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Advice please (long, sorry)
I am mostly a lurker here and rarely post, but I am hoping for some advice as I feel I've tried everything and it isn't working...
Brief history: My brother in law is developmentally disabled. He is a grown man and lives in a group home. We live far away, so don't deal with this on a regular basis, but he is coming to visit us soon. I do not hold any of his mental delays against him, but my problem is more with how my husband and his mother react to them. We get monthly reports that tell us about him and what we need to do to keep everyone safe in his presence. He has never hurt a child, but the studies show he is sexually aroused by children and does not have the mental capacity to know right from wrong. So, we all know this and I feel I take the proper measure to protect my children and anyone around my brother in law. When he comes to visit, I have to work 2 days that I cannot be home. I want to take my children to daycare, but my husband wants them home to get to spend more time with his family. I do not trust my husband or mother in law to be as vigilent as I would be in protecting my kids. They aren't awful people, just kind of laid back and lazy when it comes to worrying about anything. Basically, they wouldn't allow him to do something inappropriate, but they don't think about the fact that he shouldn't be allowed to head upstairs alone to the bathroom or something when one of my kids is napping up there...
I'm so worried I could throw up and it's causing major stress in my marriage. I accept his brother for everything that he is and don't hold it against him, but I cannot stand being the only one worried about my kids. I take the reports that the doctors write very seriously and I'm frustrated they don't think "he would ever do anything...".
I need advice because the only think I can do is talk to my husband and trust he will hold up his end of the bargain. My problem with that is that I know he isn't as concerned as I am and that his "promises" don't always stick... Any advice on how to handle this effectively would be greatly appreciated!!
Thank you!
Re: Advice please (long, sorry)
When it comes to the safety of children, I would say more is better, so I agree with you. Tell your H to use the time to have fun alone with his bro and mom without having to stress about keeping an eye on bro if he wanders the house.
ETA: btw, I used to work for a company that had group homes and I would take their reports/notes/comments very seriously. They don't write things in them that are unnecessary.
I would take your kids to daycare and let that be the end of that.
I also think you should really consider why it is that you don't trust your H to be incredibly vigilant with your children around his brother. I have to be honest, if I was in your shoes, I am pretty sure I'd be packing my bags as soon as I go the feeling that the feelings of my BIL were more important than the safety of our children.
Wow - really? How do you remain married to this man if you do not trust that he will protect your children under any circumstances (especially if a potential child molester is around)?
Why are you having your brother visit your house with children around if he might be a potential danger to them?
I think this comes down to whether you trust your husband or not. I would like to think that if the doctors thought he absolutely, positively could not be around children, then they wouldn't have released him knowing where he was going.
I would like to think that your husband and MIL, having a lifetime of experience with BIL, know what may happen and are taking every precaution to protect your child. If you truly don't trust your husband to be able to do this (let alone your MIL to protect her grandchild), then I honestly don't know how you're functioning as a family unit or a married couple. That's sad.
If the trust really isn't there, take the child to day care regardless of how much whining you get from him and his family.
"I would like to think that your husband and MIL, having a lifetime of experience with BIL, know what may happen and are taking every precaution to protect your child."
I think that in situations of developmental or similar issues, there's a certain level of denial from the parents as a coping mechanism, and it wouldn't be shocking if that kind of dynamic was the norm for the siblings too.
How old are your children? Are they old enough to understand that "Uncle Jim is never to touch you anywhere private, ever ever ever and if he does they have to find you immediately?"
Also, how much of this stay will your BIL be there that you cannot be around your children?
I will say I am confused as to why you would allow him to stay in your home. I would pay for a hotel if need be -because if you really don't trust him to be able to control himself around your children, what will you do when you are sleeping? Lock the kids in your room for the night?
There are certain times in life when you have to do what you think is right, damn the consequences. This qualifies as one of those times - first and foremost you need to protect your children. But again, if you are so concerned, I don't understand why you would have him come stay with you.
"...but the studies show he is sexually aroused by children and does not have the mental capacity to know right from wrong."
Are you saying that generic studies show that people with similar disabilities may be attracted to children or that these were studies were with your BIL specifically? If the later the children go to day care and if some feelings get hurt so be it. Other wise, since we don't know the specifics of the disability it would be hard to judge. If possible, I would talk to his primary doctor and ask them for some informed, objective advice.
But to Catcronley's question - you're kind of vague about "studies". Have they tested him specifically, or are they generic studies that "often" times people w/ his issues become aroused?
In the end, you have to do what is best for your kids, even if it means making yoru DH angry. But again - I can't get past that you can't trust your own DH to do whatever is necessary to protect his children.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think the combination of denial (which I'm sure is going on here: no one wants to think that someone they love/are close to is "broken") and the laid back attitude you described is a recipe for disaster.
IIWY, I'd have a talk with my husband and tell him that I want for both of us to contact BILs doctor directly and to speak with him together (speakerphone, maybe, or conference call). Explain to the doctor the exact circumstances and ask him for his opinion on what you should do to protect your children (and any other considerations, given that he'll be at your home). Get your H to agree beforehand that whatever the doctor recommends, you'll *both* follow-up on, and tell him that you feel apprehensive about the situation.
I will say that I'm not sure how much the doctor will tell you, given the issues around privacy and confidentiality, but it's worth asking.
Good luck!
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
This.
I don't necessarily think that the OP not trusting her H to be as vigilant is indicitive of the state of their marriage. I think there is always a certain amount of coping or "excuses" made for family members...its hard to admit that your family could do something so irresponsible/tragic, even if a medical profession who is unbiased about the situation says so.
I completely agree that family relationships can skew one's perception, and denial is common in situations like these. For the sake of argument let's say that DH does have denial issues. But this is what was a red flag for me:
If OP sits down with husband and says something like "I don't want BIL to hold (child)," and he agrees only to appease her (with no intention of doing what she requests), that's a problem in the marriage. It's a lack of trust, respect and the ability to communicate. Whether he's concerned or in denial, his promises should "stick."
THIS. If you have any doubt whatsoever that your H will be as vigilant as you are, don't take the chance. Your children do not deserve to be victims of molestation because you didn't want to rock the boat with your husband.
This 100%!
Tell your husband that if your BIL does anything to your kids, you'll take a knife and plunge it into BILs head. To avoid the possibility that you'll be taking the kids to daycare.
I would also tell your H that you don't trust him, and remind him of any promises he has made before about his brother that he has broken. I would show how angry you are at H for putting your kids in this position.
When you take the kids to daycare, tell them that the children are ONLY to be released to you, not dh and not MIL.
In the future, I think you'll have to decline BILs visits to your home. It's not healthy for your marriage. It's unfortunate, but there is no reason why he can't stay at a hotel, especially if MIL is around.
Ok, so this is definitely something I never thought I would discuss with internet strangers...but...it may help you make a firmer decision. When I was around 6/7/8, not sure exactly, I was molested by my uncle who has downs syndrome. He has a severe case and his IQ is somewhere in the 20's. To be clear, it was not rape. This happened in my grandparents house with my mom and grandparents present, on several occasions. So basically if a person has working 'parts', regardless of mental capacity, they have urges. Based on my personal experiences I would NOT let him be alone with my children. Can you just take those days off of work?
That being said, I don't think my uncle is chester the molester, he is very mentally handicapped and acted on impulse. It does not change the fact that I was molested and I have had to deal with it, but the bottom line is you have to protect your kids. GL
I would inform your husband that under no circumstances will your children be around your BIL without you present... and arrange for them to be in daycare.
Even if the children are old enough to know that their uncle should not be touching them in inappropriate ways it can still be traumatizing for them to be put into that situation.
GL
I would have to agree with most of you about not understanding how I would remain with my husband if I couldn't trust him and it's really hard to describe... It's a totally different situation than I can wrap my head around. I didn't grow up with his brother and my husband has spent his life dealing with the hardships and knowing what he is capable of... Don't get me wrong, I'm not making excuses, but I will admit that I am WAY OVER the top when it comes to my children and their safety. Don't get me wrong, I don't condone EVER putting them in harms way, but if I could wrap them in bubble wrap and protect them from everything for the rest of their lives, then I would... My husband does read the reports and takes them seriously and I believe he worries more than he lets on, but knows not to add to mine, so instead he downplays it to make me feel better which only worries me more than he won't be "careful" enough. My mother in law is SUPER laid back and I will not let her take care of my kids alone. She would never do something to harm them, but she is just one of those people that thinks nothing bad is going to happen EVER. My husband has a little of that in him. Here is what happens that makes me worry he won't be as hypersensitive to it as I am. Last time we discussed how what we would do to protect our kids, and his brother would NEVER be out of sight, etc. and I would notice his brother walking out of a room or something and instantly be sooo annoyed that my husband wasn't right on him... Maybe I am over the top, but I don't care. It was a holiday, and say my husband was on the other side of the room in a conversation with other people - he doesn't notice his brother because is he used to being around him. I spend every waking moment around his brother, knowing where he is and what he's doing and it annoys my that my husband can get distracted. Basically, I am totally miserable around his family knowing I am the only one that worries about something happening and I want to share the burden!
He does take some precautions to keep our kids safe but I see little things when I'm around that would bother me if they happened as I wasn't there. I am not making excuses, but his brother has not ever done anything wrong, but I'm not willing to let the first time EVER happen with anyone's kids.
I really don't understand why you have him over your house. Why not limit your interactions with him to meals out in restaurants or something? Or do you have family you can leave your kids with when he comes over (i.e. a long weekend at your parents' house?)?
Do his doctors know he comes to your house and you have children? What do they say about that?
I would take your girls to daycare, end of story.
Out of curiousity, what precautions will you have in place to protect them while everyone is sleeping?
Thank you for the advice everyone! I think I will just put my foot down and take them to daycare. I will just accept the backlash it causes and not lose a second of sleep over it. (my mother in law doesn't like me anyway, I can just give her another reason....)
I may have painted too harsh of a picture, he isn't in some sort of lockdown home, he is with his family almost every weekend and has other nieces and nephews and I'm the only one that make this big of a deal about it. But, I refuse to allow myself to downplay any information and let my guard down. So, I will continue to do what I feel like I need to do and stress to the rest of the family they need to take it all more seriously.
I really appreciate all of the feedback! This issue is basically the only stressor in our marriage and thankfully we live far away and only deal with it once a year.
I have thought about the sleeping thing and I'm sure I will end up with both of my kids in my bed
We will be on a different floor and have monitors, but I don't think that will be enough for me. I'm sure I will freak out and not be able to sleep until I have both of them with me.
I'm not counting out anything, but I don't really think he would seek out one of the kids, I think it would be more of a thought that occurred if he were to end up alone with one. Don't know why I'm trying to get in his head, but if you knew him you would know. I think the biggest problem is that he has the body of a man, but the mental capacity of a child... The things I read in the report are basically to keep all temptations away - no baths, nakedness, etc in front of him. Minimize any urges and I plan to do so.
If you honestly think this way, it isn't healthy for you or for your children. And if you're acting this way around your husband's family and you freak out over every little thing, they aren't going to be inclined to take your concerns seriously in this case.
I think this is an interesting point and I wanted to follow up on it- I'm not going to talk about the daycare vs. leave kids at home issue since others have responded and you've already decided, etc. After this visit is over and the specific issue has passed, I think this is worth a general discussion with your husband. I would just start by saying, "I realize I do a lot of overreacting and worrying over the children, and I've noticed that my reactions have gotten such that I see you downplaying your own concerns in order to balance me out. I feel like this is starting a cycle with us in our marriage- I overreact, you counterbalance by underreacting, I feel like I need to compensate by overreacting, and on an on. I want to get back to a place where we balance each other but don't end up polarizing each other." And then, together, work out a plan. Decide what issues are truly safety issues and which are panic, where you will (as a team!) draw lines as boundaries.
Just putting out there- I was also hurt, in a completely predictable way, by a relative when I was a child, and the only flipping reason for it was that my mother denied her gut instinct because she didn't want to make a stink and my other relatives didn't think anything bad would *really* happen- no joke, reading posts like this make my stomach knot. I also want to point out, though- honestly, I don't necessarily wish my mom was more "vigilant" in the traditional sense- in every other aspect of my life, she did helicopter me kind of a lot, so growing up, I felt both smothered and unsafe. What I really wished for, both then and to this day, was that everyone had been more balanced in their concern- i.e. that everyone had been worried about the relative (an obvious source of concern) but that I was allowed to go on a field trip without one of my parents having to be present as a chaperone (bubble-wrap over concern). KWIM? Balance is good here.
Thank you so much MrsGinger! That is great advice.
Luckily, even though I am insanely worried about my kids, I do allow to let them do almost everything. I am crazy on the inside about it, but realize it's not healthy for them to be too overly protected. But, I do express my concerns to my husband to the point he thinks I worry too much and downplays my concern...
The worst part about this whole situation is that I never used to read the information from the social workers, etc (meaning before we were married), so the first time I did read them I was so insanely upset thinking back to situations (family picnics, parties, holidays) where the rest of the family did have this information and felt no need to take precautions. It made me think a LOT less of my mother in law and I don't know if she will ever get that respect back from me...