see you often, it will probably never be as much as you want.".
I just wonder if hearing that might make them back off a little.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It will be different for every family based on distance and general desire to spend time together, but for use (meaning DH and I) that would be an excessive amount of travel and visiting.
My MIL is about a 6-7 hour drive away. We only go visit her about once a year tops (and really it's more like once every 1-3 years). She comes to our town about every 6-8 weeks, but she alternates between our house and my SIL's house. It's really more often than I would prefer, but most of the time she doesn't expect us to entertain her and she frequently will cook for use, which makes it bearable.
My parents live about a 9-10 hour drive away and if they are lucky I'll go down twice a year (usually once to visit at their home, and once to go camping with them). They will sometimes come up here once in a year. This is about right for me, but my mom is constantly trying to guilt trip us into visiting more. We refuse to cave into her demands, but despite promises on here that she'll stop, so far after 7 years that hasn't happened yet.
My in-laws live about 30 min away and we see them once or twice a month, for a couple hours at a time (for dinner or something similar). My parents live 4 hours away and we see them about 6 times a year (give or take), usually for a day or two at a time. I talk to my parents on the phone once per week. I imagine we'll see more of both sets when we have children, which is fine because I love them all.
I agree that your visits sound pretty excessive. Why does your H feel sorry for them? Do they not have other things to do with their time? Is he an only child?
We live in AZ; my parents live in MN and in-laws live in PA.
I go back to MN (mostly without DH) 2-3 times a year (long-weekend trips); we go to PA twice a year (Christmas and 4th of July).
DH's parents visit a couple of times a year for a week or two at a time; my parents live in AZ during the winter, but we only see them 2 or 3 times (they like their space -- lol).
Wow, mine are a four hour drive and we see them MAYBE 4 times a year. We only go out there once or twice.
You're clearly better children then we are.
We all live in the same town. I see my parents at church on Sunday and they watch my daughter on Fridays, so we eat dinner together Friday night. I see my ILs 2 or 3 times a month for about 4 to 6 hours at a time.
Since we all live so close it is no big deal. Our time spent with the ILs is longer, but less frequent. My time spent with my parents is 2 to 3 hours or less. The real reason we see all of them so often is because my daughter is almost 3 and her grandparents just love to spend time with her.