Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Sexting? How do you forgive and move on?
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Re: Sexting? How do you forgive and move on?
The funny thing is, anyone not in bump mode is going to have no idea this is being dug back up.
But yeah, I wanna know more too!
Wait. What?
Oh shiz.
Rather than asking advice from a bunch of women who have nothing better to do than give advice from their point of view, right or wrong, do what your gut tells you. All we can do is put thoughts in your head and screw it up even more. Ultimately, you decide and chances are you already know the answer. If you have to ask if you can, then tehre's already doubt that you can't move on.
Speaking from experience, I agree completely with this. My ex-husband did the same thing - only via IM & online sites. I can't tell you the number of chances I gave him, and the countless times I caught him on personal sites, or chatting it up with other girls. I didn't mind him having friends of the opposite sex...but I absolutely DID mind the manner in which he spoke to them, and the "alone" time he had with them. For years, I played 2nd (or 3rd) fiddle to his little girl "friends"...and I was his wife, I should have been #1.
I never had the courage to leave him. At the time, I told myself he wasn't really cheating...he was just being flirty. But, here I am several years later, happily re-married to a wonderful man. And looking back on that relationship, I can honestly say my ex wasn't being flirty, he literally crossed the line, several times. I was just too afraid to leave to really believe it.
I won't tell you to leave him, divorce him, or anything like that. What I will tell you is what I should have learned myself during that first relationship. Listen to your gut...I've learned most of the time, it's pretty dead on.
How do you know that the sexting has stopped? I would not be able to trust at this point to know that. Guys can be clever in their ways of cheating so I would be very cautious.
I was wondering the same thing!
Hello! Some of us have bump mode. We can see you! lol
I have recently gone through a similar situation with my husband of 2 1/2 years, so I wanted to share. He was having an 'emotional affair' with a co-worker. They were texting non-stop all day, all hours of the day. They'd go to lunch together (just the 2 of them). Some of it was just stupid stuff like what's on television, some of it was flirtatious comments that made me uncomfortable when I read them. Nothing physical had happened (by the time I caught him) He says he had no feelings for her and that it was purely just random misc. texting to escape from things including being a new father (we had a little girl this past April). I found out this wasn't the only person he was having these flirtatious conversations with. I got into his Facebook and found he talked this way to others, and led them to believe he had feelings for them.
Basically, I had told myself (and him) a long time ago, that if he ever cheated on me, I would be out the door. Of course we had never had the conversation about what exactly was acceptable or unacceptable in our marriage (but obviously he knew what he was doing was wrong or he wouldn't have been hiding it from me.)
I guess to make a long story short, the difference is my husband knew we needed help and counseling and agreed to get it, once I agreed I wanted to work things out. In any relationship there are going to problems, and ups and downs. I could have gotten divorced and remarried and relive the same thing again with a new person. My daughter could have not had a father. He is 'sexting' for a reason, and something needs to be fixed in your relationship. Trust me, I know it's hard, I thought my relationship was perfect! (and so did everyone else) You both made a commitment to be with each other for the rest of your lives. Of course, if he will not get the help you both need, then it makes it difficult for you. My husband and I went to 3 or so counseling sessions. But the thing that helped most is that I have the tools to deal with situations like this. And now he does too. I did Landmark education about a year ago, and without it, I wouldn't be in such a good place that I am with my husband (I only just caught him in the beginning of August) My husband did the seminar too, and what he realized is that the person he was being was not the person he has to be in the future. He is now 100% committed to being there for me and our daughter, no matter what. It took this to realize how valuable his life as he has it is. People forget so easily how good they have it, until they mess up and almost lose it.
Don't get me wrong, it was hard. And it's still hard. Every mention of his work is hard for me. And it's going to be hard for a long time. But I realize that because he did this, it doesn't mean he doesn't love me. It doesn't mean he's a horrible person. It doesn't mean he will do it again.
Maybe you need to give your husband an ultimatum (i hate to compare it to an intervention for a drug addict, but it is similar in my opinion) He's getting something from this 'sexting' that he isn't getting from you. And if he can't get help, then you should probably leave?as hard as it is.
Seriously. Wtf?
I guess... but why not make a new thread and discuss it there instead of raising it like fuucking Lazarus here. Its annoying.
My (now ex) fiance did this to me as well. He would spend all night on the computer, im'ing different girls and having "cyber" sex with them. I knew cuz he wasn't smart enough to change his yahoo password. When I confronted him about it, he blew up in my face, saying it was my fault, that I never wanted him. I thought that was interesting considering it was me who always wanted him, but he pushed me away, saying he was tired or didn't feel like it. I left a year ago. Several weeks later I found out I was pregnant. We got back together in March cuz he showed signs of having changed. It was all fine and dandy until he got back from his annual two week guard training in July. He started doing the same thing. Even after our son was born in August, he would do it. He never held our son except at the hospital when the doctor handed him to my ex. Even in the hospital he was a complete ass to me. He was "taking care" of himself right in the hospital room we were in! While I was less than five feet away, crying from painful contractions! When I asked him later about it, he used the excuse that he thought I would like to see him do that! Never once did he think to knock the *** off. I wanted to kick him outta the damn hospital for that!
You've already set some requirements to be together it sounds like. If he isn't willing to do those in order to have a marriage with you, then I have to wonder if he is worth it. I think its time to think about if you want to be treated like this for the rest of your life. Behavior like this never goes away
He would never forgive you if the situation was reversed!
I had gone through something similar. My guy was sending over 100 text messages a DAY to a girl he worked with. And they were ?just friends?. (Uh huh...ok fine I'll believe you) So what did I find out next??? That he was taking her out when he said he was going to hang out with the boys.
Texting, sexting, sneaking, cheating...none of that equals a marriage. Trust your gut. You know deep down that he was cheating. Whether it crossed the line sexually or not, he was still speaking and sneaking around with another female that was NOT his wife.
Agree on everything posted above...if he flips it to be your fault, then he's an azz. Things will proceed to get worse as the years go on with that one. Also, if he not willing to work on the marriage then remember actions speak louder than words. You love him. Yes. You want to be with him and probably don't want to "be a failure" or see your marriage fail. But girl...you do deserve better.
Trusting again after all that is something I would say that isn?t really possible. Yes, you can SAY you forgive him and try to move on. BUT...every time the phone rings, or he gets a text message, works late or is going out with friends...you will always have the doubt in your head. Even if only for a second. And in my own personal opinion...he got busted?next time...it will be harder for you to catch him because men just get smarter on how to cover their tracks.
If you don't have any kids...then I would say tell him its counseling or the door. If he doesn?t want to put the effort in then take the hint and get a lawyer. This way you can know that you tried to make the marriage work and it was him and his devious ways that broke it apart.
If you do have kids...then realize that though you may want to keep the family together for the sake of the kids...in the long run more harm will come from that. Every time you doubt him, it will lead to an argument (which will get more and more intense over the years) and the kids will see two parents that resent and dislike each other that argue all the time. Which isnt what you want to teach them.
I?m so sorry that you are stressed and sad about this man that promised to be your everything. L
And why is this the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd post for a lot of them? Are they AEs? Lurkers? I'm so confused by this.
Okay, first of all, I can tell that I'm in the minority here, but I believe that marriage is forever. When you married your husband, you agreed to "for better or for worse" and right now, you're in the worse part. While I agree that your husband needs to man up about the situation, I also believe that you need to think about what you want.
Ultimately, you have to decide if you want to work this out. Your very first question was "How do you not only forgive, but move on and start to trust again?" which tells me that you want to make this marriage work, but are hearing that it's not worth it. If you truly love this man, then fight for the marriage and for him. I can't tell you how to go about trying to fix things because every person and situation is different, but since you wanted to go to counseling I would start there. See a counselor by yourself to help with the forgiveness part, because that has to come from you regardless of his further actions and decisions.
Oh, and "once a cheater, always a cheater" does not always hold true. I've cheated in relationships (including the early stages of dating my now husband) but have been with him for over 10 years (since the cheating) and haven't considered cheating on him during that time. Again, every person and every relationship is different. I am not the same person that I was when I was prone to cheating and my relationships were different then, too. Recognize that people can, and do, change. When they're ready and willing.
Best of luck to you!
I didnt get to read all the many replies but I am sure my thoughts will deviate from what some people are saying.
When you get married it is for better or worse. Also, depending on your religion, ie. Catholic--You do not just divorce. People get divorces over more crazy things than just sexting. You'd get a divorce for a multitude of irreconcilable issues. What you should have done is thought of the conditions you wanted him to fulfill before he could move back home, ie. the counseling you wanted, etc. Now that he is home he figures he can do what he wants and not be willing to work on it. If he works with this girl, I am sorry to say but I wouldn't trust that nothing ever went beyond words and so he should be at least willing to look for another job to prove to you that he is willing to try. If he isnt willing to do anything ask him to leave again. Use the time to figure of what really is best for you.
ok so yes everyone is right... BUT, if you look at reality i guarantee that the women on here saying divorce him and leave him would not do that themselves. I have been through the same thing, me and my guy are not married but he has done this before, me and my guy have been together for almost 3 years now, i caught him talking to another girl. We were living together and goin to college at the same place, and i found notes back and forth between him and this girl. When i caught him he stopped after that and told the girl he had a girlfriend and stopped talking to her. I also found out that he went over to her house and hung out with her. He swears up and down he didnt sleep with her. But the point is, it took me awhile to get over this. He did emotionally cheat on me just like your husband did. Not going to lie it is tuff, but if you really love him you will find away to move on. We are now expecting a little girl and are so good. If i would have just walked out we would not be having this wonderful gift in december. I hope i helped, i know u can over come this