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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Husband basically hates my family
My husband is adamant that he wants nothing to do with my family. He feels like he was disrespected at our wedding and that he still is not welcome into our family, even though he has done everything possible to be included. I am at a loss as to what to do. He doesn't want to spend the holidays with them and gets upset at me because I "haven't taken this seriously". This has already impacted us because when we have kids, he doesn't want my parents to have anything to do with them. Any suggestions on what to do?
Re: Husband basically hates my family
What happened that made him feel disrespected at your wedding? Does he expect your family to treat him the same as his family treats him?
I need more information here before I can offer much in the way of advice.
I will suggest counseling if only to resolve this issue between you NOW before you have kids as it will be 3x's worse when they're here.
You mean "He feels like my family showed him no respect at our wedding".
Dear, stop using the word "disrespected." it is ghetto, unsophisticated and not even a word.
MORE BACKSTORY. Maybe he is making a big thing out of nothing.
How old are you?
Truth be told, a lot parents *try* to say a lot of things about their child's marriage. You can't change that. You can only change how you react to it and handle the situation when it arises.
Out of curiosity, how are they trying to control the way you spend money? Somehow, I could see this being linked to them pulling out of the law school loan.
So they don't know him well and are over-involved in your lives?
Okay, well there's a simple answer to some of this: tell them to butt out when they try to exert control over you and your money or your reproductive lives. This means: you guys discuss your boundaries and you two enforce them.
Have they had a lot of chances to get to get to know your H? If not, and it was due to your living in a different part of the country then the comments aren't out of line--they're true. What have you or your H done to try and improve their relationship with him?
ok, and what have you done to address some of these things? this is an important piece of the story and can help us understand if your H's complaints are truly valid. so far, it sounds like your parents are kind of shady.
maybe YOU need to talk to them about cutting out the comments, because it's affecting your marriage.
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so he only planned on law school if they could help pay for it? what about student loans? or taking one class at a time?
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I totally understand for the most part what you're going through!!! My husband is pretty much the same way. My family also tries to control us and they feel that we don't do things the way they should be done in our marriage. I am 31 and constantly feel like they treat me like a child.
Totally understand where you're coming from on the kids part. I have 2 stepsons and they haven't exactly warmed up to them. RIght now they are the only grandchildren my parents have and my husband is a little shy right now to bring in another child because he doesn't want my parents to show favortism.
As for the money part, yes, I understand because my parents are constantly holding things over my head that they have done for me or me and my husband financially. Everytime we don't do what they think we SHOULD do, they will bring something like that up.
Totally, totally understand where you're coming from!! I hear ya girl!
Would he stop hating them if they took-on the obligation of paying back his student loan if he defaults? What's that, at least $80 grand?
Would you be allowed to be buddy-buddy with them then?
Its not the actual loan part that is upsetting him, its going back on their word. I was surprisingly able to cosign through a different company, so thats not the issue. And I have talked to them and told them the situation and they just sort of sat back and are waiting for him to come around. I hate that I am running in between them. I am on my husbands side, completely. But does that mean I have to sacrifice my relationship with my family?
I am going to try and answer this from your H perspective because in my situation, I am the one who has reached my limit with my MIL and SIL to the point I want nothing to do with them. OK, first the previous poster who asked what you have done to rectify this situation is 100% correct. If your family has offended your husband it is your job to speak with them about this, it is never his job....ever. Your husband is your family. God first, then your husband, then your children. If they dont like him...thats their problem, if they love you, they will give the poor guy a break and welcome him into his new family. And if they can't then it comes down to you. How would you want him to act if his family suddenly had a problem with you? He doesnt want his children around them because he probably feels that you, him and the children are a family and if they cant behave themselves and accept your husband, the father of these children into this family and treat him with respect, then to deny one is to deny all. I would never allow myself or my children to be in a place where my husband is not welcome. We are a team, and if you offend him, you offend me, and my family is mine to deal with, just like his would be an issue he needs to handle, and did after many years. I really feel for you honey, I know its hard when family fights. Another things is pray, nothing is too big for our Lord to fix. Best of Luck.
It doesn't mean you'll have to sacrifice your relationship with your family entirely. BUT, it does mean your relationship with them has to change. This means, they don't get access to the details of your lives (e.g.: when they make comments about you having kids, you respond with "DH & I will make that decision when we're ready" and leave it at that).
Is your H doing anything to get past this discontent over their going back on their word?
This.
More specifics please: When you said, "Mom & Dad, why did you go back on your word and not cosign this loan you agreed to cosign?" What was their response? Or have you not asked them that because you don't want to confront them?
A ton of this depends on their reasoning behind promising something and then backing out - especially when it has a pretty substantial impact on you, their daughter.
Frankly, in the interim, I'd knock off letting them in on any information about your money - which it sounds like has been an open book since you speak of their criticisms. That probably starts with you.
Why on earth would your parents have to cosign on a loan for his schooling, and why would it matter when you were perfectly capable of getting his school financed without their help?
Frankly, if you were asking for their financial assistance, and you were with the cosigning thing, they have every right to criticize and be involved in your finances. I wouldn't cosign a note for anyone fool enough to buy an RV to move with, when presumably you can't afford your dh's schooling requirements, which are much more important. I am guessing you did not 'confront' your parents about the loan thing because you already know why they declined to cosign; it was because they did not want to assist you and your dh when the two of you make less than stellar financial decisions.
Quit asking for their help; quit involving them in your financial and other matters; and stick up for your dh when your parents are critical of the two of you. Either the two of you are a team, or you're not. If other people have to finance your dreams, you're not a team, you're in extended adolescence.
Don't you and he know it's not wise or a good thing to do business with family or friends?
I'd have said hell naw to the loan if I was a parent.
He's working his way through school. Nothing at all wrong with that.
BTW, not commendable that he thought there was nothing wrong with getting a loan from your parents. What kind of character is this? I see a serious character flaw right there.
Suppose you and he split up or your parents had tough financial times? people are losing their jobs right and left; don't believe that crap about a recession being over or jobs being added to the job pool.
hellooooo? what did they say when you confronted them about backing out of the cosigning? i would be really pissed if my parents told me something like that (and i am not getting into whether cosigning is right/wrong/etc) and i moved across the country only to find out they were not going to cosign.
what did they say was the reason? i feel like you are purposely avoiding this question that so many people have asked!
So what then? Did you say, "Mom, we would not have moved out here without the assurance that you and Dad were co-signing this loan." How in the heck do you move cross country like that without everyone being on the same page? Was this really a legitimate misunderstanding between you, your husband and your parents, or do you have an email or something in which they state that they're willing to co-sign? Something tells me there's a lot more to this story than you're suggesting.
Meredith, 6-1-06 and Alex, 11-5-09
I'll agree with them the whole thing could have been handled better.
Bottom line: it is THEIR money. You had nothing in writing saying they would cosign, and even if you did, you'd have been hard-pressed to coerce them into moving forwad if they changed their mind.
I'm sorry, but you and your husband sound kind of naive and a bit too spontaneous (buying an RV when you need a cosigner for school loans, letting mom & dad have too much info into your finances - which as it turns out maybe you need some guidance there from someone, preferably non-family, your DH throwing a tantrum b/c he didn't get his way by putting your parents' finances on the line for his loan, etc). I definitely wouldn't have been keen to put my money on the line.
I really don't know whether to believe you or give your parents the benefit of the doubt.
If what you're saying is true ... meaning, if they changed their story to "we never said we would" after you and your DH packed up everything and moved across the country... I honestly don't know why you have much of a relationship with them at all. I would be furious. I would not be able to trust parents who changed their story like that.
The timeline of all this bothers me, too. Surely your DH applied for grad schools on the East Coast before you moved. (Not move, then apply.) Why would you move before you knew whether you were accepted or not? Wouldn't this conversation have been brought up over and over during that process?
Honestly, I'm having a very hard time believing that your parents did a complete 180 for no reason. It would be easier to believe that you and your DH did something irresponsible with your money that made them question their decision, or that you heard them say what you wanted to hear (i.e. "we'll think about it," = "yes, we will co-sign").