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Moving in with the in-laws?
My husband and I just recently moved 8 hours away from our entire family so that he could attend Law School. Right before we moved we found out that I'm pregnant! and that his mom has Breast Cancer. She's also a teacher and was thinking about taking a few years off (even before baby and cancer). His dad works from home and can pretty much work from wherever he wants.
So. They want to move to the city we live in and have the 5 of us live together. I have mixed feelings about this. Like I said, my husband is in Law School so money is kind of tight and with them living with us we would have built in day care and all of the bills would be split. But I don't want it to look as if we are dependent on someone else when we're trying to start a family. It wouldn't be a permanent thing. They want to try for the next 2 years that my husband has left of law school.
How would you feel? Would you be okay living with the in-laws?
Re: Moving in with the in-laws?
We did it temporarily (while our house was being built). While things weren't horrible, they weren't great either. And, we don't have kids.
Then again, it all has to do with how you feel about it and your relationship with them. But remember that living with people puts a strain on even the best relationships.
If you have any doubts, don't do it.
Generally speaking, living with parents could be disastrous. I'd advise anyone who has a choice to choose not to do it. I'd also like to point out that if your MIL is going through cancer treatments, she might not be as able to help with the baby as you think.
That being said, DH and I are currently planning on opening our home to in our in-laws in a few years due to some unfortunate health and financial troubles on their end. We've done a lot of thinking/planning, and I'd like to share some thoughts with you.
1) Before any agreement to do this is reached, you need to sit down and discuss rent and ownership. Will they be paying you rent to live in your home, or will you be paying rent to live in theirs? What "rights and responsibilities" come with paying rent (i.e. does everyone grocery shop individually? what are cleaning expectations? childcare expectations) If one of the parties decides that it's not going work, consider financial consequences on both sides, and make sure both sides are able to work with those consequences if they arise.
2) Discuss rules and expectations. BE SPECIFIC. What will arrangements be for cooking, cleaning, having house guests, etc.? Is it expected that you will all eat meals together? (I can't tell you how important it is to be as detailed about this as possible. Think about it now so you won't have to later.)
3) Think about and discuss pet peeves. Will it drive you crazy to have shoes left by the door (instead of in the closet)? Do either of them smoke, and can they smoke in/near the house? What about turning off lights on when leaving a room?
4) Write a contract of your above discussions.
You may very seriously consider getting group counseling to discuss these things before agreeing to anything.
Do not do it!!! NO NO NO. Nothing good ever comes of it.
Stick around here and youll find out for yourself what a disaster it is!
For us - no freaking way! My bro and sis-in-law lived with my dad for a few years and 3 years later their relationship is still messed up because of it! Part of that time was even spent in a house where they lived on separate floors and it still complicated things. I hear mutterings from both sides to this day about who paid more for groceries, who cooked more, how they took care of their new baby in ways he didn't approve of, and on and on. The lines of privacy get blurred and it is really difficult to clarify them again, especially when the two sides have differing views on what the right amount of privacy is and you are nearly guaranteed that will be the case. It isn't worth the risk of ending up with a strained relationship. And it sounds like everyone involved is dealing with a lot of extra stress right now which will only add to the friction of living together. Nope, all around bad idea from my perspective.
I wouldn't do it.
However, it might be a good idea for them to move to the same city/neighborhood without actually living in the same house.
I'd say no.
The environment is stressful, without a baby and with a well MIL. A baby and a woman who is dealing with a devestating illness will take the stress meter into oblivion.
If she's having radiation, it might not even be safe for her to be around a pregnant woman or a small baby.
If she has cancer, why would she want to move away from her oncologist and her team of doctors? For her, it would only make sense if you live near a great cancer hospital like MD Anderson.
Meredith, 6-1-06 and Alex, 11-5-09
My MIL now lives 6 hours away (we're the closest immediate family-FIL passed away 12 years ago and she never remarried), and she keeps talking about moving down here. First, she suggested her buying a duplex, and us renting from her, but we quickly vetoed that idea. Then she wanted us to both build houses NEXT DOOR TO EACHOTHER. Again she got a firm NO WAY. Now we've got her saying she wants to live in the same town. This is a more reasonable situation for us, in my opinion. We don't live near my family either, so it might be nice to have a grandparent around to help when the kids come.
I said all that to say, you have to do what is best for your family, specifically for you and YH and your LO. The two of you need to sit down and figure out how you want this situation to work before you can sit down with the parents and talk to them about it. If you two aren't on the same page, no matter what living situation, it won't work.
Just my opinion though!
THIS
Same here, even if I got along with (or spoke to) my in-laws.
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While I am normally all for family togetherness and shared living spaces and whatnot, I will just say that when my FIL was doing chemo, the only person MIL was babysitting was him. And then went things got worse, we had not only our own kid to look after, but a terminally ill father too. And this is just with living in the same neighborhood.
If you don't think you would be okay with living together under normal circumstances, I don't think attempting to do so under all this added stress is a good idea. But if you guys have always been very close, I think it would be great to have your family close at hand for when the new baby comes and when your MIL will be needing some extra support.
no. i would NEVER move in with them.
and i'm not sure what kind of day care you're thinking you'll get. fil WORKS at home, meaning he's busy. MIL will be undergoing treatment. this doesn't seem like any day care to me.
Never. I wouldn't want to live with my mother either.
And, as others have already suggested, what is your MIL's treatment regimen going to be? Is that one of the motivating factors in their decision to move to your area?
Personally I wouldn't.
I'm just going to throw this out for consideration. Worst case scenario, your MIL dies, what are you going to do with FIL? Ask him to leave when the two years are up?
Oh HELL NO.
I agree with the pp's, this is going to turn into a mess. Assume that any time limit you put on them living with you won't matter, people always stay longer than they're welcome. Do you really want to spend every moment that you're home with your IL's? Because that's what's going to happen! And you'll probably be taking care of your MIL through her cancer treatments.
DO NOT do this. Don't feel about about telling them "no", and do not let them guilt you into it. It can absolutely ruin your relationship with them and that could ruin your relationship with your DH.
Based on your post and your hesitations, I think you know the answer here.
It seems to me, with your MIL's recent diagnosis, that she will not only not be able to be "built in daycare" but will become an extra person in the household (aside from your future baby & DH) for you to take care of.
Cancer is a nasty illness to battle and I have watched some of my family members go through it. Some days, they are living 'normal' attending family functions, laughing, eating, etc. and some days they are praying to die because they are in so much pain. I hope & pray that your MIL will not go through the suffering that I have witnessed, but the sad truth, is you just don't know how it's going to be.
You say that now it won't be a permanent living situation, however, can you predict how the future will go? What if MIL becomes very ill and FIL depends and needs you & DH to stick around and help him take care of her? What if, out of law school, DH doesn't find a job right away?
I am assuming that this is yours & DH's first child? So, you don't know how it will be with a new born yet. You don't know how your lifestyles will be and adjust to him/her once he/she is here (i.e. feeding, sleeping, DH needing time for his studies, etc.). That is a whole other issue on top of combining residences with your IL's.
My MIL went through breast cancer -- twice. DH's BIL's mom is also going through metastatic breast cancer. It's a nasty disease.
From a purely medical standpoint, having a newborn/infant in the house with somebody who's immunocompromised from chemotherapy is a very bad idea. Babies get lots of vaccinations during their first year, and a chemo patient can't be around somebody who's ill (babies also get colds and stomach bugs) or has recently received a "live" vaccine.
Plus, if she's getting chemo or radiation, she's going to have to go into a clinic or a hospital regularly to receive treatment. That's the last place you want your infant! Those sessions can take hours, and she won't be able to drive herself to and from them. She will also feel pretty rough at times and will need help with basic things, so your FIL will be working at home, taking care of his wife, and taking care of an infant, all at the same time. That's not a realistic expectation.
Don't kid yourself. Taking care of a newborn or an infant is physically demanding and exhausting work when you're young and healthy. Your in-laws will not be "built-in daycare" for you.
This just isn't a good idea for anybody concerned, and deep down I think you know that.
Both my grandmas and my step-grandma had cancer. Only one lived. She's been cancer free for a while now. They all fought long and hard. They had good days and bad days. But they couldn't be around anyone sick. Ever. And they certainly couldn't take care of anyone.
And I would never live with my ILs or parents. I love them all but never.
We are in a similar situation right now...my husband just graduated from Law School in May and is looking for jobs. We are living in a house owned by my FIL - we have agreed to stay here for a year and then re-evaluate. It's definitely difficult sometimes, but we are saving money. My FIL doesn't live with us...he lives in another state but is free to stop by and drop in whenever....
If you decide to live with your in-laws, always find alone time for you and your husband to spend together.
Good luck!
OMG DONT DO IT!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH JUST DONT DO IT!
My husband and I moved in with his brother and mom to help them save their house. I WISH SOOOO BADLY THAT I HAD FOUGHT THAT IDEA. i hate living here, my husband and i get no privacy... my MIL is a psycho. just don't do it lol we're moving out before baby gets here, but i feel like i needed to be out of here like yesterday lol
Oh, it's a bad idea! I'd say no! My husband's mother and his mother's brother lives with us and it is terrible! A month ago, and it's still going on, MIL and I had a fight about disciplining MY daughter. I've had it with her being disrespectful to me when all I do is respect her for 4 looong years! My daughter's almost 2 years old and is so ready to have time outs but every time we give her a time out the MIL intervenes! So one day I had it and just burst in anger. I told her that I've had it and that she's being disrespectful to me as my daughter's mother. You know what she said to me? Well, your being disrespectful to me and you're not doing the right thing on disciplining your daughter! Oh and to top it off, she said, you've been touching my stuff by re-decorating in the living room and putting my frames away (I did that just so my daughter would have a book shelf and a corner for her to play and an area just for her toys). Was that being disrespectful? My husband and I are just waiting for the housing market to get better then sell this house and have our own place. I can't even stand waking up weekend mornings for I don't want to see her and hear her voice even! Ugh!!! Every night and every weekends are not my favorites and it's stressing me out already to the point that I need to find a way to save my sanity.
So, if I were you, say no! It will be a living hell for you!
Living with ILs is not optimal, but there is also the reality that for some families it happens and can be made to work based on logistics, need, dymnamics, etc. (We rented out our home and moved in with MIL - family house for 3 generations, she is elderly and not physically great on a fixed income, we know we'll be taking on her care as she gets older.)
So, that said, things for you to consider:
- Absolutely have at least one sit-down with all of you to discuss how exactly this would work. Expectations (who cleans what/where, who takes MIL to doctor/treatments, rules for having company over, etc), finances, living space, healthy boundaries, etc.
- Realize that you can make an arrangement now, but life can change... what if either IL gets sick/sicker and needs more hands-on care? What if this occurs before they have moved on in a couple of years - you will likely be taking on their care (and if DH is in law school, you need to realize this will fall on your shoulders).
- Don't worry so much about how things look. Not even about what people on here might think of it - are they living there? Are they paying your bills or living day-in, day-out with your family's dynamic? No. This economy is whacked and people more and more are turning to new arrangements that might have been taboo recently. You need to do what is ultimately right for your family - if that means a mutually-beneficial living arrangement with the ILs that could work for all of you, so what?
ETA: Go into this with eyes wide open. When you bring ILs under the same roof, you are essentially marrying two more people. If you go through with this, you need to be prepared for that. And so do they.
GL!