Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: When do you become rude?
First, you MUST let DH handle this, or the situation will just get worse - much worse, fast. His family clearly see him as their financial go-to, so it really isn't about you, the house, or your decorating choices. It's about their belief that they can count on DH's financial support, and their awareness that changes are in the wind.
Second, DH must first decide what financial responsibility he does and does not feel for his family now that he's married, not just for this situation, but in general. Yes, the ILs are out of line here, but DH can't draw a line in the sand until he knows (and can stand up for) his belief in this area of financial responsibility. Whether his line involves a little or a lot, whether he's available to finance daily splurges or only life saving surgeries, he needs to make it crystal clear (first to you, so you can back him up), and then to them. BUT YOU NEED TO STAY OUT OF IT.
Once DH has explained his position, he has to stay consistent. No matter where the line is drawn, there will be guilt trips and fallout dropped on both of you. Be ready. Two old sayings come to mind, "Ain't nothin' free," and "Take what you want and pay for it, says God." It's part of being a grown up.
One last suggestion that worked for me: I set an amount that I accept as my "charitable revolving account." I make it clear to everybody who hits me for money that once that amount is depleted, I cannot and will not loan more until whoever borrowed it returns it. If $10 comes back in, that $10 is immediately available for someone else to borrow. If $1,000 comes back in, then $1,000 is immediately available for the next person in need.
Good luck!
I would honestly buy her some type of debt book. Or you could send her to one of those Dave Ramsey's Debt university classes. If she can spend $20-$30 a month to get her nails done but cant afford to buy presents for her children then she needs help.
If the MIL kept annoying me I would be so rude as to comment on the fact that if she taught her daughter how to take care of her finances better she might not be in that situation. Not every one knows how to take care of their finances so maybe she just needs some lessons.
This....
This is horrible! I agree to tell the contractor to stop discussing finances or any details with anyone else. Don't try and reason with ILs. That's DHs job. They will forgive DH they will not forgive you and they will hold it against you.
Good luck!
I like Jenny's comment about telling the contractors not to give them any more information. Before I allow anyone to do any kind of work on my home, I make them sign a confidentiality agreement because....ITS NOBODY'S FREAKING BUSINESS!!!! (not yelling, just typing very very assertively!).
As for the relatives who are not as financially well off, that's not your problem either. In my family I have relatives who have less than I do, and plenty who have more than I do. I am not hitting family up for money, nor am I having my face rubbed in my good fortune, because people know better.
Next time the in-laws talk about the SIL, tell them that if they put as much energy into actually helping her, as they do in complaining to you, she'd be a very wealthy woman by now, and they'd be too occupied to bug you.
I would do this. DH and I actually attended it with my parents and it made our relationship with them so much stronger. Good luck!