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Diva83
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Housewife Guilt
I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced housewife's (or stay at home wife, if you want to be P.C.) guilt before and how they dealt with it? By that I mean the guilt that you aren't living up to what a "modern" woman should be with a full time job balanced with a Martha Stewart-esque home life.
I lost my job when the economy began to take a nose dive and after two years of working as a temp my husband released me from my finical half of the bargain and I took over all the household duties. I cook, clean, iron, et cetera, and for the most part I do it without complaint (I'm not virtuous, I just find cleaning mega satisfying). It took a while, but I've made my peace with the fact that I'm happier being a housewife than was as a business woman. Three years later, we're both still comfortable with our roles in the relationship, but my friends and family aren't.
At least once a month, my dad sits me down to have a chat about how the job hunt is going, not so subtly adding that he didn't help me get a college degree so that I could mop kitchen floors more effectively. My working friends treat me like I have some incurable disease. "You're so strong for staying home. I just couldn't deal with being cooped up all day, making dinner every night," or "I would just love all your free time! You must be so well-rested!" or even "I'm sooo stressed about work! You know how it is, or well, I guess you don't." My mother gets in the final hit in with the "you're making your husband work awfully hard so you can just stay home and lounge. You should have a baby to keep you busy" Obviously these are mostly inferences, not exact quotes or I'd be a friendless, family-less inmate somewhere.
There is, of course, a flip side to this coin that is equally irksome. I'm regularly called to run errands, chauffeur, tend to sick relatives, and take care of odds n' ends because others are too busy with work to bother. Often it's not a request for help, but an assumption. After all, I have plenty of time, right? In spite of the busy schedule I keep, they assume that without a job (or baby) to take up my time I'm obviously free, nay pleased, to help them in whatever way is necessary. If I beg off, the response is a disbelieving, "Wait, you're busy?"
This sort of talk makes me think that not only do my friends and family think I spend my time in a recliner with day-time TV on, but worse, I'm a parasite feeding off my husband's wallet and good nature. How do I deal with this without becoming depressed, enraged, or, well, pregnant?
I lost my job when the economy began to take a nose dive and after two years of working as a temp my husband released me from my finical half of the bargain and I took over all the household duties. I cook, clean, iron, et cetera, and for the most part I do it without complaint (I'm not virtuous, I just find cleaning mega satisfying). It took a while, but I've made my peace with the fact that I'm happier being a housewife than was as a business woman. Three years later, we're both still comfortable with our roles in the relationship, but my friends and family aren't.
At least once a month, my dad sits me down to have a chat about how the job hunt is going, not so subtly adding that he didn't help me get a college degree so that I could mop kitchen floors more effectively. My working friends treat me like I have some incurable disease. "You're so strong for staying home. I just couldn't deal with being cooped up all day, making dinner every night," or "I would just love all your free time! You must be so well-rested!" or even "I'm sooo stressed about work! You know how it is, or well, I guess you don't." My mother gets in the final hit in with the "you're making your husband work awfully hard so you can just stay home and lounge. You should have a baby to keep you busy" Obviously these are mostly inferences, not exact quotes or I'd be a friendless, family-less inmate somewhere.
There is, of course, a flip side to this coin that is equally irksome. I'm regularly called to run errands, chauffeur, tend to sick relatives, and take care of odds n' ends because others are too busy with work to bother. Often it's not a request for help, but an assumption. After all, I have plenty of time, right? In spite of the busy schedule I keep, they assume that without a job (or baby) to take up my time I'm obviously free, nay pleased, to help them in whatever way is necessary. If I beg off, the response is a disbelieving, "Wait, you're busy?"
This sort of talk makes me think that not only do my friends and family think I spend my time in a recliner with day-time TV on, but worse, I'm a parasite feeding off my husband's wallet and good nature. How do I deal with this without becoming depressed, enraged, or, well, pregnant?
Re: Housewife Guilt
I don't care if they are quotes or inferences. I certainly hope that you make it very clear that their opinions are not needed on the matter.
If you are really and truly happier being a housewife, if it's not putting a strain on the marriage emotionally, financially, or otherwise, then live it up. It's nobody's business but yours.
Find new friends.
Judging
after two years of working as a temp my husband released me from my finical half of the bargain and I took over all the household duties
Ah, what a peach he released you of your financial duties because you had no income.
I can see why your father feels the way he does IF he did indeed pay for your education...can't you? I'm sure he didn't spend thousands and thousands for your education because he thought you would be a SAHW. Honestly I would feel the same way...
however....if you are 100% happy with the situation the way it is and have no regrets than really it is no one else's business. You should be telling them exactly that! I would also NOT be running errands every time someone asks me too unless it was an emergency.
I am curious, what do you do with your time? Cooking, cleaning and exercising only take so much time, especially if you are doing the cleaning every day. Maybe if you filled that downtime with charity work of some form, you would feel more fulfilled and these comments would not bother you so.
I would be a SAHW in a heartbeat and not give 2 shitts what anyone said about it. And I have a degree too. But if you feel guilt about it maybe its not for you.
I'm in your situation, although; I quit my job instead of getting laid off.
I sleep until 8:30, then usually get cleaned up by 11. Between that time, I do all my online stuff, email, nest, facebook. Then usually I have something to do that day, whether it's going to the library or Target. I try to space things out. I read a lot. I clean, do dinner, bills; I pretty much run the household, H just makes the money. I do have a couple of classes I'm taking three times a week, but that only accounts for maybe 4 hours a day.
We're happy like that. It's very 1950's, but that's what we want. If someone chooses to work and not stay home; that doesn't affect me in my life...so I don't care what they do.
I'm trying to volunteer at the local humane soceity, but they are building a new one and the only options are to foster; which we don't want to do. I've thought about getting a part-time job (like 15 hours) just to be busy and get some extra money.
My family/friends know our situation and don't really say anything. I don't think it bothers them, so I don't have the negative attention that you have. Though, I pretty much well tell them to go away and stop bothering me, and if I feel that I need to pick someone up or whatever, then I'll decide. By making snippy comments about me being "busy" will not make me do what you want.
Yeah, I guess the main question I have is whether or not your father paid for/ is paying for your student loans? If I paid 100k (or anything really) for my child to get a degree, I'd hope they put at least some effort into using it. Especially if I had to take out loans and was making a hefty several hundred dollars a month payment.
As for everyone else, tell them to suck it. OK, maybe not quite that, but essentially that. Just say, "why are you so interested in what I do/do not do? If it works for my husband and it works for me, why does it matter to you?"
And to be honest, it doesn't matter if you were sitting at home all day eating bon bons while the nanny chases the kids, the cook makes dinner and the maid cleans the house. That doesn't entitle any of your friends or family to a free personal assistant. If they ask as a favor fine, but every single time someone approaches you with an air of entitlement, I'd say no.
I'm a major lurker, but this post really stuck out to me. My opinion...if you and your hubby are both ok and happy with the situation screw everyone else. If it really bothers you I would say something about it to your friends and family...easier said than done of course. Although like others have said I can *kind of* see why your father would be upset.
I went to college on academic scholarship that took care of 85% of my degree's cost and another, smaller, percentage came from state grant. The rest my father very kindly paid for and won't allow me to return to him. I got a degree in technical writing and history. :-)
I'm in a similar situation as you are. My H and I recently moved so he could take a job he really wanted. I'm in my last semester of grad. school and then I am going to start taking the CPA exam, so right now, I am not working. It is quite weird, especially since I worked all through college and most of grad school, but it's so nice not to be stressed all the time.
I do get a little bit of a hard time when I tell people that I'm not job-searching right now, even though I do plan to start working again. I can kind of relate to what your dad is saying if he did pay for your education. Education is an investment and no one wants to think they threw that money away.
As for the other people's comments, I would just disregard them. I have friends and family members who make similar comments, but it's just none of their business. I spend a lot of time cleaning and doing other chores when I'm not doing school work, so it's not like I sit on my butt and eat bonbons all day. My H always says he feels like we are both contributing equally to our household and as long as we're both happy with our arrangement, then anyone else can suck it
JillianCar--
How did you start getting involved with the Humane Society? I love animals and that sounds like it would be really rewarding!
(Sorry if this come up twice, I'm not yet familiar with this posting system)
I think it's a good thing you got your degree in case you ever decide to go back into the workforce. If you are happy and fulfilled in your life and marriage, it doesn't matter what others have to say.
Wow you must be a super intelligent and excellent student to get all those scholarships. I work in a HS and we very very rarely see anything like that. That actually didnt leave much for dad to pay at all did it?
YES! I got laid off 6 weeks ago so I've been home while my husband works. I love all the free time but I feel sooooo guilty.
I filled out forms for volunteering at the library, humane society, and some local organizations, but they all have a waiting list! They say the economy has been great for getting unemployed volunteers who want something on their resumes to fill in that gap.
So for now I'm getting an unemployment check every week, basically getting paid to lurk the nest and stalk monster.com. I feel like such a failure.
By that I mean the guilt that you aren't living up to what a "modern" woman should be with a full time job balanced with a Martha Stewart-esque home life.
I think your perception of a "modern woman" is nuts.
I was able to put in an "application" online to a humane soceity about a year ago (before we moved) and I went to a little meeting where they told you everything about it and showed you around. But the time between when I submitted the application and the actual meeting was a month, and then you had to have training, which they only had every two months. So, i'd have to wait another two months just to volunteer. Kinda weird.
We moved about 45 min south, and the county we live in is in the process of building one. I've worked at another animal shelter, that isn't a humane soceity, but still a no-kill shelter. I just went there and asked, "hey, do you guys need some help? I've got all the time in the world" and they let me work. Very rewarding. I'm still trying for the actual humane soceity though; a little more professional and cleaner and more up to date.
Everyone is different. Personally, I *think* I would be bored to tears if I stayed home every day, yet the funny thing is I never seem to have enough time to get all my errands done on the weekends or on my vacation days. If you are happy and your husband doesn't mind, then it's really nobody else's business.
As for your dad, I think I would see more of where he's coming from if he actually forked out $$ for all of your tuition. But since he didn't pay for that much of it, I see it as a little less of a big deal. And you can always use your degree at a later date, as other PP's have stated.
A word of advice when the family members call and ask you for favors - DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE!
Or just flat out tell them you can't do it.
They need to understand that it is quite possible that someone who doesn't work a job outside the home can still have a lot on their plate!! My mom was a SAHM with us, she's still a SAHW and she's never home! She keeps busy every day, between house work, errands and all the volunteer work she does for the church...and she does NOT watch daytime TV. She works the elections too, and she & the other workers will bring board games and cards to stay busy during the slow hours. It's something different, and the city pays them too.
i got laid off too. i took one month as time to clear my head and get myself straight. i didn't sleep a full night for 3 years before that due to stress so i really needed the time (and we have a years worth of living expenses saved so we both agreed the month was ok). by the end of the next month i had found a job. i can tell you by week 6 i was bored to tears. you can only clean and bake so much.
i have absolutely no problem with anyone staying home to take care of the house while the other works but i give a huge side eye to making target the outing for the day-and outings like that every day, every week for months on end. do something constructive with your time. volunteer somewhere. animal shelters are a great and rewarding place to volunteer! the animals need some attention-and you'll feel good afterwards too.
I'm not a stay-at-home mom but I find it terribly short-sided for people to judge what a SAHM/SAHW does with her day. It's like telling me that I shoudn't be tax accountant because to YOU it's not as fulfilling as being in marketing.
The feminist movement is about CHOICE, not all women or families need a career mom to contribute.
As a mother who works full-time, I still make time to hit the gym, make dinner, study for my CPA, get my daughter bathed, read to her, wash dishes, get lunches for my man and my daughter ready for the next day and then "tend" to my "womanly duties."
With that said, I wake up at 5 am and hit the bed around 10, and if I could work part-time I would in a heart beat! I don't do it to martyr myself. I love being the emotional support for my man when he's had a rough day. And if being a happier, more productive person in my personal life meant working less, it would be a pleasant trade-off -- not an antiquated notion of the "Little Woman" who has no worth because she doesn't contribute to the national GDP.
It seems like you are worrying A LOT about what other people think. If you and your husband are both genuinely happy with the arrangement their opinions do not matter.
You have the right to say no to a family or relative if they ask for a favor and don't owe them an excuse. Just because you aren't working doesn't mean you work for them.
The only thing I would ask yourself is ARE you genuinly happy with the arrangement- or do some of the questions they ask hit close to home because in part you want to do more? I don't mean to insult you there- I just hope you continue to be honest with yourself and what you really want to do.
With the current state of the economy, I can see your dad's point (to an extent) -- what if your husband were to lose his job, too? If you're not working outside the home or trying to find work, the longer you're out of the job market, the fewer your prospects.
But if you and your husband are happy and settled, everybody else needs to MTOB.
I have to say, too, that the "he released me from my financial obligations" made me raise an eyebrow. That just seems really controlling/domineering to me.
One of my best friends quit her job to finish up a degree as a medical assistant. She graduated in Sept 2009, and here we are just over a year later and she has not been able to find a job in her field. She gets used and abused all the time from family ("Can you do this for me since you're just sitting at home?" "You had pizza for lunch? But you're home all day, why didn't you cook?" etc etc...)
The girl cooks and cleans all day, gardens in the summer and shovels snow in the winter, while searching for jobs. And people STILL make her feel guilty that her fiance is the only one working. She's learned to ignore people, and to tell them to mind their own business. You should do the same!
I have a degree and work for a huge company and am very happy in my career. But if/when hubby and I decide to have children, there's a good chance I'll want to be a stay at home mom. And if people judge me for that.. oh well!
My MIL hasn't worked (or volunteered) in 30 years and none of us have any idea what she does with her day. My FIL is a business big-shot, so they've never needed her to work, but jeez, she's not involved in anything or interested in anything but housekeeping and decorating, and it isn't a stretch to say that she has COMPLETELY lost touch with reality.
If you and your husband comfortable with your situation, great.... but for your own sake, I hope you volunteer, or are involved in your place of worship, your community, a cause that you believe in, or something. You sound like you're very intelligent and have a lot to contribute, even if you only choose to do it for a few hours a week. Or eventually you may be wacko like my MIL.
Please correct me if I am wrong, but I think by "released from financial duties" she meant he told her it was ok if she didn't work, as opposed to a husband expecting his wife to pay for half.
My family is more-or-less traditional (my mom only works between boyfriends, and just runs the household of whomever she is with at the time). I am finishing up my degree in history and Russian Studies, but honestly, have always wanted to be a housewife. Whether or not I am working, I'd feel bad if I didn't have a clean house and a hot supper for my fiance to come home to (even though he doesn't seem to mind if he doesn't). I think he feels a lot of guilt that I have to work to support our family and put away money.
I just wanted to say how proud of you I am for bringing up a very important point. People seem to act like being a housewife is either worthless and degrading, or "excusable bu not optimal" if you have children, or impossible in this economy. Try going to college and telling people you want to be a housewife, and its like saying you want to be a professional puppy-murderer or genocidal dictator. Look at some of the comments here... "I just couldn't do that! I'd be SO bored!" "I work!" "do some charity work or something!" Running a household, particularly a household with assets can take up most of the day. Even if you have a ccountant, there are always tax papers and bills to go over, errands to run, etc. If your father is a bit of a jokester, say he helped pay for your college so you could find a secure-enough man to support you (my joking repsonse to why I go to an exclusive, expensive private school for "just" a history degree) And to everyone else... 'em. Women have been making homes for the better part of history, so a. that makes them (historically) the odds ones out, and they are likely jealous their husbands aren't as supportive, and want to make you feel guilty
Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.