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Re: How do you handle other couples' children in your home?
I'm imagining the mother to have blond hair on top and black underneath, neither shade natural, and long, acrylic nails. And the dad has one of those narrow, ratlike faces (see Snoop Dog or Kevin Federline for examples) in my mind's eye. They both smell of cigarettes and Parfums deCoeur.
ECB: I love how you tell it how it is
I can see how they might have been a little upset at that comment (though I know my bf didn't mean it in a judgmental way at all... even if I might have *guilty look*) I usually was the one to have to keep an eye on them when we were all at my bf's old home. That's when they were all upset with me... I would "scold" (that sounds a little harsh but not sure how else to put it) if the girls were misbehaving, and then the parents would be upset with me for scolding them (usually I have patience to tell the kids the right thing to do the first four or five times, but sometimes I do get sick of repeating myself ten times in five minutes)
If you haven't, then tell BF you're willing to invite them over once. Invite them over, establish rules w/ the kids as they do stuff, and if the response from the parents is that you are the "bad guy", then have it understood w/ your BF that YOU will not be welcoming them into your home again.
This is great advice, thanks. Then, at least they will have a chance to come over and respect our home, and if not...well that's that.
LOL - I ended up erasing that part of my post since I decided after the fact that it was irrelevant but yes, I did almost have a heart attack when he and my friend's H started tossing that ball around. I was like, "are you effing kidding me?? What do we tell the kids???" He got a big side-eye from me on that one and so did the other guy.
Well, that explains it all. A kid having a kid. I do have a few friends who got pregnant in high school yet went on and did amazing jobs raising their children, so I'm not insinuating that all young moms are lazy and irresponsible. But the age factor does play a good part in it with this person. If she wanted lazy, relaxing days then she should have been a li'l more careful while riding the hobby horse as a teenager!!! She gets a big side-eye too!
hahahahahahahahahhahaa!!!!
While these two don't (shockingly), their family members do!
telling them that they have to watch their kids more than they normally do DOES imply that htey don't ever take their kids anywhere but super kid friendly places and, if i was a parent, I'd probably take it as an insult as well. i get what you mean but i think it was worded REALLY poorly.
and "We don't have kids, so of course I am a complete anal control-freak when it comes to a clean home" so of course you are? really? like we should all be like that with no kids?!!? I'm not an anal control freak and I dont ever want kids.
the way you're wording things here (twice) makes me think that you need to meet them in a park instead of your home.
And for the parent comment- it was worded poorly (I wouldn't have said it like that, but that's how bf worded it) but I didn't really think too much of it until I had it written down here. I can see how they were upset over THAT, but like I said earlier... they get upset even when I tell their kids nicely to stop, too (over and over again). So it's not the only time they got upset.
Wow those people sound like total jerks. So their kids can destroy people's possessions, but no one can ever say anything to them to prevent it from happening?
Personally I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to be conveniently busy whenever they want to get together.
Ok I understand. Now that you've explained it a bit more it seems like they just are 'those kinds of parents'. you know-the ones that aren't really parents, they're just the adults (as in by age) int he family. i think you have every right to expect that the parents will watch their children in your home out of respect for you and your home right off the bat, but these don't seem to be like that.
on the opposite side of that though-they are kids and kids have an amazing ability to play with/break things. they're kids. i think it's unrealistic of you to expect the kids to not act like kids at the same time. I dont mean to let them run and scream and take baseball bats to your stuff, but they will want to investigate your house and stuff naturally. if you can't rely on the parents to watch them and to teach them how to look and not touch then it's not looking good.
All I can say is-put the good china away
Becuase I'm still concerned that your BF is more concerned about upsetting his friend than he is about upsetting you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think you've gotten enough good advice, but here's my funny related story:
My sister visisted me last year with her 3-year-old DD. I thought I did a great job by preparing for her visit. All breakables were put away, doors were closed, etc. By the time she left we had a hole in the wall and a 3 month subscription to Playboy en espanol.
I am late to add my two-cents and maybe a PP already mentioned this, but I think you have the perfect excuse with where you & SO live.
Just say something like, "Since SO and I live in a compact space that isn't child-proofed, it seems to make more sense that SO and I just come over to your (friend's w/kids) place when you want to have a casual hangout night. Of course, we are always up for meeting out somewhere too - but w/the kids, those nights are totally your call.".
If your friends persist further and really just don't "get it", then I think it's OK to say something like, "SO and I do not have our place child-proofed and accidents can occur....we wouldn't want something to break or fall and see one of the kids get hurt. We would just feel more comfortable and more at ease coming to see you.".
A busy kid is a happy kid.... and a very quiet kid that stays out of trouble.
Can you find some for-cheap activtity books/ things for them to do that are age appropriate?
We don't have kids, but several of our friends do (mostly babies- preschool age) and we love having them over. I generally will put away anything I truly don't want broken- and then I also have a little basket of kid stuff that I put on the floor in our living room. I'm a preschool teacher so I happen to have a lot of kiddie stuff on hand, but even a trip to the dollar store could get you something similar- I think at the moment mine has bubbles, coloring books, story books, toy cars, and blocks. Granted- this is something we do because we have a lot of kid visitors and it's already pretty much on hand, but it's worth thinking about. Kids who have stuff to do are generally better behaved- think about going shopping or to an older relative's house when you were little, when there was nothing for you to really do but sit quietly. That's a tall order.
Beyond that, we also do a lot of what ECB describes- at one of our parties I had set out some pens on the kitchen counter to sign a scrapbook for the honorees, and over the course of the evening some of the pens wandered off the counter and over where a child could reach them, and so naturally several toddlers did. Whatever adult was nearest just took it back with a casual, "Oh, sorry kiddo, I don't think you should have that." and pointed them towards the toy basket. No big deal- it wasn't a huge Rule Enforcing Speech, just a gentle redirecting.
Another thought- and this I think speaks more to your issue. Sometimes, you just have to be upfront about your limits, and others need to respect them. But- I think it's important to be setting YOUR limits, instead of telling them THEIR limits. I.e. "Because we have such a small/ not child safe home, we should really plan on meeting somewhere more like a park/ mall/ fair." "I'm afraid we'll just have to stick to the living room and kitchen for this visit- those are the only rooms that are child safe." Instead of, "We have glass tables and objets d'art, you need to watch your children."
While I completely agree that these parents seem to suck, I'm a little more understanding in terms of the BF. This is her BF, not her DH. They just moved in together. No offense to the OP, but she's just his GF. This is his BFF who he's known for years. This little brat of a kid is his godchild. He's been spending time with her since she was born. While he may not agree with the way BFF raises his kids, these people are probably some of the most important people in his life. Of course he's considering them on an equal level with OP.
Sarcastically speaking, you can always just adopt a rottweiler. Then you have a sweet, cuddly dog and with a little luck the friends will be afraid to bring the kids over. It works for us! Well, the neighbor kids aren't afraid of the dogs, but we like the neighbor kids.
I'm not a big fan of letting the TV act as a babysitter, but in your case maybe you could rent a popular kids' movie (even the library has some pretty good choices), or DVR something and keep it in the television so that when the kids come over they sit in front of the television. You can even make popcorn.
Also - - child proof your home. Put anything you don't want broken or touched away. While YES, it is the parents job to keep an eye on their children, I find it extremely annoying when I visit my parents home and there are breakables EVERYWHERE (my mom will put special things out for every holiday on the coffee table, which of course is child height). That makes the whole trip one of "don't touch."
I'm also thinking - - do you ever visit THEIR home? Presumably you don't care of the kids burn the house down (as long as it's not your house). If they like to come over to YOUR house more often, then it's time to say "oh, you came last time, we'll come visit you this time."
And ditto have "free time" to visit when you can take them outside.
Another idea - if you are cooking, ask if the kids want to help. Kids often LOVE helping, and at least you can get stuff done while keeping an eye on them and keeping them out of harms way. Ditto when they spill, break something. Just say "wow, can you help me wipe this up?"
I put anything that I care about and the kids can get into up and out of the way.
Just last year my nephew (who was 3 at the time) wrote on my new sofa ($1,800) in marker.....I enjoy my visit with my family and after they left I scrubbed the stain out of the sofa.
Just put anything that is personal/expesive out of reach.
The expectation is that they will keep an eye on their kids and bring things for them to do- even DVDs to watch. I have never had a problem with anything being broken, jumped on, destroyed, etc.
The only rules I enforce upon them are rules surrounding interaction with the dog- no chasing her, and no playing in or around her crate. They also are welcome to give her treats and pet her, but only when holding my hand.
If this friend is that lax on supervising her kids, I would probably not have an easy time being friends with her or entertaining her. In fact, I'd just say, "we're not up for company, let's meet at Applebees" or some other kid friendly place.
I do have a child of my own, but I'm still a little anal about keeping a clean home. We, too, have friends with rambunctious children that tend to make messes. The parents don't always keep an eye on their kids or clean up after them, either. However, we just suck it up and deal with it. As much as it sucks, I make a habbit of picking up after the kids and trying to keep an eye on them. It is SUCH a pain at times, having to watch other peoples kids in our own home, but I don't like the thought of making them mad by saying something that may upset them.
I'm not saying you should do the same. Your home is your home, and you really shouldn't have to deal with things like this if you don't want to. My best advice would be to invite them over as little as possible, and instead suggest going to their home to visit or meeting somewhere outside the home. Or, if at all possible, hosting a get together outside as opposed to inside.
Other than that, I really wouldn't know what to tell you as far as setting boundaries or saying something to the parents. I'm too nervous myself to say anything to my friends like this.
Hope you get it figured out!
I disagree with this. If you are a guest in someone's home, it is up to you to control your offspring and teach them how to behave in other people's home and to respect other people's belongings. I have a dear friend who has a 5 year old and that little girl is absolutely delightful. Her parents watch her and discipline her. Nothing gets broken or damaged and no one is walking on eggshells fearful of causing offence.