Family Matters
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: When do you become rude?
My in-laws are nuts. I used to be mean and rude but it never got me anywhere but more problems. Every since I have taken the high road EVERY single time and let them dig their own grave it helped my hubby realized that I wasn't the problem. He always sticks up for me too but he has stopped picking up their phone calls so much and had to sit down with them both seperately to tell them to stop trying to ruin our relationship. He has to address it...maybe more than 1 time until they realize you guys are not backing down and will build the life you want/earned.
My SIL has similar behaviors to yours and my H only talks to her when she contacts him. It has helped us a ton.
In order to make genuine progress in this situation that you can feel GOOD about, I would recommend being honest with your in-laws in a compassionate way.
For example: Invite the MIL and/or SIL to coffee one day and let them know that you're uncomfortable with the way things have been going, and that their actions are sometimes hurtful to you. Explain that you have great respect for their family but that you need to feel like you can create your own "family" dynamic with your husband as well. Acknowledge that you come from different backgrounds, and that you and them can disagree on financial matters, or the house, but that you don't want that to sully your relationship with them.
This situation is an opportunity for you to act in a way that is sound, compassionate and strong. You have the choice to focus on the most important thing--having a respectful, more peaceful relationship with your in-laws. It's not about "backing down" or being "weak" -- I think you can use your best inner qualities to rise above the petty power struggles and do something you'll be proud of, and that will pay off in the long run. Most likely, your intuition already knows the best thing to do
I agree with letting all the contractors know that discussions with anyone but and your husband are off limits. I also agree with not allowing them to be on the property while work is being done. There are so many issues with liability and insurance. You contractor should also be concerned with that.
As far as the rudeness I would express the "I statements.... I feel, I need I do not understand...." because combating rude with rudeness just makes a bigger mess. You and your husband will always be in tied to it.
I feel that you are not being supportive if our new home... of our decisions, of our privacy, of our family. My feelings are hurt and I do not understand...
But the ball in thier court
Take the wind out of thier sails
I don't understand why the only options are being nice or being rude. Why can't you politely and sternly stand up for yourself? IMO, being "nice" stopped being a feasible option the moment they opened their mouths with rude and insulting comments. Polite? Yes. Nice? No.
From what you've posted, I think your issue isn't so much about how much money you and your husband have, but that you are their verbal punching bag (in the sense that they feel that they can verbally assault you without you responding in a stern manner). From what you posted, your MIL and SIL say these things together, as if they're ganging up on you, when your husband isn't around. It?s possible that they get a kick out of upsetting you because they know that you won't put them in their places. This verbal assault has been going on for 7 years? IMO, their comments aren't just annoying they're insulting and rude because they cross the boundaries of mutual respect.
Honestly, what do you have to do with their finances? If they truly had a problem with your finances, why wouldn?t they say these things in front of your husband as well? I think you need to stand up for yourself. Under no circumstance, should these women feel that they can speak to you anyway that they feel, and be disrespectful and hostile towards you. It doesn't matter how they feel about you or your finances, they should be keeping these thoughts to themselves. Yes, your husband can and IMO should stand up for you. But there also comes a time when you need to stand up for yourself. I would definitely put them in their place.
I totally understand how you feel. Went thru the exact same thing with my MIL for my wedding, and when we bought our first house.
For the wedding, everything I told her, she had a snide negative comment to say about it. When I had narrowed down my dress search to 3, I invited my aunts, cousins, friends, and some women from DH side to help me decide. That was my first real trouble with her. She snuck up and looked at the price tag of my dress, which it was $2500. Then she told some of his relatives, and I actually got a phone call from one of my DH aunts laughing at the price I paid for my dress. Well, my dad didn't care about the money, he wanted his only daughter to be happy. His attitude was, I'd rather spend that money on your dress for your wedding, then your funeral. Anyway, it was anythig and everything after that. From the colors, to the mens tuxes, to the price of the cake. I just stopped discussing and sharing with her. Then like 4 months before we got married, thats when she just started making fun of me for anything and everything. Some how she'd find out about DH and my fights, and she would bring them to the table. It was hard but I just ignored it all.
For the house...After we decided we were getting this house in the same town my parents lived in, she got a realtor magazine and circled and counted how many houses around the city there were, that were a better deal then the house we were getting. The house was a foreclosed house, and it had a swimming pool. I overheard bad mouthing the pool to my husband on the fun, and then when she saw me the next time, she said you are going to have to have me over sometime.
My only advise is, which I learned from my SIL mistake is...Don't dish it back, just ignore it. Realize you are the bigger and better person. Don't give her the satisfaction that she is getting to you. Thats what she wants...You made her mad for jealousy reasons, and its out of your control. My SIL dished it back, and my MIL eats her like chocolate chip cookies now. You have to realize that all these changes, will end, you will settle into your house, and her comments will go away..Hopefully! She doesn't make comments really anymore anyway. Well..The 5 times she has been over at our house she makes comments about how our dogs need to be outside dogs.
Anyway, Its hard not to say something, but out of respect for your husband, you have to be the bigger person here. I talked to my husband about what his mother was doing...He didn't really take it the way I anticipated. I realized thats his mother, he isn't going to see it my way ever. He had an excuse for all her actions. So, I just kind of nipped it in the butt. It kind of pisses me off, but the otherside...she is only a fraction of our marriage, such a small fraction that I just take what she says and I put it behinde me. Hope this works! Good luck, and I hope you like your new house!! From a supportive person, you and your husband earned this! You deserve it!
I have to agree with Marie - Like I said, standing up for my self without attacking the person was very beneficial to me.
A simple statement like, "I will not be around your family if we talk about money:" is something that people wouldn't necessarily take as a personal assualt.. I even said something like "I get really bad anxiety when talking about finances with anyone but my husband - I really don't like to talk about finances during situations that are meant to be joyful, finances have no place there"
Then you are standing up for yourself without really attacking any one comment or situation.. just nix the whole topic.. and say that you will not come over until they promise.
That's way out of line. How are your finances their business?! And where is the correlation between the tiles you chose and the fact that your SIL "can't afford" birthday gifts for her kids. She could go without getting her nails done! Why can't she just do them herself? It sounds to me like she is selfish in her priorities for spending money and that all of them have that sense of entitlement, which is so wrong and so prevalent in America.
I would want to say something rude back like what a lot of people are saying and I love the innocent approach too. But I think confronting the situation diplomatically is best if you want to have any kind of relationship with your ILs or if you can't avoid them. A passive response won't make the situation change and a rude one will probably just make things worse.
Your husband should do the talking but you all need to sit down together and tell them that it's not ok to discuss your finances in this way. They are between you and your husband. Set some kind of clear boundary for them. Tell them that you don't like being compared with other family members and it makes you feel like their trying to guilt trip you (which they obviously are) and that's not OK. They have no right to give you a guilt trip because you have been wise with your finances and are building the house that you want now.
Focus on how YOU feel and what YOU think about the situation. If you point fingers too much, it will just turn into an argument and make the situation worse. It sounds like they are jealous and probably feeling inadequate. If you focus the issue on your own responses to what they say rather than attacking them for what they've said, I think they'll respond better. Of course, you know them, so you'll be able to guess better how they would respond but that's been my experience with confronting people in the past and I've had a lot of it.
Also, I totally agree with @kisluvkis that loaning money to friends and family is off-limits and it puts money in a place where it doesn't belong; between people. Wise choice, especially when the person you'd be lending to is so unwise with money. I have some unintentional experience with this. I gave a gift to a family member that kept on giving when I didn't know it. The gift was just that. It wasn't a loan but some unauthorized withdrawls were made from my account that I didn't know about. We finally talked about it and that was years ago now and things are fine.
Good luck!
Mrs. Elsie,
I sympathize with you. My daughter is in the same situation with her MIL & SIL. They blame everything on my daughter when her H stands up to them.
It's insane how much time these people spend trying to find out their business and posting stuff about them on Facebook. They say & do the most hurtful things, even going so far as to talk bad about the grandkids. These are my grandkids too and it even makes me angry.
My daughter and I vent to each other, but we don't stoop to their level and talk about them with other people. My daughter has tried to talk to them in a calm and rational way, but they just don't get it and I don't think they ever will!
I have advised my daughter to just kill them with kindness whenever she has to be around them and just go on with her life. THEY are the ones with the problem! You can't fix stupid!
gook luck to you!
I agree with several of the PP's about being stern and sticking up for yourself by simply taking the wind out of their sales. My MIL is a crazy train and we have exactly opposite opinions on EVERYTHING. For example, I went to vet school, she doesn't believe in modern medicine, I have a good career, she believes that living in poverty is the only way to Heaven. Ugh.
Anyway, everytime she questions our decisions and tries to impose her opinion on me, DH, or DS, I tell her, "This is our decision based upon what we think is right for us and our son. You had the chance to make these choices for yourself and your children and now it is our turn. This isn't up for discussion." It usually shuts her down effectively. Pisses her off, but definately ends the conversation.
Being rude won't solve any problems. It'll only prove to your MIL that you are an obnoxious snob. (even though you're probably not if you're asking how to deal with this tough situation)
In some cultures, it's considered rude to keep any money when other family members are poor. I've known many people that routinely send money home to their folks, unsolicited or not. That may be where her motivation lies. But all the same, it's bad behaviour to expect gifts. And even worse behaviour to investigate other people's income. So call her out on it. Point out if that you wanted her to know, you would have told her. It was poor form to go to your contractor and investigate. Next time she can ask you point blank (and you can say it's none of her beeswax). And in this conversation, be sure to ask her why she did that in the first place so you can establish the source of the problem/motivation. Point out to her that it's ok to agree to disagree, and that you will respect her beliefs if she will respect yours.
All the same, you may also save yourself a headache by stopping the blog. It may seem like a great place to vent, but you're only feeding into your MIL's insecurities when you're keeping her out. Or make an anon blog.
WOW.. personally, I woud've told my MIL that's it's not my fault that my SIL cant buy her children gits, maybe the MIL should be the one to help out if it was that big of a deal. I'm the type of girl that I've been walked all over most of my life and taken advantage of by those who I've helped out so now I'm pretty blunt.. because before too long, it's just going to build up inside of you then you are going to go off on her. and I wouldnt worry about you being rude, they are the ones who are being rude AND nosey by butting into your financial business with how much you are spending.. I can tell you when we get our first house, it's going to be one we live in for a while.. and I prob will spend the extra money because I want it to look nice, and last. Go on girl! getcha some nice tile!
HAHA! I literally laughed out loud at this!
Now, firstly, I would like to say that I'm sorry you are having to deal with this! The feeling of building the home of your dreams should be exciting and joyful, not having to deal with all of this! You MIL and SIL are obviously way out of line here, but I think that being rude back can only cause problems down the road. Like it or not, they are family. I would have your husband talk to them, and I would second the part about telling the contractors not to give away any information! That is just ridiculous!
Next Time MIN says "I can't imagine how you feel comfortable while MIL blah blah blah ..." Tell her you feel fine.
Enjoy your new nest too!
I would say never become rude the the in-laws because you may not know where the line is that will actually anger your husband. That said, I heard once that the best way to answer an uncomfortable question is with a question..."Why would you ask me that?", " Why do you want to know", "How do you know", etc. That will make them uncomfortable themselves and hopefuly they will cut down on teh intrusiveness, if only for their own sake.
Definitly tell teh contractors to tell them to leave teh site and give no information. It's really pathetic that they spend so much energy looking into this, looking up the prices-really?
Would you consider it "rude" to ask that financial topics never come up when at a family oriented event such as dinner, holidays, visits? Tell them that you will not attend if they can not promise or abide
I would give your SIL a copy of Dave Ramsey's total money makeover and tell her to bud out of your finances. Loaning money to a relative is stupid, especially if you know that you will never get it back. Any they should be happy that you and your husband are so successful, not jealous. Especially your MIL, aren't parents supposed to want their kids to do better in life than they did? The whole guilt trip about no birthday presents is so not your problem, especially with SIL spending some serious $ on her hair!!
I would maybe go about this the round about way though. You don't want to piss off MIL and SIL, they are family afterall and you are going to have to live with them for a long time. I would maybe address this situation as look at this cool book, this is how we got our money/budget in order to afford these wonderful things... maybe it would help you out too. That way you aren't being rude. I love Dave Ramsey, he always has wonderful advice, and it may work in your situation.
Just grin wickedly here for a second-
Imagine SIL's face if you were to hire a financial planner for her and her family as this year's holiday present from DH and you.
I wouldn't actually do that though, it would probably cause a lot more drama. I'm sorry, Sweetie, you're most likely going to constantly have to deal with this...I just hope they don't make the kids directly guilt you.
As many have mentioned, being calm, collected and rational is your best choice. Your body language will help you as well...stand or sit up straight, chin up-smile sweetly- and look them right in the eye when you're responding to those comments. Let them know you're confident and won't back down to this pressure- by how you respond and what you say.
I've got 3 suggestions...
First, when they bring up the cost of something you and DH are putting in your new home, tell them you got a great deal on it and politely say something along the lines of, "your son/brother absolutely loved it and thought it would look perfect in our new home."
Second - make a second blog to post stuff for your family and friends out of state. Leave the other one up that your in-laws read and you can continue to post, but leave it vague. It will satisfy their craving and keep them off of your property while the contractors are building your house. You could always go a little extreme and set up no trespassing signs so if/when they do show up, the contractors have permission to call the police if they won't leave. That'll step on a few toes though.
Things won't ever change with them blaming you for things your husband says or does. I've been dealing with the same thing with my husband's family. Any time he doesn't do something they want, I get blamed for it. Some people have to point their finger at someone else to feel better. It's sad. Which comes to my 3rd suggestion - you and your husband need to sit down and confront them TOGETHER, as a united front. So anything they say to you, your husband hears and can confront. Anything that one of you say to them, the other one backs the other person up. After you lay everything out on the table, set boundaries. If things don't change, you both won't have anything to do with them. Cut them off. Just because they're family doesn't give them the right to treat you like crap, or your husband.
As far as your sister-in-law is concerned... after everything is said and done, tell her to go find a sugar daddy since your husband's pocket book is already taken. :P Good luck with it all. I know it's no fun to deal with and creates a lot of stress and sleepless nights. Anyone that treats you and your DH less than you deserve doesn't deserve the right to even be in your presence. Remember that.
So much good advice has been posted. And it seems, sooo unfortunately, that most of us in a similar situation. Yipes! I'm to the point of having anxiety most of the time I'm going to see them.
My favorite post was by 'Algorhot':
Wide-eyed, fake surprised look: "How in the world do you know what tile we are installing, or how much it costs?"
Either they will stutter uncomfortably, or answer. If they answer, I'd just keep going in the same direction. Why would you go to our construction site? Why are you interested in our building costs?
Questions like this tend to have the same effect as the always popular:
"That wasn't very nice. Why would you say that to me?"
The pro side is that even though it won't stop her from saying what she's saying but makes her accountable. Maybe you could say it in hindsight. Like last week when you said .... you really shocked me....
The con is that they'll usually tend to just pin you as overly sensitive. They do what they do b/c they know they can. I just heard something on '30 Rock' last week that's stuck with me. 'Being rational with irrational people doesn't work. Fear does.' Not sure how to put this to use yet but it's something to ponder. Such as, make them fear losing time seeing their 'son' if they make you unhappy.
I'd say something like, "sorry this is making you unhappy. Maybe we should just stay away until the house is completed bc I hate to make you feel uncomfortable. That was never our intent and what you are saying is quite startling. It's time to go now. All the best to you." So in other words, if she wants to be around, she has to play nice. Otherwise you're taking your toys and going home.
As far as your blog. I think I know how you feel. By altering your posts you'd feel caged and a puppet just appeasing her instead of free and enjoying this time. Maybe tell her to unsubscribe to the blog or if there's a way to block her.
Also maybe in situations where they try to put you on the spot money or time wise, say 'I'll discuss it with your son and get back to you'. So they learn that you work everything out together. You are your own family now.
Lastly, they are doing this bc A) they are losing control and
they're unhappy. Only unhappy people act this way.
Wishing you all the best!!
How horrible!
First of all, the contractors have no right to discuss project details with anyone not signing the cheque. I would want to be sure that stopped right away.
The next time someone says something, I would definately stand up for yourself. I understand it can be hard since they are family, but it's not their business.
Maybe something along the lines of "I understand we don't share common ground financially, but I consider finances to be private, and it makes me uncomfotable when you attack me because of it. Every person leads a slightly different life, and has their own crosses to bare. I would appreciate it if you would keep comments about money to yourself, because I don't want it to have a negative influence on our relationship."
Just a thought! I like to write things out before I confront anyone - I find it helps.
Kepp us posted! Good luck!
Wonderful advice!!!!
oh i so understand you my MIL is so imposing herself on us.
She always asking lots of Question about our apartment when are we buying or have i clean the house all sort of question and best of all my hubby never say a thing he founds that normal and ok that she is dso involve in our life.
its so difficult?
But you cant repky back or you'll stoop to their level just tell you H to tell them that there is a line they sould never and its not your prob if your SIL has no money to buy gifts for her kids