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Help me word this e mail to MIL... long
So... MIL and I have always been close.. after 10 years of being married to her son, I think we know each other pretty well. The past few years though, she has gotten more and more sarcastic.. I'm pretty sure this has to do with her drinking more and more (she is without a doubt a functional alcoholic.. she has to drink every night at 6... every.single.night she drinks a few Manhattans.. basically straight whiskey).
It's been a very stressful time for us with all of the drama surrounding our current pregnancy. BIL and SIL are also expecting, due about 3 weeks before us. We found out the day before Thanksgiving that we lost one of our twins so my patience was wearing a little thin.
We have always let my MIL have as much of a relationship with our DS as she wants.. she tries to come and visit him every 6 weeks, I try to keep them in touch with phone calls and I fill her in on what is going on with him, he is the only grandchild right now so they have a pretty close relationship. She adores my son and I have never wanted to get in the way with that.
DS is 5. Both the day before Thanksgiving and on Thanksgiving day my FIL was playing too rough with him. FIL is in his 70's and can't hear that well.. not only that, he doesn't relate well with kids.. Both times he had kind of trapped DS and wouldn't let him go and DS bawled. The day before Thanksgiving I just comforted him and tried to explain to MIL and FIL that he wasn't used to playing like that. When it happened Thanksgiving day, I saw it coming and asked DH to intervene. He didn't and sure enough, DS started bawling. I was comforting him and MIL started saying things to him, and I snapped and told her to stop. It was making DS more upset. I was frustrated with FIL and DH for the situation.
MIL was upset and I heard her in the kitchen talking to SIL saying, what do I know? I'm just a nosy and interfering grandmother.
I didn't say anything, but it really hurt my feelings. I've tried so very hard to be welcoming of her input and presence in DS's life. I've never told her to butt out, I've tried to keep her constantly informed of what is going on with him (funny stories, sharing projects he makes at school, etc).
I want to send her an e mail telling her how upsetting that comment was, but I'm not sure what to say or how to say it.Any ideas?
Re: Help me word this e mail to MIL... long
Well..... while I get your issue w/ how FIL plays w/ DS, etc.
But can you really not see that SHE is hurt too? You snapped at them. Because your DH wont' stand up (I.e. DH problem), you got upset and snapped.
As this isn't normal for you, it was unexpected and she's upset - that's where her comment came from.
And honestly, I'm not sure how her comment is "hurtful". SHE feels like she's a nosy grandmother because of what you said/ did.
If you want to address this situation, you need to do so from a point of wanting to discuss what happened and wanting to move past it, AND you have to realize that she's upset too. This isn't just about your feelings. If you approach it from that point of view, I see the situation only getting worse.
ETA: any discussion also needs to be done face to face, not through e-mail.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
First, DO NOT send her a e-mail about this. If you are able, talk to her face to face with your H in a united front. If you send a e-mail, things will be taken out of context because of the lack of non-verbal communication. She is already defensive about this, and doing it by e-mail will further fuel it.
Maybe..I don't know.
It's more that she was saying it as an aside to my SIL in the other room and not to me. Yes, I snapped at her because I was frustrated at DH and trying to comfort DS and just stressed in general. That wasn't right. But I really don't like the way she involved SIL. If she had just told me she was upset, I'm a big girl.. I can handle it and I know I'm not perfect. But to say it kind of under her breath but not in the other room just doesn't sit well with me. I'm not even sure she remembers it since she had been drinking so much.
It would definitely not be a "you were wrong, I was right" e mail... more of a "it hurt me when i heard you say this and i don't want you to feel like you are either nosy or interfering" e mail.
1) No letter. Absolutely not. Really, really bad idea.
2) I agree with PPs- you snapped at her. Did you expect her to be sugary sweet? If you snapped at me, I might possibly say something I regret to.
3) You have a husband problem. He should have intervened, and he should be the one talking to his parents, if there's anything to be said.
4) Why bring up the drinking? Are you wanting to address that with her?
I wouldn't send her an email. Don't make it into a big deal. Let her fume some if she wants, your priority is your S and you said what you had to to protect him, it definitely sounds like you handled it properly.
If it's really upsetting you, next time you call / email her to update her on your S, let her know that your concerns with your son were being ignored so you had to say something for his best interest. Let her know that it was not meant to hurt or upset her, you love the relationship you have with her and her relationship with your son and you don't want any of that to change. Outside of that I would let it go. She's bound to judge your parenting style just like you're going to judge her actions as a grandmother.
This expectation that she (or anyone) can't ever say something out of frustration is a bit unrealistic, to be honest. She wasn't talking "about" you. You said something that HURT HER and she was upset and said something to her daughter, to someone "safe".
Ultimately, your biggest problem is your DH.
If you want to write to your MIL and simply say "I overheard what you said to SIL. I am so sorry that you feel you're being nosy. I was just upset in the moment at how DS was being handled and I snapped. It was not intended to make you feel that you are interfering. ".
Honestly- you need to put your "hurt" aside on this one. She said what she said because you hurt her. Doing a tit for tat "you hurt me too" is going to get you nowhere.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm trying to see how I hurt her and I guess I just don't see it. The extent of what I said to her was "Stop" in a curt tone. I don't talk about someone within earshot of them. If I needed to vent, I'd choose more carefully. When we talked the day before Thanksgiving I thougth I had been clear about DS being scared and FIL playing too rough.
Maybe I am just being too sensitive about this and do just need to let it go. I agree that the issue was with DH and we have talked about it.
I'll just chalk it up to my being stressed out. And set clearer expectations at Christmas.
Well, it's not your place to decide if you hurt her or not. The point is SHE is hurt.
And from what you said, she wasn't really talking "about" you. She was talking about her reaction to what you said and how that made her feel.
Again - the bigger issue here is that your DH won't back you up. If anything, you need to use this scenario as the reason why he needs to start backing you up. If he doesn't, it's going to lead to misunderstood feelings, hurt feelings, and basically it could lead to a total break-down of relationships.
THAT is what you need to do w/ this whole scenario.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Mmm.. .I'm still not sure I agree with you ECB. Talking to someone else about her reaction is still not okay in my book. That's not the relationship I thought we had built and it definitely is not something I would do to her. I still feel betrayed by her actions and words.
But, like I said, I've talked to DH and I'll just chalk this up to my stress level and let it go with MIL.
You do not control how she feels. Just because you don't understand her feelings does not make it wrong. Just because she chooses another method to vent than you does not make it wrong either. And I'm with PPs, why bring up the judgments on her drinking? It has zero to do with this post.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
So.... you can talk to your DH about how your MIL hurt you, but she can't talk to her daughter about how you hurt her?
It's her daughter in law as well, not that it makes a difference. But yes, it is different for me to say to my DH, in the privacy of our home, that something hurt me while I am addressing the situation with him. He is directly involved (or was uninvolved). It's not the same for someone to be sarcastic in the way they are responding to something I said to someone outside of the situation in the next room so I can overhear.
Not the same thing. But again, that is just my opinion.
I will agree that saying it where you could hear her was poor on her part.
BUT beyond that, "who" she said it to doesn't matter. You confide in your DH. She was confiding in her other DIL.
you heard her say it, but even if you hadn't, she probably still would have said it.
That's why emailing her about this just isn't going to get you anywhere. She's allowed to vent to whoever she wants. Just as you chose to vent to your DH.
I think the fact that you refuse to see how being curt w/ her could hurt her is affecting my take on this too. You're not allowing any room in this scenario for YOU to be wrong. It's all about them and what they do to you/ around you and how they hurt you.
You need to accept some degree of responsibility.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm late to the party, but I am really, really glad you're not sending the email.
I see why your MIL was hurt by your snapping, "STOP!" at her in the same way I see you were hurt to walk into the kitchen and hear her talking about you.
Seriously, all of this is just really a part of being in a family. You're going to snap at each other and vent about each other every once in a while; if her venting about you ruins the image of the relationship you have for TEN YEARS then I assure you that it was only an image of a good relationship. A good, loving, open relationship could withstand this minor spat.
You're overreacting, and I think deflecting so that you can avoid being mad at your H, who really is the one carrying most of the blame in this mess.
That's an interesting point... but the truth is, it does change the image of I had of our relationship. The past few years I've seen her changing. And it worries me. And yes, I've discussed it with DH as well as this situation and how what he didn't do made me feel.
But still. The simple truth is I would never do that to her. I'm not perfect and yes, I shouldn't have snapped at her, even during a stressful scene. But I would never be sarcastic towards her, or do what she did. That's just not me and isn't the relationship I thought we had. It was a very passive aggressive move and I just don't respond well to that. I would rather have her tell me that what I did hurt her feelings straight out than how she responded.
I've already said I'll just attribute it to my stress level right now and leave it alone.
Maybe she is sitting there thinking "I can't believe she snapped at me. That isn't the relationship I thought we had. I would never snap at her.".
You don't seem to think you did anything wrong and that you don't perhaps owe her an apology. It's ALL about how she hurt you, how "you would never do that to her", but yet, you rudely snapped at her.... And what you did actually led to her actions.
So, why do you get absolved of any wrong doing?
I don't get your logic. I honestly don't.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with you. So you said "Stop!" to your MIL in a stressed/harsh voice. It sounds to me like she deserved it. It does not sound like a big deal, and then she went into the kitchen and passive-aggressively commented about it so you could hear.
I understand why you are bummed--you snapped in a moment of stress and then you hear her acting like that.
Honestly, I don't get why the posters here are coming down so hard on you. All around, this does not sound like a big deal. If you want, I would just drop her an email and say that you have been feeling badly that you said "stop" in a harsh tone and you wanted her to know that you did not want to hurt her. I would not mention anything else, just that.
ECB - she's just not going to take any accountability for her actions in this situation. It's like beating your head against a wall. OP - I don't know why it's so hard to accept that you could have hurt her. We're all humans, we all hurt people, not on purpose, but it happens because we're not perfect.
It doesn't sound to me like you care for this woman at all if you have no regard for her feelings despite how you described your relationship with her in your OP.
She was in the privacy of her own home. If your SIL was a witness to this exchange, then she's involved.
JMHO, you owe your MIL an apology. Even if she is a drunk which isn't exactly relevent to this situation.
She was in the privacy of my SIL's home. And SIL was not a witness to me saying "Stop" to her.
I've already said I shouldn't have snapped at her. How is that not taking accountability or seeing where I was wrong?
Thanks for the opinions and advice. I'll handle it my own way.
She was probably pissed off that you essentially scolded her (I'm assuming in front of other people, right?) about how to care for a child, when she's raised at least two children of her own up to adulthood. Hence the, "But what do I know?" comment to the DIL. I don't really blame her. I'd be embarrassed and insulted by that as well ... a young mother scolding an experienced mother. Especially when it just seems like she was talking to your son and maybe trying to comfort him ... it's not like SHE was teasing him, was she?
I don't blame you for getting involved if FIL was teasing your son, and I can also understand snapping at MIL out of frustration if the teasing continued (at both her and your FIL, as well as your husband for not putting a stop to things in the first place like he SHOULD have done).
However, you're really overreacting with all of the "Now I'm questioning our relationship" and "How dare she vent about me to someone else" stuff. You lost your cool and expressed your frustration with her by telling her to stop; SHE lost her cool and expressed her frustration to the DIL that you corrected her in front of other people; now you need to let it go and accept that you both said things you probably shouldn't have. MIL is not 100% to blame her. You could've just picked up your son and walked away. Or your DH could've handled it like you asked him to in the first place.
Plus, isn't it hypocritical for you to complain that MIL said something to DIL about you ... and yet you're out-and-out trashing her on a public message board? You don't have a right to complain that she's out of line by saying one thing to DIL about you in her own home, when you're here telling a bunch of Internet strangers about her drinking habits. I mean, she could very easily stumble onto this post, if you think about it, so you can't use "But she did it within earshot of me so it's different!" as an excuse.
You're not taking responsiblity for how you contributed to the situation. As long as you say "I don't see why that would hurt her", you're saying that YOU are in the right to be hurt, but she isn't. It's completely discounting her feelings in this situation.
Look - I know that you were simply reacting in the moment. Your "mama bear" was coming out. And I actually do not fault you for snapping!! I can't say I wouldn't do the same thing if something was happening to my son that I was trying to stop.
The problem is that you can't acknowledge that this hurt her and that what you overheard her saying was in response to what you said to her.
I'm not absolving her of her contribution to the issue, but if you refuse to see how she was hurt, this kind of thing may happen again, and if no one is ever willing to step up and just take the hit (i.e. be the bigger person) and say "I'm sorry", then I think your relationship w/ her will only get worse in time too.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I will add, though, that if she was drunk at the time, then I don't know that I would put any weight on how she acted.