Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Age Gap - creepy? ok?
I'm not even sure what the question is, I just feel "funny" about this situation and not sure how to interact around them--especially at they (as a couple) are coming to visit and stay for a long weekend for the first time tomorrow. One of the individuals in this couple is a family member - I'm trying to be unbiased so I won't say which one.
Guy - 31; college degree, full time career job, no kids, never married/engaged.
Girl - 22; some college at a few programs (none completed), works full time in a service job (restuarant), no kids, never engaged/married.
I know that MYOB is the answer. How do I stop worrying about the family member getting hurt? Is this creepy/side-eye worthy or is in just in my head?
Re: Age Gap - creepy? ok?
I think it's creepy but you also need to MYOB.
In my opinion, (for the most part) men in this type of situation are in it for two things - sex and power.
I don't think 9 years is a big difference. It also depends on the individuals.
When I was 18 I dated a 27 year old. When I was 21, I dated a 31 year old. I was a mature 22 year old. I think I was more mature than each of those guys. I worked full time and owned my own house. I know people who are in their 30s who need to be carried to their cars from the bar each weekend.
I also married a 41 year old when I was 28. Age is a number. It just depends if the people are emotionally compatible.
I'd be side-eying the situation if she was 22 and he was 52, but 9 years is no biggie as long as they are on the same level.
That's the same age difference as my DH and I but I have a kid so I'm alot more grown up that 21.
A 31 and 22 year old rarely have a lot in common.
She's probably working full time in a restaurant because it's a survivalist jobs. I know of adults in their 30s, 40s and 50s who are doing the same.
It's definately okay.
And what, you wouldn't worry if the girl was dating another 22 guy? Because 22 yo guys are known for their stability and commitment?
And the guy would be less at risk for heartache from another 30 yo? Maybe, but aren't you just as worried that a college grad can stomp all over his heart as easily as a non-grad, service worker?
If they are happy, leave them alone. When no children are involved and eveyone is past 20 ... 9 years is not creepy. At all.
No, you weren't. You know how I know that? Because people who are truly mature don't walk around telling people how mature they are.
Nine years seems on the high side for me when one of the parties is 22 and has not completed her education. It seems like they're just in different places in their lives. If she's your family member and she asks for advice, you might want to tell her that there's an inherent power imbalance in a relationship when one person has an education, a career, and significant life experience that the other one doesn't have.
And seriously, if a guy in his late twenties or early thirties is dating a girl 21 or younger, she's not super-mature. He's immature. The difference is that she's likely to continue developing emotionally; he isn't likely to have more significant growth.
I actually don't think it's creepy but I can't see it working out. But who knows? Maybe there maturity levels are very similar.
When I was 25 (immature in the dating world) I dated a 35 yo briefly who told me I acted like a 25 yo...lol....and I didn't "get" it at ALL at the time. Now I do, at 34.
When I was in my lates teens/early 20s I dated a couple of men up to ten years older than me.
Some aspects of the relationship were perfectly healthy. Some aspects of the relationship/nature of the other person simply meant it was never going to go anywhere and in hindsight I can see that the relationships weren't always healthy.
Did I think I was in love and that they were, 'the one"? At times. Did I get hurt? yes. Am I scarred for life by my dating experiences? No
I don't think the age thing here is really all that relevant. You don't think the other person is right for your family member. So that's for them to work out on their own, in their own time.
If you think there is some form of abuse or manipulation, then that is different, but again the age gap is irrelevant.
Both these people are adults, who will either end up being together forever, or, like most romantic couples, break up at some point. So I say, leave them to it.
She just squeaks into the "Half your age plus seven" rule (where it is no longer creepy).
DH is 14 years older than I am. There are still people on thenest who think our age difference is "creepy" and we have been married for 10 years!
MYOB. Your friend/family member is an adult. If s/he gets hurt - s/he's learned a lesson.
I would probably side-eye it, even though I did it.
I was 21 and DH was 28 when we started dating. In my favor, we were both in the same place in life (college students) and we both graduated and got "real" career jobs at the same time.
Anyway, I would just wonder what they had in common. Like I said DH and I were both broke college students and the same major...
Meh.
Could be a function of him being a tad immature.
DH is 10 years my senior. We met when I was 25 and without a degree. He was 35 and has a PhD. We both had a failed starter marriage.
We've been married 25 years. LOL, I did finally finish my degree.
I don't think it is creepy at all. I am 25 and the guy I am dating is 47 (No, he is not well-off. Its not about money). We do get odd looks when we are together but we have been friends for several years and we click very well.
I have always been attracted to older men. I honestly think that as long as both parties are adults its not a big deal.
I don't think it's creepy, if they are both adults. DH and I began dating when I was 19 and he was 30. I am now 23 and he's 34. We've been married 2 years, and while I think it's a bit early to call it a success after 2 years, it's gone well. We get complimented often about how easy going our marriage is and how well it flows.
If it works, then who's to judge? If two adults can find happiness, than who I am to judge them for it?
Last updated 4/06/11
Seriously, thank you everyone for your replies and perspectives. I am going to take a deep breath and get over myself
They are adults, and as far as I know, both are happy. To fill in the gaps, the guy in the scenario is my younger brother.
I do get your concern. I don't think it's creepy, per se, but 9 years can be a big gap depending on the people. Especially at 22. If you were talking 28 and 37, I wouldn't be as concerned.
however, this isnt' something to affect how you act around them. This is your brother's new GF - treat her how you've treated any previous new person in his life. Be welcoming and polite and try to get to know her.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This was the ages of when DH and I met, well close, he was 30 and I was 22. I had just finished school and started my first job where I met him. We moved in together quickly and pretty much gave my parents a heart attack. People probably thought it was weird.
It works for us. We've been together 6 years now and we have never been happier.
I think it totally depends on the couple and what they are looking for.
Are you even serious with that last statement? In it for "sex and power?" I'm sure my H would love to hear someone tell him that.
I completely disagree with this statement. I dated guys one year older than I was (23-24) and 4 years older than I was (26-30) who were controlling, and guys who were much older than I was (including DH - 13 years!) who were not.
Controlling people seek out people they can control. Young, old - - it really doesn't matter.
My H is 9 years older than me (i am still in my 20s.) We have a wonderful marriage and I don?t see how money and power seem to always find away into situations involving older men. My income is higher than my husband and there have never been any power plays in my situation.
I think the thing that stands out on this post and all of the replies, is that every situation is different. Some people are meant to be with each other regardless of age and some people find themselves in very bad situations. Let them decide what is best for them and try to have a good weekend with your visiting relative.
Guy - 37; no college degree, full time job, no kids, engaged twice, married once
Girl - 25; College degree, part time job working full time hours, no kids, engaged once, never married.
The guy is my FH and the girl is Me! I don't think that age is really a big deal in all honest! I dated a guy younger then me by a couple of months and a guy who was a couple of years older then me and neither of the guys were as grounded as FH which is why I was looking for in a relationship.