Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I want to have baby. He wants to wait.
I need a little help with this one. I would love to have a baby and before we got married he said he did too. The problem is, the timing. We neglected to discuss this major detail. My new husband and I are both in our mid thirties and I hear my biological clock ticking loudly. How do we compromise on this? Should I give him a ?cut off? date? Am I too anxious? What do you think?
Re: I want to have baby. He wants to wait.
How long have you been married and how long does he want to wait?
Did he give a reason why he wants to wait?
We just got married October 9th. But we have been together for 7 years and living together for 4. He says he wants to wait until we can afford more.
I get that your clock is ticking, but having the money to be able to support children is a legitimate concern. Can you at this time realistically afford kids? Have you made monthly budgets and looked at the hard numbers? Is there a plan in the works to bring in more money?
Waiting until you can afford it seems like a perfectly valid reason to wait. Or can you afford it and he just wants to have more saved and you feel you could afford it now? Talk to him about how much you think is reasonable to have prior to TTC, decide on an amount and action plan together and then you can discuss TTC timelines. Your impatience to have a child does not outweigh his very reasonable desire to be sure you're stable financially.
Although, this is pretty easy answer so I suspect there's more going on here. Do you think he never wants kids now or something?
Yes, there is truth to the concept that if we waited until we could really afford kids, no one would ever have kids.
However, that doesn't mean if you're barely scraping by that you should rely on the above and go out and have a kid.
You need to be smart and responsible about bringing a child into this world.
So.... what does he mean and where exactly are you financially? And what is his time frame? Is he talking 6 months or 6 years?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Have you made a budget? Started a savings for kids? or figured out what things would cost and if you would be able to afford the basics? Has he given a time that he could see you guys affording to have kids? To just give the general statements of " I want kids now, or I want to wait until we can afford them" they're just not getting much done. If it's about money start budgeting.
To All? Let?s just say we?re not dead broke. We have a joint savings account as well other financial plans for our future as senior citizens. He has his own business and it is thriving. I am a professional and have been for the past 8 years. For these reasons, I am a wondering why the change of heart. My one guess is that we?ve been enjoying such a great life together as we are; I think he may be afraid of the changes a baby brings.
Like PP, I think you need to sit down and have a more in-depth conversation about this. My DH and I have had several conversations about this topic. We have sat down and talked finances, what we both would like to accomplish before having kids, how that will work (will I work, will I stay home? etc.), etc. I would love to start having kids soon, but in sitting down and taking a long look at our lives, we both know that we're just not in a spot to have kids right now.
I mean, that's entirely possible. Have you outright asked him whether that's the case?
But really, saying that the issue is money is not enough. Like other people have mentioned... has he actually given you a timeline? Or a financial goal he wants to work towards to have kids? If he just says "we can't afford it" and leaves it at that, that's not working to solve anything.
I also don't know how to take your answer. "Not dead broke" does not mean "we can afford kids."
Thriving? What does he do?
Also, I'd give him time, since you did just get married. How old are you?
As I mentioned, we're both in our mid-thirties. Yes thriving... It means successful and moving forward.
Wow. I wasn't expecting so many of you to be so cenacle. It's not as if we're talking about this for the 1st time. I just feel as if I was led to believe we both wanted children and I'm sure you all know, as women we only have so long.
I just don?t want this become a source of pain and resentment should I reach an age where having a child is no longer an option. I watched my aunt go through it. Putting her career 1st and family 2nd. The fertility process is arduous and emotionally draining to a couple.
I apologize if I came off as cinicle. That was not my intent. It's just that your first post didn't say that you had talked about it before. I do feel your pain on this one, because like I said, I would love to have children soon too. My DH said he wanted kids before we got married also, but since we got married (we've been married a little over a year), he has said he doesn't want kids right away. But, for us it's partially because there have been a lot of changes since we got married.
Besides the wedding, have their been any other changes between the conversations? I mean, the economy is crazy right now. I know my H is a teacher, and recently found out that his district is out of money. There will be no raises next year, and all teachers supply budgets have been cut to $0 for next year. I know you said he owns his own business, and that it's thriving, but could he be stressing about that?
I'm honestly trying to be helpful, so please don't take it snarky. I'm speaking from my personal experiences, and trying to help you get to the bottom of it.
Its cynical for what its worth.
As far you being upset your H doesn't want to have a child--have you discussed it further, besides that he wants to have more money? IMO, its silly to get angry if you really don't understand the reason he wants to wait. Maybe he used that as an excuse because he didn't know you mean 1 1/2 months after you got married, you'd have to be knocked up. Maybe his time frame is more like a year. You need to be able to have a conversation about it~otherwise I would advise against bringing a child into the situation anyway. And you should never have a child if one person in the relationship was "pushed" into it-that is a recipe for disaster.
Like ECB said, if we waited until we truly could afford to have children we wouldn't ever have any.
IMO, the money thing is kind of a copout. Obviously if one person is unemployed and the other working a minimum wage job with no insurance, no savings and miles of credit card debt, living with your parents and no budget, then by all means, wait to have kids. But, if you're not struggling, have the means to support a child (such as a stable place to live with a substantial amount of room for children to roam, a decent job, good insurance, a savings account, a not-over-the-top amount of credit card debt, a good budget and/or financial plan, affordability for child care and/or to take time off when child is sick, etc.) then "being able to afford the child" shouldn't really be an issue. This is all MHO by the way; others may see things differently.
Definitely discuss this further with him. Perhaps timing is his main reason and he doesn't want to hurt your feelings in telling you that he just doesn't want to start a family less than 2 months after you're married. Communication!
Realistic =/= cynical.
FWIW, I went through fertility issues at the ripe old age of 27, with no preexisting conditions, risk factors, or other indications. One of my friends is 36, has PCOS and a thyroid problem, and got pregnant the first month she and her DH tried. You really don't know, unless you have a diagnosed medical problem, whether or not you're going to have an easy time getting pregnant until you're actually trying.
How are your health benefits? His? Your insurance? His? What are your childcare options? What kind of debt do you currently have? What financial goal is he trying to reach prior to having a child?
How is your communication with each other? From what you've posted, it seems pretty nebulous. You want a baby...sometime...sooner rather than later...he wants to have more money first...but isn't specific about why and how much. You've also been married less than two months -- is there something wrong with settling into your marriage a bit before you start trying for children?
Sounds like you have it all figured out. Good luck.
I agree with many PP's... you should sit down with your husband and talk about what he means by affording a baby. Make specific financial goals together. By specific, I mean instead of saying "have more money in savings" the goal should be "save $10,000" (or however much) so you know what you're working towards.
He not only is a very wise man, you also would be wise to wait until your marriage has "legs." Give it a couple of years.
Get your kid fix in the meanwhile; tons of youth groups and kid-friendly organizations always need a volunteer. Try after school programs, Girl Scouts, mentoring, tuoring, Boys and Girls Clubs, etc.
You just got married October 9.
And instead of working through the first year of marriage to build a solid foundation as a married couple (which, you'll discover as you get further than two months into your first year of marriage, is VERY different from living together or dating), you're pushing to have a baby.
So your DH thinks that all you wanted to get married for was to have a sperm donator as soon as possible. Surely he's more than that to you.
You definitely need to wait.