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How do you handle other couples' children in your home?
Just a general question: When you have couples over to visit, what sort of ground rules do you have in place for their kids? (Between toddler aged- 6 or 7 years old?) Do you tell the kids what you expect or the parents? Do you make the parents aware of what you expect them to do, as parents, before the initial visit? Or would you consider this a line that shouldn't be crossed?
SO and I just moved into our first apartment together. We don't have kids, so of course I am a complete anal control-freak when it comes to a clean home. His best friend is married with 2 kids, a 2 yr old and a 5 yr old, who are...rambunctious, to say the least. What do I say to the parents to express that I am concerned not only for my house (and our deposit!) but for the safety of their young children, as well. Our home isn't exactly child-safe. (keep in mind that the parents are VERY TOUCHY people... and that they don't really keep an eye on their children. The girls pretty much destroyed the house where my SO previously lived because no one watches them!! The couple is a young couple, and I guess they feel like when they come over to someone else's home, it's "vacation time" for them. I don't want it to fall on my shoulders to watch their children in my home...but again, I don't want to set them off by saying something "offensive" to them)
Any advice? tia!
Re: How do you handle other couples' children in your home?
in an apartment I would just close (and lock if you can) bedroom doors and doors of rooms they shouldn't be into. If they end up going for those rooms I'd say at that time "sorry *name of kid* that room is off limits, can you stay in the living room for us please". If they continue I'd tell the parents "we really can't have the kids playing in that room, could you get them to stay in the living room please?".
other than that I don't think I'd set up 'rules' just let them know when they touch something that they shouldn't to "please put that back, that's not for playing with"
This. We have a friend with a 6 y/o son, and when we visit, we either visit at her home or in a public location.
EDIT: That being said, if they come over, have something specific for them to do when they're there. If they won't focus on a movie, have a craft to work on with them.
This is what I was thinking, but my bf won't have this because the guy is his BFF and the 5 yr old his god daughter. I tell him that this doesn't mean we can't spend time with them or the girls. I would much rather meet at neutral grounds (or their place) for "family" gatherings, and have just the parents over for "adult" nights. But I am afraid that the parents will take this the wrong way =(
ETA: thanks for the advice, guys. Maybe I will pick up some kid-friendly puzzles to leave here for the kids to play with for when they're over. Of course, the oldest being only 5, she isn't entertained for very long! I just don't want the responsibility of keeping her busy to fall on me every time. =P
If you tell them that their children are hellions and that they need to stop fiddling while the brats destroy people's homes, then they'll stop talking to you and you won't have to worry about this. I'd consider it to be a win-win, personally.
And really, why tiptoe around them? The reason they get to be such poor guests is because no one will say anything to them. Make these assh*les face their own jackassery.
Well it is your home too and if you don't want them there for obvious reasons, then say it. Again, it isn't like you are saying that you will never see them, it is just that your apartment isn't the most appropriate place for children right now.
If your BF insists on having them over, then say he will be the one to follow the kids everywhere, clean up their messes and he will also be the one to tell them "no."
Then honestly, you shouldn't invite them over. If the parents aren't going to teach correct indoor behavior and they are not going to enforce it in your home ... and you don't want to pay for things that brake as a result of their "vacation" time, then you shouldn't host.
You can't control other people's children. And parents are easily offended when you try to.
Plan activities that do not involve your home.
Visit them at their house instead so it doesn't have to be your problem.
When I was younger & single I always over-cherished my breakable items in the curio, was a stickler for worrying about things getting trashed or broken in my home and it drove me nuts when friends would bring their toddlers over. In fact I usually did everythig in my power to avoid having them over & went to their houses to visit instead. Now that I'm older, married and a step mom I am much more welcoming of visits from friends w/ younger kids because SD loves to play with them and keep them occupied. Even though SD is 12 and never runs rampant through the house or touches things she's not supposed to, I still gave a lot of my breakables away and made the house more kid-friendly for when we have family-oriented nights with other friends or family members.
My friends w/ younger kids don't mind at all if I tell them not to do something when they're in my house. They always say "it's your house, if they don't play by the rules, you tell them." Most of my friends' kids are ranged from ages 6-10 anyhow, so I don't usually have to explain what not to touch or do more than one time, and if SD is keeping them occupied and they get out of line we'll tell her and she will do something to change what's happening (i.e. if they are blaring the TV in the basement, H will call SD up and tell her to turn the TV down). She's really good with young kids and is able to take measures to settle them down if necessary.
Good points, ladies.
I will bring it up with the bf tonight and come to a compromise. I like the idea of telling him that if he insists on allowing the children over here, when he is aware of their destructive natures, then he can be the one to chase them around the apartment. Maybe that will get him to finally realize how un-safe this place is for children
In all honesty though, the parents should be the one to step up and realize that maybe it isn't appropriate to bring young children into a brand new home with sharp objects and glass tables. They make me so frustrated, sometimes! And this is why we do not have children at a young age, folks!!
How about having them come to your place without the kids? Then, if your BF wants to see the children, that can occur at a neutral location, or at their home? Seems like a reasonable compromise to me - everyone sees and gets seen by the relevant people, and you keep your home orderly and the kids stay safe.
My BIL and his wife have two kids that occasionally come over (they're out of state, so it's very rare), but they behave well and are really respectful of our home and our belongings (good parenting in action!). If they weren't, I'd suggest to DH that the BIL and wife can come to our house for visits, but we'll keep kid visits to the ILs (where they stay when they're in town). This doesn't have to be a huge declaration, either - just see if your BF will agree to it and then just 'make it happen' that way.
I dont' have discussions before the fact, but I have no problems w/ telling kids (right in front of their parents), "Hey Joey, it's a rule in our house - no shoes on the couch. You need to take them off."
"Little Bertha, if you're going to eat, you need to sit at the table. We dont' carry food around in our house."
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This is exactly it. If I so much as look at the oldest DD the wrong way when she is doing something wrong, I'M the bad person!
Thanks again for the help. The obvious solution would be not to have them over. I was just hoping there *might* be some middle ground because I know this will just make the couple blow up (oh no, they have to keep an eye on the kids now?)
Right. If they do show up you can conveniently have an appointment and need to get out of there. Again, if they leave a mess or break anything, he will have to be the one to take care of it.
If he insists on having them over, tell him to plan stuff in the summer time when the kids can run amok outside!!! ;-)
Does he know you don't like having them over for the very reason of them being too destructive in your non-kid friendly home? Maybe he could say something nicely to his best friend about it and ask him if they can try to keep the kids calm when they come over because he doesn't want to chance them getting hurt on something. Would they sit and watch a movie if BFF brought one?
I just read your follow-up post.
You don't have a problem with the children/parents, you have a problem with your SO. He's the one who let the apartment get destroyed last time and he's the one who is ignoring your very sane and reasonable suggestions.
So what you really have to do is
1- Budget for the destruction these children will cause, or
2- Get a backbone and say you don't want to pay for their poor manners.
Do NOT become the one who manages these children's poor behavior while they are in your home. Becuase it won't work, your efforts won't be appreciated and you'll ONLY be caste as the un-fun shrew.
I ask because if he is putting them first before your concerns for YOUR OWN HOME, that says a lot about your BF, and not in a good way.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
While the parents should be paying attention to their children, if you invite them in, it's on you to make your place reasonably safe. if that is something you are unwilling or unable to do, then don't have them over.
The reason why I asked this was because BF and I did have a discussion about it. While he was uncomfortable with the idea of not having the kids in the home, he did bring it up with the bff...stating that the place wasn't very kid friendly and saying that the kids would need to be watched more closely than the parents were used to. This caused a BIG blow-up with the parents (how dare WE tell them how to parent?) and that's why I asked what other people would normally do in this situation. I don't think we were in the wrong to tell the parents this. But because of this big blow-up, the BF is afraid to say anything else to them!
I've tried to keep them occupied with movies before in the old home... they won't sit still for more than a few minutes though, unfortunately.
Well ECB still brings up a good point. If he is more concerned with upsetting his friend than upsetting you, that is not a good sign, not a good sign at all. Just because his friend blew up that still doesn't mean that your both have valid points that need to be respected.
Oh, I meant that the parents see me as a bad person. My bf will back me up on my decisions (i.e "rules" for the kids) but when it comes to being confronted by the parents (when they got all upset with him for telling them that the kids would need more supervision), he clammed up.
Then maybe they should get a sitter when they come over. Or here's a thought - be RESPONSIBLE parents!!!!!
On a side note, one thing I cherish in the living room is a Lenox crystal vase my MOH got us for the wedding. I usually do put it away when friends w/ younger kids come over for extended periods of time.
*nod*
While he works on his fear of making his best friend upset, you should work on your fear of making your bf upset.
I personally don't mind a heads up from friends about "issue X" that they just want me to know about so that I can make approriate choices based on DS. (hypothetical, but something like "we're dog sitting and dont' know if DS is used to being around dogs" or "FYI, our new home has stairs that don't have any way of being blocked")
And while I think I'm a more attentive parent than your friends seem to be, I do have to say if someone said "we're dog sitting and I want you to know because you need to watch DS more closely so that he doesn't hurt the dog", my hackles might be raised a little bit!
That being said - have either of you actually spoken directly to their kids, as in what i said before "Hey Joey, the rule in our house is we dont' go into rooms where the door is closed"? And if you have, what was the parents reaction? If it was that you all are being the "bad guys", then your BF needs to decide who it's worse pissing off- them or you.
If you haven't, then tell BF you're willing to invite them over once. Invite them over, establish rules w/ the kids as they do stuff, and if the response from the parents is that you are the "bad guy", then have it understood w/ your BF that YOU will not be welcoming them into your home again.
They can not watch their kids all they want. You all have told them that they need to watch their kids. So, they know the "rules". If they still choose to ignore them and let their kids run wild in your home, then they will understand why they aren't invited over again.
Again- this is YOUR HOME too. Not just your BF's. It's not his decision to make alone.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Then maybe they should get a sitter when they come over. Or here's a thought - be RESPONSIBLE parents!!!!!
On a side note, one thing I cherish in the living room is a Lenox crystal vase my MOH got us for the wedding. I usually do put it away when friends w/ younger kids come over for extended periods of time. One day I forgot when my good friends J and S came over with their 9 and 6 y/o girls; SD was occupying the girls in the basement when S and my H started throwing the football back & forth to each other in the living room. Not just around the vase but our plasma TV, FIL's flag case, lamps...I almost had a heart attack. When I gave my H "the look" he knew to put the ball down. I told him it was sad that the kids knew better than he did not to throw things in the house.
Oh no!!! I would have died on the spot.
And I ditto the sitter/responsible parents comment. but:
a) no one will sit for them because...well, they know better!!!!
b) The mother is younger than I am and had their first daughter when she was still in high school. I feel like this is no excuse to NOT be a responsible parent, but she has waayyyyyy too much growing up to do, unfortunately. She is still in that mentality of "I am still young I work all day I should be able to come home and sit on the computer and let the girls run wild". The kicker is...one time on her day off from work (she said she was going to "relax all day") her husband asked her to watch the kids for a few minutes to come help my bf and me pack for our move, and she said "Well if I have to watch the girls, it's not really a relaxing day off for me, is it?" NEWFLASH! You're a mother, it's never a day off! Ugh! haha