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When do you become rude?
DH and I are building a new house and his family is becoming more rude than normal. I rarely talked to them about it because they never had anything nice to say but I have a personal blog that I post things about the house for my family and our friends out of state. They read my blog and then say snide comments later to me, I made it private but I just found out that my MIL and SIL are driving out to our site every week and grilling my contractor and his crew about our materials and then looking up the cost!
Here is where it can sound obnoxious, DH makes a lot more money than his family and my family has money so I know from previous interactions that it rubs them the wrong way but ever since we started building they've been so much worse. I try hard to not say anything that could be seen as bragging but his family still comments and acts as though I'm a complete selfish snob. Last week MIL said, "Elsie, I just can't imagine how you feel comfortable putting that expensive of tile in your house when you know that SIL can't buy her kids birthday presents."
I'm ready to be rude back because it's been 7 years of this kind of attitude but I don't know if in the long run it's the wisest idea. Should I or do you think I need to be more compassionate towards them?
BTW, DH does stand up to them but I need suggestions of ways to handle them directly, since they never say these comments in front of DH. TIA!!
Re: When do you become rude?
I would tell your contractors in no uncertain terms they are not to share anymore information with them, or anyone really. I would also have them ask you ILs to leave, just have your contractors give them the excuse of liability etc.
That would annoy me so much.
I'd also like to express my outrage at the contractors. I find it very unprofessional for them to be discussing the details of your contract (including costs) with anyone other than you and your husband. Please ask them to discuss it only with you.
I don't think there's any way of reasoning with people who try to pull these kinds of guilt trips. I would simply not answer her question, and say something along othe lines of "Our home and finances are not up for discussion."
Being rude never works. It ends up causing more tension and drama. And then sometimes you feel bad for being rude.
I suggest not talking about the house ever. Quit posting information on your blog, that just feeds into their negative energy. If you want to share information with your other family members or friends, then email them.
It makes me SO frustrated to think about censoring my life that much! Sometimes I feel like a prisoner with what I can and can't talk about and thinking about not being able to post whatever the helll I want on my own blog pisses me off!
Part of the reason I think MIL is doing the guilt trips about the cost of the house materials is because they and SIL asked DH if he'd give SIL a loan, more like a gift because she'd never pay it back, of 15,000.00. He said no because she's in crazy debt over the dumbest things like she HAD to have that TV and that new couch and she HAS to get her dark hair colored blonde once a month and get her nails done. And I got blamed as the reason DH said no, even though he told them in no uncertain terms that it was his decision.
One clarification, our contractor didn't give them the cost though. They went there and told him they were family and played the part of interested and excited and asked him what the tile and wood for the cabinets were and he told them. Then they went home and looked them up.
Exactly! And, FWIW, I always have to censor what I say around my mom. It sucks but you get used to it and realize it's not for her benefit, it's for yours. It just makes life easier.
Your MIL and my MIL should get together and go bowling. We used to get this crap ALL the time. It has slowed down since we started hanging up on them when they bring up money. We are lucky and live 3 states away.
AND HELL yes they are out of line.
AND tell your contractor they are by no means to give ANY kind of information about your cost on building that home. It is NON of their business. And frankly, I would tell your MIL and SIL that what you spend on tile is non of their business and stay the F@CK out of your finances and away from the construction of your home. Those contractors probably hate them by now.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
I don't think you should censor your life at all. These people are pathetic and asking for a loan of $15,000 is absolutely crazy.
Since you asked how you should handle these comments directly, my response would be to look MIL in the eye and ask her 'How is it mine or DH's responsibility to take care of the bad decisions SIL made her in life?' and follow-up to with a 'And while I find that situation sad, I don't think she should have her poor decisions enabled because she will not learn from being saved. DH and I and choose to not to enable her inability to make rational decisions but if you would like to continue by all means we will not stand in your way.' Smile and add she can feel free to discuss such matters when you and DH are together, but make sure you end the conversation because she will continue to be a$$.
I hate when people act passive agressive to make you feel bad. Don't feel bad and don't censor your life due to idiots. People like your in-laws get a certain joy by bringing up things like this.
Ofcourse you did. Don't take it personally - it is just much easier for them to pin it on you than him. I know that it is hard, but brush that part off.
Can you change them? Their attitudes? No. You know what they are going to be like after 7years. Expecting them to change is out of the question. Should you be rude? No. You are just stooping to their level and opening it up for them to really find beef with you. Continue to be polite to them, but don't discuss house or money with them.
Best of luck to you.
Wow....how is that your fault that SIL can't afford to buy gifts for her kids and you and your H make enough money to do your home the way YOU TWO like it??? That's not your problem and she has no right to put you on a guilt trip for it.
I'd tell her to get bent next time she makes a comment like that to you. Well - maybe not but that's definitely what I'd be thinking. But I don't see anything wrong with being rude if she's rude to you first. Your H needs to tell his family to mind their own business when it comes to how you and he spend your money.
::Wide-eyed, fake surprised look::
"How in the world do you know what tile we are installing, or how much it costs?"
Either they will stutter uncomfortably, or answer. If they answer, I'd just keep going in the same direction. Why would you go to our construction site? Why are you interested in our building costs?
Questions like this tend to have the same effect as the always popular:
"That wasn't very nice. Why would you say that to me?"
That being said, you ILs sound pretty bad, so it may be lost on them.
Tell your contractors not to disclose any information to anyone other than to you & your DH. Not even the type of tree the wood came from for the framework...you get the picture. If anyone questions them when they are working, all the contractor has to say is to ask you or DH and they are getting paid to build. If DH's family is going to be this sneaky, then it's time to draw some lines.
Also, do not DO NOT do not, discuss any house info and/or money, what things cost, etc. around DH's family. If they ask, "Ohh...this tile is pretty...what kind is it?" You can simply say, "I'm not sure, it's just something DH and I both liked." Just be vague and wishy-washy. You don't even have to be confrontational about it. Let DH handle them. It is for him to tell them they are out of line and to keep their noses out of yours & his finances.
Thanks for the suggestions. We talked to our contractor today and he said he'd be alerting his crew to not talk about our materials to anyone outside of us. DH is also considering asking them to request MIL and SIL to leave the site when they show up, as a "safety issue".
Ugh, I'm so sick of them.
Agreed!
Also, may I point out (and you might point out to MIL) ... next time mom makes a comment about SIL not being able to afford bday presents or X,Y,Z... innocently mention "Oh I figured they were doing fine now, I noticed they have a new television and couches and her hair and nails are always done, and I know that isnt cheap". You could also dismiss it with "we worked hard and saved up to build this house (or whatever you did to get the $ together) and now our work is paying off"... as a way to say, hey, we made choices that led us here. It wasnt a lottery win.
I also agree with not loaning/gifting $15000. That's ludicrous. As someone who has loaned money to friends with troubles, you dont ever get it back, and it's only enabling wasteful spending. You could diplomatically say "I have too often seen how large loans like that can cause bitterness and anger and ruin relationships. We'd rather not put money between us."
Good luck! but DO REMAIN DIPLOMATIC! Being rude will not get through to them, it will only reflect poorly on you. If you have to, sit down and discuss YOUR feelings... openly ! Not hostily! Say "listen I know you guys are upset about us not giving her the $ and the cost of our house, but here's how WE feel about it" and come from the heart. That's hard to get mad at if you explain gracefully!
I have the exact same problem...my In-laws live in almost poverty, but its by choice cause they wont change their life...and my now husband and I live as middle class americans. At our wedding two weeks ago, his family was above and beyond rude...the only way to handle it is to have DH and you confront them together so that they know you are a united front. He has to be the one to confront them because they are his family but you need to be there so they know you guys back each other. They should be proud of his accomplishments not jealous. We are still working on my in-laws, they were apparently rude because two of his siblings are unemployed....doesnt make sense to me since the wedding was free to them and had nothing to do with work.
Hope this helps, just know...you are not alone in this fight.
I almost never post on this site but I just HAD to when I got here. My situation was a little bit different.. but still an In-Law who loves sticking his nose in our finances.. Like telling me i MUST pay $100 more than my mortgage and when I started my business i MUST do this and that.. Dinner was ALWAYS stressful because we couldn't do ANYTHING without him bringing up money!
So I told my husband after his dad got in my face with his finger telling me what i MUST do.. I said that I will NOT go to dinner with them until your dad promises not to bring up money anymore. My husband completely understood and was supported. For 2 years he went to dinner with them without me except holidays and birthdays. The in-laws never even invited me! They knew because my husband told them.. The FIL was too stubborn to give up talking about money so for two years he'd just rather not invite me.
We are now on our 3rd year of marriage and his dad and I are actually really close!! Its really bizarre, but we get along really well.. He figured out that I have similar ideas about finances as him and he just needs to back off and stop telling me what to do!
His mother is still a work in progress and will probably never change.. Just imagine Everybody Loves Raymond without the humor.. I have actually lived through numerous episodes to the tee.
This, definitely! That behaviour is not on. My husband and I earn a lot more money than his family have ever earned. They are happy for us and in no way bitter (at least not to our faces).
That has to be ended as soon as you can to prevent it from going on for the rest of your lives!
I think every women feels the MIL boundaries breaking at some point in their lives and can totally identify with you.
You have to look at what you want as an out come from the situation, and your husband needs to weight in on this too. For example, do you want to still have them in your lives, do you want to have a good relationship with them, or do you want something inbetween.
Once you decide that, you can approach the situation as how you would like the outcome...
If you didn't care about your relationship with them you could simply say:
"I'm very sure you are aware what you are saying to me is hurting my feelings and is disrespectful to myself and my relationship with your son. It is making me feel that we need some time apart and when we are ready to talk with you about this we will contact you"
And really take a break. no phone, nothing, if they come over don't answer the doors etc. If you have children, you tell them that the IL's are having a time out, or whatever you use, and explain that they still love them.
if you want to have a balanced relationship then add a bit more understanding...
"Are you trying to hurt my feelings right now"
if yesor no "You need to realize that what you are saying is hurting me and I'd like you to stop"
"I understand that you are worried and just looking out for our best interests, and we appreciate that. However I feel that we have things undercontrol and if we need your help with anything we will let you know."
I don't think you need to address the whole SIL thing...see
its her own insecurities with money, and they most likely are having troubles with how well you are doing compaired to them... She's looking at way's to get you to fight back... Don't get tempted... Just try and look at the bigger picture and feelings, where they are coming from.
Also, Your Husband (because it is his family) needs to address the intrusion and let your family know that it is a liablity if they come to the site and would appreciate for their safety to stop coming.
While I agree about trying to have a rational conversation, (although it may not be possible) I completely disagree about posting on your blog. This is your home and dream. You and DH worked hard to achieve it and you have every right to be proud and excited to share with others. It's MIL and SIL's issue if they're jealous. Not yours.