Trouble in Paradise
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Sexting? How do you forgive and move on?
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Re: Sexting? How do you forgive and move on?
My heart goes out to you because I know how it feels to be cheated on. Only I didn't find out until several years into my marriage. I loved him, as I'm sure you love your husband, and it broke my heart. He also promised that it would never happen again. It was extremely difficult for me to believe him and truthfully, I never did completely trust him after that. He eventually agreed to counseling but very reluctantly. It was only when I left him that he said he would go. Counseling didn't work for us because he had issues that he blamed other people for...i.e. me, my parents, etc.
We ended up getting a divorce. I stayed with him a lot longer than I should have and that is one of my regrets. I found out (after the divorce) that he had been cheating on me again. I realize that you want to preserve your marriage but he has to change and not just say it in words but in his actions. He needs to regain your trust. If he's not willing to get help for his behavior and keeps blaming you then let him go. You won't be throwing in the towel but saving yourself from ongoing misery. You sound like a strong, intelligent woman and you don't deserve that kind of treatment...no one does.
I may not be married but I think that IF there is a mutual agreement about working things out then you must try whatever possible to make it work. If you try and you both still are unhappy thats when the big DIVORCE conversations can come come in. Honestly the society today is taught to run and not fight for these kinds of things. What do you think divorce teaches our children? Nothing good. Resorting to divorce first thing shows that you are the type to give up and run. The words used in a marriage ceremony should tell you enough that you should not be doing this, after all if you got married in the first place shouldnt there be a part of you willing to fight through the hard times? Just a little food for thought.
I haven't been in this exact situation before, but I have been in one like it. I "forgave and forgot" and tried to move on. Every time he was late coming home, every time he did something shady I was sure it was happening again.. and it tore me apart. We fought constantly and things were never the same again. I never fully trusted him again, and to this day I still don't know if he actually ever cheated again or if it was my un-trusting imagination.
Breaking up is hard- especially if you are married- but how hard is it going to be on you if you find out in a few years this is happening again? or if you bring children into the picture? Ultimately it is your decision- everyone is different so you need to take some time and think hard whether you think you can (or want) to forgive him and try to move on with your lives together. If he won't go to counselling, maybe you should go see someone alone? I went and it helped me an immeasurable amount.
Good luck- and remember, the most important relationship you will ever have in your life is the one with yourself.
I'm going to be completely honest with my opinion. Move on. I was engaged to be married, my fiance' was sexting his ex's or they would do so to him and he'd reply or girls from work yada yada. I heard several times that he wouldn't do it anymore and he'd delete all the messages off his phone. What he didn't realize is his phone would keep parts of the message in a memory bank.
One day an ex g/f of his called and I said this his fiancee' can I help you she of course immediatly said no and didn't call back for a couple days, I wound up going through his phone and finding out he was trying to meet up with her and a few others as well. It all started out "innocently" sexting and moved up a notch, so in the end it could work out for you but do you want to take the chance. Is it worth it? That is the question you have to ask yourself.
@ stellasrevenge
Not really sure where you got that info from. I didn't see anything about how the OP and her H met up in the first post...
My first marriage was like this, except I know he cheated, and lied and cheated and lied. It took ME two years to realize that the marriage had long been over, and then I filed for divorce, it took me time even after that to forgive (myself) and learn to love me again, Iv been divorced three years now, and I remarried 6 months ago... My new husband still pays for the old husbands mistakes (but he is nothing like my X) And thankgod he is very patient and understanding...
I know everyone says divorce divorce divorce but if you're not ready for that then thats okay too! You need to make sure you walk away being able to say I did EVERYTHING I could to try and fix it...
Chances are he will 'cheat' again, and you will learn this the hard way.
Good luck lady divorce is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but in the long run one of the best most loving things I could do for myself
PS: my frist husband starting cheating 3 months into the marriage so I understand ur pain...
No one listen to this advice. Please.
I just want to say that I?m really sorry this is happening to you. No one should have to go through this and deal with making this kind of decision. Marriage is hard enough without throwing lies and other people into the mix. Whatever your decision is or was, I hope you find happiness and the support you need and deserve.
I was willing to work on it, go to counseling, all that stuff, but he blamed me, and for a while i thought I WAS the problem. thankfully I snapped out of it and moved on to bigger and better. Met a man that doesnt treat me like I'm a burden to his social life, and is HELPING me take care of the son that is not his.
It gets better only after you leave.
Mommy and Daddy's Lil Angel 10/28/2011 5 Weeks
.You move on by leaving his a$$! He didn't and still doesn't respect you and taking him back will only further ensure that he won't ever treat you right. It will make you a doormat which is what he is hoping for. He is immature, horny, and now lonely which he is trying to say means he loves you and wants you back. He doesn't know what love is and never will. I was in a relationship like this for 3 years- engaged thankfully we didn't make it to the alter- and I finally wised up. My ex was an extremely good liar and I didn't 'catch' him but had suspicions for a long time. When I finally caught him redhanded, I gained some self respect and kicked him to the curb. He tried all of the usual crap, but when you have self respect you suddenly see the BS for what it is- BS. He quickly got angry and abusive again since I wouldn't take him back. He became hard to get rid of for a couple of weeks, but he eventually left me alone.
Your H didn't just cheat (which he most assuredly did physically) but he showed he clearly doesn't respect you or your relationship, and he was verbally/emotionally abusive. These are all red flags to get out, it will always be a miserable unhappy marriage... with a few moments of niceness that will try to fool you, i.e. when he is in the doghouse and trying to get you back, he'll be great but each time like this will be short lived. The emotional abuse is a very serious red flag- he can be a very cruel person and that won't change (prolly even with counseling, my ex and I went for a while too). The emotional abuse can turn physical- my ex backhand punched me in the face while I was driving when I had caught him cheating b/c he knew I was done for good. GET OUT while you can. Don't become a doormat with battered woman syndrome (which can occur in women who are emotionally abused even without the physical abuse).
I'm all for the sanctity of marriage and working it out. Every marriage has ups and downs. However, this isn't just a normal down or even the kind of cheating that can be moved on from- he didn't take responsibility, he didn't even feel BADLY that he hurt you. You are the one person he should feel most protective of and be worried about, but he didn't care that he hurt you. Don't believe anything he says now- he will lie to get what he wants. If he really felt as horribly as he should have, he would have taken responsibility immediately and done everything to work on the marriage asap. Instead, he left and most likely tried to have a relationship with his coworker.
It hurts like hell, and is difficult, but in the long run you will be so much happier- divorce him.
I would like to take a different view. I have been married for a couple of years now, and my husband has done similar and even worse things that sexting. Was I angry? You bet! did I feel betrayed? Most certainly! Did I want to throw in the towel? Well lets just say that as a lawyer, I had drafted and re-drafted my divorce a million times over.
However, when we take those vows, and say for better of for worse, wel ladies, this is IT - this is the worse. And we committed to saty through it.
I have found that men are cowards for the most part and when they are found out in their guilt and foolishness they cannot handle it and seek to transfer the blame. They all do it (at least 90%).
I have endured weeks of pain and heart break, cried myself to sleep, feeling inadequate and unwanted. But then when I cry out to God and seek comfort from Him, I find the strenght to carry on and build my marriage.
I know the pain you must feel and the sense of betrayal but if you are a Christian woman then you'll know that God will step in and fight for you and establish you.
Finally love is all encompassing - real love - and seeks to forgive, endure, it is patient and not hasty to act. It is a tough act to follow; I will be the first to tell you.
But please, if you can, maintain your marriage. Pray and trust God.
Nkem O
Its an inflatable rubber bodysuit. Bloop bloop.
Well, they WILL keep "finding" other men like this until they learn some self-respect and emotional health not to get involved with men like this.
Seriously, I know plenty of wonderful, trustworthy, emotionally self-aware and healthy, amazing men out there....but they don't go for the emotionally unhealthy and insecure crazies - like many of the ones that have shown up on this thread.
No, most men are not like this. And mature, responsible, emotionally aware men would not have gone and "done this" in the first place.
Sorry you married a douchebag, but don't validate your own choices to marry and stay with that douchebag by stating "90%" (where the hell does that number come from) are like that. Besides, even if that were true, that leaves millions upon millions of men who are NOT like that - my husband being one of them.
How does it feel knowing you are the only one that really committed to your vows in your marriage?