Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Husband basically hates my family
What were their exact words when they agreed to this loan? I'm starting to doubt they actually said, "of course we will co-sign." Did they mention looking into it, thinking about it, etc... then you got really excited about moving back close and just assumed everything was taken care of? Did they not mention it anymore because they had no idea the impact that had on y'alls moving to PA?
It's done with. Obviously the wires were crossed, but everything worked out. Your dh is being a brat. Not to mention, I'm in law school, it is not terribly difficult to get a loan. How bad of credit does he have? That would definitely impact whether or not they co-signed with him.
Clearly the two of you are irresponsible so I don't blame your parents for backing out. I imagine the chances are pretty high that you will end up defaulting on the loan.
And why in the world would your husband change law schools before he knew for certain that he would be able to pay for the new one? Even if your parents did co-sign, there was still a chance that the loan could have been declined.
And why in the world would you buy an RV to move cross-country?
Perhaps your family is too involved in your finances, but it sounds like you could use some major guidance.
Well, if I were your husband, I would want a step back, too!
I'd have a hard time hanging around someone who lied to me. Yes, it's their money, but it's their money to say "no, I can't help you," not their money to dangle in front of you to get you to return to PA, only to have them turn around and say "I told you we would discuss it."
I think your parents did you a favor. Now you know you can't rely on them. Your H is also right that they have too much influence on your life, with their questions and opinions on how you need to live your life. IMO, your H is wrong to be mad at your parents. He should tell YOU to grow the FVCK up. Mommy and daddy don't get to tell you when to get married or when you should have children. It seems immature that you agreed to pick up and have your H switch law schools just b/c you were homesick. Please! Law school is three years! You have plenty of opportunities to move back to the PA area after your H was done.
The fact that you "miss" your mom and dad and want to run to them after they lied to you and threw a big curve into you and H's life is a huge deal! While I agree that you and H shouldn't have asked them for a loan, what your parents did was very manipulative and douchey. And I can understand why your H thinks it best to keep your kids away from someone that manipulative and also that controlling. The only problem is that he is blaming the wrong person. Instead of blaming your parents, he should blame you for giving them so much power over your life.
I think its best for your marriage, and for your personal growth, to keep your distance from them. Go to your little brother's NHS induction, say hi to your parents, and then leave. You don't need to hang with them, give them private information about your life, let them tell you how to spend your money and when to give kids, then give them a hug and tell them it's a-ok that they pulled the rug out from under your plans. After all, they are "family!" I actually think that you and H would benefit from couples counseling. You need to put him first, and YOU need to be a stronger person. Eventually, you should be strong enough that you can stand up to them. At that point, I think your H should get past the loan incident (although I don't think he should trust them again). After all, it was wrong of the two of you to expect your parents to do that, regardless of what they were trying to bribe you to do.
I'm a little confused about your h's reasons for not liking your parents. "They lied to us and are always are in our business." is completely different than "they disrespected me at the wedding."
You keep asking if you have to "sacrifice your relationship with your family." There is a big gulf between sacrificing a relationship and establishing boundaries so that your husband and your marital relationship is your priority.
It's possible that your parents did what they did to get you to move close to them. Or it's possible it was a genuine misunderstanding.
At this point it's really irrelevant. What is relevant is how involved in your loves your parents are.
You need to create boundaries with them. Don't discuss your finances. Cut them off when they comment about your marriage. Cut them off when they comment on when you'll TTC.
Are they blatantly rude to your husband, or are they just not super friendly? if they're rude, then get up and leave every time they are rude to him. If they are polite but distant, then you may just have to accept they will never be close with your husband.
Your husband possibly has expectations that your parents will be super buddy buddy with him. That expectation may not be realistic.
So you need to work out, what are yours and your husbands expectations around your parents involvement in your life, and how can you create an appropriate boundary.
yep. tell them no visits to the RV ever again. and their free legal advice in a few years is also being taken back.
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Why wouldn't you look for other alternatives BEFORE asking your family for help?
I don't care if you've got it in an e-mail that they're willing to help, willingness is not a promise to help. That shows irresponsibility and immaturity on both your parts--you jumped at the easy route without any consideration for the potential harm it could do to your parents.
Unless your parents are going out of their way to be rude and impolite to your husband, he needs to get over himself and you need to stop discussing so much of your lives with them.
Again, there is no censure necessary here beyond perhaps directing some toward you and your husband for expecting something without it being explicitly discussed and completed BEFORE you made the big move.
Frankly I don't know what to believe anymore. This whole account has been so piecemeal, it's not clear which side (if not all of them) are wackadoo.
I'll just sum it up with a GL!