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Yet another MIL annoyance
If you want to read the back story on my wonderful MIL here it is:
So I get an email from MIL that says instead of us getting them christmas presents this year they just want us to give them the money to renovate their kitchen.
I'm like REALLY?!!!
I have not discussed this with H, yet he is working late tonight.
I just feel really infuriated by this.... I now don't want to give her ANYTHING... except a loan application from a bank.
Is she out of line? Am I being crazy?
Re: Yet another MIL annoyance
YOU are not crazy...your MIL is crazy ! ! !
I don't think she deserves anything from you for Christmas other than a big piece of coal !
Just like pp said you are NOT being crazy and she is being out of line who asks for something like that.
But I agree you should just get them a gift card and call it a day. (Wrap it up in a box with a piece of coal
My advice has already been given - what would your budget be? Give them that in a GC in a form that they could use in a renovation.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
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There is no freaking way I would a) pay for her rennovation b) engage in a conversation/email with her about it.
If you normally give her a Christmas gift, then spend your budget on a gift card like the pps have suggested.
Actually your MIL could be a perfect candidate for one of those, "For your gift this year I have donated a goat to this poor villager" type things. If you felt generous you could donate a goat and a donkey.
Forget the gift cards. Get her a cookie jar to put in her new kitchen.
You already said NO to giving her $$ for her kitchen. Don't fall for it.
She is totally out of line-
Example of mine from four years ago: SIL emails everyone in the family her"list"...it was 50 items long and included the complete description of items including bra size, underwear color, and hair care products. Thank GOD we now do a gift exchange where we choose randomly one person and have a 50 dollar limit.
Why ADULTS think they can get away with this sh*t is beyond me.
My question is why have you not taken the advice from the last post?
I think if you do this you will have no more MIL problems!
But on a serious note, under no circumstances should you give her $ for her kitchen and you should let her know that the discussion is closed and never to bring it up again.
Honestly, I would say something to the effect of :
MIL - we will not give you any money. EVER. And if you ask again we will never talk to you. EVER.
Is making christmas lists not something your inlaw family does? In my family, everyone makes a christmas list of things they would like that is detailed (size, color, brand etc). It doesn't mean you'll get everything on there, but it sure does help make things easier to shop for one another. My mom still expects lists from us (and now our husbands). My inlaws actually love it and now ask for a list as well.
If you're ASKED for a list, I think it's okay to send one.
Sending around an enormously long, extremely detailed list unsolicited...that just smacks of entitlement.
OP, based on your previous interaction with your MIL on this topic, I think you're justified in ignoring this latest demand on your wallet. I'd be afraid that going the gift card route would be seen as a partial cave-in to her demands, and I'd probably just get her whatever I was going to get her anyhow. If you give her $50, who's to say she won't start hounding you for another $5,000 for the whole renovation?
This is pretty much what I was thinking. I'm going to talk about it with H tonight ( I didn't last night because he got home super late... pretty much ate and then went to bed.) I just can't believe she is doing this.
Overall, right now I am just going to get them normal christmas presents.... and maybe a satan present
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
If she is so insistent on her gift being in the form of financial help for her kitchen redo, then wrap up the gift card loaded with however much you were going to spend on her for Christmas. (I'd get one that was not tied to a specific store)
Yes, you run the risk of her seeing it as a partial cave, but it IS a gift she specifically requested. If she wants I suppose all future gifts can be done the same way til she has enough to do her kitchen.
I'd ask H to talk to her and clarify she is dead sure she wants cash instead of a wrapped present.He can then clarify the amount will be what he'd planned on spending for a regular gift- nothing over that amount.
If she tries to say the card needs to be for the total redo he can set her straight. His mom-his job to deal with. Same as it would be if it was your mom,, it would be your job to deal with.
I think it's time for your DH to have a talk with her.
No, you will not be renovating her kitchen. Not now, not in the near future. He should refuse to discuss your mom's medical prodedure and whether or not your paid for it - - that's not relevent to the discussion.
If she brings it up again, your DH will end gift exchanges with her for good "since obviously nothing we get you could measure up to your expectations." or "so instead of wasting money on gifts for us, you can save for the kitchen you want so much."
Another question - - is your MIL from another culture - - one that has an expectation of adult children buying large gifts for their parents? If so, that needs to be addressed as well...
I agree with this. You both need to stop this " redo my kitchen" stuff now. It has gone too far.
No, my MIL isn't from another culture that expects large gifts from her children. But she knows that we can afford it.... does that make any sense? Like she sees what we have and then wants some.... and we have been battling her "sense" of entitlement for about 2 years now. You can read about that in the Back story link in my first post on this thread.
My gut instinct is that if we "gift her" what we were going to spend on her for christmas.... (which she wants soon).... then she will still want christmas gifts as well. That is my gut talking.
Another thing is we are not spending as much on christmas this year as we did last year..... we are saving for a house/condo and a vacation in the spring.... so I imagine there will be some "cheap" comments that H and I will be hearing soon as well.
I just feel bad for H when he comes home from work tonight, since I have to have "your mother strikes again" conversation. She stresses him out as well.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
I really hate how Christmas has become so materialistic. It isn't about the gift giving, it's about the time spent with family & loved ones.
By that comment alone, not knowing anything else about MIL, I would simply respond back, "DH & I have decided to not exchange gifts this year for personal reasons - surely you can understand."
Please tell me she did not insist on her Christmas present early? That's way rude.
No matter what/when you give her she's probably going to expect to wear you down and give in just to get her off your backs. Giving in will open the door to alot more of this "you can afford it so you have to give it to us" attitude.
'Mom, if you are sure you want cash in lieu of an actual gift then ok. I will get you a gift card with the amount we had budgeted for your gift.'
Unfortunately, H is the one to tell his mom once again that he is not funding a total remake of her kitchen. I can see helping out if the place was a health risk and needed renovation for safety issue, but not just for 'pretties'.
One thought- if there are other siblings... would all of them want to pitch in and fund this makeover in lieu of Christmas and birthday presents?
I would give her a regular gift with the receipt tucked in (the full one, not the gift receipt) and fully expect and encourage her to return it for the cash. But is her chose and hassle to return it if she wants money so badly.
Bah Humbug
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
To Habitat for Humanity--that way you all know someone is getting a new kitchen!