Minneapolis/St. Paul Nesties
Tired after a long morning of hiking and swimming.
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What are the reasons you do or don't want kids?
What are the reasons you do or don't want kids?
Tired after a long morning of hiking and swimming.
Re: What are the reasons you do or don't want kids?
I think that those are really sweet reasons to want kids. Just think of all of the people out there who have kids but never took the time to be so thoughtful about why they want them. I want kids but I am scared of the venture too because I know that they're a lot of work. I feel like people always tell us "UH! Wait to have them. They're so much work!" I hate it when people try to discourage it. How awful. The reasons that I want kids make the work worthwhile. I look forward to spending time with them.
I was in Bali last April. All of the locals thought it was so strange that we didn't have kids at ages 29 (me) and 34 (DH). They said that the cultural reasons to have kids is so different there versus in the US. There, people have kids so that they have someone to take care of them when they're old. IN the US we have kids for other reasons, when we're thoughtful about it and it's not a surprise. So often in the US, people have kids and end up taking care of them well into the kids' adult life. I think that a mutual middle ground of the two is a good way to go.
I want kids, in part, because:
I am blessed to have a loving and healthy relationship with DH and it'd be an honor to share that and pass it along to the next generation.
DH will make a terrific dad and I think I'll make a good, loving mom.
I cannot wait to teach them, play with them and learn from them.
We have families that love kids and cannto wait for us to have one. I know that our kids will have a great support system.
Life is short and I think that having kids is one of those really great parts of it. I'd regret it if we didn't.
I am excited to watch the child grow into an adult and to support them through that process.
I'm always up for a challenge!
It'd be great to have young people look out for us when we geet old (I wouldn't want to be a burden though)
My reasons for possibly wanting kids are totally selfish, but here they are:
1. They are cute and do funny things and I know I would adore them.
2. Doing all the kid-centric life events would be fun.
3. When I am older, it would be nice to have children in my life and interact with them and their families.
My reasons for possibly NOT wanting kids:
1. I am very easily annoyed.
2. I fear that they marginalize the relationship of the parents and I always want that to remain a focus.
3. They are unique personalities and there may be more problems than just the typical child/parent issues.
4. I fear that I would obsessively worry about them.
5. My father was horrible to us and I'm afraid that I would perpetuate that.
6. I am selfish and I don't want my choices in life to be limited because of the demands of the children.
Judging
We really struggled with the decision to have kids/not have kids and how many. We decided our reason's for not having kids were pretty shallow and self absorbed (not being able to travel, go out, do things when we want, etc). We also looked at the big picture and really truly felt that we'd regret the decision to NOT have a kid when we were 60 and all of our friends had kids and grand kids to dote on.
Currently we've decided to keep it to one kid because we can still travel, and go out, and we have a great family support system in place where they are always willing to take him if we want a night on the town, and so we don't have to get a sitter per se.
MY reasons for only having one are that I really hate the pregnancy experience, and I have no reason to hate it because I had a perfect pregnancy (no M/S, no health issues, very minimal weight gain), and an even more perfect labor/delivery (8hrs start to finish 1.5 of that hard pushing). I just am not one of those oooey gooey pregnant women who rub their stomach, and gush about how awesome it is and ask everyone to touch them.
Hopefully it helps to have a perspective of someone who has had a kid and what it feels like. Now I am so completely in love with him and he is just the worlds sweetest guy I couldn't ever imagine NOT doing it once...even though I still don't want to be pregnant again.
Plan and simple as I couldn't imagine my life without children.
I did a whole blog post about this a while back. But, basically, we don't want to have kids because:
1. We enjoy our freedom and spontaneity.
2. The world is overpopulated as it is; we don't need to contribute to that.
3. We don't want to pass our medical issues on to children.
4. Children are expensive, and we enjoy having disposable income.
5. Our decision is always reversable. We can adopt later in life if we choose to, but we can't give up/return the kid if we change our minds.
6. We might someday take custody of my nephew, and one kid is enough for us, so no need to add more.
7. I've kinda already been there, done that. I basically raised my two younger sisters.
8. There is no assurance that, just because you have a child, they'll be there to take care of you in old age.
9. I'm in school right now to change my career from financial services to social work, so my priority right now is school and settling into a new career; NOT being a mommy. By the time I get settled into my new career, it might be too late for us to have children, and we're okay with that.
I think those sound like just the sort of reasons to have children.
I don't want children for a number of reasons. I don't particularly like children. I'm not that interested in rearranging my life to raise a child, which is necessary, at least to some extent, to be a good parent. Most of all, I just don't have the biological urge. I think that is really the reason most people have children. It is a biological urge. I don't have it. Mine is broken or something.
My brother recently had a baby, and I visited when she was a week old. I love her; she's precious. But when I was asked if it made me want a child, my immediate reaction was "oh no; it makes me glad I can go home after visiting." I'm in my 30s, and I've felt this way since I was a teen. I don't see it changing, although we do say never say never. We reevaluate ever so often just to see if our minds have changed, but they haven't so far.
We went in circles about this, until I unexpectedly ended up pregnant and our decision was taken away anyway! This will probably be a novel...but here we go...
I think DH has ALWAYS wanted kids, he loves kids. Personally, I never had that desire to have them. Not for any good or compelling reasons, I just didn't. I couldn't imagine giving birth and going through that. I couldn't imagine having some little person to look after, take care of, watch over, keep safe, feed, bathe, clothe, etc. for years and years to come. That responsibility scared me too much. I did like having our freedom, and coming and going as we please, so that did play into my feelings as well.
When I found out I was pregnant with Olivia, I was definitely freaking out. I'd never given much thought to it, and knew NOTHING about babies. I was sure we would be horrible parents and our child would be damaged for life. As pregnancy kicked in, and reality started setting in, we definitely came around to the whole idea, and it just felt right. And, once she was here, we KNEW it was right. We felt much more complete than we had before...like we were just meant to have her.
As she started growing, we knew we weren't done and our family was not complete. 3 kids just sounded perfect to me. So, we threw caution to the wind last October and decided to see what happened. Much to our surprise, I ended up pregnant again 2 weeks later. Quite a shock, but we were very excited. Amelia has been quite the handful, so I'm not sure about having #3, but we'll see what happens once she becomes more independent and all that.
Honestly, I do miss our freedom and being able to just do whatever we want all the time (and the ability to spend money on MYSELF once in a while)...but then I see my girls, and I realize that really doesn't matter. They bring so much joy and so many new experiences to our lives, that I don't need the other stuff. I had 24 years of freedom and selfishness, and I'll have that again one day, for the remainder of my life after that (well, the freedom anyway), so what's a small chunck of my life devoted to my kids in the long run, especially for everything they give me? Everytime my girls learn something new, do something new, say something new, discover something they can do, etc, it just amazes me and warms my heart. Like I said, they just complete us...being parents completes us. And, knowing what it's like to be pregnant, carry, deliver and raise a child... I can't imagine never knowing those feelings and the amazingness of each step.
I agree with those that have said the reasons you've stated are great reasons to want to have children!
I have always imagined myself being a mother. Maybe it's because I am the oldest of 5 children, but I have always had a maternal instinct. Other reasons:
1. I think it is the most wonderful way to show the love that DH and I share for each other.
2. Family is so important to me and I cannot imagine a family without children. Plus I can't wait to watch Carly and each of our future children growing up.
3. When you marry in the Catholic church you agree to accept children into your marriage.
4. I know that we will be great parents to Carly and our future children. We need more well adjusted people in this world!! A lot the wrong people are populating this world with children. Just by thinking through this decision says to me that you would be a great parent!
5. When I am older I want to be surrounded with family and to be able to have someone to take care of me if needed.
My Bio
Married Bio
We definitely want children, but I will say that I have thought long and hard about the reasoning and though I know it is the right decision for us, I am not at all disillusioned about it being "easy" or "fun" all the time.
Some of the things I am worried about:
1) Losing our freedom, and the ability to just have time for ourselves whenever we want it.
2) Losing sleep, being exhausted and getting impatient.
3) My relationship with my husband changing.....us ending up so consumed with the kids that when they grow up and move out, we don't know each other anymore.
4) Our money being tied up in kids, and being unable to have "fun" with our money.
5) Totally selfishly, but my body changing! I am worried that I will never feel "attractive" again after having kids.
6) What if my kids are @ssholes? I don't want to have my kids turn out to be jerks or hell-raisers.
On the other hand, the reason we DO want to have kids:
1) We want to raise productive members of society who contribute positively to the world around them. If we raise good people that make a positive difference, that would be the best.
2) I want to have children to share all of the wonderful experiences that my parents shared with me while I was growing up.
3) I am excited about watching our future children grow up, and accomplish things that are important to them, and start families of their own. I feel like I am the kind of person who would encourage my children to do whatever it is that makes them happy.
4) I want to see what kind of child my husband and I create. I want to experience pregnancy. ETA: If we cannot have our own children, we will likely adopt.
5) I cannot imagine our family without children. That said, I used to want a big family, and now, I really think that I would be happy with 2 kids at most, so that we can still have a little bit more freedom both financially and time-wise.
That was long, I apologize! I know that there are both pros and cons, but we are excited to have children, and are hoping that we can get through the challenges that we KNOW we will face!
2.3.11: Started TTC
2.8.12:Initial b/w - Normal
3.7.12:HSG - Normal
3.8.12:S/A - Normal
Cycle #12/Month #15 - 50mg.Clomid CD5-CD9 - BFN
4.24.12: RE appointment - DX Unexplained IF
7.12 - 9.12: TTA
10.12 - 1.13: TTC Naturally
February 2013 - IUI #1 w/100 mg Clomid - 5 mil.post-wash: BFFN
March 2013 - IUI #2 w/100 mg Clomid & Trigger - ?? MY BLOG
This was me up until about 2 years ago. One of the things that started to change my heart was the love I felt for my dogs. I think I got a glimpse of being a mom when we adopted our first dog in 2003. I started to see the unconditional love you could have for your pet and how you would do anything for them.
I was also absolutely scared out of my mind of the labor and delivery and after delivering my daughter I think dh thought we wouldn't have any more kids but your mind slowly forgets and I wouldn't not expand our family just because of the labor and delivery.
For me, being a mom has been the most amazing experience of my life. The love for your child is hard to even explain in words. I feel like people sometimes talk about the negative things about having a child like the financial responsibility, lack of independence, etc and those are definitely valid things to consider when having a child and before children those things were so important to me. I feel like I still have a lot of independence and see my friends just as much or maybe even more than I did before I had my daughter. My husband is an amazing father and he usually takes over with her care once he walks in the door from work. Just this Sunday night my friend called me during our daughter's bedtime and within 5 minutes I was out the door to have coffee with her. I love that I can still be spontaneous and do things on a moments notice knowing my husband will be fine taking care of our daughter.
One of the reasons my husband and I had children is because we want to build our own family. We don't have a lot of close extended family and having a larger family as we get older was also important to us. My only regret is that I didn't realize how amazing it was to have children when I was a little younger so we'd have more time to have children. Good luck with whatever decision you make.
Photo taken at 16 months old
Reasons not to have kids
1. Lack of a biological urge to do so
2. I love to sleep and do not function well without it.
3. I would like to be a stay at home for at least the first few years if I had a child, which would be very difficult in our situation.
4. I don't want my life to change
5. I worry about how I would deal with a difficult child
6. The planet is already over populated
7. We don't live near family (ie support system, baby sitters)
Reasons to have kids
1. Everyone says they change your life for the better
2. I'm an awesome mom to our cats
3. It would be nice to celebrate holidays with children
4. My parents would be thrilled
5. I worry that I will regret the choice not to have kids one day.
Overall, I am in the no kids camp, but I think about this decision all the time.
I have always loved being around kids. I babysat a lot when I lived at home and growing up. I always knew I wanted kids. I want to teach my kids things, I want to show them the world and what I know. I want my Parents to be Grandparents and my Sister to be an Aunt. I want to give my Grandma her first Great-Grandchild.
I can't imagine my life without kids. May sound corny, but it's true.
I have so many reasons I want to have kids, for starters..........
I love all children (even when they are crying and pooping).
I have always seen myself with children, this may be due to society putting it views and values on me though.
I believe that it is rewarding to be a mother.
I can't wait to teach our children everything I can, play with them, see them grow into wonderful adults, be able to love and care for them.
While I am teaching them they will clearly be teaching me as well, which is a wonderful experience.
I really really love baking cookies, brownies, banana bread (this is a really silly reason to have children but I need someone to eat all the cookies and banana bread I make!)
My husband will make a wonderful father, he is already so great with kids and babies now I can just tell. Plus he is a teacher and can deal with kids when they are in there teens (a difficult age to deal with) so I know he is up to the "challenge".
The list goes on and on
Reasons I don't want to have children....
I don't want to turn into my mother, well the fact is that I am deathly scared of turning into my mother. She stop raising my sister and I by the time I hit 12 and went off to the bars every day/night with her husband, so I was responsible to raise my younger sister from then on. I know I wont turn into her if I don't let it happen but it is very scary feeling for me to have.
Due to the fact that I have the issues above I don't believe I am mentally prepared to have children at this time in my life and want to seek help before I make a commitment to take that responsibility.
I'm really torn on this subject. I have zero biological urge. Pregnancy and birth grosses me out. Kids are expensive. I don't particularly care to be around kids. I'm very easily annoyed by kids. I like things the way they are now. It is so expected and I don't like that, sometimes I like to be contrary to popular belief but I really can't explain why.
On the other hand...
DH would be a GREAT dad. Boston and Renzo would be GREAT big brothers. I grew up with big family events and liked having lots of people around. Everyone says it is totally different when it's your own kid. My family is nearby and would be a great support system. I know DH wants to be a dad someday.
Ideally I hope we get an oopsie in 3-4 years. And ideally the kid will get DH's beautiful red hair.
I feel like I would regret not having kids later in life but I cannot ever seeing myself saying, "Sure let's do this!"
I just want to say, I know exactly how you are feeling here. My parents were divorced when I was a baby, and my mom was a VERY absentee parent. I very much raised myself from an early age on. Being that I had no really parental guidance growing up, I was worried about being able to raise children myself. And, when I did get pregnant, and found out she was a girl, I was even more terrified. My worst fear is ending up like my mother (we actually have a fine relationship now) and having no idea how to raise a little girl. I didn't want to "ruin" her like my mom did me. But, I feel like the badness of my situation has made me a BETTER mother. I know what I don't want to do and who I don't want to become. I know the relationship that I didn't have with her, that I want with my girls. It's actually been a blessing in disguise.
Judging
Wow, thanks for all the thoughtful responses. I know I said I was going to delete this but everyone put so much heart into their answers that I feel kind of crappy deleting it.
I totally agree with so many of the reasons not to have kids. Some of them made me laugh because they probably seem shallow and selfish but they're so true. The reasons everyone gave to have kids definitely give me something to think about. And maybe I already feel some of them but didn't know or couldn't put it into words. Sometimes I think the reasons to have them mean more now, which I never ever expected. At the same time, I feel kind of bad for not really knowing - like I should be all "heck yeah, this is totally want I want, let's do it now."
Melinda, I hope you're right because if we end up with kids, the negatives would be a piece of cake for me!
Tired after a long morning of hiking and swimming.
Really interesting reading all this. Mostly because I am glad I am not alone in questioning my desire for kids - still. I have been feeling the urge more lately, but not overwhelmingly and wonder why.
I think I have always wanted kids 2 at the most, but am not 100% ALL the time. My reasons for not being excited are totally selfish and somewhat silly of course being:
1. I like my freedom
2. I love sleep and sleeping past 6am on weekends
3. I am scared of labor and delivery
4. I wonder if my relationship with H will change and I worry about the focus shifting entriely to children instead of us
5. I have an unhealthy fear or vomiting. I know it sounds funny but I don't know if I can handle cleaning up puke. I almost pass out just thinking about it.
6. that I will pass on any of my bad traits and/or that I wont' be as good of a parent as my own
7. that I won't be able to provide for them financially or be able to give them the same childhood I had
But then I think about what life would be like without them in 10-15 years and am almost positive we would regret it. Things I am excited for with children:
1. the #1 thing I am most excited about is watching H as a father. I know he is going to be an amazing dad!
2. watching them grow and learn and explore the world around them. I can't wait to teach someone else the things I enjoyed as a kid like drawing/creativity, playing sports, music, and exploring the world in general. I want my kids to be curious like I was as a kid.
3. I can't imagine life without my brother and sister, so having more then one is important to me so they can experience that, too.
4. Holidays and vacations and experiencing those things over again as an adult.
5. seeing the joy, pride, and excitement my parents have about their own kids and hoping I can feel the same someday.
6. experiencing the love that parents say they have for their children that they never knew could exist until they became a parent
Boy/girl twins born at 37w1d and 37w2d
This is a great point.
Boy/girl twins born at 37w1d and 37w2d
Great post.
I've been having this debate in my head for a long time, and have thought many of the same things that the rest of you listed, both on the positive and negative sides, so I won't list them again.
There are some great thoughts listed here, some things that shed new light on the topic for me. You ladies are so wise.
I still feel like I'm in the "no kids" camp, at least for now. I'm not there 100%, and the pressure to make a decision soon is rising ... we're 34!
Mr. Sammy Dog
I've got two!
I think I have a lot to offer the world and through having children I can probably continue my values and give the future two amazing little creatures that I was lucky enough to raise. Sure, we've all got issues, but I know I'm a good parent and the world will be a better place because of my sweet children.
I can't imagine growing old and having NOBODY around except random friends (who have their own busy lives and priorities.)
I think it's way too easy to be self-absorbed in this world and miss out on the tremendous joy, honor, gratitude, and humility that children bring. For all the raw "fun" single people can have, at the end of the day, my heart and soul are warmed by two sweet, warm bodies snuggled in their blankets, dreaming about monsters and marshmellows and pink fairies.
Some days I wish I could step ahead to the grandparent phase where it's all the joy and none of the work. ;-) But I had two horrific pregnancies (puking nine months, serious nerve damage, felt like arse every second of every day) and with my second had 2.5 years of horrible things happen to my body and a massive scar from hip to hip............ and I'd do that ALL again, trauma and all, to have these munchkins in my life.
But mostly, I have never had a single moment of awareness that I was not wanting to be a parent. And I have childfree friends and am honestly happy for people who 100% don't want kids. The folks I feel bad for are those who aren't sure. That's a tough spot to be in!
I always knew I wanted kids... not sure why exactly, other than that desire to create a little family and experience all those happy family moments and memories, and to leave a living legacy, and blah blah blah. I do struggle a little bit with the ethics of the decision (given population/environment issues), but I guess I have that biological urge to pass on my genes (flawed though they may be) as well as my values, etc.
But now that I'm in my 30s, and I've watched all my friends have kids, and I've given 7 years of my life to an intensive PhD program... I really want some ME time, and I have a much clearer grasp of the lifestyle that I will be giving up in order to have kids. Traveling and sponteneity become much more difficult, and I'll really REALLLY miss that. For the first time in my life, I can honestly imagine NOT having kids and being ok with that.
That said, I do still want kids (and my husband definitely does), but I'm going into it a lot more hesitantly these days.
I completely agree with this statement! We're in our 30's and just decided about two years ago we wanted to try and have a baby. For the longest time I was adamant that I did NOT want kids (for reasons listed above), but I am so glad we changed our minds. It definitely is different when it's your own kid--I have way more patience and tolerance for stuff than I thought I would. Our baby is the best thing that has ever happened to me
I've always wanted children. I can't imagine not having a child. It hard to list out specific reasons when it is always something I've wanted. I think the most fun is watching her learn and her personality form. I love knowing that I have a child to care for, I don't find it to be a burdan. I know their are sacrifices that come with having a child, but I was more than willing to sacrifice.
The only thing I worry about is finances. You can make babies as expensive as you want, but even if you buy everything used and and skip the nonessentials they are still really expensive. Especially insurance, it is freaking ridiculous what I pay a month. I really want another baby within the next 2 years, but I don't know if that will be possible for us.
my read shelf:
Breezy, I could have written this whole post.
Not quite sure where I'm at - I'd like to have tenure before kids, and there are still things I want to do for myself. But I still think we will have kids - just not sure when yet!
I agree with all of these points, especially the part about not being able to deal with vomit and liking sleep on the week-ends.
We obviously wanted kids. I always wanted to be a Mom. DH was more if it happens, it happens but now he couldn't imagine not having Mollie in our life.
I think the pp made some great points on both sides. I'm going to give my thoughts on some of the negatives.
Sleep - I L.O.V.E sleep!! I use to get an average of 10 hrs a night. Starting mid-pregnancy, sleep starting getting more uncomfortable due to my growing belly. Now I can easily function getting up every few hours. The longest period of straight sleep in the last 5 weeks has been 4 hours. Some how your body adjusts!
DH/Relationship - We are closer than we have ever been! We make sure we spend at least 15 minutes a day talking about something other than Mollie. It is not easy as she is the one in charge right now but it's very important that we maintain our relationship.
Activites - Right now neither of us have backed off on activites but may need to once I go back to work after the 1st of the year. (Mostly DH since he is gone 2-3 times a week.) The biggest thing is planning in advance. Before we both could be ready/out the door in less than 45 minutes. Now it takes up to 2 hours some days but that includes a feeding.
Vacations - We are going on a short trip in February and plan on taking Mollie with us. For the first few years, we probably won't fly anyplace but once she is older we will continue traveling. Yes it won't be easy but it is not impossible.
Labor/Delivery - I thought was extremely easy compared to the actual pregnancy. I was in labor for 25 hrs and pushed for an hour. I didn't need to be super woman and got an EPI 1/2 way through. No pain then!!! As for the pregnancy, I had horrible hip/back pain starting around 5 months. I got to know my chiropractor very well!!
Hope that helps!